Seriously considering rehoming cat and torturing myself

[tillysmom]

If you look at my previous posts you will see that adopted a very needy, active, aggressive eight year old grey girl 6 months ago. She also had ear mites, ringworm and a UTI, even though I was told she was healthy. I wad also told she was calm and would be fine as an only cat of a working single person. That was also not true.

She is finally healthy after months of ringworm. Of course, I still have it after catching it from her!

I love her dearly but I need a life. She wants to be with me and play every minute I'm home. She cries and begs constantly. I don't go out anymore except for work because i feel guilty leaving her for more than a run to the grocery store. I realize that some of this is my own issue but it's hard to retrain myself not to worry when she fusses so much when I leave.

Aside from the neediness, the bigger issue is the aggression. I have been trying to retrain the love bite behavior and thats going well, the flat out anger/fear aggression is a different story. It came to a head last week when she attacked me in the middle of the night. She had been crying and crying at 3:30am, I shushed her with no luck. I brushed her away from the side of the bed with small pillow....she left the room and then ran in at full speed, jumped on the bed and sank her teeth into my arm. That is about the fourth time she's done that since she's been with me. One of the times I actually had to pry her head off my arm. These scare me alot. I've had several cats in my lifetime, even cranky ones, and have never dealt with this.

I've been wracking my brain for a solution but nothing I have tried seems to make her happy. I have considered a second cat because I think that would help but honestly, I didn't want two cats in the first place.

I contacted the rescue group I got her from for any tips or more background info. They offered to take her back and place her in her previous foster home with her sister, who she was raised with. I asked previously about her sister but was not given any information other than, " she will probably stay in foster, she may not be adoptable". I'm not sure what that means but it makes me uneasy. My kitty might be happier back with her sister and I'm assuming in a bigger home with possible more activity.

I feel guilty though, like a failure. I never wanted to be the person that takes an animal back but I do believe that both the human and the animal should be happy in the equation...at this point, neither of us is. When I think about giving her up I just start crying and I'm not sure I can do it. I'm afraid to give her back to people that didn't do a good job in finding her a home in the first place....but...she would be with her sister. I wish I knew if that's what she wanted and if it was a good thing.

I'm torturing myself

 

[stephenq]

Hey @Tillysmom

You aren't a failure, not by a long stretch.  Have you tried feliway?  It can help in some cases.  If you haven't I would give that a shot, but it may be time soon to take the rescue group up on their offer and placing her with her sister is a kind option.  If the group is no kill and they promise you they won't euthanize then I think you can be confident that she will get to lie out her life.

Sometimes all it takes is a new home, nothing personal on you at all, its just what the cat needs in some cases.  Regardless you aren't failing this cat.  Think about what's in the cat's best long term interest and that will likely be your best interest as well.

 

[Ms. Freya]

I agree with StephenQ - you're not a failure. It's important for adopted cats (edpecially higher needs cats) to be matched with an adopter whose lifestyle works for them. It sounds like your girl did bettter in foster care with her sister, and so long as the group lets them live together in peace, that may be kinder to her. It's not uncommon for cats who are good on their own with another animal in the house to be very nervous of actually being alone.

I will second the suggestion of Feliway, if you haven't arleady tried it, though. It does wonders for my guys.

In the end, you've loved her enough to get her to this point and healthy, you'l know what's right for her (and your) happiness.

 

[tillysmom]

Thanks to both of you. It's been a tough day. Of course she has been on her best behavior today but it is the weekend after all, which usually means, all lap, all day. I've been bursting into tears on and off all day thinking about this.i actually had a dream last night that I found twenty cats in my attic (which doesn't exist, I'm in a small apartment) and the first thing I thought was, I can only have two...I'm going to have to find homes for all the rest. Obviously, it's on my mind.

I have thought about feliway but I feel like I'm just masking her true self...she's not necessarily a bad cat, in fact she is so clean and non- destructive, it's amazing. Most nights she sleeps through the night with no issues.

I think she's just so bored and doesn't have enough outlets. She is the smartest cat I've owned and I don't think this environment is enough for her. I wish I could provide her with a safely enclosed yard where she could chase bugs all day or at least a larger living space. She would probably so much happier.

 

[stephenq]

Feliway doesn't mask behavior, it just helps cats realize that things are ok, when it works,  You/re a great cat parent.  Meditate on all of this, give it a little more time perhaps, let her speak to you, and when you're ready and you think she's ready, see what the next step should be.

 

[red top rescue]

I have a cat like that, in fact the whole litter is high energy, but one female in particular has that hostility thing.  I would never place her as an only cat, and I wouldn't place her with an inexperienced cat person either.  Right now I have her, one sister and two brothers, plus her mom and aunt.  They came through rescue from an old lady who died.  There is some Bengal in her line maybe 2 generations ago and it seems to have surfaced in her most of all, and her sister also but slightly less.  The boys are better, although one of them takes three days to adjust to a newspace (even mine!) and does dragon imitations and hides in his man cave.  But left alone, he gets over it and is then very sweet.  I still have them (the kittens are now one year old) because placement must be with a special person, and that person has not yet applied for any of them.  In the meantime, I make sure they are worn out at least once a day, preferably twice, chasing DaBird (daylight) or the Red Bug (laser) when it's dark.  That keeps them pretty happy, but they do have each other to wrestle with.  If I were you, I would return your cat to the rescue group and let it go back into foster with the sister.  Certainly the group now knows better about the cats' needs, and I'm sure they are just like us, they wantboth the cat and the owner to be happy and if that isn't happening, they want the cat back so they can find it the appropriate home OR keep it forever.  I will foster these cats the rest of my life if we can't find them the right home, and they do just fine here.  Yours will too, and you should not torture yourself about it.  Let her go back and find yourself a nice laid back cat who will be happy in your situation.  I just placed one like that last week and have a couple of 6-year-old black manx brothers that would be perfect gentlemen in a home like yours.  Poor things are casualties of divorce, neither human parent claimed custody and they ended up at their vet's office.  Now we have them and they are real sweeties.  I hope someone like you adopts them soon.

 

[tiho]

This is very hard for you, but I think for the cat as well. It would be better for her to go back to be with her sister. They should not have been separated. If she was fine there she should be allowed to stay with her sister & be at peace. Is the rescue a no-kill?

My previous cat was not adoptable because of aggression issues. She had been with our SPCA for quite a long time because she needed rehabilitation & care first,(they are no-kill) & had been returned a number of times because the would-be adopters didn't like her. She had lived on a farm in the outdoors before being taken to SPCA.She had not been handled. When I came to adopt her they had decided the best thing for her was to put her to sleep. I was her last chance.
It took a long time for her to mellow, but she still had aggression problems every now & then. When she attacked, I would leave her be until she calmed down. Then she would be fine. Unfortunately, cats who attack are not adoptable unless they can be rehabilitated & carefully placed. I hate to think how she was treated before. Sadly she became very sick & had to be put to sleep, but we had 5 years together & she was as happy as she was able to be.

You have not failed her. Her aggression is not a personal thing against you & you have been able to show her not all humans are horrible. She will surely be missing her sister, too. Some cats just don't like being an only cat. Please don't beat yourself up. You could think about getting 2 bonded cats, be they siblings or best friends. They would perhaps be cats who like a quiet owner & environment, etc..

 

[datagrrl]

I have to sing the praises of Feliway my feral kitten Is much calmer. I think it helps because my girl because she is an only cat. I think it gives her the freedom to be calmer. Like someone else is telling her this place is safe.

 

[shadowsrescue]

Feliway is really a remarkable product.  Yet the key to using it is to be sure you have it in the right location as well as possibly needing more than one in your house.  When I brought a feral/stray into my house last spring, I needed one in his room to start with.  When he was allowed out and about and was having time with my resident cat, I needed 3 more plug ins.  I also found the spray to be useful for areas I didn't have a plug in.

Another product I found useful is Composure feline calming  treats or Composure Liquid max.  The cat I brought inside last year, would yowl, cry and meow all night.  I would give him 3 feline treats before bed and he was so much calmer.  When he was being introduced to my resident cat, I switched to the liquid max to put in his wet food.  I felt that the liquid worked quicker and for longer periods.  This product does not alter their personality, but allows the cat to feel more safe and secure in its surroundings. 

I would also suggest starting a routine with her.  Have meal time, play time and bed time.  Try to stick to a schedule.  She will begin to associate her day with a schedule.  Also check out Jackson Galaxy's site.  He is the Cat Daddy and has a show on Animal Planet called " My Cat From Hell".  He has marvelous ideas for difficult cats.

 

[tillysmom]

Red Top Rescue - Thank you so much for your post and kind words. It was great to hear from someone who is dealing with similar cat temperament. It made me feel better when you said you had a female with a "hostility thing". I said to myself, Yes, that's exactly it! She just seems so annoyed sometimes! I cannot touch her when she is on the tippy top of her cat tree...I would have no fingers left.

Most of my family and friends think "all cats are the same...lazy". They are so wrong. I try to explain that some cats are Jack Russells and some cats are english bulldogs. They get the dog references better. They also think I should just force her to adjust to whatever lifestyle I want, no matter how she feels about it. I don't really think that's fair. I didn't get a cat to leave home ALL the time by itself but I do work all day and I do have social outings now and then. I just want her happy and I don't want to have to play every minute I'm home. I wish the rescue group I worked with had had a better handle on her behavior. I hate to re-home her AGAIN but even though she can be skittish about noises, etc she loves all people and adjusts pretty quickly to new situations. She was queen of this castle in no-time, no hiding, no crying just plopped on my lap and done. Plus, she would be going back to the home she was fostered in so not really new.

tiho - I wish she could tell me if she missed her sister. That would make the decision easy.

Datagrrl and Shadowsrescue - I have a feliway and should plug it in. I am concerned about the cost but it looks like it could be only $10 a month through Amazon. As far as having multiple ones, my apartment could basically be considered a studio since it's so small. One would cover the LR, bath and kitchen. She really is never in the bedroom, except at night. I did buy calming treats. She wouldn't touch them. She is EXTRA EXTRA finicky. I do watch Jackson Galaxy whenever he's on.

I am still ruminating on it and she's being an angel of course...although she still wants to play constantly.

Thanks everybody.

tillysmom

 

[stephenq]

 
Feliway is really a remarkable product.  Yet the key to using it is to be sure you have it in the right location as well as possibly needing more than one in your house.  When I brought a feral/stray into my house last spring, I needed one in his room to start with.  When he was allowed out and about and was having time with my resident cat, I needed 3 more plug ins.  I also found the spray to be useful for areas I didn't have a plug in.

Another product I found useful is Composure feline calming  treats or Composure Liquid max.  The cat I brought inside last year, would yowl, cry and meow all night.  I would give him 3 feline treats before bed and he was so much calmer.  When he was being introduced to my resident cat, I switched to the liquid max to put in his wet food.  I felt that the liquid worked quicker and for longer periods.  This product does not alter their personality, but allows the cat to feel more safe and secure in its surroundings. 

I would also suggest starting a routine with her.  Have meal time, play time and bed time.  Try to stick to a schedule.  She will begin to associate her day with a schedule.  Also check out Jackson Galaxy's site.  He is the Cat Daddy and has a show on Animal Planet called " My Cat From Hell".  He has marvelous ideas for difficult cats.

Can you discuss a bit more how Composure treats work and do you have a link for Galaxy's site?

 

[shadowsrescue]

I have used the Composure calming treats on all my animals; cat and dogs.  My strays/ferals have done remarkable well on them.  Yet, my cats don't always care for the taste of the treats.  Here is some info on the treats:

Composure[emoji]8482[/emoji] is a calming support formula recommended for cats exposed to stressful situations, such as traveling, boarding, trips to the vet, grooming, and other stressors. This formula contains three main ingredients that work together to support calming and relaxation. The C3[emoji]8482[/emoji] colostrum calming complex supports stress reduction and cognitive function; L-Theanine helps the body produce other amino acids, such as dopamine and GABA, to bring certain neurotransmitters back into balance; and B vitamins (thiamine) affect the central nervous system to help calm anxious cats.Composure[emoji]8482[/emoji] does not contain any herbs, and it helps to alleviate stress-related behavioral issues without affecting the cat’s energy levels or personality. Composure[emoji]8482[/emoji] Feline Bite-Sized Chews are available in a palatable chicken liver flavor for easier delivery.

I much prefer the Composure Liquid Max. It can be mixed in wet food and I only needed to give 1/2 t. in the morning and 1/4 t at night during the stressful period.  For maintenance dose, I give 1/4 t. 1x a day.  Here is some info on the Liquid Max

Composure[emoji]8482[/emoji] Max Liquid is recommended for pets exposed to increased environmental stressors, such as traveling, boarding, thunderstorms, trips to the vet, grooming, and other stressful situations. This formula contains three main ingredients that work together to support calming and relaxation without affecting the pet’s energy levels or personality.The C3[emoji]8482[/emoji] colostrum calming complex supports stress reduction and cognitive function; L-Theanine helps the body produce other amino acids to bring certain neurotransmitters back into balance; and B vitamins (thiamine) affect the central nervous system to help calm anxious animals.

I have also used the treats on my dog during thunderstorms, vet visits, traveling in the car and other stressful times.  I always have them on hand.

Jackson Galaxy's site is www.jacksongalaxy.com  You can search around for info on his shows.  He also does video clips for common behavioral problems.

 

[tillysmom]

And I am devastated. I've been in tears since I dropped her off 4 hours ago. I was able to give her directly to her foster mom so she only had to be at the adoption center for twenty minutes before returning to her original foster house and her sister. I asked about her sister again and the foster mom said that she was unable to touch her, at all. She said she thought they were poorly socialized. I wish they would have told me that. It would have saved me and Tilly alot of heartache. I asked if they would try to adopt her out again, she said she didn't know. I mentioned that I thought she would do great with someone who was aware of her activity level and high prey drive and was home more because she's a total lap cat. The woman said "that's a shame because I really don't have much time for that". Huh?

I guess I was naive in thinking she was getting human interaction in foster? I know she will have other cats and I know she will like that but I wonder about the human contact. Maybe that's why she was so clingy. I know I have no right to worry about her now....but I do. I wish it could have been different.

I am mad at myself for choosing a cat that would not do well in my household and I'm mad at them for not being up front about her. Mostly I'm just really sad and I know I'm going to be lost for a while since she occupied every minute I was home for the last six months. I feel like I betrayed her and she didn't deserve that.

 

[stormi71]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation with Tilly. Rescue groups really are meant to dedicate the time to animals to help make them adoptable. Unfortunately with my past experience, I've found some groups blatantly lie. My situation was quite a few years ago with a dog. I wanted to do the right thing and rescue an animal. When putting in an application, it asked for the age group of animal you wanted. I put down a young dog, between 1-3 years. So long story short, I got a small dog who was, according to the foster carer, perfect for a family with young kids. I can't remember how long I had him, but he became very possessive of me, and started to dislike my husband and my two boys (who were 2 and 5 at the time). He started to poop in the boys room, and then he started to get aggressive. He would nip at my husband, who could assert himself, but he said if he ever had a go at the kids, he would be going back to the rescue house. So of course my two year old tried to pat him one day and my dog bit him. Just a warning bite, but it still hurt him. Eventually I called the rescue group and said the dog was not for us, and we wished to return him to her, rather than take him to a pound. She told me the kids just need to be dominate over him. I was like "my son is two! He doesn't even talk much!". I told her she needed to take the dog back or I'd take it to a pound. So she came and picked him up and made sure I felt as horrible as possible about it. THEN I saw on the website when they relisted him, that they put his age as a senior dog, over 8 years or something, so they had lied about age to me, and also that the dog was suited to a single person or older couple. Yes, it broke my heart having to send him back, but I had to do what was right for my family.
So don't feel it's your fault. It essentially is the foster carer's fault, she knew the temperament of the cat, and they are meant to be upfront and honest about that stuff. If they don't have time to do behavioural training or socialize with the animals, they shouldn't be a foster carer.

 

[autumnrose74]

^^^ Huh... And these are the same groups that go over applicants with a fine-tooth comb and disqualify perspective adopters for the stupidest nit picky reasons. I'm glad I went through an open adoption to get my Shelly

 

[tillysmom]

The rescue group I went to didn't seem that picky. They let me take Tilly home after talking with me briefly and filling out some paperwork but I'm a crazy animal person who always has cat food and a carrier in her car for strays. I think that shows.

I guess I should have expected more pickiness. That could have been a red flag. They did seem more leery with other potential adopters there. I think they just try to get the cats out the door, sadly, even the difficult ones who maybe need a little more care in placement.

In a way, at least they now know about her aggression. I can't bear the thought that she could have been adopted out to someone who hit her in response to the biting or didn't take care of her medical issues...but then again maybe she would have found a more suitable placement ...I'll never know

 

[angelinacat]

I am missing something.  What was wrong with Tilly?

 

[pinkdagger]

 
I am missing something.  What was wrong with Tilly?

Here's her post talking about the difficulties she had with Tilly.

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/277165/seriously-considering-rehoming-cat-and-torturing-myself

I am very sorry to hear it came to sending her back, but if she can be happier there and provided more there, even if it's just the company of her sister, you can feel that you've done the right thing for both of you. It's tough, for sure, but it's also not fair to live the way that you were if it wasn't working out. In foster situations, fosterers are told to treat the cats as if they are petsitting for someone else - so give them the care they need, but be ready to part with them. Maybe foster parents distancing themselves too much causes effects like that. In essence, all they're asked to do is give them a safe space to live in and food to eat. Anything more is out of the kindness of their individual hearts.

I wonder if they might consider adopting Tilly and her sister out together in the future, so they have the company and comfort of each other and Tilly's affection with people can lead her sister out of her "shadow cat"ness to open up. Foster homes should be open to doing that, but I can understand not wanting to form a tight bond with cats you may adopt out or don't have the resources for, for the rest of their lives.

 

[tillysmom]

Sorry. If you look at my previous posts you would see the issues. I guess I should have explained. I adopted her 6 months ago. She is 8. The rescue group did not tell me about her issues and she had a few health problems they claimed not to know about. I did not take her back right away because she had ringworm which took months to clear. From day one, she bit, for one reason or another. Love bites while petting...we worked on those, they were getting better.

The other biting was attacking, twice in the middle of the night and twice in the early evening. Those were scary and broke skin. Once I had to pull her off my arm. It was like she was possessed.

She is one of the smartest, neediest, most active cats I have ever met. I really think she would be best in a larger, more active household, possibly with another cat or someone who is home most of the time. There's a lot of other specifics in my other posts but it felt like she was bored and unhappy much of the time during the week. Weekends were better because I was home all day. The biting was getting worse and more frequent. No amount of playtime was helping. She was alway looking at my hands like they were prey. I was becoming more afraid of her.

I told the rescue group my schedule and what I was looking for. I don't think they really knew her personality even though they had her for six months.

 

[tillysmom]

I had initially asked about her sister at her first signs of boredom. I was told that she was unadoptable but didn't know what that meant until today when the foster person said that she could be handled at all.