How I get him to help me out?!!

[neetanddave]

Originally Posted by katiemae1277

Good luck with it Brandi!

I don't know why, but it just irks me to no end when people's advice (and this is in no way directed at the person giving the advice, just the concept of the advice) consists of lavishly praising the guy for lifting one little finger- where is OUR praise for doing ever gosh darn little thing? this advice was also given to me about my ex and I refused to go down that path, he's a grown man, not a child, and needs to be treated as such. Sorry just had to vent about that

I didn't say I agreed with praising them for every little thing, just that that is how a man's brain works. Proven in studies, they don't process info the same as women do. Whether you agree with how to do something doesn't matter, it's the end result that you are after.

 

[twstychik]

I'm wondering how many of you having trouble getting your guy's to pitch in are actually asking them to help out when your cleaning? Or are you all expecting them to get motivated on their own? If it's the latter you'll be waiting for a long time! My guy doesn't do much with out being asked. He'll cook dinner but that's cuz he loves cooking. Praise is also a very usefull thing. I have to ask for help with chores (including taking out the trash which we both see as a "boy" job). So, I always thank him for helping and espically if he's done it with out being asked. Like last night I got home and he'd taken the trash out on his own. Of course, he didn't replace the liner but I still thanked him for taking it out and didn't mention the missing liner. I mean really, is it that hard to say thanks. Sure, I feel underappreciated sometimes because he doesn't acknowledge even half of what I do around the house... but it sure does feel good when he does. Besides, I'm not in a relationship to keep score of who does what and who get's thanked for it.

 

[phenomsmom]

Originally Posted by twstychik

I'm wondering how many of you having trouble getting your guy's to pitch in are actually asking them to help out when your cleaning? Or are you all expecting them to get motivated on their own?

I ask Lee constantly. And when he does help its a half-A job like he thinks if he does a bad job I will just quit asking.

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

I told him that I loved him to death but couldn't take him being out of work all week and going hunting or fishing or whatever and leaving the house without even taking out the garbage.

Sounds to me like you have more problems than him just not helping around the house.

Am I right to read what you said as he's unemployed and goofs off all week while you are out working for a living to support the both of you?

 

[phenomsmom]

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Sounds to me like you have more problems than him just not helping around the house.

Am I right to read what you said as he's unemployed and goofs off all week while you are out working for a living to support the both of you?

He is working some but its in construction and its been rainy and his boss is sorry. He can't get any work lined up until Jan 2. Luckily he is working today.
He was working a great paying job but that company out sourced to China nad he lost his job.

 

[gingersmom]

Interesting...I guess we are now supposed to train men as if they are pets or small children? Grown men? Pats on the head with a "Good boy!"

Well...I HAVE heard that they never grow up...Maybe if you offer him cookies?

Seriously, though, after your "talk" with him, I really hope he wakes up a bit and realizes that you are absolutely worth his putting a little bit of effort into the relationship!

 

[twstychik]

I don't think he's unemployed... I think he's just off for the week.

I'm sorry that you ask and he still BS's around. I just wanted to be sure you weren't expecting him to read your mind or something like alot of women do. Not trying to offend anyone.

I'm afraid that this may just be a part of Lee that you'll have to learn to deal with. It seems that you've given this your best efforts. I hope he takes you seriousely and puts forth a real and lasting effort. But sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if he does what is necissary to keep you there then slacks off after he's sure you'r sticking around again.

 

[neetanddave]

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Interesting...I guess we are now supposed to train men as if they are pets or small children? Grown men? Pats on the head with a "Good boy!"

Well...I HAVE heard that they never grow up...Maybe if you offer him cookies?

Hey, whatever works!

 

[lookingglass]

Let me put this out there. Men like to fix things. If you set up cleaning like something is "broken" in the house he'll be more apt to do it. Let me give you an example. Sit him down, and talk about it. Tell him to view cleaning like he views a broken ceiling fan or computer (whatever he likes to fix). In your view when something is dirty it's broken. It has to be fixed.

 

[trouts mom]

I'm not sure if someone already suggested this but, have you tried sitting down and talking to him calmly about how it is your home TOGETHER and he needs to contribute? If you let him know when you are not angry or upset it may get through to him better because he'll know your serious.

Again, sorry if this was mentioned..I don't have the patience to read through this whole thread..I'm kinda sick..

Uh...on a side note....:censor::censor::censor: Is wrong with men? Why do 99% of them HATE cleaning and helping around the house?? I don't get it...(rant over)

 

[katiemae1277]

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Interesting...I guess we are now supposed to train men as if they are pets or small children? Grown men? Pats on the head with a "Good boy!"

Well...I HAVE heard that they never grow up...Maybe if you offer him cookies?

That's exactly what I was referring too, we as these guy's GF's or wives are NOT their mothers, if they haven't realized that stuff actually doesn't magically appear cleaned/cooked/etc we're not going to help the situation by saying "Oh, honey! you put your dirty glass in the sink, you did such a great job today! why don't you sit down so I'll rub your feet after all that hard work" gimme a freakin break

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Am I right to read what you said as he's unemployed and goofs off all week while you are out working for a living to support the both of you?

this is basicaly what the situation was with my ex

got real old, real fast

 

[twstychik]

Wow, is it really that hard to say "Thanks for helping honey" even if it's only something little?! It doesn't have to be patronizing or demeaning or even childish. Heck, my honey thanks me for doing things like cooking and laundry and I really appreciate. It makes me feel like my hard work isn't going un-noticed and it makes me feel appreciated. Don't you think a guy might do more work if what he already does is appreciated?!

 

[katiemae1277]

Originally Posted by twstychik

Wow, is it really that hard to say "Thanks for helping honey" even if it's only something little?! It doesn't have to be patronizing or demeaning or even childish. Heck, my honey thanks me for doing things like cooking and laundry and I really appreciate. It makes me feel like my hard work isn't going un-noticed and it makes me feel appreciated. Don't you think a guy might do more work if what he already does is appreciated?!

I'm not saying you can't say thanks for talking out the garbage, washing the car, whatever, but the way I took the previous advice was to lavishly praise him for doing the smallest thing, and yes I would refuse to do that when I'm busting my butt working 2 jobs plus doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, that IS demeaning to me IMO

 

[squirtle]

Wow.. I guess I really am the only one who feels this way and I don't mean anything I say to come off wrong or sound as though I am making light of anyone's feelings, but from what I am reading a majority of women go through this problem. Is it really worth ending a relationship over?

I say that because in so many of your previous posts, Brandi you come across sounding so incredibly happy with Lee. You guys are very much in love and I would hate to see your relationship come to an end over something like housework.
As I mentioned before, I work full time, go to school full time, and do all of the household chores. My fiance works full time and does all of the outside and "manly" chores as I call them. I know some of you are going to say that I am setting the women's movement back lightyears, but I feel like the cooking and cleaning are my responsibility in the relationship. I enjoy doing them and am proud of the things that I do. I enjoy taking care of my fiance and we are both very happy and get along great.
All of this talk about offering cookies, extra praises, or refusing to clean up after him (which leads to a messy house which I couldn't stand) sounds like so much more work and effort than just cleaning up yourself.

I guess I just don't get it.

I am going to run away now because I am sure I am going to be told off

 

[yosemite]

Originally Posted by twstychik

Wow, is it really that hard to say "Thanks for helping honey" even if it's only something little?! It doesn't have to be patronizing or demeaning or even childish. Heck, my honey thanks me for doing things like cooking and laundry and I really appreciate. It makes me feel like my hard work isn't going un-noticed and it makes me feel appreciated. Don't you think a guy might do more work if what he already does is appreciated?!

I agree with you on this. Hubby and I have been together for 30 years and when he does things for me I still say thank you, e.g., change my car oil, rotate my tires, do my brake pads. I don't thank him for taking out the garbage because he does that every week and it's "one of his jobs". I do 99.9% of the cooking and washing up, 100% of the laundry and ironing (I even press his jeans which he loves), 99% of the vacuuming, 100% of the litter cleaning, bathroom cleaning - you get the idea. I NEVER have to mow a lawn, clean an eaves trough, worry about my car running smoothly or any major repairs on our home. After 30 years he still thanks me for making a nice dinner, mentions how nice the house looks after I've spent several hours cleaning, thanks me for pressing his jeans, etc. We also both have a good work ethic. He gets home almost an hour before I do and does not start dinner - honestly that annoys me sometimes, but then I realize that if I don't feel like cooking, he never complains and will find something quick and fix it for himself with no hard feelings towards me because I didn't cook.

If your significant other is not working and just laying around playing video games, you have a problem. I honestly don't think fighting about it is going to help. If you can make a list, divide it so that both of you share the chores and you both continue to do those chores without backsliding, then perhaps you will succeed. If after a week or two you find you are back to doing everything yourself again, then this is what your future will be with this man. Now you have to make a decision - can you live with him for the next 30+ years and accept this without being upset or resenting him? If you are this upset now, believe me time will NOT make it easier. Once enough resentment has built up, your relationship will fracture and you'll be another divorce statistic.

It isn't the big things that break up relationships and marriages, it's the little things that pile up until the heap is so high you can't seem to get beyond it.

 

[icklemiss21]

I am going to have to email my BF's mother and thank her for teaching them how to cook and clean as kids, my BF and 2 of his 3 brothers are neat freaks and one of them is an amazing cook.

Not taking his side here, but I have to admit, if I get a week off work I wouldn't do a thing, right now I am *thinking* about cleaning up (we have both been working long hours and the place is a mess), he is working all week so I know I *should* be the one to do it but I also know I really need some down time and as much as I like the place clean, my sanity it more important right now.

However, if it is an ongoing thing and not just the fact that he is home and not doing anything this week (which I am assuming it is as I can't see you moving out over one week of not cleaning) I suggest that you make up a list of all the chores that need to be done and let him pick the ones he will do (split the list right in half and include everything from cooking, cleaning and taking out the trash), letting him pick the ones he will do will make them more likely to get done and even if you are left with some you hate, at least you are not left doing everything

Oh and the one that works for my sister is she does general tidying during the week but on the weekends when my mum takes my nephew for the day she does a proper clean, she tells him if he helps they have more time for them to spend alone without the kid around... I know there are no kids involved but I am sure there is something you would like to do together that you would have more time for if you weren't spending so much time cleaning

 

[jenny82]

Originally Posted by lookingglass

Let me put this out there. Men like to fix things. If you set up cleaning like something is "broken" in the house he'll be more apt to do it. Let me give you an example. Sit him down, and talk about it. Tell him to view cleaning like he views a broken ceiling fan or computer (whatever he likes to fix). In your view when something is dirty it's broken. It has to be fixed.

That's an interesting idea and it might work for some, but not my DH. I can get him to clean, but he hates fixing things. Since there are some things that I can't fix, a few things have been broken for awhile.

 

[kittylover4ever]

I'm with ya on this Tanya........but everyone is different....all I know is my Jerry is very messy and does't offer to help much around the house without being asked, but I wouldn't give him up for nothing and as I stated earlier, I prefer to do all the work around the house because it gets done the way I want it.

Originally Posted by squirtle

Wow.. I guess I really am the only one who feels this way and I don't mean anything I say to come off wrong or sound as though I am making light of anyone's feelings, but from what I am reading a majority of women go through this problem. Is it really worth ending a relationship over?

I say that because in so many of your previous posts, Brandi you come across sounding so incredibly happy with Lee. You guys are very much in love and I would hate to see your relationship come to an end over something like housework.
As I mentioned before, I work full time, go to school full time, and do all of the household chores. My fiance works full time and does all of the outside and "manly" chores as I call them. I know some of you are going to say that I am setting the women's movement back lightyears, but I feel like the cooking and cleaning are my responsibility in the relationship. I enjoy doing them and am proud of the things that I do. I enjoy taking care of my fiance and we are both very happy and get along great.
All of this talk about offering cookies, extra praises, or refusing to clean up after him (which leads to a messy house which I couldn't stand) sounds like so much more work and effort than just cleaning up yourself.

I guess I just don't get it.

I am going to run away now because I am sure I am going to be told off

 

[phenomsmom]

I am happy with Lee. He is sweet and considerate about most things. He is the only one I want. But I am not here to be his mother and cook for him all the time and clean for him all the time and wash all his clothes. I just want him to put forth some effort when it comes to houshold chores. Yes he does service the vehicles and that has been getting my car running lately and the truck was having some issues Tuesday. But when he is off work he can clean up a room or two and I will be perfectly happy. I am not asking him to clean the entire house from top to bottom while he is off because I don't expect him to ask me to do that on my off time. But when I am working and he isn't he can start dinner and I can come home and help him finish and clean up. Or he can vacuum the area rug or bedrooms. I just want simple things that take maybe an hour out of his day. I don't think tha is a lot to ask of him. And I am big about please and thank you's. I still say thank you for dinner when he takes me out after 4 years and a shared income.

 

[neetanddave]

Originally Posted by squirtle

Wow.. I guess I really am the only one who feels this way and I don't mean anything I say to come off wrong or sound as though I am making light of anyone's feelings, but from what I am reading a majority of women go through this problem. Is it really worth ending a relationship over?

I say that because in so many of your previous posts, Brandi you come across sounding so incredibly happy with Lee. You guys are very much in love and I would hate to see your relationship come to an end over something like housework.
As I mentioned before, I work full time, go to school full time, and do all of the household chores. My fiance works full time and does all of the outside and "manly" chores as I call them. I know some of you are going to say that I am setting the women's movement back lightyears, but I feel like the cooking and cleaning are my responsibility in the relationship. I enjoy doing them and am proud of the things that I do. I enjoy taking care of my fiance and we are both very happy and get along great.
All of this talk about offering cookies, extra praises, or refusing to clean up after him (which leads to a messy house which I couldn't stand) sounds like so much more work and effort than just cleaning up yourself.

I guess I just don't get it.

I am going to run away now because I am sure I am going to be told off

I didn't say I give the cookies or extra praises, I just said those things work.

Like you, I actually do most of our housework myself. Dave does the vacuuming, trash, and the "guy stuff." He helps with whatever I ask him to, which usually isn't much because I just do it and get it over with. No need to have a two hour fight over a 15 minute cleaning job.