Saying Goodbye To Xena.

[frankie the cat]

A letter for Xena.
It is 1:50am and I am in an emotional hurricane. See, I am faced with a painful decision that is leaving me breathless. You are to be put to sleep in just 8 hours. A huge part of me wants you to die naturally instead of me being the one to end your life. The other part of me doesn't want you to suffer, because I love you so much. I am truly torn. So I am writing this letter to you so you know just how loved you are and why i made the decision that I have made. Xena I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. You were this dirty little cat living in the parking lot of the apartment complex, scared and alone. I kind of knew what that was like. I immediately wanted to help you from the first moment i saw you and i did. I fed you every day and looked for you every day. And in return you made me your person. And what a reward that was. Because I was your ONLY person. You looked for ME. You cried for ME. You trusted ME. And you liked only ME. The road for us was rocky at first. Remember how I had you living outside? I hooked up a place for you to live on my patio because i had to keep you a secret. I remember when I looked out the door one day and saw you there. I was overjoyed because the apartment complex management wanted to get rid of you because the neighbors though you were a nuisance. That was my fault though. Since I always fed you in the parking lot that was where you wanted to be. Remember how you would cry outside my door ? I would come out and feed you with Frankies food. Frankie would get so upset and run to the window to watch me. He also always let me know when you were outside.He would get in the window and make these noises that alerted me. And I always came to you. Because my heart wouldn't have it any other way. Because I was your person. And you were my cat. Then when you had problems with your pregnancy I saved your life. I was so fearful that you would die and I remember when the vet sent me a text late at night I was so relieved that you survived the surgery. But I was sad that you lost your 5 kittens. After that thought you came indoors to live me Frankie and Charles. And ever since that day you have been an important part of our life. I was your person. And you were my cat. I know you think that Charles doesn't like you. He not only likes you but he loves you just as I do. He just didn't like the idea of you at first. I want you to know that Xena. I want you know that Charles has been a great comfort to me these past few days. That you aren't just loved by me, but also Charles. You always acted mean towards him but he never took it personally. We know that is just how you are.
I want you to know Xena that over the years you have brought me endless joy. And in this moment your loss of life is one of my greatest sorrows.I know that there will never be another you.I will do my best not to mourn for you a long time. But I will mourn you. I will also celebrate your life and hold dear our wonderful memories. I needed to let you know these things Xena. I needed to let you know that I have always loved you. And I did my best to keep my promise. Always remember my promise Xena. That with me you will never be hungry, lonely or homeless. That you would be loved and taken care of. And that you would always be your person, and you will always be my cat. In that promise I made to you, I know I never said I would end your life. But I need to end your suffering because I promised to take care of you. And this is the final way I can say I love you. Because your suffering is killing me. Seeing you so weak and not eating and breathing so heavily lets me know it is time. I don't want you to suffer. So Xena this isn't good bye for us. It is just a pause until I see you later. Wait for me. I'll be there eventually. And I will look forward to you greeting me like only you can do. Because I am your person. And you are my cat.

This is the link to Xenas beginnings with us Hi my name is Xena

Xena has lost her fight to breast cancer. She had two mammary tumor removals. And a round of Chemo. The tumor just kept coming back. Always the same spot. Please spay your females. The sooner they are spayed the better their chances of not getting these mammary tumors which for my baby Xena is now resulting in her premature death. She is about 11 years old.

 

[les26]

You have told her in no uncertain terms how you feel about her and I am sure that she understands and the feeling is mutual, you did a WONDERFUL thing helping her and she knows it and loves you and thanks you for it. You and your little family will miss her but she will be better now, no more suffering or pain she will be just fine, but it is always so so hard to have to "play God" but she needs to leave her sickly Earthly body and fly with the Angels and be healthy and whole once again....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

You did a great thing for her, and I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

 

[Antonio65]

Xena read your words out of your mind while you were writing your letter to her. Cats can read human minds, and she knows it well how loved has been, still is, and always will be.
You changed her world, from a cold and scary environment, to a warm and safe place where the food is never short.
She'll alays have you as the only person to trust, you'll always have her as a furball in your heart. And you'll meet again, eventually, and it'll be for good.

RIP Xena, you fought your fight bravely, you have not lost, you have had your enemy win. You'll be a hero anyway.

 

[betsygee]

I am so very sorry. It's such a difficult decision to let a beloved family member go. I'm thinking about you both today.

 

[frankie the cat]

Thank you all for responding with kindness. She is officially at peace and now I am not. I miss her so much. I have 4 other fur babies but they aren't her. I feel such a sense of loss. Like my world as I know it shattered and I cannot put the pieces together again. I know the pain will lessen. It's just that right now...... it's hard for me to believe she is gone. Again.... thank you for the kind words.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Xena, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I don't have to remind you that she loves you always...every word of your letter to her tells me that you know this to the depth of your soul, so I will only say, my heart with yours.

 

[Maria Bayote]

Xena, you were loved so dearly and you will always be. Thank you for being a part of someone's life. You gave your family so much joy. And for that, you deserve eternal peace and happiness. Run free, beautiful Xena. Run free.

frankie the cat , hang in there. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You loved her. You gave her the best life possible. May you find strength and consolation from the happy memories you both shared. Our pets, when they leave, will always leave paw-shaped holes in our hearts - never to be the same again. But at least, we have been given this privilege to be a part of their lives, no matter how short or long it is.

 

[Antonio65]

But at least, we have been given this privilege to be a part of their lives, no mater how short or long it is.

And this is a privilege that only few chosen ones can afford and be proud of.

 

[Leomc123]

Frankie the letter to your cat is beautiful and i wish i wrote mine one. I think im gonna start crying now, but trying hard not to cause my eyes will be funny when i go to work tomorrow. Making that decision is the hardest one we will ever make in life, and the way you describe the emotion it is a breathless hurricane, i cant think of any other way to describe it. May every day becomes easier to breath and the emotion calms, cause xena knows your loved her , and she is now in peace and isn't suffering.

 

[di and bob]

The love and the bond that I feel pouring from your post leaves me breathless. This is what love is, this is what all love should be, there is no greater truth than those words- "Because I was your person. You were my cat"..... I cried at the powerful simplicity, the simple truth......
The bond you had with that precious girl is amazing. You gave her such a wonderful gift it is breathtaking. She was homeless and you gave her a home, she was hungry and you gave her food, she was unwanted and unloved and you gave her the world. In return she brought you happiness and joy and a love that will fill your soul for the rest of your life. She will be forever as close as your thoughts and prayers because she is a part of yourself. The best part, the part that knows no sickness, no pain, no grief. Only love and the joy it brings to being alive to receive it and to experience it. She would be the last one to want you so sad, because that is what love is. Live your life as you would want her to live if you were the first to leave. Not in sadness and unending grief, but in joy and the firm belief that she will always be close by to share it with you.
My heart goes out to you, i'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. These first few dark, pain filled days are soul wrenching and hard to comprehend. But with the help of those who understand and knowledge that what you had to do was done out of pure love, you will get through this. It hurts, it leaves a scar that never fades, but in time it will fade enough to live with, and in time you WILL be made whole again. Take care.....RIP beautiful Xena. You left a mark in this person's life and soul, now you blaze a new trail that rivals the new star that is now you in the nighttime sky. You will rest in peace for eternity because you were so very loved. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Frankie the letter to your cat is beautiful and i wish i wrote mine one.

It's never too late. Where they are now, eternity is the blink of an eye.

 

[frankie the cat]

Thank you all ! Today has been very trying for me. It was my first whole day without her. God I miss her...
I want her back. I want to hear her talk to me like she would do. I want to call her name knowing she would come to me. I want to hear that wonderful contented purr as she sits next to me. I want to see her roll on her back in her display of vulnerability and trust.
But I have many memories to carry me through this time of grief. Most make me cry and others make me laugh . She had such a personality. Again thank you all for the kind words. Every thing said has helped me. And for that I am grateful.

 

[Antonio65]

Her beauty shines through the monitor of my PC!

 

[boney girl dad]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Xena is a beautiful girl, now in perfect condition in a perfect place.
Xena is a very special name to you and myself. I understand what it is to lose Xena. My Xena has been gone 27 months as of yesterday. I ache for you and the days ahead, searching for your new normal without Xena. I can tell you that she is with you, alive in your heart. I wish you peace.

 

[catsknowme]

What a beautiful tabbytux - Xena! and a very moving tribute to her. Xena is now with the ancestors and those yet to be born, including her 5 little joys. Thank you soooo very much for easing her passing. I have recently dealt with owners whose cats lingered for almost 2 weeks of being unable to eat or drink, obviously suffering in their quiet, dejected, purring way - all my begging, pleading, explaining, encouraging, listening, comforting done for naught; for those kitties Death came as a Friend, a much better friend than those owners who selfishly hung on despite the terrible cost to the one they refused to allow to go. And, eventually, go the poor cat did, at the end, their suffering pointless.
Again, frankie the cat , bless you for your courage to realize that sometimes True Love is letting go. Your words will encourage your readers to do the right thing - I wish that they were in a forum to be shared on social media.

 

[frankie the cat]

Today makes a month since I laid Xena to rest. And I still miss her every day. I wish my heart would heal but it is so hard for me to get over my loss. Xena was so wonderful...
I dont even know why I am posting. I suppose it is helping me to express my pain to people who understand even if you are strangers to me.
I made Xena a beautiful gravesite that I walk by every day. And each time I speak to her....
And I can still hear her meow to me like she would do. I know it's in my head. I'm not crazy. It is just part of me remembering her. I am so scared that I will forget her little quirks. The things that I treasured. The things that made her stand a part from the rest of my fur babies. I dunno....
I hope someone can reply with a way to help me heal....
I want to stop crying

 

[Antonio65]

Today makes a month since I laid Xena to rest. And I still miss her every day.
[...]
I hope someone can reply with a way to help me heal....
I want to stop crying

In a few days it will make two year since my sweet Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge, and I still miss her every single day, and I cry every single day.
I do hope someone will tell us how to stop crying... I need to know it too!
This pain is unbearable

 

[di and bob]

Time is the only thing that heals a broken heart. Since crying is a way of expressing sorrow and pain, there is nothing to stop it except to eventually replace it with good, happy memories instead of the painful ones. And that takes time. I still cry almost seven years later, it may never stop, but eventually it comes much less often because time is the great healer of all wounds, even a broken heart.
Don't worry about 'forgetting' all the quirks and what made your little one who they were, and all memories you have. You will carry those for the rest of your life. Sometimes you'll think of one you haven't thought of in years, especially when someone says something that sparks a memory, and you think of your little one. It always brings a pang of hurt, and a catch in your chest, but eventually as you speak of your past life more and more, it becomes comforting somehow. I couldn't even say her name without breaking down completely, it hurts.... Write down your memories and what you want to remember in a journal to help in the coming years, that way you will have one less thing to worry about, and it will bring a small measure of comfort to know you have ot recorded for eternity.
I have found that to set a time to reminice, to allow yourself to feel the pain of loss, is a good thing, then concentrate on making your world whole again. On making YOU whole again. The world goes on living, I don't know how, but at times you feel left behind, taht you are all alone and everyone else is leaving you behind. And in a way it is true. This IS something only you are experiencing because it is only YOU who loved so deep and feel that you lost so much. It takes a long time to find your path in life once more. But you will, because you are alive. To be truly alive you have to open that heart again. There will never be a perfect time, a set time to do so,but it is the only way. The love you shared will ALWAYS be there, it is eternal, it is a part of you. Once you realize that, you can use it to bring comfort, it and the healing powers of loving once more. Never in the same way, that can never be, but in a different way, a unique way. Of allowing yourself to join the world of the living, but you have to work towards that. We are not meant to live in the past, but to fully live in the present. To seek what joys and happiness we can, because we are secure in knowing the past will always be there, it is the future we can change for teh better, and love will help make it so.......

 

[frankie the cat]

You guys are so wonderful. Thank you !

 

[danteshuman]

I love that picture of Xena on the leopard print blanket! I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting her story, reading her story allowed me to get to know your prescious kitty a bit. I was left wondering why she was without a tail?

I saw this and it helped me a bit. I hope it can help ease the pain in your heart a little..... even if just for a minute: