I could never have imagined this in an entire lifetime of my worst nightmares. I feel so lost and very alone. I'm supposed to move in July to Copenhagen to be with my partner - as all of you will know by now. Over the last few months, my relationship with my son has deteriorated.... it's been coming for years, but the last few months it all seems to have gone downhill so quickly. I can't keep up with him any more and the only way I know how to react to him is to tell him off for something. I can't bear for him to hug me and playing with him is so hard. I've tried so hard to push away the resentment I feel - every time I look at my son all I can see is the man who hurt me. I've tried so hard. I've given it everything I've got to try and get rid of this feeling... I've spoken with a doctor and I'm STILL waiting to see a psychiatrist... but now I've tried so hard for so long... I've got nothing left in me to work on repairing the damage.
This is tearing me up in a way I coudln't even begin to explain. I've asked his father to take him for a while... and that could even become a permanent thing. I hate to do it, but Alex deserves better than I'm giving him and I don't want to screw him up by keeping on as I am. I love this child so much... but I don't understand why I can't seem to show it. I feel like I'm being torn is every which direction. I had my ex on the phone giving me abuse about now I was manipulative, devious, underhanded.... and I was lousy mother and how he could do so much better than I.... and even went so far as to say "no wonder Alex tries to escape form the house and the garden with a psychotic mother like you." My ex's girlfriend was horrified and she gave him what-for... but he cut me so deep and the damage was already done. I want so much to turn tail and run away and just get as far form this situation as I can, but I have to stay and be brave for my son. I don't want to lose him, but by the same token, I don't want to keep him here when he's not getting the affection he craves and needs. I've tried so hard... so hard... and I can't do it any more. But what mother runs out her children? I'm so lost and I'm so hurt. I'm ashamed and devastated that I can't feel what I'd like to be able to, that I can't seem to make it better. I feel like a coward and a failure. I've let so many people down, the most important one being the little boy I love. I might not be around for a while... if I am, it won't be for long afternoons of posting. I'm trying my best to make things right again - my mother moved in with me three weeks ago to see if she could help and so far we've only really succeeded in giving eachother the cold.
I'm utterly heartbroken. I'm so used to being so much stronger than this... please can I ask you just to pray that Alex gets the best... whatever the outcome is?
I'm utterly heartbroken. I'm so used to being so much stronger than this... please can I ask you just to pray that Alex gets the best... whatever the outcome is?