I've been at the hospital for a bit. It's just so surprising how many people care about her and us and how many people she has touched in her life.
If it comes down to the funeral home, they have a website where all the pictures will be and if anyone would like to see, just PM me. However, that is still yet to come.
I've told her family in germany and they are all very shocked and upset. I told my aunt no matter what happens, that I will most likely stay here for now, but I still want to come over and visit at times. They will be the only link I have with her and her heritage, besides my own, and I don't want to lose that.
Even if I go over by myself, it won't be the same, because we planned on going, but that is one of the few things that does still make me happy.
At least if she does go, she will be in a veteran cemetary which is huge, gated, and very well taken care of. It will only be about 10-15 mins away and I will go every sunday.
I am trying to write down as much as I can about my mom now, her life, her memories, the things she liked because I just don't want to forget and it will just be harder if she does go.
I guess I'm more prepared than my dad because I spent more time with her just taking care of her. I knew what she wanted and I knew she did not want to be in the hospital. I also knew that she has been in pain enough and that I will do all that I can to make sure she isn't.
Life is never what it seems and it has taught me that I should do things while I still can. So whatever may come, if she passes, I will still go to Germany this year. The money doesn't matter, the gas prices, all of that. It may only get worse and I made a promise. I promised her that I would never give up my german citizenship and that I will keep in touch with her family.
We do not know when the doctors will be by so we want to see what they think and have enough time to get everyone that should be up here, time to be here if we do decide to let her go.
If I have learned anything, it's that when decisions need to be made, I can make them to be in her best interest and without emotion. My dad usually asks me what I want or what he wants, but in the end, it will be I who tells them to let her go. I've learned that I am more like my mom than I ever knew. That I can be strong if I have to be and I know that is what she would want. I know that it will break my heart and that it may be months before I go anywhere I used to with her. I will miss her more than ever.
I am glad that for special occassions I went and spent money on the things I knew she would like. I kept thinking that if something happened, I would regret it.
I cry so much more than my mom. I've never seen her cry in my life. She was the most patient woman I ever knew and put other people's needs before her own.
I know that I will get over this, but there will be things I will have wished I had down or asked. If she has to go, I want her to go in peace.
Like I mentioned before, we want to talk to the doctors again and if her organs continue to fail, we will let her go. I just hope that I can talk to her one last time.