TNR momma cat, stayed longer than expected... guilt over releasing her again...

[Ljgunn]

Hello! I'm new here, but looking for some advice. A few weeks ago I was asked to help trap a mom-cat and her 3 kittens that were living at a church. The initial plan was to TNR the mom and look for homes for the kittens. I'm in southeast Georgia and every rescue and humane society is full. Long story short, we trapped them all and they all had URI's. The kittens went with a friend. I took momma to get fixed and noticed her coughing. Her incision site also looked bad to me so I ended up taking her to another vet a week after I trapped her. They gave her a 10 day course of antibiotics so she stayed in my bathroom through that treatment. She has been such a sweet, timid, affectionate tiny little thing, and of course I love her. I cannot imagine putting her back out on the streets, but all my efforts to find a home for her or another rescue have failed. (Her kittens are with a foster and a local rescue has taken them on, thankfully). Essentially, we've done what we set out to do, but now I am looking at releasing her and battling the part of me that says she wants to be someone's indoor cat. We have 3 cats of our own and my husband is at his limit. How do I reconcile the guilt of sending her back out when I have gotten to know her and see all of her potential? It feels like in another day and time, if everywhere wasn't so strained with kitten season, maybe she would have had more chances. I feel like I'm giving up on her by releasing her back at the church, but she can't continue to stay with me indefinitely. Any advice, or anyone been through releasing a loving and affectionate stray during TNR?

 

[StefanZ]

I think you shall obey the fate...

 

[thefiresidecat]

sometimes limits have to be pushed... I'd do extra serious pouting face at the hubby. and promise to feed her and clean up after her lol. or just foster her for the summer get her fully socialized and find her a home later.. and odds are by that time you maybe can convince hubby four is not a crowd. there is no way I'd release her

 

[FeebysOwner]

Keep her inside and promise your husband that you will continue to look for a more permanent home. If you release her and something would happen to her, I cannot imagine the guilt your husband might feel.

If you have the Next Door Neighbor web site, join it (for free), and post about her there to see if there is anyone in your immediate area that might be interested in her. Just charge them whatever the cost has been to you to take care of her. The 'fee' helps to ensure someone doesn't take her for things like dog baiting. That way, it shows your husband, you are trying (even if it doesn't pan out).

 

[Ljgunn]

Thank you for the replies! I understand where you're coming from... "just tell him that she has to stay or promise you'll find her a home, etc." Part of the problem for my husband is that we did that already. Last year I helped socialize and adopt 5 kittens and we had 3 of them in our guest room for months and months and it was difficult. A lot of adoption events and stress without any interest for most of it. And finally, 8 months later we still had the little boy kitten and decided just to adopt him ourselves. So, I think my husband is just afraid that every foster situation will be like that and its not realistic for us or for our budget.

 

[thefiresidecat]

Thank you for the replies! I understand where you're coming from... "just tell him that she has to stay or promise you'll find her a home, etc." Part of the problem for my husband is that we did that already. Last year I helped socialize and adopt 5 kittens and we had 3 of them in our guest room for months and months and it was difficult. A lot of adoption events and stress without any interest for most of it. And finally, 8 months later we still had the little boy kitten and decided just to adopt him ourselves. So, I think my husband is just afraid that every foster situation will be like that and its not realistic for us or for our budget.

Take a little more time with her then post on next door other adoption sites make it clear you need help with her or you'll have to release her. She's gorgeous guessing you might find help that way. I think Facebook might also have options

 

[maggie101]

Hello! I'm new here, but looking for some advice. A few weeks ago I was asked to help trap a mom-cat and her 3 kittens that were living at a church. The initial plan was to TNR the mom and look for homes for the kittens. I'm in southeast Georgia and every rescue and humane society is full. Long story short, we trapped them all and they all had URI's. The kittens went with a friend. I took momma to get fixed and noticed her coughing. Her incision site also looked bad to me so I ended up taking her to another vet a week after I trapped her. They gave her a 10 day course of antibiotics so she stayed in my bathroom through that treatment. She has been such a sweet, timid, affectionate tiny little thing, and of course I love her. I cannot imagine putting her back out on the streets, but all my efforts to find a home for her or another rescue have failed. (Her kittens are with a foster and a local rescue has taken them on, thankfully). Essentially, we've done what we set out to do, but now I am looking at releasing her and battling the part of me that says she wants to be someone's indoor cat. We have 3 cats of our own and my husband is at his limit. How do I reconcile the guilt of sending her back out when I have gotten to know her and see all of her potential? It feels like in another day and time, if everywhere wasn't so strained with kitten season, maybe she would have had more chances. I feel like I'm giving up on her by releasing her back at the church, but she can't continue to stay with me indefinitely. Any advice, or anyone been through releasing a loving and affectionate stray during TNR?
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I had a very sweet mama cat. No money.my mom paid for everything,my apartment food,and doctors. She would not help pay for fixing. Kittens were adopted then I went on an 11 day vacation and forgot about her. When I came back she did not look good and had another litter. I found a rescue after a long search. They were not a good rescue I found out later. I know one of her kittens got adopted. Other 2 had bad url. Mom died from fatty liver disease. I try not to think about it. Some one did help pay for fixing one of her kittens I now have. You are very lucky you could get her fixed

 

[cmshap]

I agree with what's been said about using social media to try to do your own home search.

Also, be sure to mention how affectionate she is. Many people would love to have a cat like that.

 

[fionasmom]

From my experience with ferals, I would say that she is definitely a stray which accounts for her very sweet personality. I would definitely keep trying to find her a home. She may have been dumped when she became pregnant and sites like churches and schools where the "dumper" knows will be frequented by large numbers of people are very commonly used.

What will happen to her at the church? Is is near your house and will she have food, shelter, and a caretaker? She may or may not readjust to that place, may not remember it as her former "home", and may not stay there. She has been with you for several weeks and has probably adjusted to her life in a home.

My avatar was born to a feral mother under a neighbors house, along with siblings. She seemed to have true pet potential, but when I had her TNRed, I released her back outside at my house. The parents and kittens were all TNRed, but one kitten and both parents were killed by coyotes. I was her caretaker and she did have regular food and shelter, but it bothered me no end that this affectionate little thing was outside and I brought her in.

 

[Ljgunn]

From my experience with ferals, I would say that she is definitely a stray which accounts for her very sweet personality. I would definitely keep trying to find her a home. She may have been dumped when she became pregnant and sites like churches and schools where the "dumper" knows will be frequented by large numbers of people are very commonly used.

What will happen to her at the church? Is is near your house and will she have food, shelter, and a caretaker? She may or may not readjust to that place, may not remember it as her former "home", and may not stay there. She has been with you for several weeks and has probably adjusted to her life in a home.

My avatar was born to a feral mother under a neighbors house, along with siblings. She seemed to have true pet potential, but when I had her TNRed, I released her back outside at my house. The parents and kittens were all TNRed, but one kitten and both parents were killed by coyotes. I was her caretaker and she did have regular food and shelter, but it bothered me no end that this affectionate little thing was outside and I brought her in.

The church seemed like a fairly safe site but its over 25 minutes away from me. I know there are people in that neighborhood who put food out. But there's no way to know what will happen to her, or how long she had lived there as her territory. The neighbor said she had a litter there last year too, so I dont think she was recently dumped there. I did entertain the idea of releasing her at my house and putting out shelter for her and feeding her... I am in a bit of a rural neighborhood. My yard is unfenced and backs up against a wooded area so I do get concerned about predators. I dont know which option is safer for her. I also feel bad because I know that if she just sits on my back deck I'm always going to wish she was inside. She deserves to be inside.

 

[Ljgunn]

Take a little more time with her then post on next door other adoption sites make it clear you need help with her or you'll have to release her. She's gorgeous guessing you might find help that way. I think Facebook might also have options

I signed up for NextDoor today and I made a post about her. Technically my neighborhood isn't even on there, but there are some in the area. I've also posted on Facebook and the girls who helped me trap her have been posting, but it doesn't really seem to make much of a difference in my area as there are dozens of posts about people finding kittens and looking for homes for cats in our area.

 

[FeebysOwner]

There are sometimes people 'behind the scenes' on Next Door Neighbor that might contact you privately in order to prevent their name from getting around too much, including fosters. I am going to guess you used a resource, such as this one for rescue center contacts, but maybe there are some more in this link that you haven't tried.
Georgia Cat Rescue Groups (rescueshelter.com)

 

[Alldara]

Since she's so sweet, I'd worry that putting her back out will make her think she's abandoned again. Plus she's suitable to be adopted.

Can the church help you find her a home? They must have boards for flyers or a email mailing list for newsletters.

You can also ask local vets offices to help you find a home.

Personally, my belief is that TNR is only suitable for cats who refuse to be kept inside or who don't have a personality suited to do so. Ferals and semi-ferals. Outside cats have 1/4 of the lifespan indoor ones do. But you're right to consider your limit financially.

She's good with people and other cats, so she's VERY well suited for adoption. Reach out to vets and rescues as far as you're willing to drive. Or far far as anyone able to help you is willing.

Rescues may be willing to put up her photo of you 'foster' her.

You can also see if local pet stores will help by putting up signs.

I adopted my now late cat Lily from Kijiji. You could try posting there as well. Make sure to ask the individual for the name and number of their vet and ask them if you can call to confirm they are a client there. Then you can give their vet the number of the vet you took her to for records transfer.

 

[Alldara]

I'll add - Facebook algorithms aren't great for sharing content anymore.

There were dozens of pets for adoption in my area but at the time of choosing Lily, I picked her because she was fixed, over a year old and socialized with other pets. Those are great "selling" points.

I actually posted a "Looking for cat" ad and her previous owner reached out to me. I provided the vet info as per above and picked her up later that week. They probably should have done further inquiry to me, but just the same Lily lived a happy and long life with me. I had her for over a decade.

Sorry we are a bad influence on you fostering her further!

 

[Alldara]

Petfinder.com

maybe also Feral Cat Program of Georgia - Feral Cat Program Of Georgia

 

[Kwik]

The church seemed like a fairly safe site but its over 25 minutes away from me. I know there are people in that neighborhood who put food out. But there's no way to know what will happen to her, or how long she had lived there as her territory. The neighbor said she had a litter there last year too, so I dont think she was recently dumped there. I did entertain the idea of releasing her at my house and putting out shelter for her and feeding her... I am in a bit of a rural neighborhood. My yard is unfenced and backs up against a wooded area so I do get concerned about predators. I dont know which option is safer for her. I also feel bad because I know that if she just sits on my back deck I'm always going to wish she was inside. She deserves to be inside.

I couldn't do it,I took one look at her photo and she'd be number 6 child at my house- I just took in a completely feral adult ..... nobody in the world would want him,they say ",nope,unadoptable" - the heck with that,he's HOME now!

So,I couldn't do it,I'm a terrible foster candidate- I was deliriously happy with 2 cats but they I "fostered"a very sick kitten and then there were 3,fostered an adorably sweet little feral kitten and then there were 4 and now ....well,you get the picture so I'm the worst one to talk about TNRs,especially a little sweetie pie stray

Lol,about husbands,now those I can put out without feeling bad. Seriously though,I've sang that song "I'm really trying to find her a home Honey".use your charm and that little doll will win him over

You've gotten great suggestions here- you'll find her a home or she's meant to be yours imo.....Anyway,I'm praying for you and that God's Will be Done ... They are Heavenly Blessings

 

[Kwik]

The church seemed like a fairly safe site but its over 25 minutes away from me. I know there are people in that neighborhood who put food out. But there's no way to know what will happen to her, or how long she had lived there as her territory. The neighbor said she had a litter there last year too, so I dont think she was recently dumped there. I did entertain the idea of releasing her at my house and putting out shelter for her and feeding her... I am in a bit of a rural neighborhood. My yard is unfenced and backs up against a wooded area so I do get concerned about predators. I dont know which option is safer for her. I also feel bad because I know that if she just sits on my back deck I'm always going to wish she was inside. She deserves to be inside.

No guarantees she'll stay on your deck,stray cats travel great distances to try to find their homes and ferals will do the same -outdoor relocations take alot of work,containment etc.. and theres still no guarantee for a successful relocation ,does not sound like a good idea- how about a catio or a safe enclosure in your yard?;
But I agree 1000%,she deserves to be indoors

 

[LunarFlower]

I second the catio idea. If you have a porch or patio they can be easily converted, or you can purchase a fairly inexpensive kit. The extra bonus is that if someone does adopt her after you build the catio, you then have an amazing catio space to use with your own cats or future fosters and TNR cats! Definitely a win-win. Maybe your hubby would be more amenable seeing that it increases the usability of your home space in the future? I’m in the middle of planning to convert my outdoor gazebo into a stand-alone catio for just this purpose so I can let TNR cats recover there for a few weeks prior to release (or serve as an outdoor shelter for any that can be adopted while they are being tamed.)

 

[Kwik]

I second the catio idea. If you have a porch or patio they can be easily converted, or you can purchase a fairly inexpensive kit. The extra bonus is that if someone does adopt her after you build the catio, you then have an amazing catio space to use with your own cats or future fosters and TNR cats! Definitely a win-win. Maybe your hubby would be more amenable seeing that it increases the usability of your home space in the future? I’m in the middle of planning to convert my outdoor gazebo into a stand-alone catio for just this purpose so I can let TNR cats recover there for a few weeks prior to release (or serve as an outdoor shelter for any that can be adopted while they are being tamed.)

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Wow-NICE!!!!! Some welded wire,some perches and you've got one AWESOME catio!!!

 

[Ljgunn]

I love these suggestions and all of your thoughtful replies. Honestly, when I posted originally I was just looking for someone to reassure “Yes, that’s how it goes sometimes during TNR,” or “you can only do what you can do..” and I was a little thrown off by EVERYONE agreeing that she should not be released back where I trapped her. I should have also posted on a healthy marriage forum to get a balanced perspective.
But, Saturday was to be the day she was released and…. I just couldn’t. She’s in our guest room now. I’m going to keep working with her and asking people to come over to help me socialize her. I’ll keep asking rescues and posting on social media (I’ve made a TikTok video that’s had 900 views today). I’m going to work on getting the rest of her vaccines after my next paycheck. I had to assure my husband that she’s not our #4, but that we might be her only chance to get into a home and be a proper house cat, so I’ve got to try for her. Thank you again for your encouragement and honesty. I’ll keep updating especially if I find a home for her soon so please be hoping (or praying ) for that outcome if you think of us