They hate each other....

[krickette]

I have 2 cats, Zoot Suit and Riot. Riot I've had longer, she's the absolute best cat in the world. She puts up with anything, has a huge personality, and is friendly to a fault. Everyone loves Riot.
Zoot I've only had about a year. I found her at my old apartments and she just looked like she wanted to be loved, she was always rubbing up against things and although she was scared, she seemed to want attention. I caught her one day after many days sitting outside feeding her and trying to earn her trust. Well, she stayed locked in the bathroom for a while before we finally decided she could come out. She and Riot had their spats at first, but then seemed ok. Then she started hiding under the bed. Now neither my boyfriend nor I can stand that habit, so we tried to nip it in the bud. My technique involved giving her acceptable alternatives and trying to move her to them. My boyfriend's technique one day involved scaring her out from under the bed and chasing her and yelling at her.
It was an awful day, a testosterone induced burst of rage. It's not just him, a lot of guys I know to be calm and kind and totally sane have snapped like I've never seen when an animal won't let them catch it or acts scared of it for no good reason. Heck, even my little brother threw an absolute conniption just the other day because his cow started running from him for no reason. I know that my bf regrets doing it, but now he just absolutely hates the cat.
Zoot is terrified of him. She is sweet as can be to me and my roommate and anyone else really. She's still shy and she doesn't want to be held. She's the kind of cat that wants attention on her own terms and is just skittish.
But bf hates her. He just wants to lock her in a room with just him and nowhere to hide and have her get over it, but I don't know what to do. He would never really hurt her or anything though.
The other day she got out and ran off at night, and he didn't want to go find her with me. I went out searching frantically and when I came inside crying to get a better flashlight, he went outside and found her, but as he said, it wasn't for her, it was for me.
Part of me wants to give her away, because although I love Zoot, I love my bf more and I know how much he doesn't want her. If it were up to him she'd go out and be a barn cat at my parent's house. And I don't want that for her, I happen to think that she's my responsibility no matter what. I like her a lot, because she is sweet to me. But lately she's been getting along worse and worse with Riot, and I'd pick Riot over Zoot any day.
I want Zoot to be happy, and to get along with my bf, but I don't know how to make that happen.
If worse comes to worse I'm going to try to find her a nice quiet home, but nobody wants another cat, especially not one that isn't a kitten and has issues being very shy. She's very cute, and once you get to know her she's got a lovely personality, I just wish my bf could see that.

 

[rad65]

Rehoming may be the best bet for you. Zoot isn't stupid, she knows that your boyfriend hates her, and she probably hates him twice as much. The chasing out from under the bed incident would be enough to scare many normal cats and make them hate the person who did it to them, more so since zoot was already timid to begin with.

Why is hiding under the bed such a bad habit for you and your boyfriend to deal with? I would think that would be one of the least annoying habits, at least she'd be out of trouble. If she had been allowed to make the first move and come out on her own, I think things would have been a lot better.

No matter what you do, I don't think locking zoot in a room with your boyfriend would be a good idea. First of all, zoot could attack your boyfriend and then he would hate her even more. Second, that would make her even more emotionally unstable. Imagine being in a room with the thing you're afraid of most, with no exit or escape in sight, and on top of that you have no idea why you're being forced to endure that.

Your boyfriend needs to realize cats respond to positive reinforcement, and they will never respond to negative reinforcement. You reward good behavior, never punish bad behavior. And to zoot, chasing out from under the bed and yelling counts as negative reinforcement. Being male doesn't matter, I'm a guy with two cats who sometimes act like total

's, but they're CATS, not dogs, and I don't think your boyfriend understands that the two need to be treated differently.

 

[yayi]

Well, you said it yourself. You love your bf and Riot (in that order) more. Find Zoot a home where he will be more understood and thus happier.

 

[darlili]

I agree - immediately look into rehoming Zoot. And, honestly, I'd be thinking about why do I know guys who think it's ok to terrify helpless animals - and why do I think it's ok. Most men do not behave like that - not if they're actually men.

Actually, I'd keep the cat and lose the boyfriend - if he treats a cat like that, how would he raise a child? Or, if he loves you, cannot he honor your wishes and treat the cat with kindness? If not, do you really want to spend time with a person like that?

I think a lot can be told about a person from seeing how he/she treats animals - not saying everyone has to be in love with every animal - but humane treatment goes a long way to saying the person is a good human.

And of course poor Zoot is acting stressed (perhaps with misplaced agression against your other cat) - she knows your boyfriend hates and will attack her - and she's picking up your stress. I can only imagine how torn you feel - but please try to put Zoot first and get her the home she deserves.

 

[luvmyparker]

You're a better person than I am. I think I'd pick my cat over a bf any day, lol...especially if he didn't like my cat. Being loving and patient is the best thing you can do for a skittish cat. My cats sister (she ran away) was the most skittish cat I had ever seen in my life...but I never intentionally frightened her or chased her and I never gave up on her. Before she ran away, she was about 90% rid of her skittish ways.

However, if your bf refuses to take the time to help you with her, there is no point in keeping her and letting her be miserable. Hopefully you can find her a quiet home with loving people.

Also, darlili makes a good point. I find most people that treat animals with disrespect are often people who aren't the most pleasant to be around and are not usually great with kids.

 

[darlili]

On re-reading my post, I was pretty darn judgmental - but scaring animals on purpose is something that is totally appalling to me. But, let's say your bf really has a good heart and just isn't acquainted with cat behaviors - as was said, positive reinforcement always works best with cats - negative reinforcement always creates fear and/or anger. If your guy is a good guy, the kind of guy you deserve, I bet you can work with him, appealing to his best nature (and a little positive reinforcement of your own, maybe) - but I think finding a good home for Zoot may be the best thing for all of you.

 

[my4llma]

Why is her hiding under the bed such a problem for you guys? She's not hurting anything under there is she?

Your b/f's technique is to scare a cat that's already scared?

I know quite a few guys, family members, and friends, and not 1 of them would ever scare an animal like that, and they wouldn't have any respect for a person who did. If anyone (male or female) I knew did that, I wouldn't be friends with them. If they were family members, I wouldn't have much more to do with them, than I had to.

If your b/f "absolutely hates the cat" Then for this cat's safety you probably should find another home for her. It's not safe for this cat (or any other animal or person for that matter) to be in the same house as someone who hates them.

"But bf hates her. He just wants to lock her in a room with just him and nowhere to hide and have her get over it". And you really think that will make her "get over it"? Imagine yourself locked in a room you can't get out of, with the thing you are most afraid of, would you just get over it?

"He would never really hurt her or anything though." Really? You don't think him scaring her is already hurting her?

"I happen to think that she's my responsibility no matter what." Part of that responsibility is not just to give her a home and feed her, but to make sure she's healthy, happy, and make sure she's safe. You also have a responsibility to protect her to make sure no one (b/f or anyone else) hurts her, to make sure no one (b/f or anyone else) terrorizes her.

"I want Zoot to be happy, and to get along with my bf, but I don't know how to make that happen." Zoot isn't the 1 that has to change, your b/f is the 1 that has to make the change. Talk to him about it, maybe he is a good guy. Maybe he will understand if you sit down and talk to him about the proper care for a cat. And maybe he will make that change and start treating this cat right. If not, and he has no problem terrorizing a cat, he'll have no problem terrorizing children.

"but nobody wants another cat, especially not one that isn't a kitten and has issues being very shy" maybe she wouldn't be that shy with other people, if she was with someone who wasn't terrorizing her.