Strong Vibes Needed For Me.... PLEASE?

[white cat lover]

Offer him your help, but be wary. You can't keep doing this to yourself & the kids. What kind of life would that be for them? If he isn't willing to quit drinking & I mean forever, tell him you're sorry, but it's over.

 

[dixie_darlin]

Originally Posted by sharky

I would likely bring him home and have a real talk .... just the two of you ...
I beleive should should make sure jobs are done and bills paid , but remember he is sick

Originally Posted by white cat lover

Offer him your help, but be wary. You can't keep doing this to yourself & the kids. What kind of life would that be for them? If he isn't willing to quit drinking & I mean forever, tell him you're sorry, but it's over.

Originally Posted by icklemiss21

Sorry this is happening to you, especially at Christmas.

You are married, so you have every right to make him pay the bills he also ran up while living there without taking him back.

That's what I was thinking...He ran these bills up just as I did. I did my part on getting the jobs. He has to do his part in completing them.

As I was typing the above, he showed up. He's drunk as a skunk...in the bedroom playing guitar and made excuses for his mom's behaviour. She's called about 9 times cussing me out. I informed her if she EVER comes to my house, I will call the police and if she keeps calling then I will file harrassment charges.

 

[4crazycats]

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

That's what I was thinking...He ran these bills up just as I did. I did my part on getting the jobs. He has to do his part in completing them.

As I was typing the above, he showed up. He's drunk as a skunk...in the bedroom playing guitar and made excuses for his mom's behaviour. She's called about 9 times cussing me out. I informed her if she EVER comes to my house, I will call the police and if she keeps calling then I will file harrassment charges.

I hope things work out. Maybe when hesobers up you can have LONG talk with him and tell him how you feel and let him know what you need from him.

 

[lookingglass]

Honey I am so sorry this is happening right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I have no words of wisdom, or bits of advice, but you do have my friendship. I know you can get through this, and see the light on the other side. Be strong. Stick to your guns. Have faith in your decisions. If you need me please feel free to PM me anytime. I'll answer back as soon as I can.

 

[sharky]

 

[goosehazel]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you

I really don't know what to say since I've never been close to anyone who was an alcoholic. All I can do is offer my prayers and support. I'm here if you need me

 

[dixie_darlin]

Thank you all. He's still a little mouthy but he's eaten and starting to settle down.
He's still defending his mom...to the hilt.
I have pretty much made the decision that after the bills are paid, I'm asking him to leave.
I've had my fill of this. I don't care if the only reason he's defending her is because he's drunk, sometimes the truth comes out when someone his drunk.
I don't think I want anything to do with his mom and in order to not deal with her, I have to have him leave.
I don't understand how she could be so abusive to him as a child and him still support her... even if it is his mom.

It's just going to be a cycle of this over and over. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him and his family. This isn't good for me or my kids. I just want to get through the Holidays (what I can salvage of them) and deal with it afterwards.
He did the same thing a year and half ago and we split up until he got sober.
I'm tired of his lies, deciet and manipulation. He's not the man I married. I'm not sure if it's because he's changed into someone else or if this is the real him...if that makes sense.

I can't help but think this is why he was never married before and had SEVERAL relationships in the past.
He says he's a man and should be able to drink when he wants so. Well, he can go "BE A MAN" somewhere else..... just not here.

 

[4crazycats]

Sorry sweetie! I know its tough. I hope he behaves long enough for you guys to get the bills paid. I didnt realise you were having any trouble. From how you describe him he reminds me of less mean version of Stan. Alchohol can really screw up a person. You cant force him to change. He cant change until his really ready and sometimes you just cant wait around for them to get ready.

Maybe he will pass out soon.

 

[dixie_darlin]

Originally Posted by 4crazycats

Sorry sweetie! I know its tough. I hope he behaves long enough for you guys to get the bills paid. I didnt realise you were having any trouble. From how you describe him he reminds me of less mean version of Stan. Alchohol can really screw up a person. You cant force him to change. He cant change until his really ready and sometimes you just cant wait around for them to get ready.

Maybe he will pass out soon.

I'm hoping he does too... Trust me, he can be VERY violent when he's drunk. This is not the first time we've had issues.... but it's the last!

 

[catsknowme]

So many of us have been in your shoes before

AS for his mom, I'd just try to keep the peace and let him defend her. After all, she IS his mom; perhaps read up on victims of child abuse, his defending her is VERY typical. I applaud you for being strong, though, and I am glad that you are planning ahead (your mom gives wise advice). Unless you are in imminent danger, it is better to break up with a plan in mind. There used to be a guide titled "Getting Away", that our local women's shelter used. These things are never easy, but you have all of us here to give you prayers and support.
When I left my kids' dad (alcoholism), I managed to get away safely with my girls, adequate clothing, the 14 stray cats that we'd been feeding and we came to live with my younger brother in the family house. I cried off & on for about a week; after that, earning money became an issue and I was able to focus on that and on getting my disabled daughter into school. The sad part was that my husband finally saw the light; went to Colorado School of Mines and was 2+ years into the 3 year sobriety that I'd demanded before any reconciliation, and was killed in a mining accident

When the alcoholism is out of your lives, you will look back and wonder why you put up with it for so long. The bottom line is to get it out of your life; if your husband chooses to get sober, fine, but if not, we are here for you.
It's been a rough Christmas season for so many

My nephew was in a car accident in Arizona; he was a passenger in a truck that hit an icy spot and tumbled 600 feet into a snow-filled canyon. The driver was ejected and severely injured. My nephew climbed back to the roadway, and found a ride to the nearest town; they got help, but the driver perished at the scene.

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him and his family. This isn't good for me or my kids.

It's not good for the animals either. Where are they because they must be stressed out hearing shouting going on

 

[satai]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I have no words of advice or comfort either, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[kaylacat]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You and your kids deserve better and it doesn't seem like he is willing to change any time soon. Stay strong.

 

[peachytoday]

DixieDarlin

I have been sober now for 17 years. One of my most shameful moments that keep me sober today is the Thanksgiving my dad drove to pick me up to spend time with the family and after one hour I told him I would rather be drinking then be with the family. He drove me back to the place I was staying knowing I was killing myself and there was nothing he could do. I will never forget the look on his face. The reason I am telling you this is I want you to know that this is not personal. There is nothing you can do if an alcoholic want to drink. I love my Dad, always had, but the compulsion to drink was too strong and I was too weak. In Al-anon we liken the alcoholic to a tornado that rip through peoples lives uprootiing family, home, work and friends. Whatever you do you must be strong. Seek help from people who have been there and have sucessfully acheived serenity in their lives whether the alcoholic is in their life or out of it at this point. It can be done. There is no doubt that living with alcoholism can be devastating and emotionally draining. I will be thinking about you and sending vibes for you and your husband.

Tricia

 

[mooficat]

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

Trust me, he can be VERY violent when he's drunk.

Oh I have just read this whole thread through and I am sending my vibes of strength & positiveness to you

I do not know you well, only from our common interest here on TCS, and I hope you can hear my words as good intentions, your comment above has frightened me

It seems you have been "here" before to some lesser or greater degree, do you really want this to carry on year after year. You must be totally drained and I know its sounds very cliched but you are worth more than all this distress and pain.
I cannot tell you what to do, all I suggest is you give yourself time to focus on the important things in your life, YOU, your children and the people that you love and love you back. Then I hope your decision takes you to a better place.

 

[jennyr]

I have a friend who is a alcoholic, though dry now for 4 years, and my second husband lost two jobs through heavy drinking, though he never quite became an alcoholic. As said, if people want to drink, then nothing will stand in their way, it is a sickness. But you do not have to put up with it - it is a sickness that affects everyone the drinker is near. And they will never even start the process of recovery while someone close is supporting their drinking. So I would make sure you and hte kids and cats have some security, in the sense of bills being paid if that is possible and then kick him hard by throwing him out. If he thinks he can get way with it he will, and only by tough love will he have any chance. His mother may be the problem after that though, but there is nothing you can do about that. I am so sorry that this is happening now - you have had such a bad time.

 

[squirtle]

I am sorry that you are going through this, especially at Christmas. I would strongly recommend checking into an Alanon group in your area. They provide counseling for spouses of alcoholics. It would be a wonderful support system for you, and I think you would way away with a better understanding of the illness and the best way for you to deal with it, if that is what you choose to do. If you decide that you prefer not to deal with it any longer, the support would be beneficial and I am sure you would meet people who have been in the same boat as you are.
There is also a program for children of alcoholics called Alateen.

I am not sure if you were aware of these programs or not all ready, but I wanted to mention them just in case.

 

[momofmany]

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

It's just going to be a cycle of this over and over.

Repeat this to yourself over and over every time you have second doubts about accepting him into your life.

Alcoholism runs in my family, the worst being my brother who has been going thru these "cycles" for about 35 years now. For the first 20 years, he always showed up on my doorstep when he was at his worst (no one would marry him so he doesn't have a family of his own). He even went so far to bring a gun with him and threaten to commit suicide if no one "helped" him.

There is nothing you can do to help him. Trying to do so will simply enable him to carry on with his alcoholism games. The only way to break his cycle is to break yourself free of it. Alcoholics Anonymous calls it tough love. It's the hardest thing that a person can do with someone they love but it is really the only thing that you can do to help him.

My brother would come over and steal from me, lie to me, put me thru emotional turmoil, then leave, only to come back and do the same the next visit. I finally told him that once he joins AA, gets himself on antibuse for life, and turns his life around, that I would accept him as my brother. It was a liberating experience. He has actually been sober now for about 5 years.

I know Christmas is the hardest time of year to deal with this, but do realize that it is holidays that bring out the worst in an alcoholic. You have done nothing wrong, but they all have a knack of making you feel that you are the one that is causing the problem. It is the deceipt of the alcoholic and the game that they master first. Do not blame yourself for this!!

You can look at it this way: forcing the issue on him right now could be the best christmas present to yourself ever. Think about how you feel right now, and how you might feel if you didn't have to live thru the turmoil day after day after day.

Big

to you. I hope you find some peace this Christmas.

 

[bella713]

Alycia, I am so sorry to read this, I feel for you and your children. I will pray for God to give you the strength to get through this. To quote Dr. Phil:"Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one."
We are all here for you

 

[abymummy]

I really don't know what to say...sending you lots of positive energy...you will be able to make it through.

I'm here if you need a friend or someone to vent on...

I hope Christmas is peaceful and may god shower his blessings on you and your boys.