Is there still hope left or should I just give up?

[mzjazz2u]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

The transplant is off because she would never survive the operation. Her lungs are shot, her liver is shot and her kidneys are failing.

They will keep seeing if the steroids will help, but at some point, when it can't reverse the damage, the time has come to let her go. They said it would take a miracle for her to recover.

I now I have to start looking for all the papers. I need to have them ready if and when the time comes.

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry it has come to this. How difficult this all must be for you. On the other hand, miracles do happen so I'll keep praying for one for her.

Originally Posted by Duchess15

We just informed the doctor about the DNR. We do not want her to suffer in any way. I don't know what I'll do without her.

I'm sure that was a hard decision, that was not made lightly. I hope my children have that courage if I am ever in a bad position.

Originally Posted by Duchess15

We told the doctors to keep doing what they have, but if her heart stops, they will not revive her. I think if it gives out, she has fought a good fight, and I want her to be able to rest in peace. It would be selfish and unfair to her to make her struggle even more.

She can't talk at this time. However, sometimes she shakes her head if she is alert. I'm hoping that a couple of friends tonight will be able to get her to respond a bit.

I want to tell her it is ok if she is getting tired of fighting. I want her to know that we will miss her so much, but we will be ok and will never ever forget her.

She is still on the respirator so that is why she can't talk, right? How are her independent breathing trials going?

You will know when it's time to let go and tell her it's ok to pass over. I don't envy you this situation one bit. Maybe you could tell her that if she wants to fight this, you'll be right there fighting with her. But if she is tired of fighting, you understand and it is ok.

I'm thinking about you. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

I've told her more than once that it is ok if she no longer has the energy to fight. I don't know if she heard me or not.

She'll have heard you ok

Keep speaking to her, and tell her everything you want her to know.

Like Tammie has said she's tired of fighting now, and goodness knows she's done her best in trying to fight it.

Lots of calm and serene coming over for all of you

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

My mom is still the same at this point. I wish I could trade my life for hers. The nurses she has had are really great.

an unselfish thought, but a trade your mother would NOT want, trust me! my brother died almost 21 years ago, & one of the things my mother talks about in her testimony is how it's just not right for children to pre-decease their parents. your mom would never want to make that trade, even if it were possible.
glad to hear your dad's feeling more himself. good idea to have things decided in case she's healed by going home instead of staying here with us.

 

[carolpetunia]

Originally Posted by mzjazz2u

...Maybe you could tell her that if she wants to fight this, you'll be right there fighting with her. But if she is tired of fighting, you understand and it is ok...

Yes... exactly. "Do not go gentle into that good night"... miracles do happen.

 

[duchess15]

She is about the same as yesterday. However, her urine output is doing very well, better than expected considering her kidneys are starting to not function normally.

My dad took care of all the funeral arrangements and I just need to start putting pictures together of her in a folder. We are preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best! A miracle!

I went home for a few hours to make something to eat and maybe take a nap. I'm feeling really tired even though I've slept on and off throughout the night and day. My back is also starting to bother me.

My dad did go to church. Should be interesting since he is not religious at all!

I pray that she can get better somehow. I don't want her to fee as if she is abandoning us either if she can't.

There are so many people that have come to see her. They all love her. I don't know many people who don't. My mom is truly loved.

I told the nurse to call me if anything happens. I sure hope not.

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

My back is also starting to bother me.

probably from sitting in those uncomfortable hospital chairs...
still for that miracle here, too!

 

[pat]

Good old stress...gets some in the neck, some in the back...

Keeping your mom in my prayers and sending for you and your Dad.

 

[carolpetunia]

Dearly hoping she comes through... reaching into her room with this golden healing light that I know is silly but believe in anyway.

 

[glitch]

Im sending my hope and love your way! Right along with some strong
Hold on hon! You can do this!! Keep your chin up... even in the moments when its the hardest! You're doing a wonderful job... Im so sorry you and your family are going through this!!

 

[duchess15]

When I arrived last night she was gagging on her tube and throwing up. I called my dad and asked what he wanted. We both agreed we didn't want her to suffer so I decided to make her comfortable. She looked so miserable at that point.

We can now just make her comfortable and her organs will fail due to all the medications or we can try to pull the tube out and see how she does on her own.

They have not been able to wake her up since she has been on it. If we pull the tube and she can't make it, I will not let them reintubate her. I will just tell them to put her on a morphine drip and let her go.

This just isn't how it is suppose to be. Nothing will ever be the same and I'm so angry.

We will have to talk to the doctors again to see what they think.

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

When I arrived last night she was gagging on her tube and throwing up. I called my dad and asked what he wanted. We both agreed we didn't want her to suffer so I decided to make her comfortable. She looked so miserable at that point.

We can now just make her comfortable and her organs will fail due to all the medications or we can try to pull the tube out and see how she does on her own.

They have not been able to wake her up since she has been on it. If we pull the tube and she can't make it, I will not let them reintubate her. I will just tell them to put her on a morphine drip and let her go.

This just isn't how it is suppose to be. Nothing will ever be the same and I'm so angry.

We will have to talk to the doctors again to see what they think.

i think both of those decisions are wise ones - not letting her suffer & talking to the doctors. still tho -

 

[jcat]

Originally Posted by laureen227

i think both of those decisions are wise ones - not letting her suffer & talking to the doctors.

You're going through such a difficult time, and my heart goes out to you. I really think it best not to let her suffer.

 

[duchess15]

I've been at the hospital for a bit. It's just so surprising how many people care about her and us and how many people she has touched in her life.

If it comes down to the funeral home, they have a website where all the pictures will be and if anyone would like to see, just PM me. However, that is still yet to come.

I've told her family in germany and they are all very shocked and upset. I told my aunt no matter what happens, that I will most likely stay here for now, but I still want to come over and visit at times. They will be the only link I have with her and her heritage, besides my own, and I don't want to lose that.

Even if I go over by myself, it won't be the same, because we planned on going, but that is one of the few things that does still make me happy.

At least if she does go, she will be in a veteran cemetary which is huge, gated, and very well taken care of. It will only be about 10-15 mins away and I will go every sunday.

I am trying to write down as much as I can about my mom now, her life, her memories, the things she liked because I just don't want to forget and it will just be harder if she does go.

I guess I'm more prepared than my dad because I spent more time with her just taking care of her. I knew what she wanted and I knew she did not want to be in the hospital. I also knew that she has been in pain enough and that I will do all that I can to make sure she isn't.

Life is never what it seems and it has taught me that I should do things while I still can. So whatever may come, if she passes, I will still go to Germany this year. The money doesn't matter, the gas prices, all of that. It may only get worse and I made a promise. I promised her that I would never give up my german citizenship and that I will keep in touch with her family.

We do not know when the doctors will be by so we want to see what they think and have enough time to get everyone that should be up here, time to be here if we do decide to let her go.

If I have learned anything, it's that when decisions need to be made, I can make them to be in her best interest and without emotion. My dad usually asks me what I want or what he wants, but in the end, it will be I who tells them to let her go. I've learned that I am more like my mom than I ever knew. That I can be strong if I have to be and I know that is what she would want. I know that it will break my heart and that it may be months before I go anywhere I used to with her. I will miss her more than ever.

I am glad that for special occassions I went and spent money on the things I knew she would like. I kept thinking that if something happened, I would regret it.

I cry so much more than my mom. I've never seen her cry in my life. She was the most patient woman I ever knew and put other people's needs before her own.

I know that I will get over this, but there will be things I will have wished I had down or asked. If she has to go, I want her to go in peace.

Like I mentioned before, we want to talk to the doctors again and if her organs continue to fail, we will let her go. I just hope that I can talk to her one last time.

 

[gingersmom]

 

[pat]

I am afraid of saying the wrong thing..if I do, please forgive me. But your most recent posts show that it wasn't just "something to say" (and I didn't mean it that way) when I said you are a credit to your mom. You are.

I really felt your comment about not putting things off, as it's been a difficult year for my family too (sudden loss of a brother-in-law who was just 32), and is exactly what I felt I was being reminded of.

I am still saying prayers for all of you, for strength, comfort and peace.

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

I am afraid of saying the wrong thing..if I do, please forgive me. But your most recent posts show that it wasn't just "something to say" (and I didn't mean it that way) when I said you are a credit to your mom. You are.

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

I am still saying prayers for all of you, for strength, comfort and peace.

remember we are all here for you, if you need a caring ear

 

[mzjazz2u]

I'm still praying for you and your family and I think you are incredibly brave. Although I don't post every time you update the thread, I am reading and keeping up with it.

 

[kiwideus]

You are a real credit to your mother. Bless you all.

I am still thinking of you.

 

[carolpetunia]

The way you write about your mother, I feel like I've come to love her too.

Still praying for a miracle -- a big one that would bring her back, or even a small one that would let you say goodbye.

My heart is with all of you.

 

[kluchetta]

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

The way you write about your mother, I feel like I've come to love her too.

Still praying for a miracle -- a big one that would bring her back, or even a small one that would let you say goodbye.

My heart is with all of you.

You just said everything I've been thinking.

Duchess, I feel so badly for you; I really have been thinking about you a lot lately.