That is a lovely cat tree that you bought! I hope she makes good use of it and thoroughly enjoys it 
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In Over My Head
- Thread starter abbybaby
- Start Date
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #42
So I took Abby to my vet today and I was not surprised when, while he can't say with absolute certainty, he thinks she is more likely to be about a year old, rather than two. The assistant and he used the same word to describe her - that she was "busy". The assistant also observed that she was a 'firecracker". This was no doubt due to the confident nature she exhibits - not shrinking back in the carrier, and boldly checking out all the corners of the examination room. As to whether or not she will calm down as she gets older, he can't guarantee that, of course, but at least knowing that she is kitten like in her behaviour because she is not far removed from being a kitten helps. The other thing that was nice is that he sees no signs that she is unhappy, and the assistant actually commented on her interaction with me "I love how she curls her tail around your legs - she's really cool". It helps to know that maybe she's not unhappy, in spite of being in a smaller space than she is probably used to. I'm still not sure that she wouldn't be better off in a situation with more space and a person who is around more. But if she's not unhappy, then maybe the main thing that we both need is more time.
It is just hard to know what's best for us both. She has knocked over candle stick holders (which now no longer have candles in them as they are all broken) she has pulled over plants (so I now know she is not afraid of the vacuum cleaner) and this morning, while barrelling around the room she smashed into a little stand I have, knocking it over and breaking an ornament I've had for a number of years, which was quite upsetting. I didn't kitten proof my home because I didn't think I was getting a kitten, and part of me resents having to disrupt my life by doing so. But I also know that it isn't her fault that she was misrepresented to me. On the rare occasions she sits beside me and goes to sleep pushed up against me (or even on me) I think - maybe this could work. But when I see something smash to the floor and shatter into pieces, I think - "I can't do this".
I thought going to the vet would help me decide, but I find myself as indecisive as ever. Sigh.
I did ask the vet (kiddingly) if there were tranquilizers he could prescribe for this type of thing and if not, if he could prescribe human tranquilizers. He suggested wine. I like my vet.
It is just hard to know what's best for us both. She has knocked over candle stick holders (which now no longer have candles in them as they are all broken) she has pulled over plants (so I now know she is not afraid of the vacuum cleaner) and this morning, while barrelling around the room she smashed into a little stand I have, knocking it over and breaking an ornament I've had for a number of years, which was quite upsetting. I didn't kitten proof my home because I didn't think I was getting a kitten, and part of me resents having to disrupt my life by doing so. But I also know that it isn't her fault that she was misrepresented to me. On the rare occasions she sits beside me and goes to sleep pushed up against me (or even on me) I think - maybe this could work. But when I see something smash to the floor and shatter into pieces, I think - "I can't do this".
I thought going to the vet would help me decide, but I find myself as indecisive as ever. Sigh.
I did ask the vet (kiddingly) if there were tranquilizers he could prescribe for this type of thing and if not, if he could prescribe human tranquilizers. He suggested wine. I like my vet.
It does sound as if you have a nice and also knowledgeable vet, which is wonderful. But, as you say, this doesn't change the situation or help you decide what is best.
My career and educational background is in counseling, so I tend to read between the lines of what people say/write. This is sometimes dangerous, so if I am way off, just ignore me.
What I think I hear/read is you feel some guilt around the idea of finding the cat a different home. She probably isn't the ideal cat for you at this time, but you're having some trouble accepting the idea of either letting her go or adjusting to her needs and keeping her. Long story short, I've been in your shoes several times in my life. The latest was a dog that desperately needed a rehab home. He was a good dog, but had some serious behavioral problems. I kept him for several months, but it became impossible and kept me up at night trying to figure out what to do. Luckily, my small animal vet knew someone who had both the time and skill to provide the dog with what he needed. But it was still a tough decision. In the end, I feel I did the right thing, but it wasn't easy. Here's the one question my vet asked that helped me figure things out: imagine you find this cat another home. You know the placement is good and the new owner will take excellent care of the animal. You do home and a day or two later...what do you feel? Relief that you no longer have to adjust your life style to fit the cat's needs and temperament? Grief because you no longer have the pet? Relief mixed with a bit of sorrow, but the belief you and the cat are both better off? For me, in the case of the dog, the last reaction was mine. As the days passed, I realized just how much the dog was taking out of me and how much better I felt knowing he was where he needed to be and I could now relax. Incidentally, the dog ended up with a forever home perfectly suited to his needs and the new owners were extremely happy with him. When we ignore our own needs or put these needs behind the needs of a pet (or person) we usually suffer.
I very much hope you are able to figure all of this out and decide what is in your best interest as well as the cats. Good luck and please keep us posted.
My career and educational background is in counseling, so I tend to read between the lines of what people say/write. This is sometimes dangerous, so if I am way off, just ignore me.
What I think I hear/read is you feel some guilt around the idea of finding the cat a different home. She probably isn't the ideal cat for you at this time, but you're having some trouble accepting the idea of either letting her go or adjusting to her needs and keeping her. Long story short, I've been in your shoes several times in my life. The latest was a dog that desperately needed a rehab home. He was a good dog, but had some serious behavioral problems. I kept him for several months, but it became impossible and kept me up at night trying to figure out what to do. Luckily, my small animal vet knew someone who had both the time and skill to provide the dog with what he needed. But it was still a tough decision. In the end, I feel I did the right thing, but it wasn't easy. Here's the one question my vet asked that helped me figure things out: imagine you find this cat another home. You know the placement is good and the new owner will take excellent care of the animal. You do home and a day or two later...what do you feel? Relief that you no longer have to adjust your life style to fit the cat's needs and temperament? Grief because you no longer have the pet? Relief mixed with a bit of sorrow, but the belief you and the cat are both better off? For me, in the case of the dog, the last reaction was mine. As the days passed, I realized just how much the dog was taking out of me and how much better I felt knowing he was where he needed to be and I could now relax. Incidentally, the dog ended up with a forever home perfectly suited to his needs and the new owners were extremely happy with him. When we ignore our own needs or put these needs behind the needs of a pet (or person) we usually suffer.
I very much hope you are able to figure all of this out and decide what is in your best interest as well as the cats. Good luck and please keep us posted.
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I also think this is a hard decision because you seem to like the cat a lot. And you have a big heart! I myself have found that if I haven't fully grieved over a previous Rainbow Kitty, it can be really difficult to be "all in" for a new cat. Some of your ambivalence or indecisiveness may not all be about having an active young cat. It may be about grieving over Bailey -- and with time, your heart will mend.
I suppose my advice is to get into a calm space, reread your posts you've written about your new (1-yr-old) kitty here, and search your heart: "Am I all in for this young cat? For the rest of her life? Can I do this? If she is active and a firecracker a lot of her life, can I handle it comfortably, without sacrificing my wants/needs? Am I ready?"
As some have said, it is easier to happily re-home a younger cat than an older one.
Vaccinations are great for this!I did ask the vet (kiddingly) if there were tranquilizers he could prescribe for this type of thing and if not, if he could prescribe human tranquilizers. He suggested wine. I like my vet.
It sounds like Abby's a wonderful adolescent cat -- that curling her tail around your legs sounds cute, and I love having one of our cats sleep up against my feet -- but I also totally understand that you didn't think you were signing up for an adolescent cat. And that things don't always work out. It's not easy to live with a cat you don't really get along with. (I've done it.)
I thought she looked very young to me! I either thought she was young or a "petit sized" adult cat. This, explains many things.. Her energetic level, her behaviour..
I noticed that the assistant at the vet commented on her tail being wrapped around your leg? That means she trusts you. Like, you're "her human".. And curling herself to sleep on your lap, that's indicating pretty much the same thing.. I'm thinking you've already started bonding with each other, which means you have a chance to make this work. She won't always be like this. She is really young to be a lap-cat or a "couch potato" for now..
I think I told you in a previous post, that most animals tend to show their " true colours" at the age of 3 years old.. Up until then, they're being "mauled". By you and by their own characteristics that run into their blood (what they've inhereted in terms of breed, DNA etc).
The fact that the vet examined a happy kitty says so much about you.. Here you were all these previous days, talking about how frustrated you were about her and still you managed to make and keep her happy.. Most of the times, when a "parent" is not happy with their pet, the pet "picks it up" and becomes unhappy as well... You managed to keep Abby protected by sensing your disbelief of things working out. So, In my opinion, you got skills!
I totally respect @MTGAL's point of view as well.. Giving Abby the opportunity of finding a better home than the one you feel you are providing for her now, doesn't make you "evil".. I will disagree with this though:
Finding a more suitable home and letting go of OUR sense of guilt, or OUR sense of failure, IS actually putting the pet's needs first. And if the pet ends up to a more suitable home, it is better for both us and the pet.
Of course we need to take our needs into account, but "needs" in terms of "what suits our lifestyle and personality". I am just trying to distinquish this from people who adopt/buy a pet according to their "needs" and they end up either dumping it or maltreating it.
I am sure you've put overtime in thinking what to do or where to go from here, @AbbyBaby.. I can see why the visit to the vet made you even more confused..
If your perception is that you are not providing her with a suitable home, then yes, you should find her what she needs and doesn't get from you.. So, if you rehome her and you are absolutely sure that the next home will be better than yours, then you will feel content with what you do..
On the other hand, how sure can you be? What happens if the next home isn't what she really needed? How calm and content will you be? Will it be worth it? I'm thinking that, if you two couldn't get along, she wouldn't show signs of trust and affection. And it seems to me that you've shown a lot of love and affection towards her.. That doesn't come out of thin air.
In my opinion, cats don't need "large spaces". They need stimuli in the space they perceive as their home. Stimuli that'll keep them busy and help them unleash their energy. Of course, decorative ornaments might become their victims, if not protected properly
As @MTGAL wisely put it: visualise yourself and your feelings after Abby's gone away from you for good.. Will you be relieved? Or will you ubereably miss her?
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #47
Thanks all for your input, advice and support. Yes, my vet is great. It's funny, I never saw much of him over the years as I would take Bailey in for check ups on Saturdays and would see the other vet. But when things worsened with Bailey I had to take her in at other times and so saw a lot more of him. This has continued because the vet who is usually there on Saturdays is off on maternity leave. He was really wonderful during all the stuff with Bailey and communicated with me by email and phone calls as well, particularly about test results and when I had questions about symptoms, what she was (or wasn't) eating etc. I liked the other vet too, but over the last few months with Bailey, I really came to respect and trust him.
That's why I was waiting for him to see her - I trust his opinion. When he says he doesn't see an unhappy cat, I put a lot of stock in that. To address some of the recent comments - it may be that guilt is a factor in not wanting to give up on this situation - I didn't ask enough questions, I might have needed to wait longer etc. I created the situation, I should deal with it, that kind of thing. But part of the issue is that I do suffer from occasional bouts of depression. I was in the beginnings of one before Bailey got sick, then dealt with all that, now this, plus work being stressful, issues with my mom etc. Because there is a tendency to feel worthless when in this state, every time Abby reacted in frustration when I restricted her from something - like keeping her out of the bathroom so I can actually, um, you know, sit on the seat etc., it felt like the reaction of an unhappy cat. In actual fact, it is more likely the reaction of a teenager having a tantrum because she can't get what she wants. Understanding this helps quite a bit.
So much of this for me is about perspective. I could not possibly make the right decision yesterday, when I was frustrated by the damage, tired from the lack of sleep (because I am trying letting her sleep with me again) etc. As advised, I went back and re-read my previous posts and it seems to me that my greatest concern all along has been about her being happy. Can she be happy when I work all day and she doesn't have a lot of space? In my state of mind, feeling not very worthy etc., I could only answer "no" and that she would be better off somewhere else. To disrupt her life again was guilt inducing, to be sure, but I would have dealt with that, thinking she was better off without me.
But would she really be better off? Not to be critical of the organization I used, I know they are overrun with kittens right now and short on foster homes, but if they basically handed her over to me without checking out my home etc. they could do that again, and maybe her next situation wouldn't be any better. It could even be worse. Bailey was actually quite playful, but she didn't mind being on her own and seemed fine with the amount of space she had. I don't see why Abby can't adapt to being that way as well, especially now that I know she isn't two. When I thought that was a possibility, I thought she might be pretty set in her ways. But if she is more likely a one year old, she can adapt and if she can adapt, she can be happy. I don't expect Abby to stop being "busy" as she matures and actually I wouldn't want her personality to change. But knowing she is essentially a "teenager" helps. It is reasonable to expect that as she gets used to the boundaries that are being set the tantrums and whining will subside. They will probably never go away, but perhaps will be a little less constant. Now that I have a better idea what I am dealing with, it is time for me to adapt as well. It's not like Bailey was perfect - she chewed on stuff (paper was a favourite target) knocked things over and cried for attention at times when I was busy. She also got the night time crazies - just not every night and wasn't quite so intense. So in many ways, the behaviours aren't all that different, just the degree of the behaviours. And Bailey had been taught boundaries, which Abby hasn't, but she's learning.
It may still be a rocky road for awhile, but as long as I believe it will get better, I can deal. It was only when I thought this might be how it will always be that I was beside myself. So would it be a relief if I sent her away? Perhaps, in the short turn, but then the lonely, empty feeling would return. And I would always wonder if she really was better off. So I am definitely going to give it more time. Oh and I will have to remember to stop by the wine store - I have a "prescription"
That's why I was waiting for him to see her - I trust his opinion. When he says he doesn't see an unhappy cat, I put a lot of stock in that. To address some of the recent comments - it may be that guilt is a factor in not wanting to give up on this situation - I didn't ask enough questions, I might have needed to wait longer etc. I created the situation, I should deal with it, that kind of thing. But part of the issue is that I do suffer from occasional bouts of depression. I was in the beginnings of one before Bailey got sick, then dealt with all that, now this, plus work being stressful, issues with my mom etc. Because there is a tendency to feel worthless when in this state, every time Abby reacted in frustration when I restricted her from something - like keeping her out of the bathroom so I can actually, um, you know, sit on the seat etc., it felt like the reaction of an unhappy cat. In actual fact, it is more likely the reaction of a teenager having a tantrum because she can't get what she wants. Understanding this helps quite a bit.
So much of this for me is about perspective. I could not possibly make the right decision yesterday, when I was frustrated by the damage, tired from the lack of sleep (because I am trying letting her sleep with me again) etc. As advised, I went back and re-read my previous posts and it seems to me that my greatest concern all along has been about her being happy. Can she be happy when I work all day and she doesn't have a lot of space? In my state of mind, feeling not very worthy etc., I could only answer "no" and that she would be better off somewhere else. To disrupt her life again was guilt inducing, to be sure, but I would have dealt with that, thinking she was better off without me.
But would she really be better off? Not to be critical of the organization I used, I know they are overrun with kittens right now and short on foster homes, but if they basically handed her over to me without checking out my home etc. they could do that again, and maybe her next situation wouldn't be any better. It could even be worse. Bailey was actually quite playful, but she didn't mind being on her own and seemed fine with the amount of space she had. I don't see why Abby can't adapt to being that way as well, especially now that I know she isn't two. When I thought that was a possibility, I thought she might be pretty set in her ways. But if she is more likely a one year old, she can adapt and if she can adapt, she can be happy. I don't expect Abby to stop being "busy" as she matures and actually I wouldn't want her personality to change. But knowing she is essentially a "teenager" helps. It is reasonable to expect that as she gets used to the boundaries that are being set the tantrums and whining will subside. They will probably never go away, but perhaps will be a little less constant. Now that I have a better idea what I am dealing with, it is time for me to adapt as well. It's not like Bailey was perfect - she chewed on stuff (paper was a favourite target) knocked things over and cried for attention at times when I was busy. She also got the night time crazies - just not every night and wasn't quite so intense. So in many ways, the behaviours aren't all that different, just the degree of the behaviours. And Bailey had been taught boundaries, which Abby hasn't, but she's learning.
It may still be a rocky road for awhile, but as long as I believe it will get better, I can deal. It was only when I thought this might be how it will always be that I was beside myself. So would it be a relief if I sent her away? Perhaps, in the short turn, but then the lonely, empty feeling would return. And I would always wonder if she really was better off. So I am definitely going to give it more time. Oh and I will have to remember to stop by the wine store - I have a "prescription"
Ah, this is good news!
I think, that opening a bottle of wine (prescribed or not
) is suitable for the occasion
When you finalize your decision, have your vet prescribe you with a bottle of champagne
I believe that Abby has chosen you already.. Heck.. Our pets choose us actually, everytime.. I'll never stop saying that. Maybe time will show that the organization made a beautiful mistake. Who knows?
Since she shows signs of being open and willing to learn what you are trying to teach, that is very promising.
My Grizzly is no walk in the park.. If you read my thread, you'll get what I am saying. But my situation is different from yours.. I didn't "choose" to get a cat back when I took him in.. It just happened. And he wasn't an adolescent (he is now) - he was 15 days old.. I bonded with him even before adopting him. So, there was no chance I would think to rehome him when he started acting out, or when my incident happened.
But you..? You took more "scheduled" steps into adopting Abby.. You were determined to fill a void in your heart. You were ready. What threw you off, was Abby's behaviour which is now proven to be caused mainly by her age. So, it's understandable you'd have 2nd thoughts. It's like you walk into a restaurant, with a table already booked under your name, you order what you usually order and they bring you something different. Not better. Not worse. Just different. So you're like "this isn't what I ordered!" and you have every right to make that observation! That's why I was telling you that, you shouldn't feel guilty to 2nd guess this whole situation..
From where I stand, Abby's soul is open and ready to pair with yours. She already trusts you and is happy with the same things you feel inadequate. Which means, she may need less than you think to keep her happy and into your life..
I am really touched by your efforts and your commitment to try anything possible, in order to make the right and final decision.. Most people would've backed out.. I truly admire your patience.
Which ever your final decision will be, everything will fall into place. You'll see. You'll just have to trust yourself and Abby's instinct
I think, that opening a bottle of wine (prescribed or not
I believe that Abby has chosen you already.. Heck.. Our pets choose us actually, everytime.. I'll never stop saying that. Maybe time will show that the organization made a beautiful mistake. Who knows?
Since she shows signs of being open and willing to learn what you are trying to teach, that is very promising.
My Grizzly is no walk in the park.. If you read my thread, you'll get what I am saying. But my situation is different from yours.. I didn't "choose" to get a cat back when I took him in.. It just happened. And he wasn't an adolescent (he is now) - he was 15 days old.. I bonded with him even before adopting him. So, there was no chance I would think to rehome him when he started acting out, or when my incident happened.
But you..? You took more "scheduled" steps into adopting Abby.. You were determined to fill a void in your heart. You were ready. What threw you off, was Abby's behaviour which is now proven to be caused mainly by her age. So, it's understandable you'd have 2nd thoughts. It's like you walk into a restaurant, with a table already booked under your name, you order what you usually order and they bring you something different. Not better. Not worse. Just different. So you're like "this isn't what I ordered!" and you have every right to make that observation! That's why I was telling you that, you shouldn't feel guilty to 2nd guess this whole situation..
From where I stand, Abby's soul is open and ready to pair with yours. She already trusts you and is happy with the same things you feel inadequate. Which means, she may need less than you think to keep her happy and into your life..
I am really touched by your efforts and your commitment to try anything possible, in order to make the right and final decision.. Most people would've backed out.. I truly admire your patience.
Which ever your final decision will be, everything will fall into place. You'll see. You'll just have to trust yourself and Abby's instinct
Over the years I've come to believe we -- meaning humans -- are the ones who worry and suffer while our pets simply live and adjust. As I've said a couple of times, I've had loads of animals of all types throughout my life. With every new pet comes a period of adjustment and questioning. Am I right for this animal? Is the animal happy? Is ____(Whatever the issue of the moment) fair for the animal? UGH! I once owned a Newfoundland dog. He was a wonderful dog, very healthy and well behaved, but hey the breed is huge. I knew quite a bit about the breed because, in high school I worked for a very good breeder. Anyway, the dog was about two years old when I was forced to move from a nice size apartment to a tiny apartment with very little room. I was working two jobs and feeling the strain. I knew no one in the area where I was living and was far from friends and family. Every morning, as I left for work my heart bled because my dog would be alone all day. There was almost no room for him to move around and even though a nice neighbor kid came over after school to walk my dog, there was little time for real exercise. The guilt was overwhelming! I was convinced the dog was terribly unhappy and thought about sending him to the breeder. Then I went to a new vet for a normal checkup. He admired my dog, talked about how healthy and happy he appeared and complimented me on his manners. I shared my concerns with him and he helped me see that the dog was adjusting, I was the one with the problem. This really helped me. We stayed in that tiny space for a year and finally found a much better place. But throughout it all, the dog was happy because I learned to relax.
Today I live on our farm and have a nice house. My dogs work during the day and also have plenty of play time. My indoor cats have loads of room to play and each other for company. I work from home most days so someone is always around for belly rubs. But I'm still subject to worry about the animals happiness. I found this site because I was looking for insight on my latest cat. She's taken to "singing" at night and it was bugging me. I was convinced there was some deep meaning in her noise making. I thought she might be scared/lonely/sick, whatever. She has full run of the house along with the other animals and could sleep in the bedroom, but won't. So I fretted and worried and lost sleep. I know she isn't sick because she saw the vet recently. I also know she isn't hungry or thirsty because there is always food in her dish in the morning and there are water dishes everywhere, plus a running water fountain just for the cats. After getting some great input from folks here, I finally started thinking clearer. She's not unhappy, not scared, not hungry or sick and isn't in trouble. So why does she like to sing? Who knows! She's a cat and a part Siamese at that. Maybe she just likes to sing. I decided to just accept her singing as a personality quirk. Now it is just so much background noise that sometimes interrupts my sleep for a few minutes. It's probably similar for you with Abby. You may feel much better now that you know she is not unhappy or unhealthy. Whatever your ultimate decision, as long as you can be honest with yourself, you and Abby will be fine.
Today I live on our farm and have a nice house. My dogs work during the day and also have plenty of play time. My indoor cats have loads of room to play and each other for company. I work from home most days so someone is always around for belly rubs. But I'm still subject to worry about the animals happiness. I found this site because I was looking for insight on my latest cat. She's taken to "singing" at night and it was bugging me. I was convinced there was some deep meaning in her noise making. I thought she might be scared/lonely/sick, whatever. She has full run of the house along with the other animals and could sleep in the bedroom, but won't. So I fretted and worried and lost sleep. I know she isn't sick because she saw the vet recently. I also know she isn't hungry or thirsty because there is always food in her dish in the morning and there are water dishes everywhere, plus a running water fountain just for the cats. After getting some great input from folks here, I finally started thinking clearer. She's not unhappy, not scared, not hungry or sick and isn't in trouble. So why does she like to sing? Who knows! She's a cat and a part Siamese at that. Maybe she just likes to sing. I decided to just accept her singing as a personality quirk. Now it is just so much background noise that sometimes interrupts my sleep for a few minutes. It's probably similar for you with Abby. You may feel much better now that you know she is not unhappy or unhealthy. Whatever your ultimate decision, as long as you can be honest with yourself, you and Abby will be fine.
