For my Kitten

[kittens mom]

 
Of course Mercy is not a replacement for Kitten...she fill yet another part of your heart

.  But you will never forget Kitten, how could you?  I still think about my Nina, who's been gone now for over 25 years, and I still get teary eyed sometimes (she was my first dog as an adult).  But I don't sob for her, I think of the wonderful times we had.  This will come for you too, one day.  This is how it is with Sven too, NOW.  I think of him with wonderful memories and get all teary eyed. 

I hope with each passage you write about Kitten, your pain begins to ebb.  I know it's a slow process, as you know it too, but it does happen. 

Its funny how some of them just eat into our hearts. And while it's hard to lose any pet I have found it easier when they have reached the end of their natural lifespan. For me it's when they are ripped away beyond my control with years of their lives to enjoy. She never knew a mean word. She went out in her Daddy's arms. Not the least bit afraid. I am thankful her sweet little soul slipped away quietly and with ease. She was not in a great deal of pain so we were able to have time with her.

Until yesterday we had enough busy work to keep this at bay. Sunday was brutal. My husband cried for hours last night.

It's hard to believe now but when my hub wanted to keep Kitten as in inside pet I threw a fit. The last thing I wanted was animals in the house. Not my thing. He was walking to the door with her in his hand looking like the most brow beaten spouse ever. I relented and within three days you couldn't have pried her away from me. We had no idea how to take care of anything that young and small. I never bottle fed her. I put formula on my finger and fed her until she learned to drink it on her own. Kitten was fiercely independent and a big pudding all at the same time.

I'm laughing as the Mercy tries to engage Mook in play. Mook claims she doesn't play.  I am thankful for the life happening in my home.My beautiful Mook. So sleek and panther like. Intense and the new baby who is so loving and needs me . It does fill a void. As I've said, the perfect kitten at the worst time. Which is probably better than the wrong cat at a better time. KWIM.

It is so hard to realize that but for relenting in the moment I would have cheated myself out of one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Kittens Mom, you are one of the most honest humans I have ever had the privilege of being acquainted with, even on this limited basis.  You have openly shared so much of your anguish, which so many of us feel, but are afraid to express.  I just...there are no words.

You did so much for Kitten, and I know that you will do so for the little new one who shares your home. 

OK...I'm out of words.  I really am.   You are one special lady, and I am honored to know you, even if only here on this site.

 

[kittens mom]

 
Kittens Mom, you are one of the most honest humans I have ever had the privilege of being acquainted with, even on this limited basis.  You have openly shared so much of your anguish, which so many of us feel, but are afraid to express.  I just...there are no words.

You did so much for Kitten, and I know that you will do so for the little new one who shares your home. 

OK...I'm out of words.  I really am.   You are one special lady, and I am honored to know you, even if only here on this site.

I feel quite humbled and don't know what to say.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

 
I feel quite humbled and don't know what to say.

Then we shall just hug one another long distance, and share a cup of tea in silence.  Sometimes that is the greatest sharing of all.

 

[kittens mom]

So today I have to keep my normal face on and take Baby Mercy in for her wellness check. I could go to the clinic in the canyon it shaves off a few miles. But Kitten was seen there for years and without a doubt they'll give me a reminder sheet of any medical she might need or coming up. I like the VCA anyway. They have a waiting room just for us cat owners. Got to stop and find ink for my printer. Don't tell me to be green when it becomes less trouble and easier to buy a new printer every time I need ink. Anything I need to look professional beyond a letter I take to the print shop anyway. Tomorrow I have to crawl out in public and do laundry drop off dry cleaning or buy a new wardrobe. Considering the weight of the credit card debt now I'm going to be going to the Laundromat. Before I know it another Kitten-less week will have passed. I've been told you fake it and act normal until you just get used to it. Today is not a crying day.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

 

 
Of course Mercy is not a replacement for Kitten...she fill yet another part of your heart

.  But you will never forget Kitten, how could you?  I still think about my Nina, who's been gone now for over 25 years, and I still get teary eyed sometimes (she was my first dog as an adult).  But I don't sob for her, I think of the wonderful times we had.  This will come for you too, one day.  This is how it is with Sven too, NOW.  I think of him with wonderful memories and get all teary eyed. 

I hope with each passage you write about Kitten, your pain begins to ebb.  I know it's a slow process, as you know it too, but it does happen. 

Its funny how some of them just eat into our hearts. And while it's hard to lose any pet I have found it easier when they have reached the end of their natural lifespan. For me it's when they are ripped away beyond my control with years of their lives to enjoy. She never knew a mean word. She went out in her Daddy's arms. Not the least bit afraid. I am thankful her sweet little soul slipped away quietly and with ease. She was not in a great deal of pain so we were able to have time with her.

Until yesterday we had enough busy work to keep this at bay. Sunday was brutal. My husband cried for hours last night.

It's hard to believe now but when my hub wanted to keep Kitten as in inside pet I threw a fit. The last thing I wanted was animals in the house. Not my thing. He was walking to the door with her in his hand looking like the most brow beaten spouse ever. I relented and within three days you couldn't have pried her away from me. We had no idea how to take care of anything that young and small. I never bottle fed her. I put formula on my finger and fed her until she learned to drink it on her own. Kitten was fiercely independent and a big pudding all at the same time.

I'm laughing as the Mercy tries to engage Mook in play. Mook claims she doesn't play.  I am thankful for the life happening in my home.My beautiful Mook. So sleek and panther like. Intense and the new baby who is so loving and needs me . It does fill a void. As I've said, the perfect kitten at the worst time. Which is probably better than the wrong cat at a better time. KWIM.

It is so hard to realize that but for relenting in the moment I would have cheated myself out of one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

With my Sven, when he got kidney disease, I always told him  I would not keep him alive for MY sake, so when he was ready to go, all he had to do was let me know.  For three years whenever he wouldn't eat I'd look at him and ask him if he was ready to leave me, and he'd go over to his bowl and take a few bites to let me know he wasn't ready yet

.  Finally, one night he wouldn't eat even one single favorite treat, and I asked him the usual question and he turned his back on me

.   I moved so I could be just about nose to nose with him so I could really see into his eyes, and I asked him if it was time, and he immediately started purring the loudest purr I had heard in a very long time.  And I could just see it in his eyes that he was ready to move on to whatever is next, if anything.   He had just had enough, I guess.  So since this was late on a Sunday night, I promised him that we would take him to see Dr. Christina first thing in the morning and set him free.  And we did. 

And even Dr. Christina cried her eyes out.  And now I am crying my eyes out again.   For Sven, for Kitten, for all the furbabies I've come to know on this site who've lost their fight 

  But it's like my favorite Garth Brook song, The Dance:  "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

Funny, with our boys, they actually adopted us (found them on our front porch when they were 4 1/2 months old), I absolutely did NOT want them , but hubby insisted we had to take them because no one would want kittens that age, and EVERYDAY I am so grateful they are in our lives.  It's been a 6 plus years since they came, and our lives have certainly been enhanced.  Not a day goes by that they don't make us laugh.  

I hope Mercy (and Mook) can do that for you

 

[kittens mom]

 
With my Sven, when he got kidney disease, I always told him  I would not keep him alive for MY sake, so when he was ready to go, all he had to do was let me know.  For three years whenever he wouldn't eat I'd look at him and ask him if he was ready to leave me, and he'd go over to his bowl and take a few bites to let me know he wasn't ready yet

.  Finally, one night he wouldn't eat even one single favorite treat, and I asked him the usual question and he turned his back on me

.   I moved so I could be just about nose to nose with him so I could really see into his eyes, and I asked him if it was time, and he immediately started purring the loudest purr I had heard in a very long time.  And I could just see it in his eyes that he was ready to move on to whatever is next, if anything.   He had just had enough, I guess.  So since this was late on a Sunday night, I promised him that we would take him to see Dr. Christina first thing in the morning and set him free.  And we did. 

And even Dr. Christina cried her eyes out.  And now I am crying my eyes out again.   For Sven, for Kitten, for all the furbabies I've come to know on this site who've lost their fight 

  But it's like my favorite Garth Brook song, The Dance:  "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

Funny, with our boys, they actually adopted us (found them on our front porch when they were 4 1/2 months old), I absolutely did NOT want them , but hubby insisted we had to take them because no one would want kittens that age, and EVERYDAY I am so grateful they are in our lives.  It's been a 6 plus years since they came, and our lives have certainly been enhanced.  Not a day goes by that they don't make us laugh.  

I hope Mercy (and Mook) can do that for you

We're reluctant to let a new one in and our hearts die when they leave. Oh and I cried and sobbed at the vet. My husband handing me a steady supply of Kleenex. And at the same time so proud of the little ragamuffin as the vet examined her. One sorrow is not replaced by joy. They run side by side. Depending on the stars one will pull ahead and rule for a while .  I gave the package with the Etube collar in it and the card for the vets and staff to the vet we seen today to be passed on to the internal medicine team.

I don't know who chose who at the shelter. If it hadn't felt right I wouldn't have brought her home. Mook and Mercy are on the floor playing, Not together but not distressed by each other's presence. IN fact I would say Mook is doing her best to ignore the baby while at the same time watching her. There is no hostility in my home. Just everyone trying to find their new place in the grand scheme of things.  

 

[donutte]

 
With my Sven, when he got kidney disease, I always told him  I would not keep him alive for MY sake, so when he was ready to go, all he had to do was let me know.  For three years whenever he wouldn't eat I'd look at him and ask him if he was ready to leave me, and he'd go over to his bowl and take a few bites to let me know he wasn't ready yet

.  Finally, one night he wouldn't eat even one single favorite treat, and I asked him the usual question and he turned his back on me

.   I moved so I could be just about nose to nose with him so I could really see into his eyes, and I asked him if it was time, and he immediately started purring the loudest purr I had heard in a very long time.  And I could just see it in his eyes that he was ready to move on to whatever is next, if anything.   He had just had enough, I guess.  So since this was late on a Sunday night, I promised him that we would take him to see Dr. Christina first thing in the morning and set him free.  And we did. 

And even Dr. Christina cried her eyes out.  And now I am crying my eyes out again.   For Sven, for Kitten, for all the furbabies I've come to know on this site who've lost their fight 

  But it's like my favorite Garth Brook song, The Dance:  "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

Funny, with our boys, they actually adopted us (found them on our front porch when they were 4 1/2 months old), I absolutely did NOT want them , but hubby insisted we had to take them because no one would want kittens that age, and EVERYDAY I am so grateful they are in our lives.  It's been a 6 plus years since they came, and our lives have certainly been enhanced.  Not a day goes by that they don't make us laugh.  

I hope Mercy (and Mook) can do that for you

Oh my. I remember having that conversation with Lucky long before he ever got sick. I think he was 14 when we started that talk. I knew he was getting older and I told him that Mommy probably wouldn't want to listen, so he might have to make sure not to be subtle when he tells me. He was subtle for two days I think, but then he made sure I knew that last day. I did already by the time he did. 

I really, REALLY like that Garth Brooks quote btw. 

 
We're reluctant to let a new one in and our hearts die when they leave. Oh and I cried and sobbed at the vet. My husband handing me a steady supply of Kleenex. And at the same time so proud of the little ragamuffin as the vet examined her. One sorrow is not replaced by joy. They run side by side. Depending on the stars one will pull ahead and rule for a while .  I gave the package with the Etube collar in it and the card for the vets and staff to the vet we seen today to be passed on to the internal medicine team.

I don't know who chose who at the shelter. If it hadn't felt right I wouldn't have brought her home. Mook and Mercy are on the floor playing, Not together but not distressed by each other's presence. IN fact I would say Mook is doing her best to ignore the baby while at the same time watching her. There is no hostility in my home. Just everyone trying to find their new place in the grand scheme of things.  

I picked my kitty based on things like how I felt she'd get along with the kittens. Didn't really want a boy to cause any "top cat" problems. Oscar's already started establishing that. And wanted someone young, but already an adult. Penelopy is 3 years old, and while I fell in love with her from the moment I saw her picture, she didn't particularly grow on me until the last few days. Waking up with her and the kittens draped across me at night. It definitely doesn't diminish the pain, but it makes the pain more bearable. If that makes sense.

 

[kittens mom]

 
Oh my. I remember having that conversation with Lucky long before he ever got sick. I think he was 14 when we started that talk. I knew he was getting older and I told him that Mommy probably wouldn't want to listen, so he might have to make sure not to be subtle when he tells me. He was subtle for two days I think, but then he made sure I knew that last day. I did already by the time he did. 

I really, REALLY like that Garth Brooks quote btw. 

I picked my kitty based on things like how I felt she'd get along with the kittens. Didn't really want a boy to cause any "top cat" problems. Oscar's already started establishing that. And wanted someone young, but already an adult. Penelopy is 3 years old, and while I fell in love with her from the moment I saw her picture, she didn't particularly grow on me until the last few days. Waking up with her and the kittens draped across me at night. It definitely doesn't diminish the pain, but it makes the pain more bearable. If that makes sense

She keeps me busy. And it's hard not to find myself falling in love with her. Our relationships with pets are polygamist in many ways. We can love many and for their individual merits and those little quirks that make them so individual. Being in the process of letting go, and you have to start letting go because as I learned the hard way before.. Clinging to the last moments and trying to keep it all fresh ends up polluting all the good stuff. On the other hand after crating the baby and Mook is snug in bed if I want to drape Kittens blanky over the computer chair and call her name sing song to let her know she now rules the roost I will. If I turn the chair right you can't see she's not there. If this insanity lets me make it to another day I'm not hurting anyone. Of course I'll have to let that go when the baby is past night crating. So I'll indulge this little farce

 

[kittens mom]

I can't read about the other loses without turning into an incoherent puddle. Thank goodness for this forum. Can you picture us in a circle with the incoherent words mixed in sobs.  

 

[kittens mom]

Aftermath. Digging through the ruins Trying to set things back where they belong. We fought awful this morning. About nothing. Displaced anger and frustration. Adrenaline has been our co-pilot. We are both so ragged. Kitten is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  This morning had a surreal air to it , well after the explosion, as Mook and Mercy made tentative steps to playing with each other. Mook is outclassed. Mercy is so charming in her attempts to engage. You can't figure out how it's right to have a good day. You smile and a wave of guilt and shame appear to slap that grin right off your face. I ordered the complete CatIt play system for my babies. I have now successfully hoarded every toy Kitten might have farted on. sorry meant make rose petals on. Leave me alone, It's my box of junk to squat on. So I'm off to the post office with all the cheery grumpy present shippers to send off some special treats of my own to that special vet in my life. The temptation to put the letters in a Christmas card were almost impossible to resist.

Kitten loved Billy Idol. She would weave in and out of my feet when this song played.

 

[crazy4strays]

Just sorting through this thread now and catching up. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Kitten.

How wonderful of you to take in a little kitten in need of a home. It's a living memorial to your Kitten, saving another life and helping a kitty in need. I remember once reading a poem about what a pet's last will and testament would contain if they could write one. The poem was about taking in another homeless animal in memory of the animal that passed away. 

I'm hoping that Mook and Mercy become best of friends. Mercy will be a sweet addition to your family, not as a replacement for Kitten, but as another fur baby to love, and to hold tight on your hardest days.

 

[kittens mom]

 
Just sorting through this thread now and catching up. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Kitten.

How wonderful of you to take in a little kitten in need of a home. It's a living memorial to your Kitten, saving another life and helping a kitty in need. I remember once reading a poem about what a pet's last will and testament would contain if they could write one. The poem was about taking in another homeless animal in memory of the animal that passed away. 

I'm hoping that Mook and Mercy become best of friends. Mercy will be a sweet addition to your family, not as a replacement for Kitten, but as another fur baby to love, and to hold tight on your hardest days.

It's getting better. It will never be good or OK. I am thankful my husband and I are on the same page and had discussed long ago how we feel about certain treatments and our own ethics for our animals best welfare. We have firm beliefs about prolonging their pain and illness for short reprieves in order to delay ours. I rely on those beliefs now to help sort though the pain , grief and guilt associated with deciding to kill your pet. She was fairly comfortable and still Kitten when she slipped away. There is never a good time. We probably could have hauled her home pumped her full of drugs and had her breathing body to hold for a few more days. Of course she'd have to go through the drive home, Being tube fed, What if the tube comes up again.? And we would both have to go through yet another trip from hell driving in with her again having an hour car ride. Likely more strangers poking around and then even more debilitated and stressed we'd have to say goodby to her anyway. So we have to learn to forgive ourselves.

Mercy and Mook were just playing with each other. It's tentative. I have no idea the exact circumstances for Mercy's return to the shelter other than she bit, clawed  and was aggressive. None of which she has displayed to either of us. Mook or the vets and techs yesterday. She spends considerable time next to me even rolling over for belly rubs. She is every inch a tortie. But we wouldn't have anything else. She's gained 4 ounces since we got her and she is growing in front of our eyes. Only a week and already she's been here forever. She's also tidied herself up.

Bless my Mooky who is trying so hard not to like her. She's losing horribly.

My Kitten is safe with me in my memories , my heart and her remains are in a secure place so that she is with me always. No matter how long we have them it's never enough. My heart aches for everyone here with a story of loss. All of them are as equally hurt and sad, some more.

 

[kittens mom]

Before going to bed tonight I wanted to share an experience I had. I have mentioned my NikkiHorse. We were a pair for over 20 years. Incredible bond. Her passing was beyond painful. In those dark days looking for answers I turned to an animal psychic. Very well known. I got a reading that at the time seemed so profound and true. It was only later I realized that it was nothing but regurgitation of the information the psychic said she needed in order to contact Nikki.

I was just sobbing one night and my one question was always if she was OK. It was impossible to think that such a huge personality could fade to nothing. Feathers, birds, smells. sounds. You name I could give a meaning to it. Again deep down I knew I was lying to myself.

We didn't have cable available here. We were lucky to have a land line. You had to adjust the antenna constantly from channel to channel. All 5 of them. When you don't have cable and it was still the days of the CRT you didn't go to a blue screen you got snow.

I was  watching TV one night and the reception was excellent. I was also practicing my daily ritual of crying. I cried a lot. My constant question Is she OK. Of course the reception decided to go right at the best part of the show in and out. And I sat there just defeated and tired and ready to turn it off and go to bed  I heard as plain as day I'm alright. TV show came on and never went back off. From that day I started to heal. Somewhere in my heart I know my grief is for her physical body that fit so perfect on my shoulder. I miss all the horrible lovely rotten things she was always up to. But really deep down I know that somewhere they survive in some form. We don't really know and we will never know. And yet we can accept that these souls we love so much are never really gone.

 

[di and bob]

I truly believe all that you have said, there is NO WAY the 'essence' of them can truly be gone. It may be physically gone but I firmly believe they live on through us and somehow in a form that is unknown to us. They are so much a part of us that in a sense they become a part of us, and in  this way will never be truly gone from our lives. I pity the humans and animals alike that will never know this bond, this wonderful love, they are missing a wonderful part of living. You can never be whole until you share a part of yourself with another and gain a greater whole. The loss when you lose this special love is also greater, made so because in a sense you lose part of yourself in the process. I also believe it is still better to have known and lost this wonderful love then to have never have had it at all. The loss is horrendous, but the gain in our lives, the happiness,  is worth so much more.  Cats may not be our whole lives, but they certainly make our lives whole!  Please take care of yourself, and keep asking if they are all right, they WILL answer, we just have to see the signs they are sending.  

 

[kittens mom]

So today has been no crying day. I have found the beginnings of my new normal. It may be a three legged stool on a steep hillside but it's a start. I managed to be almost presentable in public and got a ton of stuff taken care of.

Put a basic pet insurance policy on Mook and Mercy. It would have made no difference with Kitten except we wouldn't have thousands to pay off. It seems so shabby to even talk about the money. But the real world keeps sticking its nose in my business. If something were to happen again we'd at least have a vet bill we could out of pocket instead of adding to the misery by trying to beat the interest monster waiting for it's chance to pounce. I don't give a crap about losing the new furniture or our vacations. The extra week is worth it's weight in gold to us. There is of course all the fallout from the veterinarian situation. I suppose that will make some days unbearable. You would think the silly woman would want this to just end. I do. I'd sign a nondisclosure just to get her to admit her fault to us. It ould have to be for a lot more than we asked. This is really about taking responsibility for Kitten. Seems everyone but the vet gets it.  

 

[kittens mom]

Day two with no uncontrollable sobbing. I feel numb but able to function. I mean I managed to get dressed by 2 PM. That's a big step. Two chicken tenderloins.  A few chips , a few crackers so I could take pain meds this morning.

If I were a cat my owner would heave me in the crate and have me examined for not eating and poor grooming habits. I have not yet failed to use the litter box.

Grief clouds our minds and makes even the simplest task look like a mountain. Thank goodness all our bills are on auto pay. I'd be out looking for a hotspot to use the internet. I find it's best to make lists. My mind goes blank sometimes. I am so thankful to have Baby Mook and Little Mercy. Originally I planned on naming her Legacy, Lacy because she is very much a legacy to Kitten, who admitted me to the secret, mysterious and magical world of cats. We all know our pets offer a type of comfort no human can give us. And I need that so very much now.

Anyone who thinks I was nuts to get a baby 5 days after I lost Kitten. 3 days after her cremation. I took a leap of faith in keeping that dirty little kitten my husband wanted. This leap was no different. It's as if this one little cat was built special order just for us.

 

[crazy4strays]

I'm glad that you're feeling a little better. Keep on being gentle with yourself. Make sure to eat right and take care of yourself.

Last year when my MIL died, I got physical grief symptoms. I actually would wake up in the morning and feel dizzy. My SIL had the same thing. I looked it up and it's a grief symptom. I also slept more after the death. I think that our bodies have ways of pushing us to slow down and take care of ourselves after a death in the family.

The right time to adopt another pet after loss is the time when YOU feel ready. Don't let anybody ridicule your choice. I think that it's great that you took in that little kitten. You can feel great that you saved another life. That's a beautiful tribute to your Kitten!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

 
Anyone who thinks I was nuts to get a baby 5 days after I lost Kitten. 3 days after her cremation. I took a leap of faith in keeping that dirty little kitten my husband wanted. This leap was no different. It's as if this one little cat was built special order just for us.

I am a huge believer in leaps of faith.  And Mercy seems to be living up to her name, both in needing and giving.  How could you not, once you knew? 

You have said once or twice about "the right kitten at the wrong time."  I have to wonder...Perhaps it was a difficult time, a horrendous time, but perhaps not exactly the wrong time either?

I spend a lot of time thinking about you and your family.  I feel as if I know you through your writings.  A whole lot of healing thoughts are directed your way. 

 

[kittens mom]

Two weeks ago right about this time I realized that we were not going to win the fight. I hadn't said anything to my husband but I knew. It sank in that they told me while reinserting the feeding tube they had to give her oxygen to help her breath. Her color had went from horrible to somehow even worse. Her body posture changed. her wide open little face was pinched and you could feel her withdrawing.

I had tried to dismiss the look in the vets face when she released her back to us. She knew. I think I knew but was still so far in denial I couldn't digest it.  I was throwing up reality the way Kitten was her food.

I knew all night. I got water into her and she had anti nausea drugs. I heard her moan once. How much does it take for a cat to let something like that out. How could this be the same cat that had been shooting her toys under the rug just days earlier. And I knew she was not going to come home with us Sunday morning. We had to go back. I kept looking for that Disney miracle where the animal makes a miraculous  recovery and everyone dances with animated bluebirds. And then the vet came back in the waiting room only this time she didn't bring Kitten back with her. Where is she I demanded , In the treatment area. Yeah it was probably better for us and Kitten not to have that talk with her in the room.

They brought her in . A catheter in her leg with pink vet wrap. And they had wrapped her neck with the feeding tube covered in tiger print vet wrap. Take as long as you need. No we were ready when we got here. Look at my poor cat. She's suffering. And in less than a minute what we had loved for over 11 years was just gone.

And then they let you hold her. And when you're ready the vet takes them and you are left alone. Believe me it does not sink in right away what's happened. That actually takes days. weeks even.

This is one of those days when nothing fills the holes. Crying just makes the emptiness bigger.