So Much Sadness, Regret And Guilt Over Cat's Death

[kago87]

Sorry this is long but it's been a long stressful, sad two months for me...My 9 year old cat who I was more attached to than anything has always had a vomiting issue. When I did tests at the vet several years ago, nothing significant came up so just continued to try different foods and I seemed to have found one he did better with, only vomiting a couple times a month usually....up until beginning of last month, he all of a sudden vomited 4 days in a row and then acted very lethargic, not bothering to eat all day.

I took to the vet the very next day and they did blood work finding him to have very high liver values and pancreatitis. They gave him antinausea medicine, fluids, antibiotic shot, and suggested easy to digest food. Initially after returning home he seemed to perk up and eat some but then the next few days he again wasn't eating. I took back to the vet and left over night so they could monitor him giving him fluids thru an IV. At this point the vet noticed he started to show signs of jaundice. This was on a Friday and they were only open a half day on Saturday so I picked him up the next day and they said I could either transfer him to the emergency vet to continue care or I could care for him at home with giving subcutaneous fluids, which I chose to do myself.

For the next week he continued to do okay. Eating at least a little bit, tho not nearly as much as he used to. Otherwise was active, seeming normal as far as roaming around the house, using his scratching post. I brought back to the vet a week later to redo bloodwork hopeful I would see improvement. Liver values did improve slightly but were still very high and he was still jaundiced. I got discouraged with current vet because he didn't seem to have many suggestions for treatment.

Everything I started giving him (milk thistle, denamarin, appetite stimulant...was all from my own research.) So I took him to a second vet for another opinion. Second vet held off on doing new tests and just looked at blood work done from 1st vet. She had me give more subcutaneous fluids, two different antibiotics and also gave him pain medication...By this point my cat was no longer eating again so I started syringe feeding. He was actually very cooperative with the syringe feeding and I managed to work up to giving him a can and a half a day.

This went on for about 3 weeks...syringe feeding, fluids, antibiotics, supplements....He continuad to not eat tho and jaundice appeared to be getting worse. After a month having gone by since last blood work was done, 2nd vet did new blood work....some liver values had improved but others got worse, bilirubin was extremely high now, now had anemia, she also ran test for FELV, FIV, and FIP. First two negative but he did have a high FIP titer....at this point the vet suspected he did probably have FIP and nothing could be done.

I left crying but continued to hope that she was wrong and he could improve...however that week he started to decline rapidly. It was on a Monday she told about new blood work. By mid week I noticed him walking different, back legs appeared weak...then he started having accidents peeing on my bed...then Friday morning he had what appeared to be a seizure after i force fed him. It only lasted a few seconds but he remained very weak and had labored breathing. I thought he for sure wouldn't be alive by the time I returned from work that day. Thankfully he was. I didn't want him to suffer, so seeing his rapid decline I decided I should put him down.

I put him in his carrier and was going to take to the emergency vet that night, only vet open at that time, but I looked at him and broke down and couldn't do it. I spent all day Saturday with him laying around. He had several more seizure episodes Saturday and Sunday as well as continued to urinate where ever he was laying. I knew I couldn't let this pain go on, feeling like I was torturing both of us with prolonging the inevitable. So I finally gathered the strength to bring him in on Sunday evening to be put down.

I read all about it online, I planned to be with him, I wanted it to be peaceful for him...It didn't go that way. Vet tech took him to another room to get him ready and he had another seizure. I could hear his yeowling from the other room which still haunts me. Vet tech returns to the room I'm waiting in and says he had another episode, we don't think you should be in there.

At this point I'm crying and can't think straight so I just say okay...that's my biggest regret out of everything. I bring him to this vet to be put down peacefully and instead he dies surrounded by strangers having a seizure! How do I get over the guilt of that!? I know it was time to put him down and he was suffering but at least at home he had the comfort of being in a familiar setting with me.

I have so many regrets. I should have figured out why he has always vomited, maybe it was due to something I let progress. I should have done more tests at the beginning of last month when he stopped eating. I should have done an ultrasound, an x-ray...found out for sure what was going on instead of just trying different medicines! Was it for sure FIP, or was it something else that could have been treated with the right diagnosis?

I know by the end it was too late and it was right to let him go and not let him continue to suffer but I should have been with him at the end! That kills me more that anything. I loved him so much and I miss him so much and now I have all these regrets of things that I should have done differently.

 

[Mashkasheli]

I am so very sorry for your loss and to read your sad story. After reading your story I really beg you not to feel guilty. You took your angel to the vet and for second opinions and I think you did the best that you possibly could. You made the very brave decision (and I know how difficult that is because I lost my Sheleg just 3 weeks ago too) to have him put down, and unfortunately it did not work out as planned. It was out of your control, and you had only the best intentions and love for him. It's not fair and it hurts but you loved each other for 9 years. I know you are grieving now and that the hurt is unbearable but he is not suffering anymore and your love for each other will last a life time. Sending you hugs and you are in my thoughts. Take care love.

 

[di and bob]

I cry for the guilt and doubt you are going through, it is all a part of the grieving process. You did so much for that sweet boy.....sub Q treatments, force feeding, medications, vet visits, don't ever think you didn't do enough or was wrong, it always comes back to haunt us, no matter what we do.He was at the end of his life, I'm so sorry, but there is nothing that could have been done except to prolong his suffering, and that you could not do. You were there for him at the end, you were right there in his heart and mind. He knew your love and caring, he felt your presence sending him love and comfort. It is always the hardest thing to do, to let go. All those should haves, could haves, ALWAYS come later when we ponder on our every move and pick apart every action we undertook. Don't go there. Instead try to concentrate on what that little boy brought to your life, the love, the laughter, the companionship of being together. Let it over ride all those negative, bad thoughts, it is not something that sweet boy would want for you to remember him by. He loves you too much for that and only wants you to remember him with love, not overcome with grief. Go forward, don't dwell in a past that cannot be changed. Live and find the sunshine once more, just how you would want him to live if you were the first to go. The bond you forged with him can never be broken or taken from you, his new path will always follow yours, he will always be near. That is so because it is spiritual, so eternal, it will never die.
Your grief is new and soul crushing, time is the only thing that will help with that. It will dull the sharp edges and allow you to remember him with fondness and love, not tears. Let that pain out, let your love for him grow and push it out, share your burden with others who understand what you are going through, so it can lessen a little. And most of all know in your heart that having and sharing your life with that little boy is something that can never be equaled, never knowing him at all unthinkable. Use your precious memories to bring yourself comfort, ask for him to send you comfort, he will. The spirit never dies. Take care....... RIP sweet boy, you will never be forgotten and will forever hold a place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet the one you love again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Furred Friend, dream you deep. Your paw prints are on someone's heart forever.

Sometimes all we can do is just not enough, and we tear at ourselves because of that. But...all we can do is all we can do, and you did everything right. One day, you will know that. Not yet, but one day. And you were with him every moment that counted, you were with him every moment that he was aware of.

I'm going to be just a little graphic here, but you need to know this. Once the seizure began, he was not concious, not aware, had no pain. The yowling is part of a short-circuit in the brain that is the seizure. HIS last knowledge was of you, then a few moments without you. That is all. That is how seizures work. So give yourself a small break on that one, my dear, dear New Friend. Had you been with him, he would not have known, but you would have had the pain of seeing that seizure without the understanding that he felt and knew nothing of it.

 

[kago87]

Thank you all for the caring replies. I'm trying so hard to focus on the fact that he is no longer suffering and we did have 9 wonderful years it's just hard this week with only having lost him 4 days ago. Thank you Mamanyt1953 for describing the seizure to me. I didn't know any of that and have been haunted thinking of his cries and thinking he spent his last moments suffering without me. It helps to know he probably wasn't aware of any of it so thank you. I know with time it will get better. Again thank you for the responses, it helps to read your reassuring words when I start doubting everything that happened.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry that you had to experience all that, but you did so much for him and sometimes no matter how much we do it is not enough, it is their time to move on unfortunately, but you did so very much for him and he loves you for it, and the grief is controlling you now and it will, but with time things will settle down and you will not feel so guilty and upset, it still hurts but it isn't as sharp as time dulls the pain. I am sorry this happened and you had to endure all that.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

 

[kago87]

I am so sorry that you had to experience all that, but you did so much for him and sometimes no matter how much we do it is not enough, it is their time to move on unfortunately, but you did so very much for him and he loves you for it, and the grief is controlling you now and it will, but with time things will settle down and you will not feel so guilty and upset, it still hurts but it isn't as sharp as time dulls the pain. I am sorry this happened and you had to endure all that.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you.....

Thank you...I fought for him so hard and in the end I still lost him no matter how hard I tried not too...I really do hope he knew how much I loved him in the end.

 

[solomonar]

It is not "surrounded by strangers". You were there with your cat and believe me - he knows that! Do not confuse human sensor's realm, based on eyes/visual signals with the cat's environment which is absolutely different, based on smells, memories and position's relation.

It is said sometimes that "Cats knows All" - and not without reason.

I also second Mamayt on the seisure's facts.

You did your best - and even more. But there is nothing in this world to modify the Faith. We are not masters of our life, nor of other creature life.

Milk drops to remember and take care!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

[QUOTE="kago87, post: 4475511, member: 10012087".].I really do hope he knew how much I loved him in the end.[/QUOTE]

This I can tell you, you may now let go of the hope, and take a firm grasp of the certainty that this boy started his New Adventure knowing how loved he was, and is, and that that love was, and still is returned, "full measure, heaped up, pressed down and overflowing."