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I'm sorry - Page 2

post #31 of 42
Thread Starter 
I'm okay now -- and I'm sorry again, for worrying you. When I posted last night, I was pretty much out of my mind. I guess I was afraid some of you might be thinking the same things that certain people here have been saying...I felt compelled to just throw out a blanket apology to the world at large, and the post was part of that.

Just a few minutes after I posted, my phone rang. It was Pookie-Poo, who had my phone number -- I can't remember why, but I'm glad she did -- and we talked for over two hours. She made me believe that I was not so much at fault as I felt, and she also led me around to some good solid ideas for what might be going on and how I might be able to handle things better. It can't have been a pleasant way for her to spend her evening, but by golly, she was there for me.

And late last night, I came back here thinking I would delete my post... but I saw this outpouring of care and kindness and wisdom and practical help, and I was just overwhelmed... I couldn't respond right then. But I want to now:

Brandi, thank you so much for your PM -- I read it last night, and it's so sweet.

Taterbug, yes, I'm so glad I went to the festival. It was no hardship at all, because the particular artists my father loved are just wonderful, and I genuinely love them too. Our favorite, Ed Miller (, has become a friend, and he was going to come play a house concert for my father when he got so sick... but Papa just went so fast, it never happened. But Ed did all my father's favorites yesterday, and afterward, he hugged me and said, "Your papa was listening, I could almost see him beside you." So even though I cried the whole time, it was very healing for me... the hurting part came later, when I tried to tell someone about it, which was a mistake.

Hurdyburdy, thank you... that's very good to hear.

Natalie_ca, you're so right, I did need to talk to someone (thank goodness for Pookie), and I'm sure I will again. Your post reminds me that the hospice people who helped take care of my father also provide ongoing grief counseling for the families of their patients -- I hadn't thought of that. It might be that their counselor would have some helpful insight. I will call them tomorrow. Thank you!

Lunasmom, yes, I think celebrating my father's life is going to be the key for me internally -- especially music, which was something he and I always shared. I remember when I was a kid, I would put a songbook on the piano and my father would grab his guitar and stand with one foot on the piano bench, and we would plow through all sorts of music. One of our best numbers, believe it or not, was the Beatles' "Well, she was just seventeen / You know what I mean..." Nobody else understood our silliness, but we had a lot of fun.

Kaylacat, I think you're right about the anxiety attacks -- amazing how I can recognize those symptoms when others talk about them, but can't see them in myself. We do have some Xanax in the house... Mom and I both took it during the first two weeks after Papa passed. If I have another attack this bad, I will take some. Thank you for that reminder.

Babyharley and KittenKrazy, bless your hearts -- right back atcha.

Sandtigress, thank you... you and others here have proven that time and again.

Worriedmommy, your prayers are so deeply appreciated. Thank you so much.

Msjazz2u, yes, we all have these times, it's true... but most people seem to be better at handling them than I am. I'm sorry to need so much support, but gosh, I'm so grateful for it!

Beck4582, yes, I'm sure now that Papa was with me in spirit at the festival. That was one of the gifts Pookie-Poo gave me last night when we talked -- I had felt that I'd had a little sign from Papa at the festival, but when I tried to tell someone about it, I was ridiculed, and I lost my faith in it, y'know? But Pookie listened and understood and assured me that it sure sounded like a sign to her... so I feel like I have that gift back now.

Thezookeeper, I'm so sorry about your grandma. And I so understand -- it was difficult caring for my father, too, and he also had Alzheimer's (midstage). It took all my energy, all my emotional capacity, everything I had to take care of him -- and just like you, I wish so hard that I could still be doing it. Thank you so much for that link, it looks like a lovely place... and especially for that quote about grief being the price of love. That's as true as anything I know.

Pat & Alix, thank you for your supportiveness. You're right, this has been complicated a bit by the surgery and its aftermath... I've been having all sorts of pains, and I don't know whether they're from the surgery or from the emotional distress. But I'm seeing my surgeon for my first "fill" on Tuesday (tightening the band to create more restriction), and I'll ask him about everything then.

Sharky, thank you... it's so good of you to be comforting me when you're dealing with a loss of your own.

Mom of 4, that's amazing -- I live here, and I didn't know about that! Thank you so much for your ingenuity... I will go and see them if these attacks continue. I hope to get a job again in the next several weeks, but even if I'm able to get insurance, it won't be for months yet... so it's wonderful to know about that resource. Thank you!

Luvmycat, thank you... to you too.

Cococat, such a lovely thing to say... thank you, hon. That means a lot to me.

Greycat2, thank you, hon... your vibes are much appreciated.

Lillekat, thank you for reminding me to breathe! You're so right about the effect of deep breathing... I forget, in the midst of crisis. And bless you for being one of those good people with a lantern.

Carwashcats, you've been through so much -- thank you for sharing that experience. I'm so glad you and your little guy got some help. And I know what you mean about memory -- mine has been completely shot since this happened. You hang in there, too.

Mews2much, bless your dad's heart, and yours. I'm sorry it still hurts so much.

Jcat, thank you for your insights... and for reminding me that all those experiences are still with me. Papa used to say "Nobody is really dead as long as there's someone who remembers," and now I understand why that was such an important idea for him... he was keeping his own lost loved ones alive by remembering and talking about them. I will always do the same for him, as long as I can find someone who'll listen.

Theimp98, thank you... especially for acknowledging the anger. Anger is a hard thing to feel on top of sorrow, and I think it's what took me down last night -- anger that Papa is gone, and anger that some of the people who ought to understand best won't try to understand at all. Thank you so much.

Eilcon, yes, I guess we all grieve a little differently, and that's where verything went wrong last night. It would be so nice if those of us who have shared a loss could help each other, but if we're not on the same page, it just can't happen. Thank you for that thought.

Katachtig, thank you so much. I do believe there's vital role for antidepressants to play in some people's lives, but not as a way to gloss over legitimate emotions -- only as a way to survive and cope better. I believe I'm basically coping in a reasonable way... but every time I get emotional, that angry accusation is thrown at me, that I'm behaving abnormally and need my antidepressants. Well... both may be true, I don't know... but neither helps in the moment. Thank you for understanding.

Trouts mom, thank you, that's so sweet of you.

CheshireCat, I think that's true... and I do feel like I'm on the right track within myself. It's just when I try to talk with others, certain others in my "real" life... it's sad to say, but I think I need to just keep this to myself, and you guys.

I've had so much to thank you all for lately... I wish I could find new and better ways of saying it, but all I can say is that I love you all. Thank you for being here. This is such a special place.

post #32 of 42
please dont apologize for greiving. It is something we are supposed to do and everyone does it differently. You know we are always here to help you make sense of it.
post #33 of 42
Honey, I'm so glad you were able to talk to someone and feel better now. Don't ever feel like you have to apologize to us. As you could tell from the posts, a lot of us have lost someone close so we know what you are going through and know its a roller coaster.

After my mom died, I honestly didn't know who I was. I spent 1 1/2 years caring for her full time, and after she passed I was lost. It took me 2 months to actually call and have her hospital bed taken out of the dinning room, and it was over a year before I could bring myself to start cleaning out the house and put it up for sale. I also was extremely anti-social after her death...I didn't want to do anything. My then boyfriend, now husband, didn't understand at the time. We would go out and I would have panic attacks (sounds like what you are having) where my heart pounded, I had problems breathing, and just felt claustrophobic. Normally, I would end up in tears for no apparent reason....except I was still grieving. When his father died suddenly of a heart attack the next year, he finally understood my need to be alone and need for space. He had major anxiety attacks and started taking Xanax. They really helped him by taking the edge off (before he started taking them, he punched a wall and broke his give you an idea of how bad he was).

Basically, there is no time frame for grieving. It's not like you broke your leg and it should be healed in 6-8 wks. That is what some people think it should be like, but those people have never gone through it. It actually sounds like you are dealing with things pretty well, believe it or not. Your whole life has to be readjusted and that isn't easy and it definitely doesn't happen overnight.

If you ever need to talk, vent, know we are all here and love you.
post #34 of 42
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post

If you ever need to talk, vent, know we are all here and love you.
You know. thats one of the great things about this forum, is like a large, extended, caring family.
post #35 of 42
Oh Carol.... Please don't ever apologize for how you feel. I know that everything you are feeling, I already do, but it will only intensify when they are gone.

It's only a matter of time. Sometimes things happen in life that you just don't ever plan for and it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Then there is the phase of denial and anger and sadness.

How do you move on? Do you live in grief and sorrow? Or do you go on living like your dad would have wanted you to?

Your dad was very blessed to have you and your family. Don't ever feel guilty for doing something for you. You did all you possibly could have and he couldn't have asked for more.

You are going to have these raw emotions for some time. You will never forget but as time goes on, you will be able to remember the good times. Go and do some of the things your dad liked to do with your mom.

You can always PM me if you need someone.

P.S. Enjoy your concert tonight!!!
post #36 of 42
Rainbows and chocolate make great anti-depressants.

post #37 of 42
I agree with everyone, NEVER apologise for feeling low. We all go through our bad patches and getting ourselves back up again is what makes us stronger.

You know you have plenty of people to talk to here
post #38 of 42
Carol, I missed your post earlier, but I'm so glad to see you're feeling somewhat better now. The healing process will take time, and you have nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry your friend isn't being particularly supportive, but you have other venues for that, including us. I hope that you do call the Hospice people about their grief support as well. My MIL and SIL did that after my FIL died, and it was very helpful for them.
post #39 of 42
Carol, dear, please don't apologize for having perfectly normal human feelings. As a very special, very wise friend once said, "It takes as long as it takes" -- it applies to many situations, but none more than grieving. You know we're here for you and understand that you will have "fragile" times.
post #40 of 42
Originally Posted by Thezookeeper View Post

"Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the price of love."
That's just so beautiful, and so true.

Carol, you don't need to apologize for your grief: every one of us have been there, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You loved your Papa very much, and you've suffered a big loss. You are only human..

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time in your grief & loss..

post #41 of 42
Thread Starter 
Aw, thank you so much, you guys. Your support has done so much for me in these past couple of days. Without betraying anyone here in my "real life," let me clarify something -- I think I made it sound like it was my friend Rush who was upsetting me, and that's not the case. The upset is occurring within my own family, which I guess is part of why it hurts so much.

But today, when the issue arose again, I caught myself and handled it differently... and it went a little better, and I was able to stay calm. So that's a big step forward, and it was your moral support that allowed me to be stronger, and I thank you all so much.

And Duchess, my dear, oh how I did indeed enjoy the Michael Buble concert last night! It was exactly what I needed -- three hours of total immersion in pure, uncomplicated FUN! Let me start a new, happier thread to tell about it...
post #42 of 42
You didn't make it sound like Rush was a problem. Instead, it sounded like you didn't want to add to his problems by leaning too much on him.

I'm glad you had a good time at the concert.
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