I'm sorry

[lillekat]

Sweetie, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for

this is precisely what this site excells at - being there for people who just need someone....anyone. To be honest, I'm thinking that your heart racing and the chest pain might be in conjunction with your grieving, some sort of anxiety in connection with the very deep emotions that you are experiencing right now. I get a tight chest and a fluttery feeling when I'm very very deeply upset too, but I have no heart problem. Usually I can get by it by sitting back and taking a few really deep breaths - in for a count of five, out for a count of five - until I feel it going again. It's the only time I experience this though. I agree with Kaylacat, there should be somewhere that you can go to help you while your budget is so strapped

Just keep in mind, no matter how dark things are, there's always someone with a lantern

 

[carwashcats]

People are cold! You just lost your dad! What do they expect? You aren't going to be down? That is ludicrist! Listen when we lost Marvin, I dealt with my grief, and also my six yr old sons! We went through the stages at totally different times, he stayed mad for about a yr. not me, I wasn't mad, after the 4 month of shock finally wore off of me, here it came down on me!
Anyway, we went to group meeting for support 2 yrs after his death. My son needed it and so they happened to have a class for adult at the same time, so I joined it! I was in there with others and one of the first questions they asked us was how long since the death of your love one? Everyone there was saying 2 weeks, 6 weeks, came around to me and I said, "2 yrs

" I know they all thought I was crazy, but it helped me, so much, even though I was still so distaught after 2 yrs.! So babydoll, you
take however long it takes you! It reminds me of when it was almost a yr. of his death, I decided to go back to beauty school to get my instructors liscense! I thought I wanted to teach it

and the instructor there told me a couple of times, "honey, you need to get over it and get on with
your life!"(because I was upset over Marvin) that hurt my feelings so bad! oh and I did get the hrs. I needed to go take my board, but I didn't realize it at the time, but whenever I sat down to study for it I couldn't remember anything, I was in the middle of grief, so
needless to say, I didn't ever go and get my liscense. Also one day I was suppose to go to the school and practice my finger waves.

My instructor said, "you are suppose to be working on your finger waves today!"
and I said, "You can't make me!" she said, "what I'm I going to do with you?"
I said. "You can't do anything with me!" and she said "you are going to have to teach them" well that made my mind up right then, I knew then I wasn't cut out to teach it! teaching all the old stuff, boring! I thought Yuck!!! Maybe I need to be the one that tries to change our state board examines!??
anyway, whomever said that to you, bless their heart! they don't have a
flippin clue! and just when you think your retarded, come back to my post and read it! I have not been able to remember anything since then! It's weird what it does to ya!
Take your time, we all love ya and care very much!! Don't forget that!!
I know one thing, I had never felt the hurt I felt during that time! It is undescripable! I will be praying for you!!!

Monique

oh and if you don't have insurance, and you start feeling bad you can always go to the ER, they can't turn you away!!! but I would go wherever someone else on here told you to go in Plano!!!
Take care and hold on sweet!!!

 

[mews2much]

You can Pm me if you need to talk. I lost my Mom on Sept 13th 1999. Do not be sorry for anything you posted. My Dad still calls here Crying sometimes. When I got Married I had my Moms wedding Pic on a Table and we did a Tribute to her. Holidays and Bdays are bad still. My Dad is still on Depression Meds. Its alright to feel Sad. I felt cheated when my Mom died.

 

[jcat]

Carol, you need to grieve and "not be yourself" for a period of time. Your father has been a part of your life since you were born, and he'll continue to be, although he's no longer physically present. All the different things you experienced with him are right there inside you, all the memories and influences and shared likes and dislikes.

We all have to grieve in our own way, and at our own pace, and your loss is still so recent. I'm not at all surprised that you're experiencing some physical symptoms of anxiety, or that you need to talk about your father and your feelings. Sorting out your feelings by talking about them is a far better way of coping with death than just suppressing them, because then they just come back to "bite" you at a later date.

Don't pay any attention to people telling you that you need more anti-depressants or should "just get over it", as they've either never lost a close family member or friend, or don't want to be reminded that such a loss is inevitable, and are acting out of fear.

Many, many

 

[theimp98]

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

I'm afraid my behavior may seem inappropriate since my father's death... I've been so far down, and I've tried so hard to find a way back up, and I was getting there, I was so excited about the Michael Buble concert tomorrow night... and today I went to the North Texas Irish Festival by myself for the first time -- it was something Papa and I always did together, so it was very intense, but it felt so right, to sing along with all those songs he loved... but some people don't get it, when I get emotional, they complain that I must not be taking enough antidepressants and they'll be glad when I get over it. I can't talk to them, and I've worn out my best friend, I just can't lay any more of this on him, he has troubles of his own... and I can't calm down, my heart races and my chest hurts, but I don't have insurance, so I can't even afford to go make sure I'm not having a heart attack...so what I'm saying is that I know I'm a mess, and if my posts lately have been bizarre, I hope you'll understand and forgive.

err, what. ? Life goes on. Live you life and be happy. There is not a day that i do not miss my mother. But you can not stop living. Go see your shows, and go to Festivals. The relif of stress is what you also need.

Happy pills are not the answer(very seldom are they ever), you going to have happy days, and sad days, and sudden feelings of being sad, anger etc. All of those are normal.

they say it takes at least a year to get over the death of a loved one. They lied, you never forget, you just deal with it better.

so you see there is nothing to forgive here.
take all the time you need.

 

[eilcon]

You have nothing to apologize for. Everyone grieves in the their own way and there's no timetable. You need to do deal with your father's loss in the way that's best for you, not based on what others think. Ignore them, and take care of yourself. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

 

[katachtig]

Carol - you are a very valued person here.

You've helped so many with your caring posts. Allow us to help you through it. The pain is still raw and allow yourself to feel it. Upping anti-depressants when you have true and real pain is only going to cause the pain to come out later.

Our society has come up with the idea that everyone should be happy all of the time. But being human means a lot of other emotions come with the package. Denying those emotions are conducive to too many other problems.

If you want, feel free to PM me and tell me how you are.

Jana

 

[trouts mom]

Oh Carol

How else are you supposed to feel? You should never apologize for having grief hun

We are here for you..and I don't think you have been acting in any way that would offend any member here.

 

[lillekat]

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Oh Carol

How else are you supposed to feel? You should never apologize for having grief hun

We are here for you..and I don't think you have been acting in any way that would offend any member here.

we're a pretty hard bunch to offend

 

[cheshirecat]

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Oh Carol

How else are you supposed to feel? You should never apologize for having grief hun

We are here for you..and I don't think you have been acting in any way that would offend any member here.

I agree.

I'm not around that much so if you have been off I missed it. Either way there is no need to apologize to me.

Everybody handles things in their own way. Hang it there and you will find your way to what is good for you.

 

[carolpetunia]

I'm okay now -- and I'm sorry again, for worrying you. When I posted last night, I was pretty much out of my mind. I guess I was afraid some of you might be thinking the same things that certain people here have been saying...I felt compelled to just throw out a blanket apology to the world at large, and the post was part of that.

Just a few minutes after I posted, my phone rang. It was Pookie-Poo, who had my phone number -- I can't remember why, but I'm glad she did -- and we talked for over two hours. She made me believe that I was not so much at fault as I felt, and she also led me around to some good solid ideas for what might be going on and how I might be able to handle things better. It can't have been a pleasant way for her to spend her evening, but by golly, she was there for me.

And late last night, I came back here thinking I would delete my post... but I saw this outpouring of care and kindness and wisdom and practical help, and I was just overwhelmed... I couldn't respond right then. But I want to now:

Brandi, thank you so much for your PM -- I read it last night, and it's so sweet.

Taterbug, yes, I'm so glad I went to the festival. It was no hardship at all, because the particular artists my father loved are just wonderful, and I genuinely love them too. Our favorite, Ed Miller (songsofscotland.com), has become a friend, and he was going to come play a house concert for my father when he got so sick... but Papa just went so fast, it never happened. But Ed did all my father's favorites yesterday, and afterward, he hugged me and said, "Your papa was listening, I could almost see him beside you." So even though I cried the whole time, it was very healing for me... the hurting part came later, when I tried to tell someone about it, which was a mistake.

Hurdyburdy, thank you... that's very good to hear.

Natalie_ca, you're so right, I did need to talk to someone (thank goodness for Pookie), and I'm sure I will again. Your post reminds me that the hospice people who helped take care of my father also provide ongoing grief counseling for the families of their patients -- I hadn't thought of that. It might be that their counselor would have some helpful insight. I will call them tomorrow. Thank you!

Lunasmom, yes, I think celebrating my father's life is going to be the key for me internally -- especially music, which was something he and I always shared. I remember when I was a kid, I would put a songbook on the piano and my father would grab his guitar and stand with one foot on the piano bench, and we would plow through all sorts of music. One of our best numbers, believe it or not, was the Beatles' "Well, she was just seventeen / You know what I mean..."

Nobody else understood our silliness, but we had a lot of fun.

Kaylacat, I think you're right about the anxiety attacks -- amazing how I can recognize those symptoms when others talk about them, but can't see them in myself. We do have some Xanax in the house... Mom and I both took it during the first two weeks after Papa passed. If I have another attack this bad, I will take some. Thank you for that reminder.

Babyharley and KittenKrazy, bless your hearts -- right back atcha.

Sandtigress, thank you... you and others here have proven that time and again.

Worriedmommy, your prayers are so deeply appreciated. Thank you so much.

Msjazz2u, yes, we all have these times, it's true... but most people seem to be better at handling them than I am. I'm sorry to need so much support, but gosh, I'm so grateful for it!

Beck4582, yes, I'm sure now that Papa was with me in spirit at the festival. That was one of the gifts Pookie-Poo gave me last night when we talked -- I had felt that I'd had a little sign from Papa at the festival, but when I tried to tell someone about it, I was ridiculed, and I lost my faith in it, y'know? But Pookie listened and understood and assured me that it sure sounded like a sign to her... so I feel like I have that gift back now.

Thezookeeper, I'm so sorry about your grandma. And I so understand -- it was difficult caring for my father, too, and he also had Alzheimer's (midstage). It took all my energy, all my emotional capacity, everything I had to take care of him -- and just like you, I wish so hard that I could still be doing it. Thank you so much for that link, it looks like a lovely place... and especially for that quote about grief being the price of love. That's as true as anything I know.

Pat & Alix, thank you for your supportiveness. You're right, this has been complicated a bit by the surgery and its aftermath... I've been having all sorts of pains, and I don't know whether they're from the surgery or from the emotional distress. But I'm seeing my surgeon for my first "fill" on Tuesday (tightening the band to create more restriction), and I'll ask him about everything then.

Sharky, thank you... it's so good of you to be comforting me when you're dealing with a loss of your own.

Mom of 4, that's amazing -- I live here, and I didn't know about that! Thank you so much for your ingenuity... I will go and see them if these attacks continue. I hope to get a job again in the next several weeks, but even if I'm able to get insurance, it won't be for months yet... so it's wonderful to know about that resource. Thank you!

Luvmycat, thank you...

to you too.

Cococat, such a lovely thing to say... thank you, hon. That means a lot to me.

Greycat2, thank you, hon... your vibes are much appreciated.

Lillekat, thank you for reminding me to breathe! You're so right about the effect of deep breathing... I forget, in the midst of crisis. And bless you for being one of those good people with a lantern.

Carwashcats, you've been through so much -- thank you for sharing that experience. I'm so glad you and your little guy got some help. And I know what you mean about memory -- mine has been completely shot since this happened. You hang in there, too.

Mews2much, bless your dad's heart, and yours. I'm sorry it still hurts so much.

Jcat, thank you for your insights... and for reminding me that all those experiences are still with me. Papa used to say "Nobody is really dead as long as there's someone who remembers," and now I understand why that was such an important idea for him... he was keeping his own lost loved ones alive by remembering and talking about them. I will always do the same for him, as long as I can find someone who'll listen.

Theimp98, thank you... especially for acknowledging the anger. Anger is a hard thing to feel on top of sorrow, and I think it's what took me down last night -- anger that Papa is gone, and anger that some of the people who ought to understand best won't try to understand at all. Thank you so much.

Eilcon, yes, I guess we all grieve a little differently, and that's where verything went wrong last night. It would be so nice if those of us who have shared a loss could help each other, but if we're not on the same page, it just can't happen. Thank you for that thought.

Katachtig, thank you so much. I do believe there's vital role for antidepressants to play in some people's lives, but not as a way to gloss over legitimate emotions -- only as a way to survive and cope better. I believe I'm basically coping in a reasonable way... but every time I get emotional, that angry accusation is thrown at me, that I'm behaving abnormally and need my antidepressants. Well... both may be true, I don't know... but neither helps in the moment. Thank you for understanding.

Trouts mom, thank you, that's so sweet of you.

CheshireCat, I think that's true... and I do feel like I'm on the right track within myself. It's just when I try to talk with others, certain others in my "real" life... it's sad to say, but I think I need to just keep this to myself, and you guys.

I've had so much to thank you all for lately... I wish I could find new and better ways of saying it, but all I can say is that I love you all. Thank you for being here. This is such a special place.

 

[norachelhere]

please dont apologize for greiving. It is something we are supposed to do and everyone does it differently. You know we are always here to help you make sense of it.

 

[calico2222]

Honey, I'm so glad you were able to talk to someone and feel better now. Don't ever feel like you have to apologize to us. As you could tell from the posts, a lot of us have lost someone close so we know what you are going through and know its a roller coaster.

After my mom died, I honestly didn't know who I was. I spent 1 1/2 years caring for her full time, and after she passed I was lost. It took me 2 months to actually call and have her hospital bed taken out of the dinning room, and it was over a year before I could bring myself to start cleaning out the house and put it up for sale. I also was extremely anti-social after her death...I didn't want to do anything. My then boyfriend, now husband, didn't understand at the time. We would go out and I would have panic attacks (sounds like what you are having) where my heart pounded, I had problems breathing, and just felt claustrophobic. Normally, I would end up in tears for no apparent reason....except I was still grieving. When his father died suddenly of a heart attack the next year, he finally understood my need to be alone and need for space. He had major anxiety attacks and started taking Xanax. They really helped him by taking the edge off (before he started taking them, he punched a wall and broke his hand....to give you an idea of how bad he was).

Basically, there is no time frame for grieving. It's not like you broke your leg and it should be healed in 6-8 wks. That is what some people think it should be like, but those people have never gone through it. It actually sounds like you are dealing with things pretty well, believe it or not. Your whole life has to be readjusted and that isn't easy and it definitely doesn't happen overnight.

If you ever need to talk, vent, cry...you know we are all here and love you.

 

[KittenKrazy]

Originally Posted by calico2222

If you ever need to talk, vent, cry...you know we are all here and love you.

You know. thats one of the great things about this forum, is like a large, extended, caring family.

 

[duchess15]

Oh Carol....

Please don't ever apologize for how you feel. I know that everything you are feeling, I already do, but it will only intensify when they are gone.

It's only a matter of time. Sometimes things happen in life that you just don't ever plan for and it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Then there is the phase of denial and anger and sadness.

How do you move on? Do you live in grief and sorrow? Or do you go on living like your dad would have wanted you to?

Your dad was very blessed to have you and your family. Don't ever feel guilty for doing something for you. You did all you possibly could have and he couldn't have asked for more.

You are going to have these raw emotions for some time. You will never forget but as time goes on, you will be able to remember the good times. Go and do some of the things your dad liked to do with your mom.

You can always PM me if you need someone.

P.S. Enjoy your concert tonight!!!

 

[gemlady]

Rainbows and chocolate make great anti-depressants.

 

[catnip]

I agree with everyone, NEVER apologise for feeling low. We all go through our bad patches and getting ourselves back up again is what makes us stronger.

You know you have plenty of people to talk to here

 

[tari]

Carol, I missed your post earlier, but I'm so glad to see you're feeling somewhat better now.

The healing process will take time, and you have nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry your friend isn't being particularly supportive, but you have other venues for that, including us. I hope that you do call the Hospice people about their grief support as well. My MIL and SIL did that after my FIL died, and it was very helpful for them.

 

[rapunzel47]

Carol, dear, please don't apologize for having perfectly normal human feelings.

As a very special, very wise friend once said, "It takes as long as it takes" -- it applies to many situations, but none more than grieving. You know we're here for you and understand that you will have "fragile" times.

 

[kittkatt]

Originally Posted by Thezookeeper

"Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the price of love."

That's just so beautiful, and so true.

Carol, you don't need to apologize for your grief: every one of us have been there, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You loved your Papa very much, and you've suffered a big loss. You are only human..

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time in your grief & loss..

~KK~