I am severely depressed and just can't stop crying...and I'm not a crying type of person. I think I've cried more in the past few days than I have total in the past couple of years. I keep having these random spurts of crying, and I can't control it. It's that time of the month, and I'm sure that has something to do with my emotional state, but I just feel so helpless. I've never gone through anything like this before.
How do you go about asking your best friend in the whole world if they don't feel that they are in the same place in life as you are? I don't feel like my husband wants to be in the same place that I do right now. I feel like nothing but a drain on him and that I'm doing nothing but holding him back in life.
My entire life I have only wanted to be a mother. I've always wanted tons of children. It ended up being that we only have one child, and not by choice. I have suffered from infertility for many years, and haven't been pregnant for about 9 years. We haven't used any form of birth control in that span of time. I feel like I need to try everything in my power to have at least one more child, otherwise I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and regret not doing everything I could. I also don't want my son to be alone in this world should something happen to my husband and I, even if he is an adult when it happens.
I know infertility is a hard thing to deal with (trust me, it's not a cake walk for me either) but I have met nothing but resistance from my husband since I have started trying to reach parenthood through other means than just the "jump in the sack" type of way. No matter what I have suggested, tried, or wanted to do it seems as though only his feelings/wants are observed. He thought ovulation predictors were a joke and didn't want me to use them. He didn't agree with seeing an infertility specialist and although he humored me through the first couple of visits, they were soon put to an end. We went to an introductory meeting for an adoption agency, but he didn't feel we were ready to do that yet, so we didn't go back. That was 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped keeping track. Recently we went through half of the PRIDE classes to become foster parents, but the "homework" they were having us do brought up too many bad memories from his childhood, so he didn't want to finish them and pressured me to stop. Keep in mind that all of this is spread out throughout a 9 year span, so it's not like I have sprung all of this onto him at once.
The last two times I was pregnant I was taking a medication called Clomid to help me ovulate. Both ended in miscarriage, but at least I got pregnant. About once a year I bring up trying Clomid again, but he immediately says no b/c it tends to make me a b**** for 5 days. He doesn't want to deal with me. Pretty much my only options for getting pregnant are Clomid or going straight to IVF. We can't afford IVF. I figure that if me being a b**** for 5 days is the least I can do to have another baby, then I should at least TRY. EVERY time I bring it up, though, he just says no. He won't even discuss it. Again, I feel as though my thoughts and feelings on the matter aren't even considered. My sister says I need to stand up and fight for what I want, but I don't want to pressure him into something HE doesn't want. You know??
Other than the foster parent classes, I have been trying to not discuss getting pregnant or babies for the past couple of years. I thought maybe he just needed some space. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe he just doesn't want more children? I don't know if I can live with that. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore? My birthday is shortly before Christmas, and he didn't get me a birthday gift, he didn't get me a Christmas gift, and he didn't get me a Valentine's gift. I just don't know what to think.
I thought I was pregnant this past weekend b/c my cycle was late and I took a test on Thursday morning and there was a VERY faint line. We left to go out of town on Friday afternoon and were gone all weekend. We were never out of each other's sights. I kept asking him if he would take me to get a pregnancy test so I could check again to make sure, and he kept changing the subject. Finally I picked one up in a gas station on the way back home and took one on Monday morning. It was negative. My cycle started yesterday and now I don't know if I was pregnant and had a miscarriage or if it was a false positive. Every time I tried to bring it up this weekend he would change the subject.
I went to my Endocrinologist today and she asked me about getting pregnant and it started me thinking about trying Clomid again. I asked him about it at lunch today and he got angry and once again flat out said no. I want nothing more than to have more children, and although I love him more than anything, if he doesn't I don't know if I can live with that.
I just don't know what to do.
How do you go about asking your best friend in the whole world if they don't feel that they are in the same place in life as you are? I don't feel like my husband wants to be in the same place that I do right now. I feel like nothing but a drain on him and that I'm doing nothing but holding him back in life.
My entire life I have only wanted to be a mother. I've always wanted tons of children. It ended up being that we only have one child, and not by choice. I have suffered from infertility for many years, and haven't been pregnant for about 9 years. We haven't used any form of birth control in that span of time. I feel like I need to try everything in my power to have at least one more child, otherwise I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and regret not doing everything I could. I also don't want my son to be alone in this world should something happen to my husband and I, even if he is an adult when it happens.
I know infertility is a hard thing to deal with (trust me, it's not a cake walk for me either) but I have met nothing but resistance from my husband since I have started trying to reach parenthood through other means than just the "jump in the sack" type of way. No matter what I have suggested, tried, or wanted to do it seems as though only his feelings/wants are observed. He thought ovulation predictors were a joke and didn't want me to use them. He didn't agree with seeing an infertility specialist and although he humored me through the first couple of visits, they were soon put to an end. We went to an introductory meeting for an adoption agency, but he didn't feel we were ready to do that yet, so we didn't go back. That was 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped keeping track. Recently we went through half of the PRIDE classes to become foster parents, but the "homework" they were having us do brought up too many bad memories from his childhood, so he didn't want to finish them and pressured me to stop. Keep in mind that all of this is spread out throughout a 9 year span, so it's not like I have sprung all of this onto him at once.
The last two times I was pregnant I was taking a medication called Clomid to help me ovulate. Both ended in miscarriage, but at least I got pregnant. About once a year I bring up trying Clomid again, but he immediately says no b/c it tends to make me a b**** for 5 days. He doesn't want to deal with me. Pretty much my only options for getting pregnant are Clomid or going straight to IVF. We can't afford IVF. I figure that if me being a b**** for 5 days is the least I can do to have another baby, then I should at least TRY. EVERY time I bring it up, though, he just says no. He won't even discuss it. Again, I feel as though my thoughts and feelings on the matter aren't even considered. My sister says I need to stand up and fight for what I want, but I don't want to pressure him into something HE doesn't want. You know??
Other than the foster parent classes, I have been trying to not discuss getting pregnant or babies for the past couple of years. I thought maybe he just needed some space. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe he just doesn't want more children? I don't know if I can live with that. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore? My birthday is shortly before Christmas, and he didn't get me a birthday gift, he didn't get me a Christmas gift, and he didn't get me a Valentine's gift. I just don't know what to think.
I thought I was pregnant this past weekend b/c my cycle was late and I took a test on Thursday morning and there was a VERY faint line. We left to go out of town on Friday afternoon and were gone all weekend. We were never out of each other's sights. I kept asking him if he would take me to get a pregnancy test so I could check again to make sure, and he kept changing the subject. Finally I picked one up in a gas station on the way back home and took one on Monday morning. It was negative. My cycle started yesterday and now I don't know if I was pregnant and had a miscarriage or if it was a false positive. Every time I tried to bring it up this weekend he would change the subject.
I went to my Endocrinologist today and she asked me about getting pregnant and it started me thinking about trying Clomid again. I asked him about it at lunch today and he got angry and once again flat out said no. I want nothing more than to have more children, and although I love him more than anything, if he doesn't I don't know if I can live with that.
I just don't know what to do.