I resent my new kitten. :-(

[racky]

Hi all.  This is not necessarily a request for help (although it would be appreciated).  I really just need to "vent" because my husband would think I was crazy if he knew how I was feeling.  I'm pretty sure I won't be judged here.  :-)

We adopted a 3 month old female orange tabby in February.  Since that time, she has become my sweet girl.  She would follow me around, rub up on me, cuddle with me, and play.  She is the light of my life. We decided she needed a friend because she seemed quite bored and lonely at times.  So last weekend, we adopted a 2 1/2 month old male gray tabby.  He is a sweetheart, but he has definitely caused a huge change in the atmosphere of the house, as well as the mood of our 1st kitty. 

They don't really get along.  i think it may start out as playing, but it escalates to biting and scratching. So far, no physical damage has been done that I know of.  The older kitty (our 1st one) is so much bigger and really dominates the new one.  Again, I think she may be playing at first, but it turns into the new kitty screaming as the older one attacks.  The older kitty has become aloof.  She no longer cuddles with me, and prefers to be alone much of the time.  She used to lay with me in bed at night,  but now no longer can because the new kitty is on the bed and they can't be so close to each other.  When I try to play with the older kitty, the new one comes and takes the toy, or gets in the way, which causes the older kitty to stop playing and just walk away.  It breaks my heart that we no longer can do the things we used to do together because of the new addition.  Maybe I am humanizing her too much and giving her emotions that she really isn't feeling.  But I swear, I look at her, and just see sadness.

I guess I am just distraught that because we brought a new cat into the mix, now the old one seems no longer happy.  I'm heartbroken that what we did is causing her to change.  I like the new one well enough, but I have to admit I resent him for changing my relationship with the original cat.  But I get that the new cat didn't ask to brought into this, so my resentment really is not appropriate.  Still, I can't help the way I feel.  I feel broken that I lost my sweet girl because of something I did.

Thanks for listening.  Guess I just had to get it off my chest

 

[andrya]

Hi @Racky   You're right, you won't be judged here. And don't worry, unsettled feelings are completely normal until the new family unit hierarchy is established as routine.

The first thing that jumps out at me is that you say you got the new kitty last weekend. ls that only 4 days ago? A week and 4 days? Even if it was a month and 4 days, for two cats that have been thrown together suddenly it sounds like they're getting along amazingly well. Did you follow any introduction protocol, like keeping them separate, swapping scents, reinforcing positive outcomes (like treats, petting) when being close to each other?

Here's an article on introducing a new cat to the resident cat:

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/introducing-cats-to-cats

Even when done slowly and carefully you'll have weeks or even months of "different" behaviour in the original cat. However, it will change so you don't need to worry. As long as you realize this difficult transition time is both temporary and necessary it'll help alleviate the resentment.

Please keep us up to date on how things progress.

 

[racky]

Thanks for the reply, Andra.

We got the new kitten about 4 days ago on 4/19.  Yes, I admit that is not much time for everyone to get adjusted.  I am hopeful that things won't always be like this, but I'm just scared that the older one will never be the same again.  I guess I am just impatient and should give it more time.

We did follow a little introduction protocol, but not as much as we should have.  I think we were so excited to have them both be together, that we rushed it.  The new kitten stayed in a room by himself for a few days, with gradual introductions a little at a time.  That article you posted is a great article which I did read, but unfortunately not until after they met!  We both show each cat plenty of love and attention and treats for positive reinforcement.

I really do hope things can calm down and get back to normal soon.  So you say that it can take months?  I was telling my husband that if they don't start getting along by this weekend (which would be a week that we had the new one) we should start thinking about taking the new one back.  But you're saying that would be rushing things?  Sorry, new at this, and I have no idea how long these things can take.  I would absolutely hate to take him back (he's not a pair of jeans from Macy's after all) so I am willing to wait it out if this is entirely normal and hopefully temporary.

I apologize for the drama!  I had no idea a cat would have this kind of affect one me!

 

[andrya]

lt could literally take months. lt is very VERY rare for two to get along immediately, they need time to adjust. And you could still do the introductions, just separate them and only allow them to "see" each other under a door. Your older cat will end up being curious and more receptive if the kitten isn't thrust upon her. The slower and gentler the reintroduction the better. And know that there WILL be hissing and swatting, that's natural "new" cat behaviour, but as long as there's no blood drawn it'll be fine.

When l got my youngest cat there was much hissing and avoidance from my oldest cat. He was curious but very demonstrative about his displeasure at not being informed there would be another family member 

My middle (at that point younger) cat really struggled with the kitten. He was hissy and growly and swatty and sulky. lt was like we had turned his world upside down and he was most unpleasant. lt took 3 weeks for me to even trust them together if l wasn't within viewing distance. And l did the same intros with both older cats. Everybody's buddy buddy now, and yours will be too, but it needs to be given time for them to adjust to each other.

 

[angelinacat]

Hi Racky:

It is way too soon.  Keep them separated for a while.  Introduce them a little at a time.   Give both treats and toys.  Likely they will adjust and eventually be friends, but as said before, it could take months.

In my current case, I had three adult cats--all at age ten or older, and while the three tolerated each other, none of them were what you could call 'buddies'.  My dearest Angelina was then killed by a neighbor's pit-bull..

After several weeks, and opportunity came to adopt two three month old kittens.  I could have taken just one, but I would not separate them as these two kitties had been raised together, and are friends in ways that they can't be with the older cats.  Both of the kittens are friendly--they are now 8 months old--and they are determined that they will be friends with the older cats--no matter how often they are rebuffed.

Your kitty children will probably be okay; give them time.

 

[shadowsrescue]

You need to start completely over from the very beginning and take the introduction process seriously and slowly.  Cats are very different than dogs when learning to get along.  It rarely works when you just throw them together and hope they work it out themselves.  Follow the guidelines above.  Just remember to move slowly and back up if you need to.  It is not uncommon to move quickly at first and then have a set back.  I had to do reintroductions with my two because I rushed the process. 

Give each kitten individual play, cuddle, love and food time.  Yet keep them separated!

 

[racky]

Thank you all for your advice and understanding.  I guess we did rush the introduction process.  We will re-introduce more slowly and see what happens.  I do honestly see glimmers of hope.  We just got done all playing together, and it was pretty civil.  New kitty does dominate the toys, but they kind of took turns today.  The other day, I just happened to walk in on the older kitty grooming the new kitty.  I seriously had to make sure he was still alive because he was all sprawled out and eyes closed while he was getting groomed.   Last night they ate together and both used the scratching post together, rather than on each other.  I gave them treats for that!

I really do hope they can be friends someday, and I don't have to keep pulling them off each other.  Thank you all!  I will keep you updated on how it goes!

 

[racky]

UPDATE:

I was going to go through the re-introduction process like some of you suggested, but our new kitten and resident cat are really getting along so much better now.  It seemed counter productive to separate them now that things have really improved.  The fighting has turned more into playing.  They lay next to each other for naps, eat together (sometimes from the same bowl!), and groom each other.  The best part is that the resident cat, who I thought was getting aloof and sad because of the new addition, is now starting to get back to her old self.  She cuddles with me and is starting to show affection again.  The only time I have to separate them is when playing gets too rough.  After a short time out, they are fine again.

I really love them both, and no longer resent the new kitty.  He is a cutie, and there is enough love to go around for both of them.

Thank you all for your understanding and advice!  This is really a great site and I appreciate you all!  :-)

 

[andrya]

Yay! 

  What a fantastic update, l'm really happy for you and both kitties.

 

[shadowsrescue]

So happy all is going well and everyone is on track to be buddies!  It's always nice to hear good news updates!!

 

[stephenq]

YAY!!!!

 

[rachelinaz]

Yeah!

I was so scared reading this thread! We got three new kittens about 2-3 weeks ago and just threw them together. Thankfully all went well.
Lately Mew (non-bio kitty) is older than the other 2 and 2 to three weeks older and a lot bigger is starting to get rough.
Now Ana, the middle kitten can take Mew on, no biggy. However Elsie who is from the same litter as Ana, and is the runt... does not do so well as Ana. She is constantly being beat up on.
Elsie is a cuddler. She doesn't cuddle with the other two much. She likes cuddling with her humans. The other two like the humans but not as much as Elsie.

Anyways... sorry about that. I had no idea we were suppose to slowly introduce them. (Scary look)

 

[racky]

Hi Rachelinaz -

I'm sorry your little one is getting beat up on.  I sort of knew you were supposed to introduce them slowly, but I was stupid and impatient and rushed the process.  Some people on here have suggested to re-introduce and follow the procedure more closely.  Maybe that would work for you.  I decided not to do that because my 2 are getting along so much better now.  But maybe it would work for you.

I will say that my resident cat (and the bigger of the two) does tend to get rough, even though I think she is just playing.  I think she doesn't know her own strength, but I really don't think it is malicious behavior.  So maybe yours are also playing but just getting too rough?