Crippled With Grief At The Moment

[Claude]

This is my first post at this site. I felt the need to connect with other cat lovers during this most difficult time.

Yesterday, I suddenly had to make what has been the most difficult decision of my life. After my perfectly healthy 8 year-old female tabby Mogwai injured her spinal column (the exact cause is a mystery, but probably due to an awkward fall from somewhere), her hind legs were paralysed. She could only drag herself on the carpeted floor by digging her front claws and pulling herself forward.

I rushed her to the animal hospital at 5 am, where the prognosis given to me was terrible: Her legs were indeed paralysed due to a collapsed verterbrae, including most likely nerve damage in the spine. The costs for an MRI were well beyond what I could afford to spend ($5000 or more), and that would only give more precise information on her condition, not guarantee that she would ever walk normally again, let alone be able to jump, climb, and have the quality of life that she's always had. She had just turned 8 in June, which is middle-aged for a cat, but had never lost her zest for life, playfulness, and vitality. She was only slightly less energetic than she had been in her youth. Sweet and feisty in almost equal measure, but a gentle little soul at her core.

So not able to afford driving myself further into debt with thousands of dollars of costs that didn't guarantee any positive outcome, including expensive steroids that she would then have to take for perhaps months and not even able to go to her litter box by herself (I would've had to put her in her litter box and take her out each time), I asked the vet if the odds of her being normal again were good. His answer was no, he didn't believe so.

Already at almost $1000 for the costs of the emergency, 3 X-rays, sedation, etc., I was forced suddenly to make a decision to euthanize my beloved cat and only companion (I'm a single male living alone). I got a moment in private to say goodbye to her and that was it. My sweet Mogwai was put to sleep. I couldn't bring myself to stay and see her die, so I left the clinic in a state of shock.

I have since been crippled by grief and guilt (at not being willing to spend thousands and thousands of dollars that my low salary can ill afford). I hadn't cried in years, but I find myself now breaking down constantly. Luckily, I'm currently on vacation, so I don't have to go to work for a few weeks, which gives me time to hopefully get over the worst of my grief.

At this time, I don't feel like doing anything. I don't have much appetite. I'm pet-sitting 2 cats and a dog at my friends' house who are away on vacation. Part of the reason Mogwai had her tragic accident probably has a lot to do with not knowing her surroundings as well as she does at my home. I can't figure out where she may have fallen that could've caused this injury. Cats can normally emerge unscathed from falls from great heights. But there were no places that she had access to in this house which were that high up.

I'm crushed by grief, guilt, and not knowing what even caused her terrible injury.

 

[jefferd18]

What a beautiful girl she is. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved Jeff three months ago and there are days where I find it hard to go on. I understand your pain, the constant 'what ifs', and the guilt.

You did right by her. Your decision was based on your love for her and not on a selfish need to keep her in a life where she would be miserable.

Cats are limber animals who have spins that affords them much mobility, your baby would not be happy to live a life without the ability to move freely. Cats are also notoriously independent, so ask yourself, what kind of existence would Mogwai know when she would have to depend on you for everything. These little felines are full of pride, so we both know that Mogwai's self-esteem would be greatly reduced as you took her to the litter box and then had to clean her afterwords.


I am glad you are reaching out and I would also recommend getting grief therapy. Some of the things that have helped me: Writing down my feelings about Jeff in a journal, planting a tree in her name, having her portrait done, and helping other stray cats in her name.

Mogwai hasn't left you, my friend, you just can't see her at the moment. That will change one day and it will be like she never left.

 

[sivyaleah]

Claude, I'm so very sorry, losing Mogwai so suddenly is understandably shocking for you.

The first few days of losing a loved one, be it human or furry is a very difficult time period. Coming to terms with the loss, the feelings of guilt and losing the companionship you've come to know is a shock to the system in so many ways. I remember when my husband and I lost our old boy this past February, the first couple of days we walked around in a fog, it was a sense of complete enertia to do anything.

I do hope you know that you did the right thing letting her go, even though it was a difficult decision to make. We always have to weigh out everything when making these decisions. Quality of life is above and beyond the most important priority - and clearly Mogwai's life would not have been the life a cat would have been happy with. Nor you. Tending to a special needs cat is incredibly difficult; financially, emotionally, timewise and medically. The vet thankfully was honest with you - some, are not and give false hope.

I agree with Jeff, in that finding ways to honor Mogwai's life will help with the transition. Personally, we had Casper's paw print done, we have it in a small box and keep his old collar with it. We also had an artist paint a small portrait of him from a photo I took of him a while back. My husband, had several of his photos made into a small book too. At first, it was difficult to look at those things but over time, we so happy we decided to make those memories. Everyone moves through grief at different paces also - for me, maybe because I tend to be more reality based than my husband, I was ok about a month or so later (other than a moment or two here and there). But my husband, needed several more months to really feel more normal about losing him. It's now almost 6 months, and life is fine, as it should be. We now can talk about Casper with love, and jokes, and the memories don't pain us any longer.

You too, one day, will be able to do the same. But for now, let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. It's normal. But if it continues past a month or so and really is effecting you to the point where your life feels out of control because of it, seeing someone for some grief conseling would be a good thing to look into. And if anyone makes you feel bad saying "it's was just a cat" - well those people just don't know and haven't ever had the luck to have a wonderful pet in their lives yet - so come here, feel free to vent. We all know and empathize, and will listen.

 

[danteshuman]

I’m so sorry you had to let her go. I know it doesn’t seem like the right thing right now (because you just want her back in your arms!)


What helped me was : *forgiving myself for setting my bud Dante free. *It helped a ton to talk to him like he was here while petting the baby 3 month old kitten (I fostered him before my boy got sick.) Mainly I just tod him I missed him as I held Jackie & cried (& in my head told Jackie he could never measure up. ) * coming here to read other post. People here advised me to talk to my beloved Dante. Reading how everyone felt guilt (for putting their pet to sleep or not putting them to sleep or not trying/doing something else) helped me to forgive my self.

I hope this forum helps you!

 

[Maria Bayote]

Claude , I am so sorry for your loss. There was not much else you could do, but Mogwai knew that you did all that you could for her. She was loved by you, and that love will be carried by her until eternity.

Rest in eternal peace, Mogwai sweetheart. You will be deeply missed.

Until you meet again.

 

[Antonio65]

Claude, I'm sorry for the loss of your wonderful Mogwai, especially a so tragic and sudden one.
Don't feel guilty, you made Mogwai the last best present you could, you saved her from being unable to be a cat again. I'm sure that if she could have talked she would have asked you to let her go.

The pain you're feeling now, the sense of desperation, are so common in these cases.
Luckier people get over it in a few weeks, others take years or even some will never get over it.

As sivyaleah wrote, some people seem to walk and live in a fog, where nothing around can be seen clearly.
I'm still in this fog after nearly 29 months since the death of my sweet Lola. I am starting thinking I will never see the sun again.

RIP Mogwai, you were, are and will be loved.

 

[Claude]

Thanks very much for the kind words, everyone. Your comments truly help me feel a little bit better.

I envy those of you who believe in the so-called "Rainbow Bridge". For someone like me, who doesn't believe in an afterlife, the concept of death is even more painful since to me death REALLY means death----it is final and it is forever. I will never see my beloved little friend ever again.

I'm wondering: Have any of you had any insommia caused by your grief at some point? I have been having difficulty getting any sleep these past few days. Fatigue obviously doesn't help my state-of-mind at all.

 

[Antonio65]

I think that the fact you don't believe in an afterlife it doesn't mean there isn't.
Wouldn't be a wonderful surprise you could see your friend again regardless what you believe?

Yes, I had a few sleepless nights because of the grief and pain. And there have been days when I hadn't eaten too, or even when I didn't want to do anything.

 

[di and bob]

I have had a lot of sleepless nights brought on by the deaths of little ones I loved so much. i resorted to taking Benadryl to at least give me some relief.
What you are going through is natural and experienced by so many. It is called grief. You loved that little girl and now she is absent from yoru life, it is to be accepted you grieve about losing someone so improtant to your life, and it will take a long time to work through it. You will never 'get over' it, you learn to work through it, to make a new normal without her. The most important thing to remember is that her love will forever be in your heart. Your precious memories will be with you as long as you live. Do not dwell on her end, but focus on what she brought to your life, what she meant to you, you are so much richer for having known that sweet girl. To have never had her in your life at all would be unthinkable. True love means wanting only the best for the one you give that love to, think how you would want her to go on, how she should spend the rest of her life if you were the first to go. You would not want her to spend the rest of her life in pain, in grieving. You would want her to find happiness and joy once more in life. She wants no less for you, because that is what love is.....
"Death cannot take that which never dies" and you know in your heart her love will be with you forever. Your precious memories are a treasure. Your tribute to her tells of your love and concern, carry on her legacy of love by sharing it with others.
It helps to help others at a time like this. When my Chrissy died, I went to the shelter and paid for the adoption of the cat that had been there the longest. I did it in her name. It helps you to feel a little better about yourself. You are NOT alone. We're here to share your pain, a pain that is uniquely yours and yours alone, because it is YOUR love, a love like no other. But we can empathise, we can support you through it all, because we know your pain, we are legion.
Please accept my sincere condolences. I hug you and will tell you that time is the only thing that dulls the terrible pain. But it takes a long time to heal a broken heart. Take care of yourself......RIP beautiful Mogwai. You will never be forgotten, you will have a special place in a loving heart for eternity. Goodnight, sleep tight, precious Princess!

 

[Norachan]

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your beloved Mogwai this way.

I'm not a religious person either, I believe that this life is all we get.

Having said that, it sounds as if you did everything you could for your girl while she was here. You loved her and cared for her. You played with her and took delight in watching how much she enjoyed your games. And when she was injured and unable to play anymore you did the most loving thing you could do, you let her go without allowing her to suffer.

That counts for a lot. Every cat deserves to have someone who cares for them that much, but only the very lucky ones get it.

Just take things one day at a time Claude I know you're hurting now, but let the tears flow and little by little the pain will start to fade.

 

[danteshuman]

I agree, fostering can help heal your heart.

About the afterlife I drowned as a two year old and where I was going was a good place filled with peace and love. (so much so as an adult I often wonder why I choose to come back!) It was memory no one talked to me about until I brought it up as a 13 years old. I even recalled what I was wearing. Now you could doubt we have a soul but I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you die. Still if you do believe there is no soul, you can still take comfort in you did some good in the world by loving her and you will carry her memories with you forever. Please pay the love she gave you forward to a pregnant cat that needs a foster home or buying supplies (& toys) for the shelters cats/kittens or helping pay the medical bill for a sick shelter dog or helping a homeless person or a single mom.

I could sleep but I couldn’t look at Dante’s picture without crying for 3 months!!! (I rarely cry!) He died in the end of December and I’m just now figuring out what to do with his ashes (none of the urns felt right.)!

 

[Silver Crazy]

Claude I lost my best friend and buddy of 9 years New Years day this year and I was devastated like you. But on the day he was to be put down a friend of mine asked me to see a cat that was up for adoption and really needed a new home and someone to care for him.
I was overwhelmed in guilt even thinking of seeing another cat and felt in my grief I was betraying my best buddy on his last day. I explained this to the vet and she said "go"your best buddy has sent the word out you need a new friend.(She was very Irish)
I went and saw this cat and saw the way he was living and being treated and my heart went out and I brought him home.
It didnt take away the grief but filled the hole in my heart.
Somewhere out there when you are ready there is a little buddy for you that needs your help and a home.

 

[Claude]

It is turning out to be a blessing that I am pet-sitting for these next few weeks, helping out some longtime friends who are currently away. I'm taking care of two cats and a dog, all very sweet-tempered animals. I only realized tonight for the first time that it's good to feel needed. These animals need me for the next few weeks. They depend on me just like Mogwai did. At first it felt like a chore taking care of them while my own beloved pet is now gone, but it just took me a little time to realize how therapeutic it can be.

 

[Silver Crazy]

You got your hands full by the looks of it.
The best thing.

 

[sivyaleah]

Thanks very much for the kind words, everyone. Your comments truly help me feel a little bit better.

I envy those of you who believe in the so-called "Rainbow Bridge". For someone like me, who doesn't believe in an afterlife, the concept of death is even more painful since to me death REALLY means death----it is final and it is forever. I will never see my beloved little friend ever again.

I'm wondering: Have any of you had any insommia caused by your grief at some point? I have been having difficulty getting any sleep these past few days. Fatigue obviously doesn't help my state-of-mind at all.

Claude - I do not believe in an afterlife either. In fact, when I came here to write about Casper I specifically requested people to kindly not refer to this in my post. Everyone respected my wishes (note to community - many thanks for that).

The finality of death is part of the ebb and flow of all things eventually. We focused on the memories, our love for Casper, the wonderful life we gave him while he was with us and the knowledge that we, did everything possible to keep him comfortable, healthy as possible, happy and safe while he was with us. We have little control over certain aspects of what happens in life; other things we can control when we have time and finances to do so but there is no shame in not being able to either. Knowing your limits and, knowing your cats limits is equally important.

Some people can be with their pet until their final breath, some not. Neither is right or wrong. My husband left the room right before Casper received the injection that stopped his heart. He couldn't bear seeing him go before his eyes. I, stayed in the room feeling that I wanted to be with him, to keep him company in those final moments whether or not he knew I was there is another matter but for me, it gave a finality to see him pass. And, I was able to let my husband know that it was peaceful - which was what he feared would not happen.

We kept Casper going for several years with the help of a good medical team, good medical protocols and the ability to pay for it. But, had one of those been taken out of the mix - his quality of life would have suffered greatly much sooner. But when a cat such as yours has a sudden, devastating injury the only humane thing to do is put them out of their misery. I'd take comfort in knowing that I was selfless enough to let her go, putting her needs before my own, at those final moments as painful as it would be for myself.

To your question, yes, grief can cause insommia for sure. Especially the first days afterward. Any shock to your system can do this. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself; eat healthy, maybe lay off the caffeine for a few days if you enjoy it, don't push yourself to partake of too many activities that overwind your system. Take naps - they can restore and refresh from the lost sleep at night; we found that quite helpful those first days.

 

[jefferd18]

Thanks very much for the kind words, everyone. Your comments truly help me feel a little bit better.

I envy those of you who believe in the so-called "Rainbow Bridge". For someone like me, who doesn't believe in an afterlife, the concept of death is even more painful since to me death REALLY means death----it is final and it is forever. I will never see my beloved little friend ever again.

I'm wondering: Have any of you had any insommia caused by your grief at some point? I have been having difficulty getting any sleep these past few days. Fatigue obviously doesn't help my state-of-mind at all.

I have never been a religious person by any means but I do believe that death is just a beginning, whether it be reincarnation, natural afterlife, another dimension, etc.--energy goes on. I have just seen too much in my life to know that science (which I completely respect), does not always have the answer. When I first met Jeff seven years ago I was struck by how comfortable I felt around her, like we had met before.

You had a deep respect and love for Mogwai, and she for you. And that is something that not even death, my friend, can ever take away.

 

[will2002]

Very sorry for your loss. You made the best possible decision that could be made in an awful situation. That is the best any human can do.

You have so much to give to other cats and kittens. I hope you will find the will, and a way to continue to do so.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Mogwai, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Since you do not believe in an afterlife, I will not speak of that. What I will say is that you made the most unselfish decision that a person can ever make...you allowed your girl to leave this world with some dignity, rather than keep her with you, locked into a life that was only half a life. At some point in the future, perhaps you can consider rescuing a cat in desperate need. It would be a lovely way to honor the love you had and have for Mogwai.

Try not to dwell too much on the "how." She was, as you said, an active cat. There would have been NOTHING you could have done to prevent this, not without curtailing her freedom and stunting her joy in life. You did everything right, including giving her your heart.

My heart with yours.

 

[Claude]

Thanks again so much, everyone. Your comments have been like a balm for my broken heart.

Two days have now passed since that terrible morning, and I'm coping a little bit better. I still don't have much interest in doing anything. It's beautiful weather outside and I sometimes go sit on the balcony. I was intending to catch up on my reading during my holidays, but so far I don't feel like doing so.

I have been watching short videos of Mogwai I had made throughout her life, most of which with my iPhone which have very nice picture quality (1080p). This certainly helps. Very glad I was planning ahead all those years, recording memories for the future. I now have 37 (!) videos of her I can watch anytime I like. It's comforting to know that I don't have to rely on my memory alone to remember her in the future---I have her recorded being affectionate, being playful, doing that little whiny meow which meant "I'm bored, come over and pet me", her purr, lots of videos of her lounging in her favorite chair, on the couch, etc. The latest video was filmed on July 3rd, just 11 days before her death.

 

[les26]

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss, it is one of the worst things we will experience as pet owners but it sadly is the price that we pay for all of the good times too. Then let me tell you that years ago we had the same thing happen to us, Sassy, who was about 12 or so and still active did something that we'll never know, but Deb woke me up and said "Sassy can't move her back legs", so in a snow and ice storm we drove her on a Sunday to a 24 hour clinic where they did an MRI and said that she had a herniated disc and that she would probably have a 60% of walking again if we operated, so we did, and let me tell you it was AWFUL, she had to wear diapers, we had to perform therapy on her, took her to therapy, she lived in a big dog cage but we clung to hope that she with time would walk again but she didn't, and we sadly realized that the time was near to put her down, and when they injected her she went peacefully, she was ready, and my wife Deb still to this day says "I feel terrible that we put her through that" but I tell her that we had to try, and 60% chance to walk was good, but it didn't work. So don't beat yourself up too much over not doing it, it might have turned out like what we dealt with, and she is fine now just fine just like Sassy and all the rest of them and we will see them again one day and it will be wonderful....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry for your loss, you did all that you could with what you had, she knows that and there are no regrets, she is fine now and one day you will be too.

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......