This is a huge red flag for me. Take it from someone who knows first hand - you don't want to be putting up with this for the rest of your life, and you will be if you stay with this guy.
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Sorry: Venting about relationship
- Thread starter baloneysmom
- Start Date
My ex-husband was like that, too - and he was a control freak. I couldn't trust him with leaving anything out in the open - money, jewelry, my purse, etc., for fear of him taking it w/o asking: and it IS stealing if they don't ask you first. It got to the point where I had to hide things from him - and that's no way in which to have a relationship..
Him laughing at you shows that he doesn't respect your feelings or boundries, and that's not a good thing, either.
And all those "I'm sorry's" are just words to keep you from leaving. Abusers are good at playing the moonlight & roses bit. They tell you what you want to hear, but after you forgive them, they go back to the way it was as soon as they figure they've reeled you back in.
I'm certainly no marriage counselor, but I've been in your shoes - TWICE! Take it from someone who knows....
My advice? Make an offer of counseling to him. If he refuses, get away from him. There are plenty of other men who WILL treat you with respect, and whom you CAN trust. Life is too short to be involved with a control freak or an abuser. He'll only make your life miserable...
~KK~
Reading the above sent chills down my spine, b/c I once made the same mistake you did, by moving 1200 miles away from my home & family, to be with an ex b/f who was mentally ill & an abuser (which I didn't know till after it was too late). Your b/f figures he can get away with whatever he wants, b/c you have no one else to turn to: that's how some of them operate - by isolating you, they have more control. And also like you, I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have, b/c I too had no one else. I can totally relate to how you're feeling, and it's a horrible place to be. I can't even begin to tell you just how horrible that relationship was. All I can say is, RUN - RUN away as fast as you can!!!
Regarding your cats, he doesn't love them.
Please, get away from this guy - before it's too late. Do whatever it takes to free yourself. I know you're probably alone & scared right now, but facing the unknown will be a whole lot less scarier than what your b/f is probably capable of putting you through if you decide to stay. I've been there - I know!
~KK~
And whether you were right or wrong on this or any issue, if his response to a disagreement is to laugh and ridicule you... he's not someone you want to spend your life with.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #25
Thanks guys. My sister called me today and I told her what had happened. After the usual sister to sister man bashing conversation she reminded me that my family will help me in any way they can. She said the family knew that I had been unhappy for a long time and my parents have been waiting for me to tell them I need them to come down and help me. My Mom can be on a plane ASAP if need be. So I feel better. It’s easy to forget being so far away trying to make it on my own that I am not so alone. With my sister working and going to school, my parents travelling all the time in retirement it’s easy for me to forget.
As for being abusive, he has never been physical with me. I did not add that I can be a real female dog when I’m in a corner and I don’t think he would dare. Being mentally unstable? It’s a very big possibility, I think Luvmycat hit it on the nail with the whole empathy thing, it’s something I’ve been thinking for awhile. I think he just doesn’t have any emotion really, at least I’ve never seen it. Like I said he has tried to change, but I don’t think he realizes why I want him to change he just changes so I will stop leaving him. He doesn’t get my feelings or emotions this is obvious since he keeps doing things to upset me.
As my sister said, there are too many men out there to waste my time on one.
Thanks so much guys, you made me feel so much better.
As for being abusive, he has never been physical with me. I did not add that I can be a real female dog when I’m in a corner and I don’t think he would dare. Being mentally unstable? It’s a very big possibility, I think Luvmycat hit it on the nail with the whole empathy thing, it’s something I’ve been thinking for awhile. I think he just doesn’t have any emotion really, at least I’ve never seen it. Like I said he has tried to change, but I don’t think he realizes why I want him to change he just changes so I will stop leaving him. He doesn’t get my feelings or emotions this is obvious since he keeps doing things to upset me.
As my sister said, there are too many men out there to waste my time on one.
Thanks so much guys, you made me feel so much better.
It has been said (accurately, I think) that men marry women expecting them not to change, and women marry men expecting to change them.
One really discouraging thing I learned early on (about 7th grade) is that girls like the bad boys and will walk right past a great guy to baby a real jerk.
One really discouraging thing I learned early on (about 7th grade) is that girls like the bad boys and will walk right past a great guy to baby a real jerk.
I know what it's like hon. Like I said I've been there, and sometimes DH can be so sweet and caring and then other times it's like he doesn't give a darn about my feelings. I've suggested marrige counseling but he just says that we don't need it.
In both DH's and my first marriages we made the mistakes of trying to change the person. Learned the hard way. This time around, we accepted 100% of how the other person was. Its much better that way.
If you think you will change the things you don't like about your gf or bf, forget it - either accept them for who they are or find someone that matches who you really want in that person
If you think you will change the things you don't like about your gf or bf, forget it - either accept them for who they are or find someone that matches who you really want in that person
There are other ways of being abusive towards someone else that doesn't include physical violence - like mental & emotional abuse. My ex-husband never laid a hand on me, either (although he did raise his fist towards me once in an attempt to hit me, but I put a stop to that right away - and he DID physically abuse his first ex-wife), but there was plenty of emotional abuse going on. And the ex b/f never hit me, either - but he caused plenty of emotional AND mental abuse that left plenty of lasting scars. Just b/c your b/f doesn't abuse you physically doesn't mean that he isn't abusive...
I'm so glad to hear that you have a way out.
~KK~
My ex was never physically abusive to me, but he sure was in verbal and emotional - those are harder to spot on what is going on.
