Crippled With Grief At The Moment

[Claude]

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss, it is one of the worst things we will experience as pet owners but it sadly is the price that we pay for all of the good times too. Then let me tell you that years ago we had the same thing happen to us, Sassy, who was about 12 or so and still active did something that we'll never know, but Deb woke me up and said "Sassy can't move her back legs", so in a snow and ice storm we drove her on a Sunday to a 24 hour clinic where they did an MRI and said that she had a herniated disc and that she would probably have a 60% of walking again if we operated, so we did, and let me tell you it was AWFUL, she had to wear diapers, we had to perform therapy on her, took her to therapy, she lived in a big dog cage but we clung to hope that she with time would walk again but she didn't, and we sadly realized that the time was near to put her down, and when they injected her she went peacefully, she was ready, and my wife Deb still to this day says "I feel terrible that we put her through that" but I tell her that we had to try, and 60% chance to walk was good, but it didn't work. So don't beat yourself up too much over not doing it, it might have turned out like what we dealt with, and she is fine now just fine just like Sassy and all the rest of them and we will see them again one day and it will be wonderful....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry for your loss, you did all that you could with what you had, she knows that and there are no regrets, she is fine now and one day you will be too.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

Thank you kindly for sharing that story. That sounds very similar to my own circumstances. In my case, though I did contemplate swamping myself in debt if I at least had good odds that she would walk normally again, the vet told me frankly that he didn't believe she ever would. So I give him credit for being so candid. I asked him two or three times the same question, I think----I wanted to be absolutely sure that he meant what he said.

I think that if he had given me really good odds of her walking normally again (say 75% or more), I quite possibly would've made the decision to drown in debt to make Mogwai well again. But because he gave me a frank answer, I decided that euthanasia was the best decision. I had to think of her before myself, that proud and graceful little animal who now had to drag herself on the floor with her front paws. I realized that my final act of love to her had to be to spare her any further indignities. Of course my knowing all this about what was in my heart still doesn't really make it any easier. But yes, I had to think of her quality of life first. My own feelings (and what I would have to live with afterwards) had to come in second.

In your case, with 60% chances, I think you did the right thing to give it a try. If the vet had given me those odds, my decision might've been different---eventhough I could hardly afford it.

 

[catsknowme]

Condolences on losing Mowgai - it took courage to choose what was best for her. It is really hard to not second guess one's final decision but it sounds like you are doing well at coming to terms with the situation. For me, I find grieving affects me like the tides, ebb & flow. And as scary as it can be to love again, I fill the cat-shaped void in my home with another cat or kitten needing rescue -: I have never regretted it!

 

[Antonio65]

I now have 37 (!) videos of her I can watch anytime I like. It's comforting to know that I don't have to rely on my memory alone to remember her in the future

Please, consider having more than a backup of those videos.
Losing everything, those videos, photos of everything you treasure, files of any kind, it can happen in a blink of an eye.
And I can speak from experience...

 

[Claude]

Please, consider having more than a backup of those videos.
Losing everything, those videos, photos of everything you treasure, files of any kind, it can happen in a blink of an eye.
And I can speak from experience...

That's really good advice.

I do have them backed up.

 

[Claude]

An update on my state of mind:

I'm still very sad at the loss of my beautiful little friend, but I'm coping.

Life goes on, as the old cliché goes.

I need to pull myself together and live my life. Easier said than done, of course.

 

[di and bob]

Life is for the living.....Mowgai would be the last one to want you to spend one moment missing it's joy and happiness, she loved you. The way back from grieving is a long and depressing one, and for some, your life will be forever changed. But her life brought so very much more, don't make her death more important than her life. Find something that you can focus on, something you enjoy, even if it is a simple walk. You cannot change the past, it must be left there, but you can make positive changes for your future. You already have one positive thing, you are capable of loving, and your precious little girl gave you that.......

 

[Leomc123]

Claude im very sorry to hear hat Mogwai had to be helped into to heaven. I understand how it must feel i was in the same situation on january 2019 this year were i had to let Leo go and then 3 months later i had to le MC go both of them are in my avatar pictures.. Leo came home limping mid august 2018. I took him many times to the vet to give him pain meds, xrays, sedatives and eventually he lost movements of his back legs were he became incontinet and was also draging himself around with his front paws. It is devastating to see a once healthy cat to suddenly deteriorate in a short time, esepically when 2 weeks earlier he was walking with a slight limp and was geting better. And then Mc 3 months later started drooling and with in 4 days had to be put down as she was suffering liver failure.

Making the difficult decision to let Mogwai go is the hardest decision to make, and the kindest one. Mogwai even though her back legs were paralized she would have been in some pain. And for her to be dragging her body around and not being able to go to the litter tray would have been hard on her as she would have soiled on herself if you arent there to help her. Same was with leo, i would help him go to the loo for 4 months because he was wobly when standing at times. And when he was paralized he ended up soiling himself while laying there and this was when i was at home . Mogwai wouldnt have the best quality of life.

The shock of it all is deep and sudden, and its normal to break down and cry for Mogwai, all this emotion you have is because you loved her alot. It will take some time to heal, its been 7 months for me and i still think about Leo and MC every day. I even cried at work. The saddnes you are feeling is normal because your companion who has been with you every day is gone, and its because you had to make that kind decision to let her be pain free, i understand the guilt of ending ones life, and the feeling of hoplessness and not being able to do enough because of financial issues. But sometimes all the money in the world wont change the end result and that is the hardest part of it all.

You will at times think if you did the right thing, trust me i catch myself in deep thought a few times a week if i should have done something different and the only thing i can tell myself is that they are not suffering any more and that they are in heaven in the angels arms, keeping them warm, and free of pain.

I watch videos of them, and look at photos of them when i get upset thinking about them, it somehow makes me feel like they are still around. Its hard not knowing how they got injured or if it just suddenly happend due to age.

Just take it easy on your self, and let the emotions come and go, try to keep yourself busy with the other pets that you are looking after, i know its hard not to feel guilty when they are alive and mogwai isnt anymore, just love them as if they are her.

I am sorry.

 

[Norachan]

It takes a long time to come to terms with the loss of someone you loved Claude. You have to understand it on so many levels; intellectually, emotionally, viscerally....

You think you're getting over it, and then something will trigger the realization that she is gone on another level and you're heartbroken again.

Grieving is an important process and it can't be rushed. But every tear you shed is another step on your way.

We've all been there. We're here for you.

 

[Leomc123]

-I have her recorded being affectionate, being playful, doing that little whiny meow which meant "I'm bored, come over and pet me", her purr, lots of videos of her lounging in her favorite chair, on the couch, etc. The latest video was filmed on July 3rd, just 11 days before her death.[/QUOTE]

I do the same things with Leo and Mc videos i watch them when i feel down when i miss them, and it helps me alot. I also see two bright stars in the sky every night and i named one leo and the other Mc and they are right next to eachother in the sky looking down on me. So when i go out, i look up and i say a prayer or talk to them.

 

[Purr-fect]

This is my first post at this site. I felt the need to connect with other cat lovers during this most difficult time.

Yesterday, I suddenly had to make what has been the most difficult decision of my life. After my perfectly healthy 8 year-old female tabby Mogwai injured her spinal column (the exact cause is a mystery, but probably due to an awkward fall from somewhere), her hind legs were paralysed. She could only drag herself on the carpeted floor by digging her front claws and pulling herself forward.

I rushed her to the animal hospital at 5 am, where the prognosis given to me was terrible: Her legs were indeed paralysed due to a collapsed verterbrae, including most likely nerve damage in the spine. The costs for an MRI were well beyond what I could afford to spend ($5000 or more), and that would only give more precise information on her condition, not guarantee that she would ever walk normally again, let alone be able to jump, climb, and have the quality of life that she's always had. She had just turned 8 in June, which is middle-aged for a cat, but had never lost her zest for life, playfulness, and vitality. She was only slightly less energetic than she had been in her youth. Sweet and feisty in almost equal measure, but a gentle little soul at her core.

So not able to afford driving myself further into debt with thousands of dollars of costs that didn't guarantee any positive outcome, including expensive steroids that she would then have to take for perhaps months and not even able to go to her litter box by herself (I would've had to put her in her litter box and take her out each time), I asked the vet if the odds of her being normal again were good. His answer was no, he didn't believe so.

Already at almost $1000 for the costs of the emergency, 3 X-rays, sedation, etc., I was forced suddenly to make a decision to euthanize my beloved cat and only companion (I'm a single male living alone). I got a moment in private to say goodbye to her and that was it. My sweet Mogwai was put to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to stay and see her die, so I left the clinic in a state of shock.

I have since been crippled by grief and guilt (at not being willing to spend thousands and thousands of dollars that my low salary can ill afford). I hadn't cried in years, but I find myself now breaking down constantly. Luckily, I'm currently on vacation, so I don't have to go to work for a few weeks, which gives me time to hopefully get over the worst of my grief.

At this time, I don't feel like doing anything. I don't have much appetite. I'm pet-sitting 2 cats and a dog at my friends' house who are away on vacation. Part of the reason Mogwai had her tragic accident probably has a lot to do with not knowing her surroundings as well as she does at my home. I can't figure out where she may have fallen that could've caused this injury. Cats can normally emerge unscathed from falls from great heights. But there were no places that she had access to in this house which were that high up.

I'm crushed by grief, guilt, and not knowing what even caused her terrible injury.

I think you made the right decision, even if expense was not a factor.

She would have had to endure great pain and suffering. It may have lasted for the rest of her life. She would not have understood why she was in pain, could not walk properly, use her litter box properly. Every day, every moment would have been a chore.

You did right by her......and at a great cost to yourself. She went to sleep, but you remain, with the terrible grief.

But it will get better.

Over the years we have lost many of our cat buddies. It hurts, you never forget, but it does get better. You cope, you continue to move forward. You meet another cat (s) and you will love again.

 

[jefferd18]

Claude, how are you doing?

 

[Claude]

Not too badly, thanks for asking. I still have the occasional pangs of sadness, but I've definitely been making some progress. Mainly because I've been keeping busy and haven't had too much time lately to ruminate and brood about it. At this point, it's quite possible that the pain could all come back at any time.

It will probably take me a long time to get back to 100%.

 

[Pouncecat1]

I just lost my baby girl due to cancer. I had it removed twice but after the last surgery it immediately came back at the incision site. Then it grew internally into her abdomen. I'm going through the same feelings you are. It is miserable. Just because I knew she was going to die didn't prepare me for actually losing her.

All i can get myself to do is sit in front of the tv and mope. One of my other cats is going on 16 years old and now I'm having nightmares about losing him too.

I can't cure cancer, but i feel like I should have tried another surgery, but at what cost? Then it would come back and jumped to her lungs... You can't stop death.

My parents hate cats- and won't let me get another. Not living here and I can't afford to move out at this time. The more depressed i get, the less interested i am in working. I just don't care about money right now. The weather doesn't help- i hate summers.

She was my baby. I'm heartbroken.

I always feel like i should be able to save them. When Raven died it was the same way. I felt so guilty for not recognizing how bad he was- he got terribly ill so fast. The vet said there was nothing to be done. He went from healthy to dying. Bacterial sepsis- how could he get sepsis? He wasn't injured. I just don't understand... And the vet listed several possible things but said he didn't know either. I felt so sorry for the vet too because he looked as heartbroken as we were.

I always stay for the sedation and once they are asleep i leave before the final injection. Given the times i was put under in the hospital, i know once you are sleeping, you are no longer aware. They say sedation is like being in a reversible coma. I don't know if that helps any. But at least they don't suffer.

 

[Claude]

In retrospect, I wish I would've done like what you do --- stayed for the sedation. That way, at least, she would've known I was with her until she fell asleep. Then I would've left before they administered the fatal shot.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I was in such a state of shock after having found her paralysed just a few hours earlier, and I was so unprepared.....I thought I still had several more years with her, to enjoy her company. *sigh*

 

[catsknowme]

Claude - I feel that you handled it perfectly. Some cats, just like some people, don't want their beloved to see them depart and the spirit leaves (if Death is to arrive naturally) once it is alone. You will see that often in hospice - the patient "slips away" when everyone leaves for just a moment. In Nature, animals (as did many First Nations persons) often seek a secluded place to die. That said, I attend all my euthanasias, as much for quality assurance as to try to render comfort.

 

[jefferd18]

In retrospect, I wish I would've done like what you do --- stayed for the sedation. That way, at least, she would've known I was with her until she fell asleep. Then I would've left before they administered the fatal shot.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I was in such a state of shock after having found her paralysed just a few hours earlier, and I was so unprepared.....I thought I still had several more years with her, to enjoy her company. *sigh*

She knew you were with her, every step of the way.

Claude, staying with a beloved animal companion is not something that every person can do. I suffer from both anxiety and depression and I will be damned if I am going to subject my friends to those feelings as they depart on the greatest journey of their life.

I have only one time had to make the difficult decision of euthanasia. It was a situation in which I was told that my cat's imminent death from a brain tumor would result in the feeling of "being smothered by a pillow". Even in an tank filled with 100% oxygen, he was only taking in about 60%. I made the decision to have him euthanized at 8:30 that night..I doubt he would have made it to 10.

 

[les26]

I have mentioned on here many times how when I was emotionally upset after coming home years ago and having Sebastian die in my arms my friend at a health food store told me about Holy Basil which is an "adaptogen" herb which helps you cope with the stress with a calmer mind, you know it is still there and going on but you can handle it better and it is not addictive. And also the homeopathic under the tongue remedy Ignatia Amara, it is for intense grief, shock, emotional trauma and stress, you don't eat or drink for at least a half hour, pour the pills in the cap (don't touch them", let them dissolve under your tongue a few times a day until you are feeling better then stop. They have helped me many times over the years, are not drugs, and I have had no side effects from them and I am pretty sensitive with things so if I don't mind them chances are you won't either, just saying.....

It takes quite a long time to get a handle on this issue, the grief has ahold of you right now and the ride will be bumpy, sometimes really bad, sometimes not too bad, and everything in between. I remember after that horrible night Deb went into a store and I waited in the car, and out of the blue the whole horrible thing just popped into my mind and was like someone pushed "play" on a dvd, and I just sat there with tears in my eyes, a grown man, but it helps to let it out, if you fight against it it's like swimming upstream it doesn't work, just go with it and with time and help and love and prayers you will one day get to the point where you can handle it better, you never forget it but you can handle it better.

And the grief will also play mind games with you, after he died I couldn't go near the spot in the room where I got him to hold him when he died, but with time that passed. When we put Simon down and I held him years ago, he was very sick with stomach cancer, no chance to get better and was suffering, I could not be in the shower and close the door, I felt panic come over me like I was in a casket buried alive, I did shower but I felt so closed in, and I also could not be alone in the dark, when the light went off I felt like I was going to suffocate, again a grown man with a big soft heart for these cats, but with time that all faded away, but it was so so strange but it was the way that my mind was processing the grief. And as awful as those times were and others, I learned a bit from each one. I just hope I learned enough to deal with it when Sylvester passes, he's only about 7 but when he goes I'll be a train wreck, he is my little buddy, I got him after Sebastian died, we found each other, in the darkness....we helped each other, I was hurting and he was in a bad situation, but we helped each other, and he looks EXACTLY like Simon and Sebastian put together, a long haired like Sebastian and a tuxedo like Simon, I could not have designed a cat that looks more like you blended those two together so he is extra special to me, but that means the pain will be extra rough.....but I'll take it.

Hang in there, check those two things out it will help ease your mind.