I think my boyfriend abused my cat while I was away. Need opinions

[kat013]

I flat out asked my BF if he kicked Copper.  He said no.  He said he's always told me if he's stepped on his tail or paw by accident, which he has done.  However, he was very unconvincing and unusually calm for being accused of animal cruelty. 

Glad the dude walked away without drama.  Second the advice to change your locks - this guy is not trustworthy and he may have swiped one of your spare keys at some point and made a copy, if you didn't give him a copy outright.  

Most people exhibit an outrage response if someone suggests to them that they have done violence against another entity.  The fact that 1) he was calm and 2) you said he was unconvincing, combined with the fact that he actually left the relationship, really points to him having done it.

I'm currently dating a guy (have been for 3.5 years) who is mildly allergic to cats.  He's incredibly nice and will voluntarily interact with my cats.  If we were to move in together I'd have to keep the cats in one of the rooms and maybe build an enclosure in the yard outside the window, so they'd have space, but it could be done.  "Allergic to cats" isn't the trait to keep an eye and an ear out for in new partners.  It's whatever personality traits your ex displayed in the 7 months that you knew him.  Think back with that 20/20 hindsight, and you might start to notice little telltales that indicated he would be abusive - word choice, reaction or lack thereof in situations that call for empathy, overly affected or flat affect, whatever.  Even if you didn't consciously notice them, your subconscious did, so trust your gut feelings around partners in the future.  Even if you can't articulate something that seems 'off' about a guy, if it's 'just a feeling' - trust it.  Trust yourself.  Glad you and Copper are okay.  Good luck in the future!

 

[bad cat chris]

Weather your boyfriend is guilty or not, the fact that you don't trust him is reason enough to lose him.

 

[aeker1988]

The point is that even if he did get annoyed with Copper and "nudged" him out of the way it is just an indication of how he will behave to you and others around you when he gets "frustrated".

Also, him being allergic to cats is not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship - he should just down a zyrtec and get over it!

You shouldn't have to give up  the  things/people/animals you love that were there BEFORE he showed up to keep the relationship going - you shouldn't have to PICK.

So well done with the break-up!

 

[kat013]

Also, him being allergic to cats is not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship - he should just down a zyrtec and get over it!

If allergies were that easy to deal with, there wouldn't be doctors whose specialty is allergies, there wouldn't be allergy immunotherapy (allergy shots, which are rather expensive), and people wouldn't be avoiding pets because of them.

There's a friend of mine who is allergic to cats.  Even if I were to vacuum my entire place (carpets and furniture) 24 hours ahead of time, and then constantly run the HVAC fan with a brand-new high-dollar filter installed, and lock the cats in one of the bedrooms also starting in advance, AND he takes an antihistamine, he's got 2-3 hours max in my living room before his eyes get red, puffy, swell up a bit, and water constantly, and his nose waters constantly and he's very congested.  We've tried it.  

Think back to the last time you had a nasty cold or sinus infection.  Now imagine that's going on constantly, and there is no medication that will bring you relief.

Now imagine someone has just told you, "Oh, get over it!"  

 

[dejolane]

Good for you. You stood up for you and your cat. Does he know what everybody here is saying about him ? Glad u got rid of him.

dejolane

 

[otto]

If allergies were that easy to deal with, there wouldn't be doctors whose specialty is allergies, there wouldn't be allergy immunotherapy (allergy shots, which are rather expensive), and people wouldn't be avoiding pets because of them.

There's a friend of mine who is allergic to cats.  Even if I were to vacuum my entire place (carpets and furniture) 24 hours ahead of time, and then constantly run the HVAC fan with a brand-new high-dollar filter installed, and lock the cats in one of the bedrooms also starting in advance, AND he takes an antihistamine, he's got 2-3 hours max in my living room before his eyes get red, puffy, swell up a bit, and water constantly, and his nose waters constantly and he's very congested.  We've tried it.  

Think back to the last time you had a nasty cold or sinus infection.  Now imagine that's going on constantly, and there is no medication that will bring you relief.
Now imagine someone has just told you, "Oh, get over it!"  

This does not excuse kicking or otherwise injuring an animal. Thank goodness Cooper didn't suffer anything more severe, but it was bad enough. I can't even imagine how terrible I would feel if I discovered I'd let someone in my life who had then hurt my cats. They trust us to keep them safe. We are all they have.

 

[kat013]

This does not excuse kicking or otherwise injuring an animal. 

Of course not, and I never ever meant to imply that it did!  

What I am speaking out against are the "Oh, they're allergic to cats?  Never ever date them!" attitude; and the "Oh, they're allergic to cats?  Tell them to take an antihistamine and get over it!" attitude, as general ideas, completely separately of this specific boyfriend's actions (I doubt him being allergic had little if anything to do with the fact that he was physically abusive - normal people don't assault a person if they suspect that that person has given them a cold, for example).  Those are both bad generalizations that do not serve us as cat owners well in the long run.  

Likewise, the generalization that "if one dates someone allergic to one's pets, then one eventually *must* choose between them."  That is not true.  There is a friend of mine with a cat and an allergic boyfriend.  The boyfriend offered to get allergy shots for a year or so before he moved in with her.  Shots aren't cheap and they take a long time, but if you both truly love each other, then you do have options.  See also my mention above of possibly living with my boyfriend, and confining the cats to 1-2 rooms of the house plus a large outdoor enclosure.

Conversely, I used to live with a boyfriend who had cats of his own.  He was nice to all of our cats.  He turned out to be emotionally manipulative and abusive.  So clearly, the reverse one of the above generalizations, "they are always dateable if they are not allergic and doubly so if they actually have cats and don't abuse them," is not true.

Some blanket statements, like "people who abuse animals are people you absolutely don't want in your life," are cut-and dried.  There's no grey area there.  Other blanket statements - it's not so simple.

 

[duckdodgers]

Of course not, and I never ever meant to imply that it did!  

What I am speaking out against are the "Oh, they're allergic to cats?  Never ever date them!" attitude; and the "Oh, they're allergic to cats?  Tell them to take an antihistamine and get over it!" attitude, as general ideas, completely separately of this specific boyfriend's actions (I doubt him being allergic had little if anything to do with the fact that he was physically abusive - normal people don't assault a person if they suspect that that person has given them a cold, for example).  Those are both bad generalizations that do not serve us as cat owners well in the long run.  

Likewise, the generalization that "if one dates someone allergic to one's pets, then one eventually *must* choose between them."  That is not true.  There is a friend of mine with a cat and an allergic boyfriend.  The boyfriend offered to get allergy shots for a year or so before he moved in with her.  Shots aren't cheap and they take a long time, but if you both truly love each other, then you do have options.  See also my mention above of possibly living with my boyfriend, and confining the cats to 1-2 rooms of the house plus a large outdoor enclosure.

Conversely, I used to live with a boyfriend who had cats of his own.  He was nice to all of our cats.  He turned out to be emotionally manipulative and abusive.  So clearly, the reverse one of the above generalizations, "they are always dateable if they are not allergic and doubly so if they actually have cats and don't abuse them," is not true.

Some blanket statements, like "people who abuse animals are people you absolutely don't want in your life," are cut-and dried.  There's no grey area there.  Other blanket statements - it's not so simple.

This is true.  Sometimes allergies can be managed- just because someone is allergic to cats does not mean that they should automatically be considered "non dating material".  When we got Jason I was dating a guy who was allergic to cats.  His family had dogs and a cat, and while the cat could live in the same house as him he couldn't have the cat sleep in his bedroom.  When I went to pick Jason up from animal control as a kitten he went with me to get him, and by the time we got home his entire face was swollen.  Over time his system adapted to the cat, but he is always this way when he meets new cats.  We broke up for unrelated reasons, but had things gottne more serious we could have worked with the allergy issue. 

On the other hand, I think it is ridiculous to assume that someone with serious allergy issues can just solve their problems with the pop of a pill.  Yes, an effort is definitely necessary, but sometimes an antihistamine is not all it takes and that is not a fair assumption to make.  Like Kat said, it isn't always so simple in either direction.

 

[mimi507]

1.what was his face like? surprised, sad, shocked, happy, grinning, pouting? maybe from that we could tell what happened.

2.Ask him a few questions, but DONT GO O.T.T - if he didnt do anything, it wouldnt be very nice for him to be bombarded with questions. so just gentley ask questions about Coppers ear - what HE thinks happened to it, if he noticed it etc.

 

[mimi507]

he may have had a fight with another cat, and fallen of a wall or something maybe. therefore, the cat may hav made him scared of everything now

 

[ambernicole]

Wow! It honestly sounds like your gut instinct was right! And yes...he probably knew you wanted to end the relationship so he wanted to do it on his terms. More time to love on Cooper!

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• ambernicole
• Dec 17, 2012

 

[chongo]

 I'm a male cat owner and I have some other opinions on what may have happened.  I've seen mt cat run into my coffee table because he got frightened by a noise from the TV.  I have stepped on his paws twice in the past two years and the poor guy lost a back claw from one of them.  I get home and he has abrasions sometimes and I can't figure out where he got them.  This being my experience, and I'm not saying it's yours, I wouldn't jump to an abuse conclusion if I went away and my gf was watching my cat and he was skittish.  I would be suspicious but I wouldn't voice my suspicion of abuse to my cat directly to her face when she was doing me a favor in the first place.  In the guys shoes, if he is innocent, I would be very cold during the accusation and also break up with a person who thought I could do that.  I probably wouldn't pay anyone back for a ticket though.  This is my two cents and I'm not trying to be a jerk about it but most people who see me with my cat see that I value him and as a result, know that they should value him as well.  I would have extended the benefit of the doubt.  If this marked off other abusive tendencies then I would say you were a fool to stay as long as you did.  If this was the only thing that popped up a red flag, then I would say it was an over reaction.  If the guy knew it was over when he left, that doesn't mean he was guilty of it.  

 

[wendy8080]

Keep Copper and unload the BF.  You are going to want to have animals around you, it doesn't matter if it is a bird, dog, cat or a lizard.  If your gut is telling you that it was the BF.....well that is good enough for me and should be for you! 

I don't know if anyone mentioned this but if I had that happen to me, my next question would be "when am I next?"

Ditch 'em and find yourself someone who shares the love of animals with you!

Good luck!

 

[catspaw66]

Keep Copper and unload the BF.  You are going to want to have animals around you, it doesn't matter if it is a bird, dog, cat or a lizard.  If your gut is telling you that it was the BF.....well that is good enough for me and should be for you! 

I don't know if anyone mentioned this but if I had that happen to me, my next question would be "when am I next?"

Ditch 'em and find yourself someone who shares the love of animals with you!

Good luck!

She has already taken care of the problem.  You are posting to a thread that was dormant for months.

 

[angels mommy]

Exactly! This is an old thread, & if you read back, you will see she did.

 

[wendy8080]

My bad......
 

 

[catspaw66]

Actually, this happens all the time. This site works on the premise that all replies to a thread are as important as the first and latest ones.

 

[sarah6272]

The same thing happened to me but I would go in the shower and I would come out and the cat would look completely tromitized . I got very suspicious with him. We've been together for 8 months and I came out of the bathroom to find him tossing my gerbil up in the air tramitizing the thing. I also had 2 before this one that both died after a month of having them slim starting to think it was him that killed them. I broke up with him because of this. I'd just say to keep a close eye on your boyfriend because "some" men do things like that. Also signs of abusing animals usually leads to abusing humans as well.

 

[flamingo1981]

id go after anyone who kicked my cat, if they kicked my dog i would be way more worried for the person on what my dog would do to them lol

the op is a strong girl glad she handled the situation good and protected her cat

my dog has smashed into things really hard before but never any cat that i had

 

[mollymellinger]

I don't think any posters here were intending to downplay allergies. Hopefully you understand that having an appropriate reaction to a health concern does not equal the kind of rage or sociopathy of a person intentionally hurting an animal. We aren't always eloquent when dealing with horrific, disgusting behavior like animal abuse.

BaylorBear, I want to buy you and Copper a plane ticket "out of respect" for how you handled this! :lol3: I masochistically clicked on this thread, ready to cry and write you a storm, but you seem to have made the hard, brave choice on your own power. Animal abuse IS often an indicator for domestic violence later on - but oftentimes these animal victims, who go through the cruelest pain, are then forgotten or become invisible in light of the human victims. And I've been in unhealthy relationships I stayed in long after they were hurtful. Neither you nor Copper should ever have to feel that your physical safety is in danger according to your bf's mood. You're an awesome cat mama, and cheers to you!