Stressed Owner Integrating Cats Needs stories...

[rosewelsh]

I know this may be a lot to ask, but I'm asking anyway in hopes that a few of you will be able to answer:

I'd like others to tell me about their experiences or point me to threads or blogs of others who've lived through the similar experience of dealing with integrating cats. My nerves are as much on edge as my cat's and it's getting to the point where I don't know if I can handle the stress of integrating an only neutered male cat (for seven years who is also very skittish) and a four year old friendly spayed girl, but very much a hissy territorial cat.

Total disclosure: I'm on anti-anxiety meds but it's still difficult and stressful to the maximum for me to have to be on constant high alert in case of a fight. The house just doesn't have the calm, peaceful atmosphere with them both in the same house. It's not that they've drawn blood, but the ever present feeling that I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. It doesn't help that they've had two minor fights in two days and now my male cat is perpetually under a chair he can defend from. He's usually such a mush ball of love.... but he's so on alert it's awful upsetting for me. I know how he feels having the peace of the house upset.

It feels like I'm living in my Dad's house when I was young. I never knew when my step mom would lose it. The atmosphere is the same here and I just hate it.

I am, however, doing this for him as he's going slightly crazy without a friend to keep him company while I work. He goes into a room and cries loudly when I don't have time to spend with him in the evening and then pees. He's peed on the stove, which now needs to be replace, on the kitchen counters and floors and the entryway closet. He NEEEEEEDS a friend, but I"m not sure he will ever have the constitution to handle living with another cat and being friends. (PS he's not peed anywhere since she's been here keeping him distracted... he's only sprayed a few places which he's never done before.)

Please help. How did you deal with the stress? Are there any good stories or advise online you know about?

Sincerely,
Rose, Stressed to the Max

 

[strange_wings]

Did you ever take your boy to the vet to make sure it wasn't a UTI or crystals? Not that I doubt him being lonely, but sometimes two things can happen at the same time and one isn't because of the other.

How did you go about trying to integrate them? There are stuck threads right here in this behavior section that give wonderful advice on it.
Basically, if you didn't do this, you have to separate them and do this very slowly. It can take up to a month, but usually a couple weeks is the average time. It's not too late to start over.

Get some feliway diffusers for your home. Make sure there's enough for the whole home and not just one room, it won't be very effective otherwise.


Now this is just strictly my opinion, but I think the problem is that you got a girl kitty. Don't get me wrong, I have four of my own and do love them. However, all but one of them is a pain in the butt when it concerns other cats. Girl cats are just more fussy and territorial.

You're stuck with your girl now (like I am with mine, they're home and will stay here) so you have to remember her personality in the future if you decide you want to make anymore big changes, like more pets.

 

[momofmany]

Have you read through this thread yet? http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=67321 It is all about introducing new cats into a household. There are a lot of great ideas in this thread that can help you.

First of all, stop and take a deep breath. If your older cat senses that you are stressed, he may start responding to you. Introductions simply take time, particularly when you are dealing with 2 adult cats, one of which you know has been an only child for many years. It is extremely rare when cats don't work it out over time. Since yours are not going through an outright war with each other right now after 2 weeks, I'd say that you will get through this. Have faith and have patience. Cats always do things on their own time and never on yours.

The tactic that seems to work the best is to start with complete separation for a period of time, then slowly introduce them through the senses that cats respond to most: scent swapping. Don't feel that isolating the new cat in a room will prevent you from bonding with her. That relationship will build over time. From there you can start with visual interactions, then perhaps some supervised time in a room together. Keep interactive wand toys handy and distract them with things that bring them pleasure while they are in the same room. The vanilla extract trick works great.

I've been rescuing feral cats for many years, and have done many introductions over the years. What I've learned personally is to stay patient with the situation and don't let any bad starts rattle me. If something isn't working, try something different. Every cat has their own personality and what may work with one cat may not work with another. We can give you ideas on what has worked for us in the past, but unfortunately that doesn't mean that there is a magic formula you can use for introductions.

And btw, there is no better forum out there than The Cat Site to find out the information you are asking for. We've got a lot of veteran cat owners here who have been through what you are going through. You will be OK.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

Since you want stories, I'll tell you mine. Not to make you worry, but just to let you know, sometimes it takes a long time to integrate them, and sometimes they never become friends, although usually they will end up tolerating each other, if nothing else. When we adopted Darko and Stinkpot, we had already had Callie and Sven for almost 8 years. It took 5 months before we let "the boys" have total access to the house, and even then Callie would still growl and hiss at them on occasion (and she still does even now, after a full year of them having free reign!)

Now, here's what happened originally. We got Callie first, then 4 days later we got Sven. We knew nothing about how to properly integrate cats, so just threw them together and figured they'd be fine. Sven has bullied Callie from day 1! So, we figure that's why she is not very accepting of the two lastest adoptees, and who can blame her. Anyway, sometimes the 3 boys will all lay together on one sofa or the bed, or Callie and the 2 younger ones will all be in the same location, but NEVER will Callie and Sven be on the same piece of furniture at the same time, even after all this time. And the only two that ever cuddle together are Darko and Stinkpot, probably because they grew up together.

All tlhis being said, I truly think if we had taken the time to properly integrate Sven into the household when we first adopted him, things might be different. Who knows. That's why we took it slow and easy with "the boys" and they are much better tolerated. Maybe someday Callie might actually cuddle with them, once they settle down some (they are still too playful for her standards

)

 

[twobananaz]

my family of cats is fairly new, we've only had them for less than a year, but here's how our story went:

we adopted our first cat, had her for a few months, then were worried that she was lonely at home all the time, since we work during the day, and are big on animals having a companion of the same species (two hamsters, two rabbits, etc). we had given our guest room to the first cat, and she wasn't allowed in our bedroom, so we set that up as the second cat's space. we had done our research on introducing two cats, since my husband likes to punish me and make me think about my impulse wants before actually giving in to me, so we bought an extra litter box, water and food dishes, and another kitty bed to go in my bathroom, to keep them separated until they got used to each other's smells. after the first week, i put up the baby gate and screen so they could see each other but not get to each other. after a full week of this, we let them meet each other without the fence in the way. the first cat was soooo mad that there was this new cat in HER house! and she is usually so docile and loving. it was amazing to see that side of her. anyway, it took over a month before Saki stopped hissing at Isis. She never really tried swatting at Isis though, which was nice. She couldn't hurt a fly though, she's so passive. it's been 7 months now that we have had both cats, and they now sleep on the same couch on different ends, and the other day, they both took a nap on me, one on my legs, the other on my chest! I think my heart just about exploded when that happened, I even had to Facebook it! (i never facebook post, I'm a lurker through and through.). but yeah. they still don't cuddle with each other, but they do play together and chase, and all that.

 

[rosewelsh]

strange_wings:
When he first peed on my stove a few months ago I took him to the vet the very next day. He's even had a full blood work up. He's healthy. I wish it was that easy.

I've been reading the advise on integration here at the Catsite and elsewhere. I think that may be the problem: too much advise

I think I worried about her being lonely too much and rushed the meeting. He saw her the first day although I didn't let her out of the bathroom I'd leave the door open when I was in there. I let her out after only 5 days. I was worried that Sunshine (boy kitty) would get used to only as a resident of the bathroom (I'd been warned in an article somewhere that this could happen if I left the new kitty in the room too long... and gee, what's "too long?!") I'm starting completely over. He's glimpsed her in the bathroom when I go in there, but there is no interaction. There won't be for a full 7 days. Then the screen will go up with a baby gate for another 7 days. She won't come out of the bathroom until then IF I think they are ready. And even after that, she won't stay out if I'm gone or in bed unless a miracle happens and they are fast friends. Haha. I'll probably keep that policy until I feel comfortable around them.

I've got a single level 1200 sq ft house with an open floor plan. I've plugged a Feliway on her end of the house in my bedroom. I've seen no difference in behavior. It makes me wonder if it's not a bunch of bunk, really. I've had it plugged in for about 4 days now. It's never helped him deal with the stress of me being gone on vacation for a week either. I still come home and he hasn't bathed in days. Got any tricks you can offer that might make it work better?

As for getting a girl, I got a girl because the rescue said it would make it easier to integrate her with a male cat. I've read that elsewhere too. Sunshine seems to be the aggressor because he's the most frightened. He's the one that's used to being alone for seven years.

Thanks for your story and help!

 

[rosewelsh]

MommyOfMany:

Yes, I've read through that thread and I've skimmed through the behavior section of the forums looking for other ideas. As I told strange_wings, I've looked all over the web for advise.

That deep breath thing is probably a great idea. I just love my ball of fur so much I get upset when he gets upset.

I do understand that they do things in their own time. I do wish however, that they would let me in on the plan! It's just so hard to know what's needed, missing or detrimental when we don't speak the same language. It's so damned hard.

As I mention to strange_wings too, I'm doing seven full days of the new kitty being behind closed doors. Then another seven with a screen and baby gate between them. We WILL go slow this time no matter how much the new kitty wants out. What's been your best method of introducing scents? Also, will he get enough of her scent because she spent two days out in the house? Will I need to replace it? She clawed on furniture, pottied in his box several times and ate out of his food dish (both things with his permission, mind you) and slept on his beds often.

Do send me info on the vanilla extract trick. I've not heard of it, or at least didn't see it when I was reading stuff.

Thank you very much!!

 

[rosewelsh]

mrsgreenjeans:

It was difficult to read your story, but at least it helps me prepare to have to keep the new kitty in the bathroom for quite a while if necessary.

What did you do for those five months that the new kitties didn't have full access to the house? What do you mean by full access?

I'm worried that because of a dog trauma I caused many years ago I'm worried that Sunshine will be like your skittish kitty. Let's hope that since he had the experience with dogs it won't translate to cats. I really don't want to have to make Purney the new cat have to live in the bathroom for five months alone except for occasional visits from me. And how would you do that with a solitary cat like that? At least you had two in the same room together all that time.

Thank you very much!

 

[rosewelsh]

twobananaz:

Thank you for that story.

At first, Sunshine (original kitty) was as curious about her as he was scared. Then she came after him twice (no bloodshed) and now he stays as far away as he can and has a hard time letting her come into the living area. He guards it. That's why I decided to start over and give her seven days alone in the bathroom and then seven with the baby gate and screen.

How long was it before they could be in the same room together without hissing and growling? How long before they could sleep on the same couch?

Thanks a bunches!

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

Originally Posted by rosewelsh

mrsgreenjeans:

It was difficult to read your story, but at least it helps me prepare to have to keep the new kitty in the bathroom for quite a while if necessary.

What did you do for those five months that the new kitties didn't have full access to the house? What do you mean by full access?

I really don't want to have to make Purney the new cat have to live in the bathroom for five months alone except for occasional visits from me. And how would you do that with a solitary cat like that? At least you had two in the same room together all that time.

Thank you very much!

We had our two kitties locked up in a bathroom and adjoining exercise room/cat room, complete with 2 cat trees, a shelf under a window so they could watch the world, lots of toys, and me! I spent lots of time in there with them during the daytime, then at night both my hubby and I would go in there and watch TV with them for another 2 or so hours.

Mind you, all during this time we were also doing all the integration steps...exchanging scents by swapping out their blankies, letting them see each other through a cracked door, and eventually, feeding them in the same room, although when we started that, we put the kitties in a very large dog crate to allow everyone to eat in peace, yet kind of be together. Then we moved to feeding them outside the crate, but far apart from each other, always trying to associate good things (food) with each other. It takes the patience of Job, and I spent many nights crying because I thought it was never going to work...mainly because Callie was just being a real pill about it.

 

[twobananaz]

It was a couple months before we could trust them to be alone in the house together, and only in the past 3 before they were sleeping on the same couch. Mind you, they are on complete opposite ends of the couch. Saki, the original cat, is finally forgiving me for brining isis into our home, and don't duck my hand when I try to pet her now. She once held a grudge for a week when my husband went back to work after being unemployed for a month, and refused to sit in his lap, which is her favorite place to nap.

 

[momofmany]

Scent swapping is simply placing an object that one cat has laid on (like a blanket, towel, bed, etc) into the room of the other cat. If the other cat likes a certain treat, it helps to drop a few of those on that object so that they relate the scent of the other cat with something they really like.

Vanilla extract is used once they are out together. Dab a bit of it on the base of their tail, chin, and top of shoulders for both cats. It makes them smell like each other, thus reducing their stress when they interact.

 

[kittycurledup]

On the extreme end of the introduction continuum...some animals just can't get along. My older cat (Bonnie) lunges at my younger cat (Lucky) if they are both on level ground together. I've had to keep them separated for over 2 years. When I asked the vet for advice she said "Sometimes the best thing to do is exactly what you're doing. You could try to force the issue by leaving them together and letting them work it out, but then again, you don't want to be running to the emergency vet at 3 a.m. with a bleeding cat."

Dh and I shuffle the cats from room to room, making sure that everyone gets a lot of time and attention. They know their routine and are fine with it. Lucky is much less stressed when Bonnie is elsewhere.

That being said, they seem to finally be showing some progress. When Bonnie is on her tree, enjoying a clear height advantage, Lucky can hang out with her for a good 2 hours. (For them, that is a huge accomplishment!) He obsessively circles the tree, gnaws on it to get her attention, swats, stares, and finally breaks eye contact under her imperious glare. When she hisses, growls or swats, he walks away.

Our change in attitude has helped bring this about. We panicked whenever he approached her tree. Once we calmed down and (pretended to) ignore them, the growls and hisses subsided a LOT. They were reacting to our stress!

Lately, we've been noticing that they both gravitate toward blankets upon which the other has recently slept. Perhaps they are leaving happy scent messages for each other? Could it be they might get along yet??? We don't know if it is going to result in harmony, but we'll try again to integrate them after everyone's claws have been trimmed.

Our situation isn't representative of most people's experiences. We matched a sedate older cat with an energetic, jittery younger cat. It wasn't really a good match.

(It was a special case - I rescued Lucky from the street, at his express request. I'll post his bio soon.)

But even if they still have to remain separated, we have a routine that makes everyone comfortable. They are happy, loving cats with a great life.

Best of luck with your integration! I hope it is as anxiety free as possible!!