How I get him to help me out?!!

[jenny82]

I think I got lucky too. My DH's dad stayed home for several years to take care of the kids, cook, and take care of the house while his wife (DH's mom) worked. So my DH was able to see a man doing this sort of thing. Now I usually have to ask DH to help with something, but he usually does it. We have certain jobs that are always his (mowing the lawn, taking out the trash) and certain jobs that are always mine (feeding the cats, cleaning the litter, cleaning the bathroom), but then sometimes we take turns doing things (such as vacuuming, doing dishes, or cooking). It normally helps if I ask him to help in advance (i.e. "Tomorrow morning I'm going to clean the bathroom. While I'm doing that, would you please vaccuum upstairs?") Then he might need a couple reminders.

 

[gingersmom]

I know quite a few guys that did a rotten job with the household tasks their wives asked them to do ON PURPOSE, so that they could get out of having to ever do it again in the future. And then they laugh about it later to their friends.

People can't change other people, they can only change themselves. The way I see it, and this is just my opinion, but if your partner isn't willing to ACT like your partner, then there may be no long-term relationship here.

I don't know enough about your relationship, but I do know that if you do it for him and if there is no balance, then you will simply continue to build resentment and nothing will ever get better, it can only get worse.

My roomie has pretty much stopped helping me around the house, so my general housecleaning has pretty much stopped as well. I refuse to pick up after others. I don't get paid for it, so I'm just not doing it. You mess it up, you clean it up. I still clean up after myself, but I no longer touch the living room, as I would have to literally wade through his mess to clean it (he basically lives in two rooms, the living room and his bedroom.) Until he pitches in, it stays just the way it is. Got a complaint about it? Lift a finger once in a while.

 

[katiemae1277]

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I know quite a few guys that did a rotten job with the household tasks their wives asked them to do ON PURPOSE, so that they could get out of having to ever do it again in the future. And then they laugh about it later to their friends.

People can't change other people, they can only change themselves. The way I see it, and this is just my opinion, but if your partner isn't willing to ACT like your partner, then there may be no long-term relationship here.

I don't know enough about your relationship, but I do know that if you do it for him and if there is no balance, then you will simply continue to build resentment and nothing will ever get better, it can only get worse.

My roomie has pretty much stopped helping me around the house, so my general housecleaning has pretty much stopped as well. I refuse to pick up after others. I don't get paid for it, so I'm just not doing it. You mess it up, you clean it up. I still clean up after myself, but I no longer touch the living room, as I would have to literally wade through his mess to clean it (he basically lives in two rooms, the living room and his bedroom.) Until he pitches in, it stays just the way it is. Got a complaint about it? Lift a finger once in a while.

Amen to that sista!!

I tried all the tricks with my ex, not doing anything, just doing mine, talking about it, screaming about it, nothing worked and I can honestly say that it was one of the main reasons I ended up kicking him out

among other things of course, but everything Betsy said is that straight truth, ESPECIALLY the resentment part. If it is important for him to help you out around the house, then do not back down because it will rear its ugly head later

 

[phenomsmom]

Ok! So I am gong to go home and talk to Lee about it for the 30th time. If it doesn't get better ima going to stop cleaning up after him. If it doesn't get better after that i am moving out. Hopefully it won't come to that but in the mean time I will be looking at apartments!

 

[gingersmom]

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

Ok! So I am gong to go home and talk to Lee about it for the 30th time. If it doesn't get better ima going to stop cleaning up after him. If it doesn't get better after that i am moving out. Hopefully it won't come to that but in the mean time I will be looking at apartments!

Awwww major

to you! Hang in there, and know that the TCS gang is here for you no matter what!!!

 

[fwan]

I thought lee was going to Germany?

Those army things teach men good.

 

[phenomsmom]

No Lee stayed in Germany for all of a week. He decided he didn't want that job and quit and came home. This is so hard. I love him tons and I know this isn't really a huge thing in life but it bothers me and he should care that it bothers me. He gets defeensive when I bring it up to him.

 

[lsulover]

I wish I could help you out with some hints, but I don't know any.

I have been married to the same man for almost 30 years. I have always done all the housework and cooking and stuff. My husband does do the outside cooking, and he does the yard and stuff like that.

I never worked when my children were growing up, so I really didn't mind doing all the house stuff. Now it is just me and him cause the kids are out of the house, and he works offshore so he is gone a week at the time and I am by myself then, (except the dog).

And ya'll are gonna faint when you read the next thing I am gonna say, I EVEN FIX MY HUSBANDS PLATE AT SUPPER. I have always done that too.

 

[squirtle]

Originally Posted by LSULOVER

I wish I could help you out with some hints, but I don't know any.

I have been married to the same man for almost 30 years. I have always done all the housework and cooking and stuff. My husband does do the outside cooking, and he does the yard and stuff like that.

I never worked when my children were growing up, so I really didn't mind doing all the house stuff. Now it is just me and him cause the kids are out of the house, and he works offshore so he is gone a week at the time and I am by myself then, (except the dog).

And ya'll are gonna faint when you read the next thing I am gonna say, I EVEN FIX MY HUSBANDS PLATE AT SUPPER. I have always done that too.

This is EXACTLY how it is for us, minus the kids! I fix my fiance's plate at dinner time. I cook breakfast for him in the morning before we go to work, and even lay his clothes out

I have no problem with it. The only time I really slack on dinner is when I am super busy with school work. He does the outside work such as mowing the grass, maintaining the pool, and takes care of fixing anything around the house that breaks. This set up works so well for us. I enjoy doing these things. We are both happy, have a clean house, yard, and are well fed

 

[lsulover]

Originally Posted by squirtle

This is EXACTLY how it is for us, minus the kids! I fix my fiance's plate at dinner time. I cook breakfast for him in the morning before we go to work, and even lay his clothes out

I have no problem with it. The only time I really slack on dinner is when I am super busy with school work. He does the outside work such as mowing the grass, maintaining the pool, and takes care of fixing anything around the house that breaks. This set up works so well for us. I enjoy doing these things. We are both happy, have a clean house, yard, and are well fed

I do not lay my husbands clothes out because I hafta go in the bedroom and find them for him,

He can't find anything.

I told him one time that I hoped I didn't die before he did, he asked why? I told him that he wouldn't be able to find clothes to go to the funeral.

And I do not cook breakfast either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[luckygirl]

Brandi, when you find something that works, let me know.... My DH is not SO bad....I mean, I have pitched a fit enough that if he is off of work, he will straighten up & maybe run the vaccuum before he goes out to hang out with his friends. But that's the extent of it.... what bothers me more than anything is plastic cups sitting around with a swallow in it! Or he'll leave his sweatjacket draped over the couch.... now, do I leave a pair of shoes in the living room over night? sure, but I pick up my own shoes! He never has to pick up my stuff!

 

[squirtle]

Originally Posted by LSULOVER

I do not lay my husbands clothes out because I hafta go in the bedroom and find them for him,

He can't find anything.

I told him one time that I hoped I didn't die before he did, he asked why? I told him that he wouldn't be able to find clothes to go to the funeral.

And I do not cook breakfast either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're probably right!

I lay my fiance's clothes out in the morning because if I don't he will have yanked 15 shirts off the hanger trying to find one to wear. I will in turn come home to those 15 shirts lying on the floor waiting for me to hang them back up

 

[lsulover]

Originally Posted by squirtle

You're probably right!

I lay my fiance's clothes out in the morning because if I don't he will have yanked 15 shirts off the hanger trying to find one to wear. I will in turn come home to those 15 shirts lying on the floor waiting for me to hang them back up

I almost fell out of my chair just now laughing, do you think we might be related or something?

 

[mirinae]

I'm really lucky in that J had pretty much the same upbringing that I did: both parents worked, both parents helped out equally around the house, and it was just expected that the kids did the same. So, as an adult, he's pretty good about doing the chores. Sure, he does a rotten job of the dishes (not deliberately, but he simply doesn't see the crud encrusted on the fork or the pasta smears on the microwavable bowl) and he could care less that there's hair in the sink or rings around the bathtub, but all in all he's a pretty tidy guy. I'll often re-do the dishes or clean out the sink, but only because it's easier for me to just do it than to try to get him to see dirt or hair that doesn't seem to exist for him. We also have certain chores that are, more or less, ours alone: he does the laundry while I clean the apartment, he cleans the litterboxes and I make the bed, he does the garbage while I clean the garbage bins and replace the bags, and so on. We cook dinner together, but that's something we both enjoy -- it's not a chore to us. Sometimes it seems like an unfair division of labour (cleaning the apartment requires more effort on my part than him doing the laundry, whereas me making the bed is certainly easier than him cleaning out the litterboxes), but this is what works for us. I made it very, very clear early into our relationship that I'm one of those "don't call me a chick" chicks

and that I expect to be treated as an equal partner, not as a surrogate mother or an indentured servant.

If the division of labour isn't working for you, you need to talk to Lee and let him know this. And I don't mean talk to him while he's watching television or playing on the computer ('cause if he's anything like J, it's in one ear, out the other). Sit him down for A Talk and explain, calmly and rationally (but be sure to keep yourself calm and under control -- men have a tendency to take women less seriously when we raise our voices or start sounding like what they would consider "hysterical"), why you're unhappy with the way things are. Explain to him that your relationship should be a partnership, and that you are not there to baby him or mother him or clean up after him. I wouldn't necessarily make it an ultimatuum ("Change your ways or I walk"), but let him know that this is where you're afraid your relationship is headed if things don't change. Make up a list of chores that need to be done, and then decide who does them. Try to give the chore to the person who hates it the least (for example, I hate cleaning the toilet, but I hate cleaning the litterboxes more; J would prefer not to clean the litterboxes, but the thought of cleaning the toilet makes him feel sick -- we each do the thing the other person hates more); if you both hate a certain chore equally, alternate it so that one week one of you does it, and the next week the other one does. Also remember to divide labour based on capability: lifting heavy garbage bags makes my wrist (CTS) stop functioning, so J is responsible for doing that, whereas he's terrible at housecleaning (no eye for details), so I do it. And if you absolutely cannot agree, ask him if he'd be willing to shell out some money towards paying for a cleaning service once a week (or twice a month, or whatever you can afford) -- if he's like J, he'd rather save the money and (grudgingly) do the work himself, but often putting a monetary value on that kind of labour gives him an idea of just how hard you're working.

Honestly, if I ever came home from work to find J sitting at the computer going "So, what's for dinner?" I'd probably throw my lunch bag at his head. And I have really good aim.

 

[ashleigh]

I am quite lucky in that Alan does help out, he'll wash up, cook, clean and polish etc, but when we were in our teens when we were first together and moved in together he was a lazy sod! His nan more or less bought him up and did everything for him, he soon changed when our daughter came along.

Just tell him you're going on strike and if he can't be bothered to help you out why should you bother helping him, and when he feels something rough on his backside, thats his crusty undrpants because you'd have stopped washing them!

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

WELL WHOOPTY FREEKIN DO!.

I'm sorry i had to laugh at this part

Thankfully i've just got Rosie and Sophie to run after, but i've been where you all are now, but i didn't mind because i'm whats known as " Old school " and wanted to be the little woman of the house.

When Gil comes down though he automatically helps me, because it's what he's used to after having to bring 2 teenage kids up himself.

 

[rosey]

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

No Lee stayed in Germany for all of a week. He decided he didn't want that job and quit and came home. This is so hard. I love him tons and I know this isn't really a huge thing in life but it bothers me and he should care that it bothers me. He gets defeensive when I bring it up to him.

mine does too. He helps but only if i ask him too and generally there is grumbling involved.
I didn't mind doing everything when I didn't work but now I work and we have a daughter, I need help. When he is in school, I wouldn't mind IF he actually WAS doing his homework and not playing at the computer.

I want him to help without being asked. Like right now, he's asleep on the couch and the tv tray is piled up with plates, cans and empty wrappers....

Mine gets very defensive to but I think maybe making a list of chores. I'm thinking about making one for my family because my daughter is almost 6 and she needs to start helping. I do not want her to grow up lazy.
And if i ever have a boy, I will totally teach him everything too.

Don't you think it's funny how they were able to do all this stuff before being married and living with you? Now all of a sudden, we don't know how to do laundry or clean....

Good luck!

 

[cata_mint]

My bf's parents are separated and he lives with his mum, who makes him and his brother help around the house. He's a Great cook, but HATES washing up, which I like to do as I find it quite relaxing. Fortunatly, or not, we don't live together so don't have to really do any other chores as a couple.

If I have kids I'll be saying
"I didn't have a 20 hour labour, and raise you all this time to have a lazy kid!"

 

[gailc]

After 21 years of marriage I now I am married to the slob of the family!!
Neil is the youngest in the family and growing up on a dairy farm-the women did all the housework and the me did the outside stuff. So I had a big problem right at the start!! His brother that is closest to him in age I think got the rest of the cleaning genes in the family!!
But what I do is give him choices-do yo want to vaccuum or clean the bathrooms. That seems to work quite well. Plus do not expect them to clean the same way or same speed you do. I just keep my mouth **** (yest its hard at times) He does all the lawn mowing and snow blowing/shoveling and brings up that point every now and then.
With me not working right now I do have the time for all of this cleaning stuff.
Oh and what I will do is carry the laundry basket upstairs and then "ask" if he can come upstairs for a couple of minutes. Then I make him help put the laundry away. Baby steps for sure!!

 

[jenny82]

Originally Posted by GailC

But what I do is give him choices- do you want to vaccuum or clean the bathrooms. That seems to work quite well.

This is a great idea! I've tried it and it really works too. Also I've heard that you should do the same thing with children.