Stressed ...My Mom In Nursing Home

[FeralHearts]

*hugs* so sorry about your situation it is very stressful.

Great advice in this thread. I love the people here. (you included.) Good souls.

I don't know about the US, but in Ontario, we have 4 different POA's. Financial, health and temporary and long term.

Without POA here the government steps in. Next of Kin then has to be determined and a lawyer is needed to present your legal rights as next of kin to the crown. At least that's how it was when my friend ran into the situation 5 years ago.

With your mom having some cognitive issues, you, unfortunately, might need a lawyer as you do need to have POA to get the needed control over the financial aspects of things - as well as health care choices for your Mom. Otherwise, it leaves you both very vulnerable.

XOXOXOXOX

 

[denice]

Get the POA. Hospice is a possibility. All it really means is that Hospice instead of Medicare/Medicaid will be paying for her care. There is a limit to how long Medicare will pay then it will be Medicaid. She will have to spend every cent that she has before getting Medicaid. Get that POA so you can protect what she does have so it doesn't all have to be spent to get Medicaid.

 

[Willow's Mom]

I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this. I haven't read all the replies and have nothing to offer but commiseration and more venting. I wasn't going to post, but it seems rude to just ignore you after mentioning nursing homes on another thread so here goes:

Both of my parents are still alive and in nursing homes because that is where they want to be. They knew darned well I'd made a deathbed promise to my only sibling never to send them to one no matter what happened. Please don't feel guilty--I've done eldercare for a living, know how hard it can be, and to be bluntly honest, I just don't have a good enough relationship with either of them to feel safe. They know how to push my buttons and their bodies are too fragile.

When Mom had a stroke, I was not informed. When I called, they did not let me talk to her or even give me the address of where they had moved her. They said I could buy a get well card, write her name and "care of" on the envelope, and send it to the front office.

She was promised an exciting, active, senior-centric lifestyle, a one-level apartment with the same square footage as her three-bedroom house, nature trails, classes, regular pet-friendly community events, and she wound up in a room at a nursing home. They even lied to her about the bread they served: it's standard institutional fare.

I hope you can get an attorney. Our elders deserve so much better than this.

 

[rgwanner]

If you have limited funds call your local Legal Aid - I know the one here will help with POA or guardianship. If they don't do it, where you are,they may be able to recommend another place.

I am not an attorney but I know that laws vary and you need legal help for the money part.

I can relate - I am currently caring for my MIL who is 97 and has some health issues. Also my husband who has severe memory loss and can barely walk, etc. There is no other family. So I know the stress of being the only one.

From what you said about her condition a nursing home is the best choice. And if your siblings do not want to help, then they get no say in the decisions. Are they in the same town? Regardless, only the person who is doing the work gets to make the decisions.

If your mom is not mentally competent to make you POA you may need to get guardianship (the laws vary from state to state). Again, google the nearest Legal Aid - they may have forms and/or info on their site that would at least give you an idea about the local laws. But talk to an attorney,

Try to find a local caretakers support group. Do something for yourself that makes you happy - see a friend, run, play music, binge watch a favorite series, a craft - something to re-charge every now and then.

And know that you are not alone - I was glad to see your post in the sense that today I was feeling very alone and stressed and overwhelmed. You reminded me that others are caring for family also with no help. That may not help, but I am sending hugs your way.

 

[FeralHearts]

I hope you can get an attorney. Our elders deserve so much better than this.

Isn't this the truth!

I'm sorry to read about what's happened with you when it comes to your parents too.

My brother, who I love dearly, and I know loves my mom, is pretty much money driven and a few other things... but I know that if that happened with my mom... he would help me and they wouldn't want to deal with the hell fire he'd raise. Small mercies I guess. I think he wouldn't be much more help than that but I hope he proves me wrong when the times comes to care for her as I too made a deathbed promise she would not be in a home.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

And know that you are not alone - I was glad to see your post in the sense that today I was feeling very alone and stressed and overwhelmed. You reminded me that others are caring for family also with no help. That may not help, but I am sending hugs your way.

It's funny you say this. I've been thinking along the lines of how I'm going to care for my aging Mother. It's stressed me out all weekand I felt completely alone. All our family is in the UK and my brother is across the country. She's not really old (only 74) but the older she gets - the more difficult she seems to get and last night I finally broke down and thought - OMG she's only going to get worse how am I going to handle this alone? I always thought I could - but lately - I'm doubting.

We've been so lucky that most of our family has lived to be older and on their own majority of their lives... save for the last few years. I had my great grandparents until I was 17 and knew them well. They lived independently (mostly) right to the end. I just lost my grandparents at 96 two years ago - still living in their home. Only the last few years did someone have to stay with them. I don't think I'll get this lucky with my mom the way things seem to be going and it scares the life outta me.

So I send big hugs to all of you. It really is comforting (in a bizarre way) to see these posts and realize that, yes, we aren't alone.

XOXOXOXOX

 

[Mia6]

The first thing I would do is get POA. If you want her at home, she may be eligible to have home help
come in but that is still a lot on you. I would also see the advice of a social worker.

xxxxx

 

[CatLover49]

Hospice is end of life. Nursing home is long term but can provide hospice. The nursing home legally can't tell you anything until you have POA. You can ask them for advice on what needs to be done but they might be limited in what they can say because of patient rights. An attorney is your best option as long as they focus in that area because they would know all the factors and what needs to happen.

Yea i KNOW..but when my mom was in Assisted living..they were more cooperative

 

[Kieka]

Yea i KNOW..but when my mom was in Assisted living..they were more cooperative

It might have been the different home policies or it might have been that your mom told the assisted living to give you information. Those places vary so much it really is hard to know. My great grandma was in one that went from retirement home to hospice care and it was great. My grandma's wasnt as great but I think that was more so that my grandma was a more difficult patient.

 

[CatLover49]

It might have been the different home policies or it might have been that your mom told the assisted living to give you information. Those places vary so much it really is hard to know. My great grandma was in one that went from retirement home to hospice care and it was great. My grandma's wasnt as great but I think that was more so that my grandma was a more difficult patient.

My mom did tell them ay Assisted Living to give me info..but the NURSING home SAYS they cant give me info...that they are at this point talking to the Dr there if mom is still capable of making decisions even though she seems well alert..they got to get Dr opinion NOW