Very Needy Cat - Please Help

[sh1r33n]

I need some cat behavior help.  I recently adopted a very sweet cat to help with my own Depression/Anxiety issues as a little companion.  I found a lady who had 3 cats and felt that this cat probably preferred to be an only-cat so was looking to find a good home for her.

 This cat is definitely very sweet and affectionate but she is also incredibly needy and almost helpless without me.  I play with her (using Da Bird or a shoe-lace) at least 3 times a day for about 10-15 minutes each depending on my schedule that day.  However, if she had her way, I would be waving a string around for the entire day.  Today I think I played with her a good 6 times to stop the yowling so I could wash a dish or fold a sweater or two.  I have toys for her to play with as well as a cat-tree but she refuses to play by herself.  She used to play a teeny-bit by herself (but only if the toys were shaped like mice and had cat-nip in them...could not be a cat-nip banana or tea-bag shape) but now she almost acts as if she either has no idea what to do with them or like she cannot see them.  I've even hung some of the little mice-toys she likes on string around the house because I swear I saw her bat at them a few times before.  But she hardly sees them.  (And before you tell me that hanging string is dangerous, I know.  I would rather have a cat that is happy/entertained with a shorter life than a cat with increasingly concerning social behavioral issues.  At the end of the day, it's a cat.).  I know she clearly is bored and waiting for me to somehow entertain her despite the fact that nothing is interesting enough to her...expect of course unless I'm moving it on a string.  I'm happy to do that but I also would like to take a few minutes to pee, read a book, or remove a shirt from the floor (seriously, it's that bad).  If I have a full day at home, I often deal with this by holding a string or Da Bird toy with me and wash one dish then twirl toy around, wash a second dish, twirl around, empty trash, twirl toy, take trash out to garbage, twirl toy, email client, twirl toy....all...day...long.  Let's just say, not a whole lot gets done.  it gets worst if I need to tweeze my eye-brows, floss my teeth or tweeze a splinter out.  She either does some variation of the whiney meow or she just sits and watches me as she's waiting for me to do something to entertain her.  She also does follow me around quite a bit and even wakes up from her nap if I get up to leave the room.

 I have taken her to the vet and did blood-tests and she came out just fine.  I've tried those laser toys that move on their own but she's only interested in them about 10% of the time.  I would love to get another cat or cat-friendly dog to keep her stimulated but her previous owner said she seemed irritated and unhappy living with other cats.  She consulted a cat-behavioralist to determine this.  Plus, I simply can't afford another pet right now.  I did try two versions of the feli-way anti-anxiety stuff: I tried the spray which she hated and the collar which she also hated.  Both seemed to just make her pissy.  I haven't tried the plug-in so can't say for that.  I haven't tried the chews because they only come in chicken flavor which she won't touch.  

I know that when I leave for work/errands she doesn't do anything "fun" on her own despite having toys, tunnels and windows to explore.  She really just spends the hours either sitting by the door waiting or sleeping under my bed.  I can definitely hear her "whine/cry" as I lock the door too.  To be honest, I've actually never heard her "happy" or "neutral" meow.  I've only ever heard her whiny, crying or demanding meow.  I have heard her purr up a storm when she's on my lap or when I come home but I just wish she could be content or happy with her life somehow.  

Before you make this comment, please know that I do play with her multiple times per day and probably more often than most cats want or need.  She has been to the vet.  I feed her only wet food.  She refuses to drink water but that's why I stick to the wet food.  She has so many toys and most of the stereotypical toys that most cats love, she could care less.  Balls don't do it, milk-cap rings don't do it, even condensed cat-nip toys don't really do it.  

Any advice to get her to play with her toys on her own?  Obviously, I don't want to avoid playing with her and giving her affection but I do want her to be able to entertain herself while I'm busy doing something else.   She's not a scaredy-cat.  She's quite confident and trusting to the point where she lets me rub her belly and feel like she might eventually be a good cat for a dog to coexist with...in the future.  I can turn on the vacuum cleaner, fan or blender and she doesn't even finch.

 

[boney girl dad]

Welcome to TCS. What is your kitty's name? Sounds like you have won her affections and that's good. Conditions are new for her and will take some time to adjust to her new life. These are good times. Someone here will have tips for you.

 

[pusheen]

Welcome! Do you know what, specifically, made her original owner decide she needed to be an only cat? This doesn't sound like the behavior of a cat that enjoys being by herself. But if she really didn't get along with her buddies it may be that you just have a very vocal cat. What makes you think she's bored?

Also, as a side note, I have to say your comment here (And before you tell me that hanging string is dangerous, I know.  I would rather have a cat that is happy/entertained with a shorter life than a cat with increasingly concerning social behavioral issues.  At the end of the day, it's a cat.) is a little concerning. She's a cat, but her life still has value, and the suggestion that endangering her life to make your life easier is okay because she's just a cat is ... wrong. I think you're just feeling frustrated right now and searching for any solution, but cats aren't always easy. As someone with depression/anxiety, I have actually worked with and fostered cats who have made me feel much worse. Even now, when I have found a very mellow, sweet cat to be my companion, he is dealing with some bad allergies that I haven't been able to find a solution for. It's frustrating and that ramps up my anxiety, but by adopting this cat I made a promise to be responsible for his health and welfare, and that means slowly working to help my kitty's health even when I am more stressed than I've ever been. So, hang in there, don't give up, and try to take down those strings if they pose a threat to your buddy.

 

[Primula]

Also, as a side note, I have to say your comment here (And before you tell me that hanging string is dangerous, I know.  I would rather have a cat that is happy/entertained with a shorter life than a cat with increasingly concerning social behavioral issues.  At the end of the day, it's a cat.) is a little concerning. She's a cat, but her life still has value, and the suggestion that endangering her life to make your life easier is okay because she's just a cat is ... wrong. I think you're just feeling frustrated right now and searching for any solution, but cats aren't always easy. As someone with depression/anxiety, I have actually worked with and fostered cats who have made me feel much worse. Even now, when I have found a very mellow, sweet cat to be my companion, he is dealing with some bad allergies that I haven't been able to find a solution for. It's frustrating and that ramps up my anxiety, but by adopting this cat I made a promise to be responsible for his health and welfare, and that means slowly working to help my kitty's health even when I am more stressed than I've ever been. So, hang in there, don't give up, and try to take down those strings if they pose a threat to your buddy.

Terrific comment.

 

[sh1r33n]

Her name is Blaire.  I've had her for about 3 months now.  

As far as the string goes - I haven't seen it pose a danger to her.  I made that comment because I knew the safety police would be after me for doing that.  I also know there will be a few people who will assume that I'm not giving her enough attention or affection simply by writing this...which is why I also made that comment in the post as well.  There's going to be some of you who assume that I'm not taking responsability for her or making enough adjustments to my home and life to make my cat more comfortable and safe.  Let's please get beyond those assumptions.  I do realize that cats have value but I also don't want to turn into a cat-lady.  It would be nice if my boyfriend could come over and not feel like the third wheel or step-dad to my cat.  It would also be nice if my cat could find activities that make her happy when I can't play with her or cuddle with her.  If she were content to just be a "lazy" cat gazing out the window then I wouldn't be so concerned about her inactivity.  But she has made it pretty clear to me that she's bored despite not being interested in all of the toys she has around and the play-time I do give her.  I do sometimes feel like she has kitty depression...or like nothing is ever enough.

Is there something I can do to help her be less dependent on me for her play-time or entertainment?  I know I do have to play with her and give her attention but there's got to be something to help her for the other 20 hours in the day.  

 

[neely]

 
Her name is Blaire.  I've had her for about 3 months now.  

As far as the string goes - I haven't seen it pose a danger to her.  I made that comment because I knew the safety police would be after me for doing that.  I also know there will be a few people who will assume that I'm not giving her enough attention or affection simply by writing this...which is why I also made that comment in the post as well.  There's going to be some of you who assume that I'm not taking responsability for her or making enough adjustments to my home and life to make my cat more comfortable and safe.  Let's please get beyond those assumptions. 

Please don't assume that someone will criticize you, the people I have experienced on this forum are very helpful and supportive.  That being said, Blaire is a beautiful name, would love to see a pic or 2 when you have a chance.  One thing I don't think you mentioned is Blaire's age, how old is she?  Some cats are extremely playful when young and calm down a bit after the age of 5 or 6 yrs. old.  Also, just because the previous owner said she consulted a cat behaviorist and that Blaire would be unhappy around other cats may or may not be true  Is it possible the other 2 cats bonded and did not accept Blaire?  Regardless, you mentioned not being able to afford another companion at this time and I can completely understand.  

It sounds like you have done a remarkable job trying to provide her with interactive toys, etc.  I've had many cats over the years and have to confess all had different personalities from very playful to very calm.  I think if you feel you have sufficiently played and exhausted her energy then you are entitled to a little "me" time of your own and can ignore attempts to engage her in activity.  Perhaps try to lengthen the time between her play sessions and you getting work done, hopefully persistence will pay off in the end.  If any other members have suggestions I'm sure they will be glad to help.

 

[detroitcatlady]

Having a very needy cat of my own, I know how it is. The best thing I think would be to find her a playmate. It sounds to me that she is lonely or bored and could use a kitty companion. You have done wonderfully giving her a loving home and trying to make her happy. But there really is no replacement for a kitty companion. My very needy cat Shadow has 3 other cats to keep her company and she still prefers to play with me. She won't play by herself and having other cats gives her something to do when I am busy or not home. I can't imagine what it would be like if she was home and had no other cats to keep her company, I think she would go nuts. Many cats do. Some cats do better by themselves but a cat that is used to being in a house with many cats is likely to get bored easily or be very very lonely.

 

[sh1r33n]

Ideally, I would love to add a cat-friendly dog to the home and/or a second cat but right now I simply can't afford a second pet.  It is possible my cat probably just didn't get along with the two specific cats she was living with.  Also, I've noticed cats are often susceptible to believing the grass is greener on the other side.  It's possible she thought she didn't like her cat companions but now is realizing that being alone means sometimes being lonely.  Despite what the previous owner believed, I personally think she would get along just fine with another furry friend as well as kids since she is so confident and trusting. Of course, that's a goal for the future.  If I do get a dog, I would also prefer to move to a place with a yard and more room for them to have their own space...and I'd want more time to find the right breed and temperament.  

My cat, Blaire, turned 3 yesterday.  She's definitely out of her crazy kitten stage but I think she still likes having something to do.  She's not as much of a lazy-fat-cat which would be fine if that made her happy.  I can definitely tell she wants play-time but with me.  She sits and stares at me and meows to get me to move or do something for her.  And by playing with me, she means that I wave a string, feather or laser around while she scratches and contemplates pouncing on it half the time.  heehee.  

Today I've been trying to ignore her wailing and not get too lovey-dovey if she meows.  I normally do give her a big greeting when I come home since it makes her purr like crazy but I wonder if that was making it too big of a deal. I still made sure to do some play sessions and give her some pets and talking to.  I'm wondering if maybe by playing with her so much I made her dependent on me for activity.  Maybe if she gets so bored and frustrated with me not caving in, she'll look for her toys or things to explore around the apartment?  Right now she's opening cabinet drawers so they slam and make a loud noise to get my attention.  Unfortunately for her this won't work - I allow her to explore the cabinets since I don't really keep anything dangerous in there.  Same thing with the kitchen counters.  Part of me wants to be more affectionate to give her more security as she adjusts but I wonder if that might also be crippling for her.  

Let me know if you think this method is good!

I also wonder if there are different qualities of cat-nip.  I have noticed that she responds pretty well to the Leaps & Bound cat-nip and that helped her get her play on a lot.  But then I got some tubes of the Kong catnip and she didn't care for it.  It's possible that might help too.  

 

[mingsmongols]

I think your being manipulated. She's got you wrapped around her cute kitty paws. If she demands attention and you give it every time then your reinforcing the behaviour. Your telling her that your times not important. You might have to set some boundaries. Have a set hour or too block for yourself where she's put up in the bedroom and be consistent about finishing project your working on (doing dishes, ect) before playing with her. She's probably feelings allitle insecure about the who new house thing and latched onto you which you returned 100%. The good thing is it sounds like you have a kitty who's going to be a great and loving companion once you set some healthy boundaries.

 

[sh1r33n]

That might be best.  I don't know if I could lock her in the bedroom for an hour since she'd just cry the whole time but I probably could put some head-phones on so I'm not distracted by her.  And then that way I'm not necessarily withholding healthy amount of attention.  Ordered  different catnip brand too so hopefully that will get her interested in her toys again.

 

[sh1r33n]

I did do a lot of ignoring of my cat today.  I know the experts say it gets worst before it gets better which has definitely been true for day 1.  But I feel like they might not know my cat.  

Has anyone else had to do this?  How long does it take for the meowing to end? They say to only reward them when they're quiet but when is that?  When do they become quiet?  When do they stop staring at you expecting something more out of you?  And just how much ignoring should I do?  

I do want to be able to give her affection and attention but it's so confusing as to when it's helpful and when it's harmful to her.  All the advice to only give her what she wants when she's quiet doesn't really apply to my situation because that would mean never.  

Fortunately she's relatively behaved even when she's stressed and I don't have a lot of rules for my pets so all of her attention-seeking behaviors (with the exception of the whine-meowing), though she definitely is trying...All her attempts at misbehaving are the exact things I would actually love her to do all the time! Just run around and be a goofy cat!

 

[candicew]

I don't know much about cats yet, but I can offer advice on: what we send out to the universe, is what we get back.

so if you are constantly stressing over how much your cat 'needs' you .. this is the experience you will be living out with you cat. Does that make sense?

I would change your thought pattern to just being grateful for all the times you see him playing/interacting/etc on his own. 

the more you fill your mind with the positive situations during the day, them more you fill you life with positive attitude and positive experiences. The more you fill your thoughts with, He CAN indeed be independent, and not only just think it but believe it yourself, the more you will see just how independent he will become. 

I'm not saying it's easy, it def one of the hardest things us as humans need to (re)learn here one Earth.  I'm just saying, its one of the many things we were sent here to experience, the chance to change our thought patterns and beliefs and (re)learn that we are co-creators of our own reality. Again to say, what you send out through your thoughts, your actions here on earth is what the universe will send back to you You are the creator of your reality indeed!

also, a side not as well about depression/anxiety, have you ever thought about using (pure) essential oils to aid in that?

Sorry to go off topic  

 

[mingsmongols]

You don't really have to ignore her but when your busy finish what your doing before going on a kitty play craze. You can acknowledge her with a hi kitty. Your not trying to change her personality or stop her from meowing, just to get enough time to do the things that need to be done. She's also probably picking up on your anxiety and zoning in on you. Which is good because she can distract you from the things that give you anxiety.

 

[sh1r33n]

Please don't make health suggestions to people with mental illnesses unless you are a doctor.  It's just kind of condescending.  I have a doctor and a therapist.  I use anti-depressants which work a lot better than smelling nice things that some people believe are magical.  Please try to stick with actual animal behavior science rather than religion.  This thread is not the place for debating religious or spiritual beliefs.

 

[neely]

 
Please don't make health suggestions to people with mental illnesses unless you are a doctor.  It's just kind of condescending.  I have a doctor and a therapist.  I use anti-depressants which work a lot better than smelling nice things that some people believe are magical.  Please try to stick with actual animal behavior science rather than religion.  This thread is not the place for debating religious or spiritual beliefs.

Although I'm hoping candicew didn't mean to be disrespectful, I couldn't agree with you more.  Let's move on and, as you said, stick to animal behavior.  I think MingsMongols made a valid point, i.e. you don't have to ignore her but acknowledge with a high 5.  Speaking from personal experience it is not something that is fixed overnight.  Our last cat, Neely, was extremely vocal and precocious, lol. It will take time, be patient, take baby steps, you're doing a good job.

 

[candicew]

 
Please don't make health suggestions to people with mental illnesses unless you are a doctor.  It's just kind of condescending.  I have a doctor and a therapist.  I use anti-depressants which work a lot better than smelling nice things that some people believe are magical.  Please try to stick with actual animal behavior science rather than religion.  This thread is not the place for debating religious or spiritual beliefs.

Oh dear, I am so sorry to offend you. My apologies. 

I may not be a doctor but can tell you from experience, I have dealt with mental illness all my life.  I was put in mental hospitals and on meds at a very young age. By the age of 22 I was heavily mediated and more  mentally ill then ever to be honest . The mediation made me hear voices. Made me more depressed. By the age of 35 I had been on mediations for  20 years. It was time to look in to alternatives as I still felt these drugs they had me on were not an end all answer and actually went back to one of the first mental health drs that had put me on meds. Which it turned out, by this time, she had switched to holistic medicine/approach to things. She had started to cure the cause not the symptoms naturally. I was put on a lot vitamins inside of prescription drugs. I have developed a great routine with meditation and essential oils to help with anxieties and stress. I look back and wish I would of done this sooner, I am more alive then ever and have been mediation free for a year.  Anyhow, I really was not trying to be condescending, I was just sincerely concerned for your heath was all, my apologies again. 

I see now to keep always on subject here in these forums, thanks for the reminder, as I have not been on a public forum like this for many  many years.

All the best!

 

[neely]

 
Oh dear, I am so sorry to offend you. My apologies. 

I see now to keep always on subject here in these forums, thanks for the reminder, as I have not been on a public forum like this for many  many years.

All the best!

I had a feeling you weren't being disrespectful, it's so difficult to know people's individual background(s) on a public forum. Two people can read the same exact post and have a completely different interpretation.  Likewise the type of treatment that works for one person may not work for another.  I sincerely hope you will feel comfortable on the TCS forum, it's a very helpful and knowledgeable site.    

 

[matea]

Just to add on, your cat is a bit older but she should and will eventually adjust to your schedule as well. It might take some more time and a lot of patience but she will get there - after you're gone and arrive don't greet her at the door cheerfully and lovingly (I know it's difficult). Instead, do your own thing first (I usually take of my shoes and go wash my hands ignoring her). Once you settle let her come to you and then play and cuddle time can start . I do this just so she does not associate me entering the apartment as a source of play time and it works quite well.

Also if she is meowing at you don't react! Don't even look at her. Only play or cuddle her when she's calmed down and when she is not meowing. Cats are very clever and yours might have learned that with crazy meowing she'll eventually get what she wants This might be a bit frustrating at first but trust me your cat is very smart and will catch up quickly.

My kitty does not interact with toys either unless I'm playing with her as well but over a couple of weeks I had her she learned that meowing doesn't get her attention and that play time is reserved for after dinner once I'm back from work.

Good luck and let us know how it goes

 

[matea]

Also another word of advice, do not feed your cat your food especially while you're eating. My friends cat is crazy over human food and it makes dinner at their place unbearable because they used to give their cat food of their plates while mine (who's never tasted human food ) leaves me alone during my dinner time.

 

[elliesvictim]

Your cat trained you well. You don't own a cat she owns you.
Cut her off for a while then play with her less.
My cat used to do the same. She cried a lot too. I stopped for a while, ignored the whining and it seemed to lower her expectations.
Beware cats are smart and excellent manipulators. Some scientists believe they mimick babies cries to elicit a response from humans. Like I said manipulators.