For my Kitten

[di and bob]

I know what you mean, my husband is the strongest man I know, and has helped me through my grief, but he cried like a baby each time we lost one of our 6 week olds, one by one to distemper. and he was so tender when he buried them with a kiss. That experience marked his heart forever, just like losing our babies marks ours. The hole it leaves in our heart takes a long time to heal, and it will always leave a scar.

Your little girl was so greatly loved, and that is all she ever wanted. She left you with a wonderful legacy, the ability to give, and to receive, the love she offered, so willingly and so completely.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Yes, they do.  And so often they aren't quite sure what to do with those tears. 

 

[kittens mom]

Two months. Where did they go. It was around this time I knew that we had pretty much reached the end of the road with Kitten. Something else was going on. We'd had a few good days only to see a slight decline and then throwing up her feeding tube. Something else was going on. Just a week before I took her in thinking we were seeing another bout of URI. I mean by the time I got her there she acted pretty normal. It didn't register with me when the vet said she had jaundice in her gums. Or that she was likely a very sick cat. Give me some antibiotics and eye ointment and we'll go home. The vet must have thought I was dense as a brick wall.  Blood work. Ok we were going to do that during her January appointment but now is fine. Cost was the same. Again nothing was registering on my meter that we were in real trouble. When the vet was trying to tell me that she needed to be admitted to the critical care unit again I resisted. I just didn't get it.  And it slowly sunk in. I was sitting there in the room with her waiting for the tech to come back and get her and I had what I though was the most awful morbid though.

What if I don't see her again. And I started taking pictures. And I look at them now and I still think how could she be so sick and we/I not notice. And then they hauled her out of the room. It was the last time I seen her without something sticking out of her. 

And now there is Mook sleeping on the bed corner that her and Kitten vied for and a strange expanding cat that is her own self but daily shows that intensity for life and need to be part of whatever we are doing. there is a newly framed picture of Kitten on my desk. One with her lovely eyes looking at me. She is so dearly missed. I am so thankful we made a point to love her every day. She never knew hardship , Her life was one big tasseled satin pillow ride.

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

Some of the last pictures of her before the IVs and feeding tube.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Dear Goddess...she was a beautiful cat.  And no, she did not look critically ill.  I can see why it took forever for you to realize what was being said.  And you adored her,. and she knew it.  Best we can do for them, in the end.

 

[zed xyzed]

What a stunning kitty.  

 

 

[kittens mom]

 
Dear Goddess...she was a beautiful cat.  And no, she did not look critically ill.  I can see why it took forever for you to realize what was being said.  And you adored her,. and she knew it.  Best we can do for them, in the end.

It made no sense at all. Since then I have read account , one after another here where it plays out so similar. X was fine last week. Went a bit off their food so I took him/her in to the vet...We're trying to find a way to live without them. Its possible we mistook some symptoms as the slight behavior changes that happened after the overdose. It's possible the issue had started then and just brewed inside her. It's taken us a long time to stop blaming ourselves. Realistically there wasn't much else we could have done after the vet gave her an OD. A toxin , and that's pretty much what all medications are, can leave the body but still leave damage behind to fester. Some toxins like adjuvants stay in the body forever. It's hard to accept that she was likely dying from the moment that witch stuck a needle in her. We have yet to know the concentration she was given. My guess is the same bad math was used there. And I doubt all the testing in the world would have shown anything more than it did until we noticed what we thought was an URI and decided to take her in on a regular appointment that Monday.

 

[kittens mom]

One of the hardest things for us, and probably a lot of cat owners here are friends and family that just don't get it. Honest most of our family wouldn't get why we spent over 300 dollars for a witnessed cremation let alone the amount spent trying to save her. Even worse they can't comprehend the loss and sadness we feel. Hey we got another cat right ? Problem fixed. I mean my favorite niece let her pregnant cat outside and it was eaten by a coyote. I really don't feel like sharing with her. My closest friend lives in another state and is probably the only one who gets it.  The rest of my husbands family goes through pets like toilet paper. Mine live thousands of miles away. It's the most alone feeling isn't it.

There is a common bond here. Our cats are family.

I have a picture of Kitten taken minutes before she was cremated. I love it. Because I can put my finger on the screen and remember exactly how she felt under my hands. It was the last time I would ever touch or see her sweet fluffy puffy body. The glass door on the shelf her box is has finger marks all over it. I don't intentionally count the days and weeks. It's like your mind just knows. Even when I don't really think about over a decade later the first weeks in July I find myself sad and depressed. And like a light bulb I remember that when Nikki died. The last Sunday in the month. Around 11:30 AM the deed was done and could not be undone. I watched my little Kitten go limp and die. I was so relieved it was quick and simple and without a struggle. I remember the vet asking if we'd like more time. No lets do it while she's calm and relaxed. Truth. It doesn't seem real while you're doing it. You know but you're in complete denial. And then there is the body of my Kitten . Limp and lifeless and you're so freaking numb you still can't process it.  And how do you make someone who doesn't get it understand. You Don't. You learn to hold it in because you have enough hurt without having it layered on.

One of the most insulting aspects of this is when you realize if your veterinarian damaged and then likely was responsible for your pets death is unless you purse it nothing happens.  If my neighbors poisoned our cats ( not that they're allowed near our cats ) we could call the police and they would face some criminal charges. We wouldn't have to jump up and down to get something done. 

 

[zed xyzed]

I don't know how people can not be fazed by the loss of a dear pet. I honestly worry about what will happen to me when Midi goes. I am prone to depression and I am honestly worried that when Midi goes I will follow. He is my dearest friend and I can't see a life without him. Sorry to sound like a nut case. 

 

[margd]

 
I don't know how people can not be fazed by the loss of a dear pet. I honestly worry about what will happen to me when Midi goes. I am prone to depression and I am honestly worried that when Midi goes I will follow. He is my dearest friend and I can't see a life without him. Sorry to sound like a nut case. 

You do not sound like a nut case.  When my Milo passed away from cancer, I was destroyed.  Every time I allowed myself to think of it, it felt like there was a huge hole in reality.  Sometimes I felt like I was going to be swallowed up, other times like I was falling down an endless black pit.  It was so overwhelming, I adopted another cat.  Not for everyone, but it sure helped me.  Honestly, I think I would have gone a little nuts if dear Polly hadn't' come into my life.  They are our family, our friends and we love them with all our hearts.  I feel sorry for people who never have such a bond with an animal.  

 

[ginny]

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

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• kittens mom
• Jan 30, 2016

Some of the last pictures of her before the IVs and feeding tube.

Are these the pictures taken a week before she died? If so, I'd have been fooled too.  She looks like she's looking for the exit door.  I love her coloring.  I just wish I could see her face plainly.

Your post reminded me of a pretty profound statement I once heard:  "A man's propensity to be deceived by others is eclipsed only by his ability to deceive himself."   I think this is true, especially when it comes to seeing the end of our dear pets lives.  I think we know, but we don't want to know.  

 

[kittens mom]

 
I don't know how people can not be fazed by the loss of a dear pet. I honestly worry about what will happen to me when Midi goes. I am prone to depression and I am honestly worried that when Midi goes I will follow. He is my dearest friend and I can't see a life without him. Sorry to sound like a nut case. 

I told my husband I am simply broken right now. I have been treated for depression and anxiety, OCD. I can only tell you it is one day at a time. and the support I received after she was blinded and then lost to us her has been invaluable in finding ways to cope.

From one nut case to another.

 

[ginny]

 
I don't know how people can not be fazed by the loss of a dear pet. I honestly worry about what will happen to me when Midi goes. I am prone to depression and I am honestly worried that when Midi goes I will follow. He is my dearest friend and I can't see a life without him. Sorry to sound like a nut case. 

If @Kittens Mom  doesn't mind, would you consider getting Midi a little friend? It's good you know this about yourself ahead of time, that way you can prepare now.  I said the same thing when Garfy passed, and here I still am.  I even said that about my own mom, yet I'm still here.  Barely, but still...

You don't have to apologize to us, we understand.  

 

[kittens mom]

 
You do not sound like a nut case.  When my Milo passed away from cancer, I was destroyed.  Every time I allowed myself to think of it, it felt like there was a huge hole in reality.  Sometimes I felt like I was going to be swallowed up, other times like I was falling down an endless black pit.  It was so overwhelming, I adopted another cat.  Not for everyone, but it sure helped me.  Honestly, I think I would have gone a little nuts if dear Polly hadn't' come into my life.  They are our family, our friends and we love them with all our hearts.  I feel sorry for people who never have such a bond with an animal.  

Adopting after a loss is different than wanting a first pet or adding to the clowder. There are different emotions at play. The best way to describe it is you feel like you're shopping for porn behind the back curtain of a store. There is a certain shame. How can you even think about getting another pet so soon. So soon is variable from our case of 5 days to years for someone else. You actually feel like you're doing something wrong. You're cheating, disloyal. And yet deep down you understand that there is a mutually beneficial relationship to having a pet. At least one that is cared for. Mercy hasn't eased the pain of losing Kitten. She does bring me a great deal of happiness. WE love the little scamp.

 

[ginny]

 
Adopting after a loss is different than wanting a first pet or adding to the clowder. There are different emotions at play. The best way to describe it is you feel like you're shopping for porn behind the back curtain of a store. There is a certain shame. How can you even think about getting another pet so soon. So soon is variable from our case of 5 days to years for someone else. You actually feel like you're doing something wrong. You're cheating, disloyal. And yet deep down you understand that there is a mutually beneficial relationship to having a pet. At least one that is cared for. Mercy hasn't eased the pain of losing Kitten. She does bring me a great deal of happiness. WE love the little scamp.

One can never replace another.  It's different when fellow cat lovers ask that question opposed to John Q Public  - or your family member or neighbor - who does not "get" it.  After Garfy died, I couldn't bear the thought of "getting a replacement for him".  Then Gracie showed up.  I couldn't not help her.  She and her kittens brought my heart to life again.  

When Gracie died, I still had 5 others.  So?  That doesn't make me miss Gracie any less.  (Thank goodness no one actually said that to me.  I pity the fool who would....)  She had her own personality and that's what I miss.

I will miss each one when they go.  I've always loved animals and it just makes sense to have one, like you said.   

 

[kittens mom]

I don't have a good close up of her face on this PC from that night. She looked tired but there were no runny eyes, third eyelid , nasal discharge.  She was laying on the sofa by me and suddenly started licking her lips rapidly , threw up and then seemed unsteady on her feet. When her ears drooped over and just hung I threw her in the crate and went. I don't know but the vet took one look and went for her gums and found the jaundice. And we went from there. She was fairly active until the next Friday when she started throwing up. I was told on Saturday that they had to help her breath during the reinsertion of the feeding tube. That was x-rayed and correct. It was downhill from there and by Sunday morning we pretty much knew. There was an option of surgery which she wasn't likely to survive. Considering her condition was declining rapidly from the time we got there we didn't feel that putting her though a surgery to die during or shortly after was right.  ON the thread Cat blinded by Baytril the last picture is of my husband holding her minutes before she was PTS. She looks so wiped out and in person it was worse.

We like to think that all that modern tech can find and solve anything and every cat will live. Human doctors often spend years trying to diagnose someone and that with a patient that can talk.

My best guess after months of reading

The 3 year rabies with the adjuvant caused an immune reaction that lowered her resistance and resulted in an URI. Something she likely would have recovered from without incident if not from the injection of enrofloxacin  and I don't believe for one moment she got that right when she is still convinced that the dose of over twice the safe limit for cats was fine started a liver issue that just festered until it reached a tipping point and her body couldn't function anymore. Baytri had been implicated in causing liver issues with liver values. An injection OD and then three days of it was probably enough to do it.  Think of Tylenol and the warnings there. We are hoping the SVB is smart enough. And I have the name of the vet doing the investigation. He is more than qualified to flesh this out. Sorry I ramble.

 

[kittens mom]

Today has simply been a bad day. Not all of them are. Today was a end of the month Sunday. I was printing out pictures of all the cats for new frames. The low life vet has yet to respond. I'm sure it will be a dozy and cause more bad days. Tears are still on speed dial. They just don't usually control the whole day. Today was a loss and there was no sense fighting it.

 

[zed xyzed]

 

[ginny]

I'm so sorry. Hugs!

 

[donutte]

I imagine Sundays are rough for you in the same way Thursdays and Saturdays are rough for me. Thursdays because that is the day he died, and Saturdays for... reasons I have yet to figure out. They were bad the two Saturdays I had him before he died too. It's amazing how easily the waterworks start for me. I get the sobs, but then I get the tears pretty often too. Just not as often as before.

As far as being thrown into a deep depression, I'm pretty sure I'm in one. Not sure how deep it is, but it is there. I'm having to finally acknowledge it. And deal with it. I've not gotten my hair dyed since before Lucky died and wow, is there a lot of grey in there. My mom is pretty sure there was never that much grey there before. And the thing is - I just don't care what it looks like. I feel a bit like something snapped in my head in more ways than one.

Kitten was just so precious. She was amazing and beautiful, and left this world way too soon. I hope you are able to get resolution with that vet sooner than later. You at the very least deserve peace in that respect. This will be an open wound until they just stop trying to fight you because they DID wrong you. And Kitten.

 

[kittens mom]

I imagine Sundays are rough for you in the same way Thursdays and Saturdays are rough for me. Thursdays because that is the day he died, and Saturdays for... reasons I have yet to figure out. They were bad the two Saturdays I had him before he died too. It's amazing how easily the waterworks start for me. I get the sobs, but then I get the tears pretty often too. Just not as often as before.

As far as being thrown into a deep depression, I'm pretty sure I'm in one. Not sure how deep it is, but it is there. I'm having to finally acknowledge it. And deal with it. I've not gotten my hair dyed since before Lucky died and wow, is there a lot of grey in there. My mom is pretty sure there was never that much grey there before. And the thing is - I just don't care what it looks like. I feel a bit like something snapped in my head in more ways than one.

Kitten was just so precious. She was amazing and beautiful, and left this world way too soon. I hope you are able to get resolution with that vet sooner than later. You at the very least deserve peace in that respect. This will be an open wound until they just stop trying to fight you because they DID wrong you. And Kitten.

My goal this week is to get my hair done.

Tears are more like microbursts. I've produced some sobs that have a sound I'm not sure is human.

Food has no flavor.  Yesterdays meal was one of the few I enjoyed cooking and eating.

Mercy was sitting on the foot of the bed last night grooming and it looked like Kitten. Rather than freaking out I found it almost comforting things at least look right now and then.  Had an album from one of my favorite bands come the first week of Dec. And never played it till last week. Its like even when I'm enjoying myself there is a overlay of sadness. Our favorite convention is in 4 weeks. I'm actually relieved we're not going. I don't even want to call the cat sitter.

You know Kitten was a shorthaired solid gray baby when she came in. I remember falling in love with her and not being disappointed anymore that she was gray. Of course my opinion of all cats has changed a lot since then.