I really need some support right now.

katspixiedust · Sep 28, 2005

My friend ended up not spending the night last night, but I did manage to sleep. This morning has been the worst though. I'm still in that phase where all I want is for things to go back to the way they were. It just hurts so much everytime I realize that I have no idea when I'm going to see him again. He had told me when we broke up that he would talk to me in a few days, and now I'm just wondering when that will be. I know he'll want to just talk on IM, but I'm not going to let that happen. It's not fair for him to not have to at least hear my voice, and so much is misinterpreted when done over the computer. I'm just still in so much shock and I just really miss having him around. He wasn't just my boyfriend of so many years but he was one of my best friends. Apparently he hasn't really been telling anyone. The only friend that knew was his roommate. One of our mutual friends came over last night and he had no idea what had happened, and he had even been at his place earlier that day for dinner! Once my friends and I told him he told us that at the dinner table Brendan had said something about being in a really hard place or something like that, but that he wouldn't continue on saying it wasn't appropriate for the dinner table. It just sounds like he's so confused and so am I! I just want some clarity and answers as to why he would drop a 3.5 year relationship over something like this. I mean according to him he's in a weird place and a tough spot...none of this makes sense to me. Thanks again for your support,and thank you for just letting me get all of this out on here.

miss mew · Sep 28, 2005

Sorry to hear that you are having another bad day. The way it sounds he's also very upset too. I hope that you two are able to talk things through.

rockcat · Sep 28, 2005

Katherine, thanks for checking in with us. I was just about to ask how you were today.
It really helps to have people around when your heart is heavy. When my ex-husband left me it helped a lot when my friends could stay. Sorry your friend couldn't stay last night. It might sound crazy (no - not here it won't), but Oliver was a great comfort. We both missed my ex and it helped to be with each other.
Maybe you and Waffle can do the same for each other.

rosiemac · Sep 28, 2005

Awww Katherine!

Whatever you do don't ring him and start asking why?, because that'll just push him further away

Are you sure his friend didn't know anything when he went to dinner?!.

And i agree with Rockcat because when me and my bf split Rosie made it a pleasure to come home, so take comfort from Waffle

katspixiedust · Sep 28, 2005

Originally Posted by rosiemac

Awww Katherine!

Whatever you do don't ring him and start asking why?, because that'll just push him further away

Are you sure his friend didn't know anything when he went to dinner?!.

And i agree with Rockcat because when me and my bf split Rosie made it a pleasure to come home, so take comfort from Waffle

I'm positive that he didn't know. A couple of his other friends have told me that he's really not talked about it at all. I don't understand that. Why has he been keeping it to himself? I just wish I had the comfort of knowing that he's having a hard time without me as well, and that he misses me. I miss him so much and it just hurts to not know what he's feeling. It almost seems like there's a part of him that would want to be with me, but then a bigger part that's telling him he should just be alone. When he broke up with me he told me that he only wanted to have to think about today, and not tomorrow, and of course in a relationship you have to consider tomorrow. I just miss having him by my side.

fwan · Sep 28, 2005

i just want to put my two cents worth , ben hasnt been home for days now, and teufel is missing him like crazy, he will sleep in his chair, meow around sleep in his bed sometimes i think he is taking it harder than i am

rosiemac · Sep 28, 2005

When me and my bf split i couldn't understand or get to know the real reason myself, but i knew his mother was involved in it because his family lived 400 mile away and they hated him being where i was.

The last thing i said to him was "have you never thought about us?!", and his words were " Susan thats all i've been doing! ", and thats all i wanted to hear because i know he'll never forget me just as i won't him because we had some good times together.

I know i'm a strong person but i am human at the end of the day so it still upset me because we were together for 5 years, but i would never beg him or any man to stay, and i know you havent, but thats why i'm asking you not to ring him.

Your grieving, and i bet you feel like he's died because thats what a breakup is similar too.

Trust me Katherine, whatever happens you will get through this i promise you

blueberrybeth · Sep 28, 2005

Sounds like the man is working through some STUFF! I agree with what others have said - don't call, don't IM, nothing if you can help it. He needs to think this through, and really get a feeling of what life without you is. I wonder sometimes if we make ourselves too available it does just push them away...

I was listening to the radio this morning about some sort of book on survivng breakups. The author of this book said no contact for 60 days - it will help save face and give you a chance to detox, if that is what you need to do. Let him find you, since he is the one with some sort of crisis.

Now, I do realize that you want to be understanding and you just want him back, but think about this...a good life partner deals with issues WITH you, not alone! If he does come back and he does this again, it's a red flag. You are not responsible for his actions nor are you responsible for understanding everything he's going through all the time - he also needs to understand that you are hurting and that he hurt you badly by running. If he does not get it, then he is not for you.

I am the queen of running...my husband put that to a stop quick when he made me aware of how hellish it was for him to be left in my dust!

Please do not think that I am dissing you or your ex or anybody. I think sometimes we "feeling" people have a hard time advocating for ourselves.
Like I said before, you have to love yourself as well as others, equally.

Beth

malakai711 · Sep 28, 2005

I'm sending you a PM right now!

gilly · Sep 28, 2005

Kat

Sorry for being so late in my reply.... I am sorry to hear of your news

Take care. I don't have much advice because it's only happened to me once...

lillekat · Sep 28, 2005

Hey sweetie - you know sometimes all a relationship needs is a little "down-time" just to balance the equilibrium a bit. Rune and I have been together for 4 years... perhaps a little longer and even though it was a distance relationship, we had a whole year's down-time. And that sorted things out. Perhaps you're right in saying that this has come as a surprise for him as well - even though it seems he's been doing a lot of thinking. Perhaps the thinking has just tipped that balance a bit. Take some time to kick back and relax and have some "you" time. If you can both do that, maybe the air will clear. Chin up babe,

tari · Sep 28, 2005

Katherine, sorry you're having a rough day today. I agree with the others...don't call him or anything. You both need some time apart from each other just now. Talking at this point will probably only make things worse...he's confused and you're hurt...no good can come of that. Give him some space to figure things out and yourself some time for the raw wounds to heal over a bit before you try to make any sense of it.

He may not be telling anyone because he's not sure WHAT he's doing or what he wants just now. I know that my hubby didn't tell anyone what was going on when we split up...not even his parents. In fact, a friend's father died and we attended the funeral together as if everything was still OK. He didn't want anyone to know, and I went along with it ONLY because our friend did not deserve to have our problems intruding on his grief.

katspixiedust · Sep 28, 2005

You guys are so great, and your words really are so encouraging. Right now I'm dying to know when he's going to contact me, but at the same time I'm scared that when he does he might be cold to me like he was when he broke up with me because he wants to save face and be strong. All I know is that he said he'd talk to me "in a few days." I also can't help but worry about him, something all of my friends and loved ones keep getting aggravated with me for, because I know the friends he has now are likely to try to get him wasted out of his mind every night to keep his thoughts away from it.

Tomorrow I'll be heading home to my parents for the night, and then returning to Orlando to teach my group ex class on Friday. I'm not sure what my plan is for Friday yet, but I know I really don't want to be alone for more than a few minutes. My mom will be coming back on Saturday though because I definitely need to have someone sleeping with me Saturday night - the night Brendan used to spend the night.

I know I'll get through this, though right now it doesn't seem possible, I'm just struggling so much because literally a week ago Brendan pointed out a picnic spot we had picked out for when it cooled down here and had even been talking about what to get me for Christmas! This whole thing is just insane and after being such big parts of each others lives I can't bear to think of my life without him as an integral part.

I'm sorry for the continual whining but it really helps me so much to get these feelings out there, and you guys are so incredibly helpful and comforting.

miss mew · Sep 28, 2005

Whenever you need to talk...feel free to babble away!!, it's very good for you to get all of those feelings out in the open..plus all of us are concerned about you and want to know how you are doing.

valanhb · Sep 28, 2005

It's not whining.

It's finding words to express what you feel, and sometimes that is one of the hardest parts.

Susan is right, a break up is like a mini-death. We go through the same stages of grief. But in all of it, we do come out stronger on the other side even if it takes longer than we would ever like.

wellingtoncats · Sep 28, 2005

Aw Katherine, big hugs for you. Be strong chick!

katspixiedust · Sep 29, 2005

Brendan just called me to see how I'm doing. It was incredibly hard for me to talk to him, but at least I have some more information and I know more about how he's feeling. He told me that he's really been missing me and has cried. He asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was surviving, and when I asked him the same question he replied, "About the same." He told me that even though nothing was wrong in our relationship and that even though he was still attracted to me and thought I was still the prettiest girl he knows and everything, that something inside him had just changed and he for some reason wasn't as fully there as he used to be. He said that he doesn't want me out of his life by any means, but that we shouldn't see each other for a while because it would be too hard right now. He wants to be my friend, and at the moment I can't imagine ever just being friends. There's a part of me that wants to be around him right now because I don't want to make it easy on him. I don't want him to get over me. I asked him if he ever thought that we would get back together, and he said that he didn't know. He didn't want to say no because it could happen, and he didn't want to say because he doesn't want to get my hopes up. I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and he told me that this hasn't been easy on him either. I asked him if he thought it was going to take a long time to get over me, and he said that he thought that it owuld. He told me that he still has our pictures up and that he likes looking at them. I just still can't imagine my life without him. Completing even the simplest tasks feels like such a chore to me right now and my motivation is just down the tubes. I know it's normal to feel this way, but all I want is for us to be back the way we were. I can't keep thinking like that, I know, because it won't ever be the same...but right now it kills me to think of all of the things that we won't be doing anymore. He wasn't just my boyfriend but my best friend, and I can't imagine either of us finding anyone better suited. I'm glad to have talked to him, but I'm still wondering how long it's oging to take before I feel like I can function right again.

coolcat · Sep 29, 2005

Originally Posted by katspixiedust

I feel like I can function right again.

...

....I canÂ´t change the things Kath...but IÂ´m here to listen to you.....

.....God bless you and Brendan too...

blueberrybeth · Sep 29, 2005

Katherine - hang in there!! You are doing great, considering the circumstances. Many of us have been in your shoes (to some extent), and it hurts for a long time, regardless of the outcome. Just keep eating and sleeping and talking, dear. It also may be good sometimes to keep busy and get your mind off of it a bit. Eventually "normal" will readjust itself - just give yourself time.

May I suggest a big bowl of macaroni and cheese? Fabulous comfort food ( I like to say the massive amounts of sodium in m&c helps you recover all the salt from your tears...but I'm always looking for an excuse!)

Keep us posted. I am honored that you are sharing this difficult time with all of us.

Beth

consumerkitty · Sep 29, 2005

Katherine, I'm sending lots and lots of comfort vibes your way. I know how painful it is when the love of your life suddenly decides he wants to separate. You are in my prayers and I hope happiness will return to you soon.

I really need some support right now.

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