thoughts

[debby]

Mr. Cat....I really liked what you had to say....especially the part about loved ones becoming unreachable, sometimes forever, because they don't understand.

I finally decided to get some help after a really bad night last Monday, I almost had a nervous breakdown, and realized I need help (professional) dealing with my dad's death, and some of my other problems that have me so down. There are days I want to stay in bed forever, because when I am sleeping...I don't feel the pain in my heart.

I made an appointment for next Wednesday to talk to a therapist. I am nervous....I have never been to one before...but I know I am taking a step in the right direction.

How are you doing Blue? I worry about you.

 

[blue]

Debby,

dont worry about me, take care of you, angel. i'm so happy to hear that you are going to see a therapist, talking about our problems is the best therapy, i swear. anti-depressants help, but getting it all out, opening the floodgates, is release, something we all need at one point. remember, your therapist will be there only to help, and guide, the time you spend with him/her is your time.

~*~

i'm alright, thanks to you and everyone who asked, and wrote here. i want to write a longer post, but i cant right now, i just wanted to let you know Debby that you are going to be okay, but you have to be willing to work for it... but, you'll be alright.

you're a beautiful, bright star in my skies, and in those skies of everyone who has met you.

Love,
Katie

 

[airprincess]

I'm so glad you made an appointment to see a therapist! that is the first step. now you will have someone help you through your feelings. let us know how it goes.

 

[catarina77777]

Dear Katie,
You've made the biggest, most important step for your future happiness

I'm very, very excited for you. You're a beautiful young woman with so much to offer.
Always,

 

[debby]

Thank you Blue and AP for your words of encouragement. I will have to let you know how it goes.

 

[blue]

airprincess

thank you for your reply, you articulated yourself in
just the way i would hope to do if it was the other way
around, thank you.

thank you to MeowMan, and Mr.Cat, Catarina, Debby, Deb25 -
all of you, thank you.


~*~


my story truly is too long, i think half the time that i
am 60 yrs old, looking back on my life, wondering about the
sleepless nights, and days i missed, and why? but i am 20,
and i have my life ahead of me, i know i am not what has
happened to me, i am just who i am.

the saddest thing to me is that most of the people in my
life also treat me as though i am the elder, the parent,
the therapist, the provider... they all treat me as though
i actually am 60... and this makes it hard to remember to
laugh, and just live. my life is the furthest thing from
what i can only imagine it should be, then again, would i
want a typical life? that which is suited to my age, thoughts too
which are suited to my age, experiences &
phases... it has never been that way.

i will tell it soon, my story, but tonight i am too drained and exhausted.
it's 3:00 a.m. and i am left wondering again
how it came to this late hour without my noticing.

thank you all for listening, and for sharing. i have read
every post, all your words.

 

[airprincess]

you know blue, i don't think there is a 'typical' life. everyones experiences differ so much that there isn't any such thing. your life is special, because it's yours. all you can do is the best you can and not hurt anyone or thing along the way. i know the feelings you are describing and my heart bleeds for you. i would take it all away if i could, but since i can't all i can do is be the best friend possible and give you a shoulder when you need it. if it helps you to talk about it here...then do it. anyone who doesn't feel comfortable can make the choice not to read it. if that doesn't feel right, then find something, anything that does. we're all here to support any choice you make.

 

[catarina77777]

Dearest Katie,

As I read your posting, I felt a prisoner once again from the haunting of a very horrifying experience that lasted from the ages of six through thirteen.

I can only tell you that subsequent to those years; my life was a living hell. However; it did get better! Now I'm JOYOUS and FREE Please seek out that counselor and if you have already; just hang on to their words. I had to act "as if" things were fine for a while until I started to believe in myself once again.

It appears that you're life has been the total antithesis of mine. Although that may be the case, emotions are emotions, anger, hurt, happiness, frustration...etc...we all have them; but it hurts so bad if we don't know "why" we feel the way we do...I know in my heart that you'll overcome this soon. I THANK GOD you're so young and are getting this out in the open now....

God Bless You Sweetheart
Always,

 

[debby]

Please hang in there Blue...and when you are ready to talk...we will be ready to help the best we can.

*hugs*

 

[blue]

the day is already half spent, and i am screaming. my hands are empty; there is nothing to hold onto, there is nothing which holds me. where is the substance, the lightness in my walk, in my smile, in my movement; subtle pain,
silences stretching miles of memory across my face. grace speaks for my feet, carrying me not in the direction i know,
but further away from home everyday.

i wonder what holds me together, am i only bone and sinew, blood and muscles and pain. i cant breathe today,
my fingers search for meaning in all these bleak winter thoughts;

my small hands have held oceans.

 

[deb25]

Blue:

Your words are beautiful. I only wish that the feelings that caused you to be able to write them didn't haunt you so. You are a gifted writer. Have you considered publishing?

Prayers are with you today and always.

 

[donna]

Debby,

I'm glad you decided to consult with someone. If it weren't for my shrink after my father died, I'd be in the hospital. He and my closest friends were the only ones who stood by me and were there for me. My relatives could've cared less. I had "well meaning" acquaintances who told me I'd get over it and it would pass, but it didn't. They'd say things like "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life". My father was my life. I took care of him. I had this big gaping hole in my heart. My emotions were like a roller coaster. I wanted so much to run away from everything and everybody but knew that wasn't possible. And you're right, when you're asleep, the pain isn't there. And boy did I sleep alot.

Hang in there kiddo. It will get better, I promise.

Donna

 

[blue]

Deb25

thank you for your kind words; and yes, i am going to
publish, i started a thread about it awhile back :

http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...3?threadid=646

i am writing a book about my life

how lame, i know !
anyway, it's something i have to do.

anything you have to say about my writing is welcomed,
and appreciated, it's the only thing that keeps me alive.
or rather, the most important part of my healing.

 

[deb25]

I don't think it's lame!!!!! My dad wrote a bit of his life story, which I got after he died. It was awesome. I began jotting down my memoirs after that. Not that my life is anything worth writing about, but it's neat to do anyway.

When you get the book published, you'll have to sign a copy for me.

 

[blue]

and to everyone...

i want you to know i read every post, and mostly empathize quietly, pray all of you have peace in your sleep, and smiles dancing across your face in the morning. i think of you all every day and know my life would be that much more hollow if i hadnt met you all.

i just hope you all know i care about you and appreciate you.

 

[deb25]

And we all feel the same about you too, blue!!!!

 

[mr. cat]

By all means, write a book! For one thing, you're a good writer. For another, you've something to say. I, for one, would buy your book in a heartbeat — as would my friends after I explained the "benefits" to them.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us; and thank you too for caring about us in return.

=^..^=

 

[blue]

what a kind, amazing thing to say; thank you.

i cant even begin to tell you or anyone else what it means to
me, so i will not even try, just know, it breaks my heart with joy.

 

[catarina77777]

Dearest Blue,

Your creativity astounds me. The depression you speak of, it appears you mastered the ability to capture it within your soul has made your writing profound. It also appears as if even without your knowing. How humble.

Please share more with us ....

God Bless You,
Catarina

 

[debby]

Blue....that last post you made on the page behind this one, was absolutley beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you should publish your thoughts!!!! What a way with words you have!!!!!!

And Donna....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I copied what you said and saved it, because it made me feel so much better, and it made me realize that I am not alone in how I feel about my fathers death, and I am not crazy....just loved him so much, my whole world crashed him when he died, and noone understands.
Even my "best" friend told me to get over it and deal with reality.

Your post made me feel like I am not alone in this. Thanks.