Severely depressed and can't stop crying

[kara_leigh]

I am severely depressed and just can't stop crying...and I'm not a crying type of person. I think I've cried more in the past few days than I have total in the past couple of years. I keep having these random spurts of crying, and I can't control it. It's that time of the month, and I'm sure that has something to do with my emotional state, but I just feel so helpless. I've never gone through anything like this before.

How do you go about asking your best friend in the whole world if they don't feel that they are in the same place in life as you are? I don't feel like my husband wants to be in the same place that I do right now. I feel like nothing but a drain on him and that I'm doing nothing but holding him back in life.

My entire life I have only wanted to be a mother. I've always wanted tons of children. It ended up being that we only have one child, and not by choice. I have suffered from infertility for many years, and haven't been pregnant for about 9 years. We haven't used any form of birth control in that span of time. I feel like I need to try everything in my power to have at least one more child, otherwise I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want to be 80 years old and regret not doing everything I could. I also don't want my son to be alone in this world should something happen to my husband and I, even if he is an adult when it happens.

I know infertility is a hard thing to deal with (trust me, it's not a cake walk for me either) but I have met nothing but resistance from my husband since I have started trying to reach parenthood through other means than just the "jump in the sack" type of way. No matter what I have suggested, tried, or wanted to do it seems as though only his feelings/wants are observed. He thought ovulation predictors were a joke and didn't want me to use them. He didn't agree with seeing an infertility specialist and although he humored me through the first couple of visits, they were soon put to an end. We went to an introductory meeting for an adoption agency, but he didn't feel we were ready to do that yet, so we didn't go back. That was 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped keeping track. Recently we went through half of the PRIDE classes to become foster parents, but the "homework" they were having us do brought up too many bad memories from his childhood, so he didn't want to finish them and pressured me to stop. Keep in mind that all of this is spread out throughout a 9 year span, so it's not like I have sprung all of this onto him at once.

The last two times I was pregnant I was taking a medication called Clomid to help me ovulate. Both ended in miscarriage, but at least I got pregnant. About once a year I bring up trying Clomid again, but he immediately says no b/c it tends to make me a b**** for 5 days. He doesn't want to deal with me. Pretty much my only options for getting pregnant are Clomid or going straight to IVF. We can't afford IVF. I figure that if me being a b**** for 5 days is the least I can do to have another baby, then I should at least TRY. EVERY time I bring it up, though, he just says no. He won't even discuss it. Again, I feel as though my thoughts and feelings on the matter aren't even considered. My sister says I need to stand up and fight for what I want, but I don't want to pressure him into something HE doesn't want. You know??

Other than the foster parent classes, I have been trying to not discuss getting pregnant or babies for the past couple of years. I thought maybe he just needed some space. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe he just doesn't want more children? I don't know if I can live with that. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore? My birthday is shortly before Christmas, and he didn't get me a birthday gift, he didn't get me a Christmas gift, and he didn't get me a Valentine's gift. I just don't know what to think.

I thought I was pregnant this past weekend b/c my cycle was late and I took a test on Thursday morning and there was a VERY faint line. We left to go out of town on Friday afternoon and were gone all weekend. We were never out of each other's sights. I kept asking him if he would take me to get a pregnancy test so I could check again to make sure, and he kept changing the subject. Finally I picked one up in a gas station on the way back home and took one on Monday morning. It was negative. My cycle started yesterday and now I don't know if I was pregnant and had a miscarriage or if it was a false positive. Every time I tried to bring it up this weekend he would change the subject.

I went to my Endocrinologist today and she asked me about getting pregnant and it started me thinking about trying Clomid again. I asked him about it at lunch today and he got angry and once again flat out said no. I want nothing more than to have more children, and although I love him more than anything, if he doesn't I don't know if I can live with that.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[sharky]

and this is coming from my very sweet side.. Have you asked HIM if he Truly wants another baby?

 

[c1atsite]

Originally Posted by sharky

Have you asked HIM if he Truly wants another baby?

You can even word it like "I get the feeling you don't want another baby. Please tell me if that's true." Sometimes you gotta put the choices/answers out on the table easily for the person to say yea or nay and then good communication will often just flow from there.

 

[cococat]

Check your PM's.

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by c1atsite

You can even word it like "I get the feeling you don't want another baby. Please tell me if that's true." Sometimes you gotta put the choices/answers out on the table easily for the person to say yea or nay and then good communication will often just flow from there.

Ditto all of that.

It may be that he really doesn't want to have another child. And then you will be faced with the choice of accepting that and staying together as a couple with the family you have now. Or deciding that you want another child so badly that you are willing to leave the relationship and let him find someone who is of his like mind (no more children) and you find someone who wants some.

It's not uncommon for couples to have different goals where kids are concerned. That's why it's really important to discuss that aspect of the relationship prior to becoming deeply involved emotionally. This way if you are on different pages where the desire to have children at all, or the number of children to have, you can cut your losses.

 

[Winchester]

I wish I had something constructive to tell you, but I don't. I can give you a big (((hug))) though. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[baloneysmom]

Originally Posted by Winchester

I wish I had something constructive to tell you, but I don't. I can give you a big (((hug))) though. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Me too. I think the above posters have given some great advice to seriously and calmly just straight out ask about his opinions on another child. If he says no, calmly ask him why. This may open up a whole new conversation where it can give you a chance to calmly and unemotionally explain to him how important it is to you, or give him a chance to make you understand how important things are to him about not having one.

 

[kailie]

Originally Posted by Winchester

I wish I had something constructive to tell you, but I don't. I can give you a big (((hug))) though. I'm sorry you're going through this.

My thoughts exactly.

I can't say that I know what you are going through as I have never wanted children, but you are obviously hurting.

I hope that you can have a real talk with your husband hun and can come to some kind of agreement where you are BOTH happy, but he doesn't sound overly supportive. You deserve to be happy, and I truly hope this all works out for the best for you.

 

[coolcat]

....don´t give up...

Just sharing with you my friend....

....I got 10 years of married and not childrens by some problems as well you mentioned....

But life is great!..

believe me!...

 

[mbjerkness]

I also struggled with infertility . miscarriages and finally adoption. It took me 12 years to convince my husband to adopt a second time. He was so negative all the time. I desperately needed to a be a mother. Everyone said quit complaining you have one, get over it. I couldn't. I finally sat down and just poured it all out to my husband, I told him everything I felt. He said I knew you wanted another one, I had no idea it hurt you so much. He said let's try fertility treatments again. I even had surgery. nothing helped. He finally agreed to a second adoption. We went on to adopt a third, his desire this time. I have been where you are right now. It is very painful. You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel.

 

[-_aj_-]

aww hun i do hope between you and your hubby your can find a solution to it, i think your going to have to bite the bullet and ask outright why he doesnt want to try again through whatever method

 

[kscatlady]

Sounds like you had a chemical pregnancy. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Your husband sounds very unreasonable. I wish I had some advice for you. All I have to offer is

 

[stephanietx]

First of all, have you talked to your doctor about the crying during "that time" of the month? That's one of the classic signs of PMDD and there are ways to help control that.

Secondly, it sounds like you're grieving the loss of lots of things, which may or may not be magnified due to your hormones running amok since it's that time of the month. Have you considered getting counseling to help you through the grieving process? We don't just grieve the loss of people, we grieve the loss of dreams, hopes, relationships, jobs, friendships, and many other things. The process is all the same, but sometimes we need help getting over the hump and moving forward.

Wish I was there to give you a big hug and help you through this rough time.

 

[oodlesofpoodles]

Is it possible that your husband blames himself? Perhaps he does not want to continue this because he sees the pain it brings you and that brings him pain. Maybe he just wants to have your family the way it is in hopes that you will be happy again. Or maybe he just doesnt know how to handle everything you guys are going through. I am sure there is a reason for his actions.

Try to talk to him as openly and honestly as possible.

I understand the pain and frusteration, to a degree at least. I know my husband may be unable to get me pregnant. But it has not been such a long time. I wish i had the words of comfort but i dont. I hope everything works out and you two find your way though this.

 

[g_wayne]

First off, I would like to admit that I am the husband in question. Kara let me read the first post in this tread last night after I got home from a night of father son time with our 11 year old son. I thought that responding to this thread may be the best way to convince her of how I feel.

I love Kara and Greyson more then anything in the world and I wish our family was bigger. I grieve the loss of the children we have lost to miscarriages and think of the differences they would have made in our life. In spite of these facts I still want to grow our family and have taken steps with Kara to make this a reality in the past. I always tried to keep things light by joking about some of the things we had to do to get child number 2 or not seeming to show much interest. A lot of these actions and reactions to our situation was to maintain a strong presence so as to be able to pick up and hold together our family if things turned out negatively (as in we lose another child to miscarriage or failed to get pregnant again). I think this light hearted or less then serious attitude I portray has been taken as a sign that I do not wanting more children. This is not true now nor has it ever been.


We have done drugs, testing, meetings, and everything else that we can afford to make ourselves parents for second time. I have had to have blood drawn, which does not sound like a big deal to most but to a guy that is COMPLETELY horrified by needles, is a big deal. I also had to have my....parts and swimmers checked which was an extremely uncomfortable process to go through. Kara has been through much more and has done it with little to no complaining and for that I am and always have been amazed. Talking of what has been done in the past, I would like to share with you some things.

Our son who is 11 now is our second child, we lost one to miscarriage about two months before Greyson was conceived. That loss was rough on Kara and I both but even back then I was the emotionally stronger partner and was needed to help get Kara through this loss. Even while pregnant with our son, Kara still wept over that loss of that first baby. She is a very sensitive and caring person, and I love that about her.

Greyson and I also almost lost Kara to an ectopic pregnancy when our son was 1.5 years old. I had to rush her to the hospital where they preformed emergency surgery within an hour of our arrival. While Kara was in recovery the doctor came out and informed me that we were lucky we came in when we did. I was informed that within an hour or 2 the tube would have ruptured and the pain would have gone away. Kara would have gotten sleepy and fallen asleep and bled to death peacefully in her sleep. That scared the **** out of me and still gives me the chills thinking of losing her. That kind of explains the medical/emotional side of this situation. I may not be the best at explaining how I feel but I try my best.

The second part of this equation for me is the financial side. I grew up orphaned and poor. I remember not having enough to eat and being made to feel as a burden to the family members that took me in after my parents were killed. I swore back then that I would not subject a child to this when I grew up. I am a Machinist that opened my own company 2.5 years ago. I do not make a large amount of money yet so Kara has to work to help make ends meet. We are not poor but I look at what a second child will cost us per week and $200.00 in daycare, $50.00 to $100.00 in diapers, formula, clothes, etc, is daunting right now. Also, I know Kara wants to be a stay at home mom which would offset the $200.00 worth of daycare but what that does is force me to work 60 to 80 hours a week. I have pulled hours like that in the past and would do it if needed but then I never get to see my family. I would work 7 days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day while my family lived life without me. I know that resentment would set in and that would not be good for our family. I think that a 2 income family would be the only way we could comfortably grow our family but this is not what Kara wants.

Now, on to the Clomid. We have not discussed our infertility or adoption in a while. I know it is a sensitive subject so I approach it cautiously and only when Kara brings it up. While at lunch yesterday Kara told me she wanted to go back on it to get pregnant. Her endocrinologist was beating her up about getting pregnant and with the possibility of being pregnant last week I think pent up feeling and emotions brought out a need that Kara has worked hard to suppress. We talked about it and I did bring up that it makes her crazy for 5 to 7 days. I am not just worried about personally dealing with the mood swings, crying, and rage that she goes through but how these side effects will effect her work. I told her to call her doctor, get in to talk to her, and ask about possible avenues of minimizing the side effects. I may have came off to harshly yesterday during out talk, for that I apologize. It was a 7 minute conversation that I thought was settled until I walked through the door at 10:30PM when I read this thread.

I think I became an easy punching bag for emotional pain which is fine with me. I have thick skin and broad shoulders but what really hurt me was Kara thinks I do not love her anymore and forgetting about the gifts I did buy for her for both her birthday and Christmas. I admit they were small but I tried to listen to what she said she wanted and did my best to get them. As for Valentine's day, we drove to the Colorado Rockies and spent a weekend sight seeing and spending time together as a family. I did not get her a gift for Valentines day and now in hindsight I see that was an error.

In closing, I love Kara as much now as the day we got married. I do want more children and am on the same life path as Kara but have always had concerns that I feel get ignored when it comes to the practicality and the fiscal responsibility of growing our family. All I have ever asked for the past 7 years is that I do not have to be 100% of the fiscal responsible for our family because right now I would not be able to provide at a level I believe they deserve and still be involved in their day to day life which would not be fair or good for any of us.


I apologize to anyone who finds this post out of line or rude. Neither are my intentions. I simply hope that Kara reads this and tries to see that my concerns are as real and legitimate as her needs and that there is a middle point at which we can come to and move forward from.


And one last thing to help me fit in around here....








Nora has been sitting in my lap the whole time purring like crazy

 

[sharky]

NOT rude at all... I do believe what you wrote is wonderful and proof you and Kara must have a wonderful marriage... Maybe you and Kara need a quiet dinner out to discuss your concerns

 

[kscatlady]

DEFINITELY not rude in the slightest. I take back what I said about you being unreasonable. But you should talk to Kara face to face too. I have to say, it shows you are thoughtful to think of getting on here to respond to your wife. I hope things work out for you two!!

 

[marinewife05]

You both sound like you are completely devoted to each other and to your family. If you don't mind I will share my story with you.

I married my husband 5 years ago. Not long after we were married we decided we wanted a baby or "our" own. We both have children from previous marriages. I was still in my twenties at the time. I came off birth control and we began the "baby dance". Every month went by and nothing. Then on a trip to his brother's house my cycle was late. We went and bought 3 different pregnancy tests by three different companies and all were positive. Then a couple days later I started bleeding. My husband's brother talked him into taking me to the ER and the doctor very rudely came in and told me I wasn't pregnant and left. I broke down immediately. I didn't undertand...why would I have 3 positive tests if I wasn't pregnant. I spoke with my sister who went through infertility and miscarriages herself (plus she's a pharmacist) and she said I may have had a "chemical pregnancy" or an early miscarriage.

My sister suggested I try some medication b/c she had to have progesterone in order to maintain her pregnancy with her second child. I took progesterone and we too did the Clomid thing. At my doctor's suggestion I started charting temperatures and we did the "baby dance" every time I said "now, it's gotta be now". A couple of years went by and nothing. Finally I went to a specialist and we were going to try IUI...we couldn't afford IVF. We were going to do this procedure after my husband came home from his tour in Iraq which was approaching a few months down the road.

I decided to quit my job, which I hated and kept me stressed all the time. I wanted to spend the last few weeks with my husband before his deployment. By this time we had stopped "trying" to get pregnant. No more meds, no more temperature charting...nothing. The only thing we were doing was the "baby dance" with no protection. Getting pregnant was the furtherest thing from both of our minds. My husband was deployed to Iraq and I found out we were pregnant one week later.

We now have a healthy and happy 2 year old daughter.

I wish you both luck.

 

[alleygirl]

Originally Posted by sharky

NOT rude at all... I do believe what you wrote is wonderful and proof you and Kara must have a wonderful marriage... Maybe you and Kara need a quiet dinner out to discuss your concerns

I hope you are able to work things out so that you both are happy with the results, whatever they turn out to be. Best of luck to you both.

 

[ldg]

G - that's very powerful and I can't imagine why you would think any of it was out of line or rude. It took a lot of strength, and your love and admiration for Kara radiates throughout.

Kara, I'm so sorry you've been having such a tough time lately. Communication when we're emotionally in knots (compounded with being bombarded with hormones) can become so difficult. I hope this opened up a new avenue of communication that will help the two of you find your path into the future together.

Many vibes to both of you.