The Mackerel Update Thread. :3

[luvmyparker]

Be strong. You're an amazing person for all you've been through with Mackerel.
You did all you could and more right up until the last moment. She was in a place she loved with the person that loved her most by her side.

Time will help heal the wound and like Jan said, you'll start enjoying the good times you shared together. Hang in there. You have all these wonderful people on the site here to talk to if you need it. People who care and understand what you're feeling.

 

[jalindal]

Thanks Jan, Feral and Parker.

Sorry, that was a little bit of a break down... I just... hate trying to sleep now- I'm used to her being curled up next to me in bed. But I'm feeling much better now- I went and woke up my Mum and had a cry and a hug and came back to read your messages. Thank you so much.

 

[libby74]

Originally Posted by Jan

You get very close to a sick cat when you're nursing them. Your whole life revolves around their care, food, medication, giving them as much time and love as possible while you still have them. You don't go out because of them, you wake and go to sleep thinking of them. As well as your grief at losing her, you have to let yourself get used to the fact that you aren't a carer anymore, because you've got so used to being one you don't know what to do now it's over. There's a huge void that caring once filled. Only you can decide how to fill that void, whether you want to go out, stay in, stay with your parents or whatever. But you have to let yourself adjust to being you again, not just Mackerel's nurse.

That was so well put; nursing a sick cat does take over your life, and when that nursing ends you're at a loss. Wonderful advice---you need to adjust to being Sophie again, and we're all here to help you. And honey, the "what ifs" will drive you insane if you let them. So many of us here are old enough to be your parent; trust us when we tell you---you did a wonderful job caring for Mackerel and in the end you made the only decision you could. Please don't beat yourself up; making that final, loving choice for your kitty takes courage and compassion, and you are obviously filled with both.

 

[ruthyb]

I am so, so sorry hun for your loss, you don't have to be brave here, we are all here for you and ready to listen. I am so sorry that we can't give you real hugs but I am sending you lots. You were a wonderful meowmy to Mackerel.xx

 

[my4llma]

Originally Posted by Jalindal

Hey guys, we planted the tree today. I picked a Cottonwood tree- it's a type of hibiscus (tiliaceus Rubra) with these huge gorgeous fragrant yellow flowers in Summer and heart shaped leaves.

I figured that was quite appropriate, really! I'll show you pics tomorrow- by the time we'd finished planting and watering it in (phew) it was dark, so I'll have to take pics in the morning.

Today was hard.

Mum and I went shopping and when she went to grab some raw lamb cubes for dinner tonight I burst into tears in front of everyone. :-S

... and again in the cafe for lunch... and in the garden centre... and at the stationary shop... In hindsight maybe I should have stayed home apart from going to get the tree, but I wanted to be with Mum on her errands. I also got an e-mail from my Grandma saying that she and my Gdad are sorry to hear about Mackerel, but "better luck next time".

Can someone please tell me it gets better?

The tree you planted sounds like it's really beautiful.

Don't feel bad about crying in front of everyone. I did that. We thought it would be good to go away for the day. After Lynxx died, we went to Vermont (my favorite place) well that didn't go well. We stopped at a little dinner and I started crying there in front of everyone. I just wanted to come back home. I needed to get back doing things with the kittens, so we went to a pet store to get them new toys. I wound up crying in there. Especially when I walked by the food dishes that looked like Lynxx's.

I'm sorry about what your grandparents said to you. They didn't know Mackerel like you did.

It will take a while before you stop thinking of Mackerel every moment.

 

[feralvr]

Originally Posted by Jan

You get very close to a sick cat when you're nursing them. Your whole life revolves around their care, food, medication, giving them as much time and love as possible while you still have them. You don't go out because of them, you wake and go to sleep thinking of them. As well as your grief at losing her, you have to let yourself get used to the fact that you aren't a carer anymore, because you've got so used to being one you don't know what to do now it's over. There's a huge void that caring once filled. Only you can decide how to fill that void, whether you want to go out, stay in, stay with your parents or whatever. But you have to let yourself adjust to being you again, not just Mackerel's nurse.

OH WOW!!! This was so well put, and very,very true. Yes, now you have to find another role in your life again! It has been so many weeks of daily care of your sweet girl and now that role is gone as well. Oh Hun, we are all pulling for you

 

[ldg]

Don't you EVER feel embarrassed for anything you feel as you go through this process! You are SO among people who both care AND understand here.

...and we're all crying with you and wish we could do something, anything, to make you feel better. But you hurt so much because you loved her so much.

 

[otto]

Originally Posted by LDG

Don't you EVER feel embarrassed for anything you feel as you go through this process! You are SO among people who both care AND understand here.

...and we're all crying with you and wish we could do something, anything, to make you feel better. But you hurt so much because you loved her so much.

As someone else said, when you arrange your entire life around caring for a special needs kitty, not only do you develop an incredible deep bond, when that kitty is gone, your life seems to have lost it's purpose.

I felt that way after Ootay left me. For months I continued to wake at 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. (her feeding times, she could not go more than a few hours without food) For months I continued to plan my time around her fluids, and so on.

It took a long time for that anxiety, in the back of my mind, any time I was away from home, I was worrying about her. Even after she was gone that worry didn't stop right away, but now when I felt it, I had to remember all over again that she was gone. Cry? Oh boy, yes.

A hole is left, when they leave us.

Crying is okay. Grieving is necessary. Be easy on yourself. You've been through a very traumatic time. Your (our) beloved Mackerel is free of suffering now, it is always those left behind who suffer from the loss.

I know how hard those "I should haves" can hit you. Try to let them go. You did all you could for Mackerel and no one could have loved her more or cared for her better. She knew that, she knows that still.

Cry to us as much as you need to Sophie. We understand. You are among friends who loved Mackerel too. We admire you for all you did for her.

Love and hugs from me.

 

[threecatowner]

When Gray Gray was killed in a cat fight (the feral won) just before Christmas, 2004, I honestly thought I would die. I was in the middle of directing the church Christmas play, and continually lost it in front of kids, adults, you name it.

What I did not remember doing was writing a letter to Gray, chronicling his life and what he meant to me. I believed then, as well as now, that he was an angel sent from God at one of the worst times in my personal life.

Several years later I found that letter and was astonished to see the acute pain I was feeling at the time.

It does get better, piece by piece, bit by bit. You won't realize it's happening. That doesn't take anything away from your love for Mackie. It just is. My prayers are still with you, for I know, oh so well, how you are feeling.

 

[jalindal]

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone. I took pictures of Mackerel's tree a little while ago- here it is. It's small for now, but eventually it will be about 6m tall, very leafy, and it will provide some great shade for, I'm thinking a bench or a chair... somewhere I can go to read when I'm at my parent's house and spend some time with my baby.

 

[farleyv]

Oh that is a lovely tree. Looks so tropical. Don't ever feel you are bothering anyone. It is concerning when we don't hear how you are doing.

Thank goodness for moms and dads. We never stop needing them. I am so glad you are at their place.

All of the last days and moments with my kitties are burned into my heart as well. Second guessing is so normal. Even with humans, how many times have you heard people voice regret at something they didn't do for a loved one. It's part of the process....unfortunately. It's hard enough to deal with and then those regrets start creeping in. In no way did you not do enough. No way.

You are a strong gal. And we are here to lean on at all hours. Macks resting place is perfect. Even a solar light would be nice.....it would glow at night. I hope you spend many hours there just reading, or thinking. She is never far from you.

 

[my4llma]

What a beautiful tree, I'm sure Mackerel loves it

 

[feralvr]

What a lovely little tree, and will grow in spirit of Mackerel to be a beautiful place where you can sit and remember, and feel close to her. A bench would be just perfect. I still think of you daily, and send my prayers down under to you

. I know it is still so hard what you are dealing with, just remember, we are here for you! And, we are crying along with you through the grieving process. There is NO time frame for grief. Just keep reaching out to us and join in on some postings, like you are doing. All that will help you in some small way

. The tree is just a wonderful way to memorialize your beloved

Mackerel

. She is smiling down on you, always

 

[ldg]

Originally Posted by Jalindal

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone. I took pictures of Mackerel's tree a little while ago- here it is. It's small for now, but eventually it will be about 6m tall, very leafy, and it will provide some great shade for, I'm thinking a bench or a chair... somewhere I can go to read when I'm at my parent's house and spend some time with my baby.

Oh it's already beautiful! I love the leaves! It does look like it will be a wonderful shade tree.

What a lovely memorial for your beautiful baby girl.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[jalindal]

I came home today.

A bit sad- there were some sympathy cards from the vets at Hanly and from the lovely vet who put Mackerel to sleep.

It's horrible being at home without her. I had a bit of a cry when I first came home- Mum and Dad stayed with me a bit, and again when I checked the mailbox and found the sympathy cards.

My housemate hasn't actually done anything with Mackerel's stuff. I'm... sort of glad. I'll deal with it myself at some point- definitely not looking forward to it though. -sigh-

I couldn't even empty out her litter trays when I came home.

 

[stephanietx]

I share your sadness and know what you're going through. It's so tough losing a beloved friend, pet, and companion. One thing that really helped me when I lost my Callie was to write about it. I have a little spiral notebook/journal type thing and whenever I was thinking about her, I'd simply write it down, whether it was a happy memory or tear-provoking thought or feeling. Getting those thoughts out of my brain onto paper or even online on my blog really helped me heal and start to move on. Do I ever not think of her? No. Do I miss her terribly each day? YES! Do I still wish she was here to wake me with her soft purr and snuggle every morning? YES! It's difficult for me to look at pics of her, but I keep one at my desk at work and I have TONS on my computer. Sometimes I smile when I see them, sometimes I laugh, but sometimes I cry. Crying really helps, too, and is a natural part of the grieving process.

 

[otto]

Originally Posted by Jalindal

I came home today.

A bit sad- there were some sympathy cards from the vets at Hanly and from the lovely vet who put Mackerel to sleep.

It's horrible being at home without her. I had a bit of a cry when I first came home- Mum and Dad stayed with me a bit, and again when I checked the mailbox and found the sympathy cards.

My housemate hasn't actually done anything with Mackerel's stuff. I'm... sort of glad. I'll deal with it myself at some point- definitely not looking forward to it though. -sigh-

I couldn't even empty out her litter trays when I came home.

I'm glad your room mate didn't remove Mackerel's things. That is something you will do when you are ready. I think you would have been unhappy about it, if she had followed through.

The tree is lovely and it's a fitting memorial for your beautiful little Bridge Angel.

love and hugs

 

[my4llma]

Maybe it's better that your room mate didn't get rid of Mackerel's things. That's something you should do, that way if there is something you want to keep you'll have control over it.

 

[jalindal]

I'm so overwhelmed.

I keep... getting up to do things for her, or walking into a room and seeing her out of the corner of my eye... even when I walk in and out I check to see if she's in the room I left before I shut the door, whenever I hear a scratch at the door I think it's her wanting to be let in... I just...

I miss her so much.

EDIT: I'm glad that she didn't get rid of Mackerel's things. That was one of the things I was fretting about, a little, the thought that maybe I'd get home and there... wouldn't be a trace of her.

 

[otto]

Originally Posted by Jalindal

I'm so overwhelmed.

I keep... getting up to do things for her, or walking into a room and seeing her out of the corner of my eye... even when I walk in and out I check to see if she's in the room I left before I shut the door, whenever I hear a scratch at the door I think it's her wanting to be let in... I just...

I miss her so much.

EDIT: I'm glad that she didn't get rid of Mackerel's things. That was one of the things I was fretting about, a little, the thought that maybe I'd get home and there... wouldn't be a trace of her.

This is completely normal. I know it's disturbing, but when you've arranged your life around another's care for so long, it takes time for the habit to leave.

And if you are seeing her, she's there. She wants to let you know she's okay, I'm sure. Ootay hung around for a week, watching over us, Tolly and I both felt her presence and felt when she left too, and she has visited a few more times since then.