Should I be worried - no proposal after 10 years?

[cococat]

My problem is that he keeps telling you lies (what you want to hear), you believe them, then you are let down in a big way. Not cool.

I had some friends that had been together for many years (about 7) when they got engaged. Shortly before the wedding, like a few weeks, they broke up. They just weren't ready. Truth be told they never would be. It just wasn't right. They no longer speak and both are with other people now.

Then my best friend got engaged and married within a year of knowing the person, many years later they are living happily ever after. They were a great match, and they both knew it. It is so subjective based on each couple, not age, who you have been with before, or this or that, for everyone it is different.

If you are wanting more...and he doesn't...please think about that closely. Your thoughts and opinions matter. Sounds like you have already put pressure on him to no avail. That speaks more than his words IMO.
You can bet he does feel pressure, why don't you talk to him about his fears and concerns.

 

[abbycats]

Originally Posted by davecat

I dont want to be married, I want him to propose. I would like to have a long engagement, but the longer it is left the shorter the engagement will end up being.

You just want the proposal but not the marriage yet? Are you ready to get married? Usually after the proposal the wedding plans start.

 

[luvmy2cats]

You guys are pretty young. DH and I got together when we were 17. We moved in together when we were 24 and he proposed like five months later. So basically we were together almost nine years before we got hitched.

 

[catlover19]

I have been with my fiance since I was 15 (I am 21, almost 22 now). He just proposed a month ago but I thought it was never going to happen. We have been living together for almost 4 years and had talked about marriage and knew we both wanted to get married, but he kept saying he just wasn't ready to propose. It turned out that he had been looking at rings and had been planning to propose, he just didn't know what kind of ring I liked.

I don't think the you need to date other people before you get married. Some people find the one they are meant to be with while they are young. I had one other boyfriend when I was 14 for about a month and he has never dated anyone else. Neither one of us can imagine being with anyone else.

 

[mews2much]

I was with my Husband over almost 10 years when we got Married. My Sister was with her bf about 10 years also. You have time you are only 22. There is no rush to get Married at your age.

 

[goldenkitty45]

I do agree that you should not get another place to live till you are married. People put off doing things "till I make this much, till this happens...etc" - any kind of excuse.

If he's using those excuses, then put them down on paper with a date of "accomplishment" - for a goal. Then ask him what date the marriage will be (at least get a year if not a month/year). Maybe on paper he will be more willing to work towards those goals, instead of just talking about it.

 

[natalie_ca]

Why do you need a piece of paper to bind you? One of my friends that I've known since I was something like 14 years old met a guy when she was in university. They have lived together for over 20 years. They are committed to one another, they have bought and sold houses together. They vacation together. They are life partners. Just because they haven't gone into a church or before a Judge and signed a piece of paper doesn't make them any less involved and committed with each other.

The same goes for my brother and his partner. They met in 1992 and have lived together since 1993. Neither feel the need to sign a piece of paper to feel more committed to one another. They own a house together and each are in each other's wills.

You are young, only 22 years old. That's way too young to get married. Stop doubting how your boy friend feels about you. If he didn't love you he sure wouldn't be living with you. If things are good, just live for today and stop worrying about a formal proposal.

 

[urbantigers]

Tbh, I've not known many 22 year old guys who were ready for marriage. Not saying none are, but in my experience most run a mile at the thought of such a long term committment at that age.

Does he know you are wanting him to propose to you? Where men are concerned, never assume these things! Even if you've mentioned it or dropped hints, it may have gone in one ear and out the other. Besides, it's 2008 - why dont you propose to him? Have you seriously discussed marriage with him? It may just be a case of you being ready for that step but him not being quite ready to make that commitment. No matter how long you've been together, marriage is a huge committment and it can be a bit scary. If it's bothering you that he hasn't proposed, then I think it's something you need to talk about openly and honestly. Have you ever discussed future plans together? If you've ever mentioned things like marriage and kids how does he respond? Does he change the subject or does he talk as though he sees a future with you? I think a bit of plain talking is needed here. Time to sit down and discuss your future together.

You say you want a long engagement - that's something I've never really understood - why? Esp as you're living together. Surely, if you are ready to commit to marriage (by becoming engaged) you are ready to actually get married? To me, being engaged to be married is a stage prior to marriage when you plan everything etc. It's not something that goes on for a few years. It seems a bit pointless and unnecessary to me, esp when the parties involved are already living together. I suppose my point here is that if I dont' get that there's a good chance that he doesn't! Maybe he thinks that because you don't want kids yet, there's no hurry to get married and he isn't understanding that you'd like to become engaged well in advance of being married.

 

[swampwitch]

Things are going good for your guy, why would he do something crazy like propose so that everything changes? And you should ask yourself how being engaged would change your relationship, and why you want that change.

It sounds to me like you gave up some things to move in with him, and you weren't really ready to do that. Now you want him to give back with the promise to marry.

Many women want and need a feeling of stability in a relationship that only engagement and marriage can bring. There's nothing wrong with that.

You need a serious discussion with him. Your relationship is not going to go well if you feel resented and taken for granted.

He needs to realize... how does that song go? You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone...

 

[sweets]

I would say we are quite grown up having left school at 16 and both gone and got decent jobs locally

You are 22 yrs old with no high school diploma, "decent" jobs and you are worried because you don't have a ring on your finger? You have a long life ahead of you! Go back and get your GED and a CAREER before you think about marraige and kids. How will you talk your kids into staying in school if you didn't? (You always want better for your kids)

 

[oscarsmommy]

Travis and I were together 4 years when we got engaged and lived together for 2. I knew that he would propose at the right time and we both knew we wanted to marry each other. We also knew that we weren't about to rush into anything unless we are financially stable. We have now been engaged for a year and a half and have JUST started wedding plans. We wanted to wait for the right time. We both have college educations and very steady jobs and now is the right time for us.

Why would you want to rush into this? I understand you have been together for so long but why go into something just to make it official? That's how Travis and I are looking at it. Why rush when we are happy how we are and the wedding will just make it official

Just my 2 cents....

By the way, we are 22!

 

[mrblanche]

You know, the funny thing is that just recently, it was noted that the marriage rate had fallen way off in the UK, allegedly because of their welfare laws. But we heard just this week that marriage is way up in Sweden.

 

[momofmany]

At 22, I felt pressured to marry the man I was living with at the time. I was married at 23 and divorced at 26 and I'm surprised we made it that long. We married for all the wrong reasons, and some of them I hear in your questions. Don't get married simply because you've already been together for 10 years and living together for 3. Get married when you are absolutely sure that you can make a lifelong commitment to each other.

My current marriage has lasted over 18 years. We made the commitment to each other and then I asked him to marry me. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know the answer in advance. If you don't know his answer if you asked him today, it's not time.

 

[davecat]

Originally Posted by Sweets

You are 22 yrs old with no high school diploma, "decent" jobs and you are worried because you don't have a ring on your finger? You have a long life ahead of you! Go back and get your GED and a CAREER before you think about marraige and kids. How will you talk your kids into staying in school if you didn't? (You always want better for your kids)

I would definatly say we both have a career. We both knew what we wanted to do at a young age. My partner left school as soon as he could and went straight in to an excellent job and has moved around to move on up and better himself in his career.
I stayed on at school a few years longer to get A levels and then started working in something I have always wanted to do and have moved on up in my role too.
Both of us would never go back to school or college or University. All of our friends are still in uni and we are already a lot futher than they will be and without the debt it causes.
As I had said quite early on in the thread, we both knew we wanted to be together and knew what we had to do to get there.
We are now the youngest people we know who own a place in an extremly expensive part of England and that is something that a lot of 30+ year olds are finding extremly difficult to do.
We worked towards that by knowing how much debt that university costs and knew that as we didnt want to be lawyers or docters, university was not a requirement and we have got an excellent head start in life long careers.

Its a shame he hasnt proposed yet. If I was not christian, then we could be just life long partners. But I want it to be spiritual. I knew that he was 100% athiest when I met him, and thought that it wasnt going to be as important to him.
I know it would be important to him to do before we have children, but as that is a long way off then I can understand that he hasnt seen it as a priority yet.
I dont want to end up as another addition to the statistics that are flying around the news about how marriage is dropping in england.

I think that it was a good idea us living together before getting engaged now, unlike how I thought before, but it has been a longer wait than I had expected, and wanted.

I just feel it is one peice missing out of my life right now. I do not feel 100% complete and that is upsetting.

I write these things mostly in tears, so it is affecting me, and I really wish it didnt.

If I didnt get this affected by it then I am sure i wouldnt want it to happen in the first place

 

[davecat]

Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy

Travis and I were together 4 years when we got engaged and lived together for 2. I knew that he would propose at the right time and we both knew we wanted to marry each other. We also knew that we weren't about to rush into anything unless we are financially stable. We have now been engaged for a year and a half and have JUST started wedding plans. We wanted to wait for the right time. We both have college educations and very steady jobs and now is the right time for us.

Why would you want to rush into this? I understand you have been together for so long but why go into something just to make it official? That's how Travis and I are looking at it. Why rush when we are happy how we are and the wedding will just make it official

Just my 2 cents....

By the way, we are 22!

Exactly, we are 22 almost 23, financial stable and have lived together for 3 years. I dont see that as a rush and its not like we would rush in to marriage. That is why I wanted a proposal sometime soon so that we could enjoy it and plan a wedding at a later date and not rush into anything immediately.

 

[davecat]

Originally Posted by mrblanche

You know, the funny thing is that just recently, it was noted that the marriage rate had fallen way off in the UK, allegedly because of their welfare laws. But we heard just this week that marriage is way up in Sweden.

I do believe that marriage rates have dropped in the UK recently, but not as much as what the media make out.

The main reason for this is that the figures do not count the marriages going on abroad, and seeing as an awful lot of people in the uk are now deciding to get married abroad, this will knock on the figures.
It is very expensive to get married in the uK and many people can save quite a lot by having a smaller occasion abroad

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by davecat

It's a shame he hasn't proposed yet. If I was not Christian, then we could be just life long partners. But I want it to be spiritual. I knew that he was 100% athiest when I met him, and thought that it wasn't going to be as important to him.

i figured this was the case - it's your faith that is leading you towards marriage. i completely understand - personally, i wouldn't live w/someone, since it's my belief Christianity teaches against it [my church, anyway].
i'm not advocating you desert this man - you obviously love him. but there's a reason for the verse in 2nd Corinthians [6:14] - it's to prevent problems like this which can arise when these choices are made.
i really think you need to make it clear to him what your feelings are. men are notoriously unable to discern what we're thinking - they are [for the most part] quite concrete in their thinking - you have to TELL them!

 

[renovia]

Well it sounds like you have an amazing love and life with impeccable careers, frankly if you have everything going for you I'm not sure I'd want to get married ASAP, enjoy your charmed life while you got it honey. I wish you all the best in your next 60+ years.

I wish I could have left school early and landed a dream job where I make good money. I'm working my butt off like loads of other people with too much school debt, a mortgage etc...and I don't even have kids.


good luck

 

[goldenkitty45]

A few things to keep in mind. By living together, there is NO incentative for marriage. You've given him all he wants without the legal benefit, so why should he marry you? He can walk away any time he wants with no legal ramifications.

What would happen if you told him that you wanted to live apart till you had a marriage certificate?

 

[krazy kat2]

I have been married twice, widowed once after 3 weeks, ran the second one off when he threatened our daughter, and am still legally married to him as far as I know. My current partner and I were friends for 7 years before we became a couple. 23+ years later we still refer to ourselves as happily unmarried. Marriage is a piece of paper that does not require you to be civil if you ever break up. We reassess our marital situation periodically, and if there ever becomes a good reason, we will marry. Now we are going by "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." We do honestly believe that we are each other's true husband and wife in every way but legally. We have no mutual children, I have a daughter that that thinks of him as her dad.
Best of luck in whatever happens in your case. I hope it works our the way you want it to.