Stressed ...My Mom In Nursing Home

[CatLover49]

Hey..hope im posting in right place...My mom is in nursing home ..been there about a year..Before that she was in Assisted Living...She had been staying with me some at one point..til I had to have hiatal hernia surgery..n wasnt able to continue to care for her...and the list goes on n on..My health is ok..but NOT the greatest..I think I could take care of her myself...with an aid coming in...Not really SURE...My mom cant get out of bed on her own ANYMORE...she cant even walk on her walker anymore..She had a mini stroke n has mild dementia..I have 2 other siblings..But they got mad at me for taking her out of assisted LIVING n the first place..n NOW Its all on ME...Everything...Decisions...Financial...And im NOT POA..No one is...Im really exhausted to the situation..to where im stressed out ...Just need to talk to someone...My brother n sister wont even help at all with MAMA..Im so physically n mentally..n emotionally tired...Any INPUT would be a BLESSING...

 

[Kieka]

Honestly, with a mild stroke, dementia, unable to get out of bed and unable to walk with a Walker I would keep her in the assisted living or nursing home. You are already stressed and at your limit from what you've said and caring for your mom full time with an aid coming in might break you. As much as we love our parents and want to care for them; we also have to care for ourselves. There is no shame in knowing our limits and getting help from those who can help us.

I do understand where your siblings are coming from, if you choose to take her out of a home at one point it's not fair to expect them to handle the responsibility if they were against it. It doesn't mean they love you or her any less, but they know their limits. My Dads sister took their Mom out of a home and across the country; then got mad at my Dad for not visiting more or helping more. But he had his own family (he is 20 years younger them his sister so her kids were grown by my brother and I were little) and lived hundreds of miles away. After my grandmother passed away my aunt blamed my dad for not helping more and being there more.... but she had made that choice against his wishes and without his agreement; they didn't speak for 20 years over it. My Mom and her sister had a similar choice with their mother. In that case my grandmother did go into an home near my Aunt and my Aunt visited everyday. The home provided the care my grandma needed while allowing my aunt the freedom to visit without the stress of day-to-day care. There were still errands for her mom and spending time but not worrying about her being stuck in bed or eating.

I also do realize some cultures have different perspectives on elder care and this is an international site. I've personally had the discussion with my parents that as long as they can wipe/bathe themselves and know who I am we will manage and figure it out. But if they have dementia or alzheimers then they will go into an retirement home/nursing home. And if are unable to bathe/wipe themselves depending on the situation either a home assistance or move into a home. But I've also dealt with both dementia and alzheimers in family members and already know the suffering that can echo through the family with itm

 

[basscat]

Honestly, with a mild stroke, dementia, unable to get out of bed and unable to walk with a Walker I would keep her in the assisted living or nursing home. You are already stressed and at your limit from what you've said and caring for your mom full time with an aid coming in might break you. As much as we love our parents and want to care for them; we also have to care for ourselves. There is no shame in knowing our limits and getting help from those who can help us.

I do understand where your siblings are coming from, if you choose to take her out of a home at one point it's not fair to expect them to handle the responsibility if they were against it. It doesn't mean they love you or her any less, but they know their limits. My Dads sister took their Mom out of a home and across the country; then got mad at my Dad for not visiting more or helping more. But he had his own family (he is 20 years younger them his sister so her kids were grown by my brother and I were little) and lived hundreds of miles away. After my grandmother passed away my aunt blamed my dad for not helping more and being there more.... but she had made that choice against his wishes and without his agreement; they didn't speak for 20 years over it. My Mom and her sister had a similar choice with their mother. In that case my grandmother did go into an home near my Aunt and my Aunt visited everyday. The home provided the care my grandma needed while allowing my aunt the freedom to visit without the stress of day-to-day care. There were still errands for her mom and spending time but not worrying about her being stuck in bed or eating.

This could not have been said/explained better.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

But they got mad at me for taking her out of assisted LIVING n the first place..n NOW Its all on ME...

~ Is it all on you because you allow it, or because siblings will not participate in mom's care ?
Either everyone works as a team to share responsibility or siblings have no say in making decisions. If it's only you let it be known that siblings opinion is moot if they do not participate.
Your mom is likely in the most appropriate place as long as she is comfortable. Visit often - daily if possible. Take her for rides in a wheelchair around the care facility. Eat with her, watch TV, whatever makes sense.
Don't forget to take care of YOU as well .
Stay strong ...

 

[CatLover49]

Honestly, with a mild stroke, dementia, unable to get out of bed and unable to walk with a Walker I would keep her in the assisted living or nursing home. You are already stressed and at your limit from what you've said and caring for your mom full time with an aid coming in might break you. As much as we love our parents and want to care for them; we also have to care for ourselves. There is no shame in knowing our limits and getting help from those who can help us.

I do understand where your siblings are coming from, if you choose to take her out of a home at one point it's not fair to expect them to handle the responsibility if they were against it. It doesn't mean they love you or her any less, but they know their limits. My Dads sister took their Mom out of a home and across the country; then got mad at my Dad for not visiting more or helping more. But he had his own family (he is 20 years younger them his sister so her kids were grown by my brother and I were little) and lived hundreds of miles away. After my grandmother passed away my aunt blamed my dad for not helping more and being there more.... but she had made that choice against his wishes and without his agreement; they didn't speak for 20 years over it. My Mom and her sister had a similar choice with their mother. In that case my grandmother did go into an home near my Aunt and my Aunt visited everyday. The home provided the care my grandma needed while allowing my aunt the freedom to visit without the stress of day-to-day care. There were still errands for her mom and spending time but not worrying about her being stuck in bed or eating.

Im NOT mad at my brother or sister..Just so many things needs to be taken care of..like preneed for when her time comes..shes 80..will be 81 in February...She has small life insurance policy n a small preneed already set up..but its not enough..doesnt even have a plot yet cause everyone thought her plot was beside my DADS..n recently found out from the church he was buried at..its not one there for her...And the NURSING home wont give me any information about her funds there..she accomplished little bit of extra money..when she first went there..I dont know how much so can know how much to use for plot oh MY..or towards her preneed...They said she has no POA..n they cant give any information out. N they are saying mama may not be capable of even knowing what she is looking at if they showed her..n got her permission to mail me her account information..Said they are currently seeing if the Dr feels shes capable of making decisions of any kind..even of saying YES its ok to mail my account information to my daughter...So How do I know what to n how to do something with no information???

 

[CatLover49]

~ Is it all on you because you allow it, or because siblings will not participate in mom's care ?
Either everyone works as a team to share responsibility or siblings have no say in making decisions. If it's only you let it be known that siblings opinion is moot if they do not participate.
Your mom is likely in the most appropriate place as long as she is comfortable. Visit often - daily if possible. Take her for rides in a wheelchair around the care facility. Eat with her, watch TV, whatever makes sense.
Don't forget to take care of YOU as well .
Stay strong ...

No Im NOT stopping my siblings from participating in the care...I have texted n CALLED n get no REPLY..For along time NOW..My son is rather close with my brother n he said my brother said Cause I took OUR mom out of assisted living in the first place..He was done...That I wanted to handle things..well I got it...He said..And my brother n sister live with each at the moment...Temporally...So they are like I guess getting in each others ear as the saying is

 

[JamesCalifornia]

So How do I know what to n how to do something

~ You may need to consult with an attorney. Nursing homes are all about business & liability. Dealing with them sometimes is difficult. If mom is on Medicare there are hospice service that can assist you. The financial details need to be managed for your mom.

 

[CatLover49]

~ You may need to consult with an attorney. Nursing homes are all about business & liability. Dealing with them sometimes is difficult. If mom is on Medicare there are hospice service that can assist you. The financial details need to be managed for your mom.

Hospice is for people really sick....I thought....

 

[Willowy]

Talk to a lawyer about getting POA. If she isn't of sound mind to sign the papers, she can be declared incompetent. It definitely sounds like she needs someone to have POA, both for financial things and for medical decisions.

If she can't get out of bed on her own, a full-service nursing home is really the only place for her. Don't feel bad about that.

Hospice can be basically just life-improving care like extra baths or someone to help with getting her out for walks, etc. I don't know all the details of getting Medicare/Medicaid to pay for it, but I do know it's not only for people who are extremely ill. Ask the nursing home director about it, see if they can point you in the right direction.

 

[CatLover49]

Talk to a lawyer about getting POA. If she isn't of sound mind to sign the papers, she can be declared incompetent. It definitely sounds like she needs someone to have POA, both for financial things and for medical decisions.

If she can't get out of bed on her own, a full-service nursing home is really the only place for her. Don't feel bad about that.

Hospice can be basically just life-improving care like extra baths or someone to help with getting her out for walks, etc. I don't know all the details of getting Medicare/Medicaid to pay for it, but I do know it's not only for people who are extremely ill. Ask the nursing home director about it, see if they can point you in the right direction.

So she would have to go in hospice to get that care ..????The NURSING home is really NOT wanting to give any information on MAMA...

 

[Kieka]

I didn't mean to imply that you are mad at your siblings. But things like this can lead to family problems that last a long time. Shoot, I have cousins that I haven't seen in 30 years because of how their fathers will was handled and all over a car. People do odd things sometimes over the littlest things.

As hard as it is, I get where your siblings are coming from. You made a choice and now you are calling and texting them asking for help in something they were against. See it from their side, if you can. Try reaching out to them about something other then your frustrations about your mom and her care and see what response you get. Keep the conversation away from this matter and just mention that mom is fine. Maybe with time they will help more but for now just open communication again and rebuild.

For your mom, you need an attorney at this point. You will have to have a judge declare her incapable and you the power of attorney to make decisions for her. I wouldn't worry about funeral arrangements or burial plots right now. Worry about figuring out how to get POA and then the day-to-day decisions until you get to a point you can. This is coming from someone who hasn't had a family member actually buried for three generations so I am definitely biased on the importance of a burial site (we've had cremations and ashes scattered or held in homes. My grandmother had half her ashes scattered in the ocean since my grandfather was lost at sea and the other half made into jewelry from my aunt and mom to wear. My other grandmother was also cremated and her ashes buried almost a year later when my Aunt finally decided where).


*********************
As a note for anyone else: this situation is exactly why I recommend anyone over the age of 40 (or with kids) see an attorney and get their end of life items sorted out. My parents are in their 60s but when they started traveling I asked them once a month if they had sorted things out until the did. They could have an accident while they are out and without a legal document set up we might be helpless or have hurdles to jump through. Their documents outline everything that is to happen and various situations with my brother responsible for medical decisions (he is a nurse) and me for financial (and a family friend for backup incase something happened that involved all four of us). I convinced my boss to set up a living trust and long term health care that includes end of life coverage for hospice and long term medical assistance as well (and my boss is 50) and he just got the final documents signed. I know it feel morbid but it will save a lot of heartache and trouble.

 

[Kieka]

So she would have to go in hospice to get that care ..????The NURSING home is really NOT wanting to give any information on MAMA...

Hospice is end of life. Nursing home is long term but can provide hospice. The nursing home legally can't tell you anything until you have POA. You can ask them for advice on what needs to be done but they might be limited in what they can say because of patient rights. An attorney is your best option as long as they focus in that area because they would know all the factors and what needs to happen.

 

[Willowy]

So she would have to go in hospice to get that care ..????The NURSING home is really NOT wanting to give any information on MAMA...

No, there are hospice nurses that go to nursing homes to provide extra care, they don't always have to go to a special hospice house. Or at least that's how it is here. It's worth asking about.

 

[CatLover49]

I didn't mean to imply that you are mad at your siblings. But things like this can lead to family problems that last a long time. Shoot, I have cousins that I haven't seen in 30 years because of how their fathers will was handled and all over a car. People do odd things sometimes over the littlest things.

As hard as it is, I get where your siblings are coming from. You made a choice and now you are calling and texting them asking for help in something they were against. See it from their side, if you can. Try reaching out to them about something other then your frustrations about your mom and her care and see what response you get. Keep the conversation away from this matter and just mention that mom is fine. Maybe with time they will help more but for now just open communication again and rebuild.

For your mom, you need an attorney at this point. You will have to have a judge declare her incapable and you the power of attorney to make decisions for her. I wouldn't worry about a ppl lit of funeral arrangements right now. Worry about figuring out how to get POA and then the day-to-day decisions until you get to a point you can. This is coming from someone who hasn't had a family member actually buried for three generations so I am definitely biased on the importance of a burial site (we've had cremations and ashes scattered or held in homes. My grandmother had half her ashes scattered in the ocean since my grandfather was lost at sea and the other half made into jewelry from my aunt and mom to wear. My other grandmother was also cremated and her ashes buried almost a year later when my Aunt finally decided where).


*********************
As a note for anyone else: this situation is exactly why I recommend anyone over the age of 40 (or with kids) see an attorney and get their end of life items sorted out. My parents are in their 60s but when they started traveling I asked them once a month if they had sorted things out until the did. They could have an accident while they are out and without a legal document set up we might be helpless or have hurdles to jump through. Their documents outline everything that is to happen and various situations with my brother responsible for medical decisions (he is a nurse) and me for financial (and a family friend for backup incase something happened that involved all four of us). I convinced my boss to set up a living trust and long term health care that includes end of life coverage for hospice and long term medical assistance as well (and my boss is 50) and he just got the final documents signed. I know it feel morbid but it will save a lot of heartache and trouble.

Ok
..What IF...My my mom passes away before any POA in place...and theres say money at the NURSING home of hers...And NOT enough to cover her funeral expenses..or her plot...Im looking at the worst that could happen..And theres no POA to make decisions...who does it??The nursing home????

 

[Kieka]

Ok
..What IF...My my mom passes away before any POA in place...and theres say money at the NURSING home of hers...And NOT enough to cover her funeral expenses..or her plot...Im looking at the worst that could happen..And theres no POA to make decisions...who does it??The nursing home????

POA ends when someone passes away. You'd have to open an estate in probate with the local courts to sort things out at that time. Money at the nursing home would likely be a different situation depending on what it is. If it's an expense account with the nursing home they might return the funds to her bank account or they might have a clause with their internal accounting saying the money is forfeit when the person passes away or that the money goes to the living relative or the money goes towards funeral. There is no way for someone on this website, or any website, to know without seeing the specifics of the paperwork related to her nursing home and the account in questions, which is why you need an attorney because you don't want to share that specific private information and you might not have access to it all until the POA is in place. But if you don't have POA and you don't think she has long you are better of assuming you will get no help from that side. Sorting out estates without wills or trusts set up in advance can take months after someone passes. Assuming the worst you'd want to talk to a funeral home about different options not the nursing home because the nursing home is for the living.

I dont think the nursing home is your friend in all this. You really need to consult an attorney or check to see if your area has free court advice centers. I know mine has a center where people going through law school volunteer under the supervision of their advisors giving basic advice and helping with paperwork.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

I dont think the nursing home is your friend in all this. You really need to consult an attorney or check to see if your area has free court advice centers.

​

 

[Winchester]

Assisted living is for those who can still get around fairly well. Your mother is no longer at that point. You did the right thing and the assisted living facility would have eventually made her leave. Rick's mother was in assisted living, but when she started to fall too often, they could no longer handle her and she had to leave and go into a nursing home.

As for the POA, you should see an attorney. Somebody should have some kind of control over her finances. And really, the best thing to do at this point is to find an attorney who specializes in elder care. He or she will be able to help you because they would have your best interests at heart, too. The nursing home is only worried about how the money is coming in to pay for your mom's care. That's it.

We went through a lot of this with both my mother and then again with Rick's mom. An attorney really helped us, although yeah, it's a lot of money. Fortunately, my sister and I worked together with Mom and Rick and his sister are working together for their mom, too. I will say that his sister has most of the work, simply because she is closer to the nursing home than we are and she was already retired. Now that Rick isn't working, he's been stepping up to the plate more and more, too. It's really hard to do it alone!

But know that you did the right thing by taking her out of assisted living and putting her a nursing home. You really did. You basically made that decision before the assisted living facility did it for you.

And please, don't even think about taking her out of the nursing home at this point! You can't take care of her, even with an aide coming in. It's simply too much. The risk to your own health, both physical and emotional simply is not worth it. Please don't do it.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

The nursing home is only worried about how the money is coming in to pay for your mom's care. That's it.

~ Sad but true ...

 

[AbbysMom]

As for the POA, you should see an attorney. Somebody should have some kind of control over her finances. And really, the best thing to do at this point is to find an attorney who specializes in elder care. He or she will be able to help you because they would have your best interests at heart, too. The nursing home is only worried about how the money is coming in to pay for your mom's care. That's it.

This.

You've gotten a lot of really good advice. I urge you to take it and seek out an attorney.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My father had a form of Alzheimers and my mother is starting to ease into dementia. It's not easy.

 

[CatLover49]

This.

You've gotten a lot of really good advice. I urge you to take it and seek out an attorney.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My father had a form of Alzheimers and my mother is starting to ease into dementia. It's not easy.

No it isnt