Remembering Aniki

[tarasgirl06]

Some pictures of Aniki through the years

Oh wow. Baby kitten boy! And he grew up to look a LOT like Elvis. What a sweet boy!

Elvis, curled and smilin'

 

[Meekie]

Today I picked up Aniki's ashes.

I've never had such a hard time losing a cat. Probably because he was my first bottle feeder. I know I've got a long way to go because I can still feel his presence, even though it's only in my heart. Nothing is the same without him.

Every day I am confronted with reminders, and it hurts almost every time. Today I thought about the way I used to hide behind something, a wall or a door, and poke my head out real quickly. Aniki would see me and come running, chirruping all the way.

Rainy day today, and I just heard the first crack of thunder since last summer. Aniki was terrified of thunder. He had a designated closet where he would hide.

Found a couple tubes of anchovy paste, which I was using near the end to make his k/d more palatable. I threw them out quickly.

I left his carrier at the vet's when I took him in for the last time because I didn't want to walk back into the apartment with it empty. I picked it up today with his remains. I don't think I'll ever wash the towels that are still in there.

At this point I can't imagine ever getting over my grief, but I know I will. It seems so wrong to be separated from him.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Today I picked up Aniki's ashes.

I've never had such a hard time losing a cat. Probably because he was my first bottle feeder. I know I've got a long way to go because I can still feel his presence, even though it's only in my heart. Nothing is the same without him.

Every day I am confronted with reminders, and it hurts almost every time. Today I thought about the way I used to hide behind something, a wall or a door, and poke my head out real quickly. Aniki would see me and come running, chirruping all the way.

Rainy day today, and I just heard the first crack of thunder since last summer. Aniki was terrified of thunder. He had a designated closet where he would hide.

Found a couple tubes of anchovy paste, which I was using near the end to make his k/d more palatable. I threw them out quickly.

I left his carrier at the vet's when I took him in for the last time because I didn't want to walk back into the apartment with it empty. I picked it up today with his remains. I don't think I'll ever wash the towels that are still in there.

At this point I can't imagine ever getting over my grief, but I know I will. It seems so wrong to be separated from him.

I have been where you are in the journey of grieving more times than I want to remember. I would like to offer comforting words. But the reality is that there is no comfort words can bring. You will go through this, however you must. And you will in time go on, somehow, some way.
I empathize more than words can convey.

 

[Meekie]

I have been where you are in the journey of grieving more times than I want to remember. I would like to offer comforting words. But the reality is that there is no comfort words can bring. You will go through this, however you must. And you will in time go on, somehow, some way.
I empathize more than words can convey.

Thank you. That actually helps.

I'm a very introverted person, I rarely go out and have few friends. This is the way I like it and feel most comfortable. The only problem with this is that when I lose a cat it feels especially empty because so few people knew them. Luckily, I have a friend who loved not only Aniki, but Rico and Cosey as well.

I haven't lived without a pet since I was a little kid. For someone who rarely ever gets lonely....I AM SO LONELY RIGHT NOW!

 

[tarasgirl06]

Thank you. That actually helps.

I'm a very introverted person, I rarely go out and have few friends. This is the way I like it and feel most comfortable. The only problem with this is that when I lose a cat it feels especially empty because so few people knew them. Luckily, I have a friend who loved not only Aniki, but Rico and Cosey as well.

I haven't lived without a pet since I was a little kid. For someone who rarely ever gets lonely....I AM SO LONELY RIGHT NOW!

When I was born, our cat was 3. There have been catless times for me, but not many and not long. Having friends/relatives/colleagues who have known and loved your family members is a big plus. I turn to those when possible. I'm intensely social but on my terms, and if a person doesn't love (I didn't say "like") cats, they are not ever allowed to get close to me. The pandemic as well as my move has changed my social life a lot. It's now online, for the most part. And I have friends all over the world, almost all of whom love cats and most of whom advocate for cats. Most of these rescue, adopt, foster, rehome cats, too. There are many in war zones. They operate on next to nothing and do true labors of love. They scrape street cats off the ground, often with life-threatening injuries, and as part of one might say, a coalition of love, are able to effect miracles. At very least, they are able to comfort cats and let them know they ARE loved. It definitely gets me up every day and reminds me what I'm here for. (I also advocate/work for human and environmental entites and concerns, because bottom line, we ARE all interconnected.) The problem for me is having any "me time" but it's a minor problem compared to all of these.
You're already online. If you're on any additional social platforms, you might want to advocate for/share for cats in your local ACC/shelter/humane society/rescue/sanctuary/ies. It's a great way to not be lonely and to know that you are helping to save the lives of those you love. I know Aniki would LOVE that to happen. And who knows--it might go beyond that!

 

[Meekie]

When I was born, our cat was 3. There have been catless times for me, but not many and not long. Having friends/relatives/colleagues who have known and loved your family members is a big plus. I turn to those when possible. I'm intensely social but on my terms, and if a person doesn't love (I didn't say "like") cats, they are not ever allowed to get close to me. The pandemic as well as my move has changed my social life a lot. It's now online, for the most part. And I have friends all over the world, almost all of whom love cats and most of whom advocate for cats. Most of these rescue, adopt, foster, rehome cats, too. There are many in war zones. They operate on next to nothing and do true labors of love. They scrape street cats off the ground, often with life-threatening injuries, and as part of one might say, a coalition of love, are able to effect miracles. At very least, they are able to comfort cats and let them know they ARE loved. It definitely gets me up every day and reminds me what I'm here for. (I also advocate/work for human and environmental entites and concerns, because bottom line, we ARE all interconnected.) The problem for me is having any "me time" but it's a minor problem compared to all of these.
You're already online. If you're on any additional social platforms, you might want to advocate for/share for cats in your local ACC/shelter/humane society/rescue/sanctuary/ies. It's a great way to not be lonely and to know that you are helping to save the lives of those you love. I know Aniki would LOVE that to happen. And who knows--it might go beyond that!

I find it hard to get close to people who are (at the very least) ambivalent about cats or animals in general. I mentioned in another post recently how grateful I am for my friend who loved all three of my cats but what I didn't mention is that before he met my cats, he wasn't exactly a cat lover. He is now, and although I credit my cats for "educating" him, I like to think I had a little to do with it too.

There are a lot of people out there who are cat people but don't know it yet. All it takes is getting to know a cat to turn them!

I try not to be preachy about it because it can backfire, but I advocate for animals whenever I can. I wear a backpack to work and always have a small can or two of cat food in it in case I come across a hungry stray.

My last stint with the rescue group was exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking, but with kitten season fast approaching, I may volunteer again. My life situation is different now, so while I may not be able to foster a half dozen cats or do TNR, just cleaning cages at Petco on adoption day might be enough.

Or maybe just a start? Who knows? It really is the most rewarding work out there.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I find it hard to get close to people who are (at the very least) ambivalent about cats or animals in general. I mentioned in another post recently how grateful I am for my friend who loved all three of my cats but what I didn't mention is that before he met my cats, he wasn't exactly a cat lover. He is now, and although I credit my cats for "educating" him, I like to think I had a little to do with it too.

There are a lot of people out there who are cat people but don't know it yet. All it takes is getting to know a cat to turn them!

I try not to be preachy about it because it can backfire, but I advocate for animals whenever I can. I wear a backpack to work and always have a small can or two of cat food in it in case I come across a hungry stray.

My last stint with the rescue group was exhausting and sometimes heartbreaking, but with kitten season fast approaching, I may volunteer again. My life situation is different now, so while I may not be able to foster a half dozen cats or do TNR, just cleaning cages at Petco on adoption day might be enough.

Or maybe just a start? Who knows? It really is the most rewarding work out there.

One great thing about online advocacy is that you can do it from anywhere, for any entity that has an online presence.

 

[Meekie]

I'm always outspoken when the subject comes up. It's the only thing I'm at all militant about. I don't use social media, but I do post on a forum. You can read about Aniki there as well.

Perhaps in his memory I'll get more active advocating for cats and animal rights in general. The older I get the more urgent the cause feels to me.

 

[tarasgirl06]

You're so right about people not knowing, too. A lot of people just never have access to cats. I was so blessed to be born into a family of cat lovers, male and female, going back generationally for ???. I can't understand anyone not immediately loving them -- they're the most beautiful creatures! Soft, warm, agile, graceful, strong, and unconditionally loyal and loving, given the chance. The big cats inspire courage and bravery; the small ones are just mini-me versions of them. It's been said that people who love cats are caressing the tiger. And a book has been written about cats called THE TRIBE OF TIGER. To me, they are the Almighty's greatest masterpiece. Leonardo da Vinci said, "The smallest feline is a masterpiece" and I think he knew what he was talking about. But yeah, if someone doesn't know, they need to know.
You're doing wonderful and critically important work! Thank you, and don't stop!

 

[tarasgirl06]

I'm always outspoken when the subject comes up. It's the only thing I'm at all militant about. I don't use social media, but I do post on a forum. You can read about Aniki there as well.

Perhaps in his memory I'll get more active advocating for cats and animal rights in general. The older I get the more urgent the cause feels to me.

It's the greatest cause there is IMHO because it's so connected to everything. People who are raised to be compassionate, kind, caring, and personally responsible, to respect and protect the cat (and other living beings, but especially the cat) grow up to be better citizens and better citizens create and maintain better societies. It's no coincidence, I think, that there are so many Ukrainians who will not be separated from their cats.

 

[Meekie]

Cats to me represent a strong connection to nature, which has always been important to me. They bring a kind of wild beauty into your heart and soul. When you are in a loving relationship with a cat, you are immersed in nature.

 

[Margot Lane]

It always amazes me how completely different each cat in the world is, their personalities, their souls. Looking into Aniki’s eyes I can sense that wildness of which you speak and it IS true: it makes us more alive, awakens us to our own wild side. Though he is not here in the way to which you are used, he is IN you, and you are a part of him: you always will be. That small comfort, though it might seem but an ember now in your grief, will catch hold of your heart and serve you well, down the line. I am sure he would love to know you might honor him, by getting more involved in animal rights when you are ready to face that.

 

[tarasgirl06]

It's so true, Meekie and Margot Lane !

 

[Meekie]

It always amazes me how completely different each cat in the world is, their personalities, their souls. Looking into Aniki’s eyes I can sense that wildness of which you speak and it IS true: it makes us more alive, awakens us to our own wild side. Though he is not here in the way to which you are used, he is IN you, and you are a part of him: you always will be. That small comfort, though it might seem but an ember now in your grief, will catch hold of your heart and serve you well, down the line. I am sure he would love to know you might honor him, by getting more involved in animal rights when you are ready to face that.

Human beings are all different, why not cats? Many of them may look alike to us, but we're not equipped to notice the subtle differences because we're not cats! Still, any any cat owner would be able to find their cat room full of similar looking cats.

Aniki is indeed in me. He is a part of me, more than any other cat I've ever known because I raised him and cared for him his whole life. As far as he was concerned, I was his mom and I knew that it was my responsibility to honor that bond. It's a big responsibility if you think about it. I will love every cat I've yet to adopt, but I doubt any of them will live up to the special bond that Anikli and I shared.

It's somehow sad to consider that I was responsible for shaping his whole life. I created the world he lived in just by the choices I made in taking care of him. I am happy to say I think I did a pretty good job. His disability was frustrating for him (he couldn't jump up on things and had poor coordination while playing) and I'm sure it got him down at times but he was generally a very happy cat.

Also, no end-of-life regrets. I'm thankful for that because losing him is hard enough, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be if I had to work through those often unjustified regrets we all get after dealing with a terminally ill pet.

There is one, however, except that it's something I did to myself. But I worked it out and thankfully it's not haunting me anymore:
It's always been my custom to give them a kiss on the head after they're deceased. One last kiss, then I know it's all finished and I can go. With Aniki, however, after that kiss, as I was leaving the tiny examining room, I made the mistake of looking back at him one more time. He was lying on his side with his little stuffed tiger toy between his paws (I asked that it be cremated with him...he loved that tiger). All I could see was the back of his head and not his face. For all intents and purposes, he didn't look at all dead from that angle, just sleeping, as I had seen him so many times throughout the years. A second later one of the vet techs moved to wrap him up and obscured my view of him. I immediately thought hey wait. he's mine! What are you doing with him???. I knew he was gone, but I couldn't shake that feeling. That thought, and the image of the back of his little head haunted me until I realized that my responsibility to him had finished. I took good care of him for almost seventeen years and saw to it that his final moments were peaceful and as comfortable as possible. I had done literally everything I could. Now it was their turn. He was their responsibility now, and I knew they would tend to him properly. Realizing this gave me a small measure of peace.

Whew. Writing all that made me a little sad, and today was a pretty good day, much better than yesterday.

The sun is shining in here now and it has no business doing so because he's not around to bask in it. He loved the sunshine. I would put him in my computer chair and wheel it along the floor as the light shifted so he could soak up all the sun as it moved across the room.

Here I go, about to draw the blinds. I guess I've got a way to go!

 

[tarasgirl06]

Human beings are all different, why not cats? Many of them may look alike to us, but we're not equipped to notice the subtle differences because we're not cats! Still, any any cat owner would be able to find their cat room full of similar looking cats.

Aniki is indeed in me. He is a part of me, more than any other cat I've ever known because I raised him and cared for him his whole life. As far as he was concerned, I was his mom and I knew that it was my responsibility to honor that bond. It's a big responsibility if you think about it. I will love every cat I've yet to adopt, but I doubt any of them will live up to the special bond that Anikli and I shared.

It's somehow sad to consider that I was responsible for shaping his whole life. I created the world he lived in just by the choices I made in taking care of him. I am happy to say I think I did a pretty good job. His disability was frustrating for him (he couldn't jump up on things and had poor coordination while playing) and I'm sure it got him down at times but he was generally a very happy cat.

Also, no end-of-life regrets. I'm thankful for that because losing him is hard enough, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be if I had to work through those often unjustified regrets we all get after dealing with a terminally ill pet.

There is one, however, except that it's something I did to myself. But I worked it out and thankfully it's not haunting me anymore:
It's always been my custom to give them a kiss on the head after they're deceased. One last kiss, then I know it's all finished and I can go. With Aniki, however, after that kiss, as I was leaving the tiny examining room, I made the mistake of looking back at him one more time. He was lying on his side with his little stuffed tiger toy between his paws (I asked that it be cremated with him...he loved that tiger). All I could see was the back of his head and not his face. For all intents and purposes, he didn't look at all dead from that angle, just sleeping, as I had seen him so many times throughout the years. A second later one of the vet techs moved to wrap him up and obscured my view of him. I immediately thought hey wait. he's mine! What are you doing with him???. I knew he was gone, but I couldn't shake that feeling. That thought, and the image of the back of his little head haunted me until I realized that my responsibility to him had finished. I took good care of him for almost seventeen years and saw to it that his final moments were peaceful and as comfortable as possible. I had done literally everything I could. Now it was their turn. He was their responsibility now, and I knew they would tend to him properly. Realizing this gave me a small measure of peace.

Whew. Writing all that made me a little sad, and today was a pretty good day, much better than yesterday.

The sun is shining in here now and it has no business doing so because he's not around to bask in it. He loved the sunshine. I would put him in my computer chair and wheel it along the floor as the light shifted so he could soak up all the sun as it moved across the room.

Here I go, about to draw the blinds. I guess I've got a way to go!

I know people have vastly different beliefs and ideologies. Mine are that when the eternal soul ascends from the physical form, what is left is like a house you move out of. You no longer need it. It is no longer yours. You go on to somewhere else. I KNOW the soul is eternal because I have been present when it has left, in many instances. If my belief system did not teach me that -- which it does -- I would know it by having been present in these instances. So while many believe in other ways, this is my way, based on fact. Because we are spiritual beings in physical bodies living on this earth, it is sometimes very difficult for us to separate those we know and love from physical forms when they leave them. But if and when we can do this, it makes it easier for us. THEY are no longer in a finite form. THEY are no longer in pain, or suffering, of any kind. WE are the ones in pain, in suffering, because we grieve, not for them, but for ourselves, for our own unendurable loss. It IS unendurable.
Just days after I lost my father, my most recently adopted cat developed severe physical problems and I was informed at emergency that she was suffering. I could not bear to lose her! but I had to release her. I said to the person who brought me there that I could not bear it. He said, "You MUST." And I did.
In 2016, I lost three beloved cats within the space of four months.
There have been so many losses in my life, beginning with my grandfather when I was 6. My memories of him are in mental pictures, for the most part, and in the knowledge that he loved me.
I KNOW that I will be reunited with my loved ones when my soul, too, ascends. Until then I may often miss their physical forms, their gestures, their voices, and so much more. But I know that what is here is only a small part of what will be, beyond the Veil that separates us from them now.
Aniki is in those sunbeams, too. He is everywhere, and he is within your heart and soul and mind.

 

[Meekie]

I know people have vastly different beliefs and ideologies. Mine are that when the eternal soul ascends from the physical form, what is left is like a house you move out of. You no longer need it. It is no longer yours. You go on to somewhere else. I KNOW the soul is eternal because I have been present when it has left, in many instances. If my belief system did not teach me that -- which it does -- I would know it by having been present in these instances. So while many believe in other ways, this is my way, based on fact. Because we are spiritual beings in physical bodies living on this earth, it is sometimes very difficult for us to separate those we know and love from physical forms when they leave them. But if and when we can do this, it makes it easier for us. THEY are no longer in a finite form. THEY are no longer in pain, or suffering, of any kind. WE are the ones in pain, in suffering, because we grieve, not for them, but for ourselves, for our own unendurable loss. It IS unendurable.
Just days after I lost my father, my most recently adopted cat developed severe physical problems and I was informed at emergency that she was suffering. I could not bear to lose her! but I had to release her. I said to the person who brought me there that I could not bear it. He said, "You MUST." And I did.
In 2016, I lost three beloved cats within the space of four months.
There have been so many losses in my life, beginning with my grandfather when I was 6. My memories of him are in mental pictures, for the most part, and in the knowledge that he loved me.
I KNOW that I will be reunited with my loved ones when my soul, too, ascends. Until then I may often miss their physical forms, their gestures, their voices, and so much more. But I know that what is here is only a small part of what will be, beyond the Veil that separates us from them now.
Aniki is in those sunbeams, too. He is everywhere, and he is within your heart and soul and mind.

I read once about how in some cultures, people are considered to have more than one "death". The first death occurs when the physical form is vacated, but the person lives on as long as there are people who remain remember, talk about and memorialize them. When all of these people pass and there is no one left to remember you, the second death occurs.

This is more of a social concept than a spiritual one, but it, too dictates that until the day I die, Aniki will be alive and well within me. While I can no longer reach out and scratch his chin or snuggle with him while he sleeps, the strength of my love for him and his love for me will never fade or be forgotten. It lives. In fact, right now, as I mourn, it is stronger than it has ever been.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I read once about how in some cultures, people are considered to have more than one "death". The first death occurs when the physical form is vacated, but the person lives on as long as there are people who remain remember, talk about and memorialize them. When all of these people pass and there is no one left to remember you, the second death occurs.

This is more of a social concept than a spiritual one, but it, too dictates that until the day I die, Aniki will be alive and well within me. While I can no longer reach out and scratch his chin or snuggle with him while he sleeps, the strength of my love for him and his love for me will never fade or be forgotten. It lives. In fact, right now, as I mourn, it is stronger than it has ever been.

Yes. I have that belief too and all of my loved ones live in me!

 

[Meekie]

Today is a bad day. I miss him so much.

He was a clingy, needy cat and I tried to always be there for him. For the years that I had his housemate Rico, that was a challenge, because Rico was a real charmer and was often overbearing. Sometimes I feared Aniki sensed that Rico had hijacked his daddy away from him. I did my best to show him otherwise, and after Rico died in late 2020, I had a little over a year with just Aniki, and I'm glad I made the best of it. We got even closer. He was my buddy as well as my baby.

I was never a very spiritual person, but I do believe that he did go on some kind of journey after he died, and it troubles me that he had to take this journey alone. I had been taking care of him since he was about four weeks old, and the urge to continue to guide and protect him hasn't gone away.

I still have gallons and gallons of love for him inside me, and it hurts that I can no longer love on him. I know there's another cat out there who will someday soon be able to get that love, but right now, I feel like it belongs to Aniki. I wish I could give it to him. He's not here anymore, yet all I want to do is give, give, give. It's frustrating.

Just felt I needed to say this. Writing it all out helps a little.

I miss him so much!

 

[tarasgirl06]

Today is a bad day. I miss him so much.

He was a clingy, needy cat and I tried to always be there for him. For the years that I had his housemate Rico, that was a challenge, because Rico was a real charmer and was often overbearing. Sometimes I feared Aniki sensed that Rico had hijacked his daddy away from him. I did my best to show him otherwise, and after Rico died in late 2020, I had a little over a year with just Aniki, and I'm glad I made the best of it. We got even closer. He was my buddy as well as my baby.

I was never a very spiritual person, but I do believe that he did go on some kind of journey after he died, and it troubles me that he had to take this journey alone. I had been taking care of him since he was about four weeks old, and the urge to continue to guide and protect him hasn't gone away.

I still have gallons and gallons of love for him inside me, and it hurts that I can no longer love on him. I know there's another cat out there who will someday soon be able to get that love, but right now, I feel like it belongs to Aniki. I wish I could give it to him. He's not here anymore, yet all I want to do is give, give, give. It's frustrating.

Just felt I needed to say this. Writing it all out helps a little.

I miss him so much!

Such a handsome mancatto, Aniki!
My cat family is presently only 2. It's been much larger for a long time, and it's been quite an adjustment getting used to this. It's part of the reason I invited our roomies to join us. The house no longer feels as empty. The downside is that their room was our new cat introduction room, so I no longer have that. But Baby Su is 17 and Elvis, 14, is very territorial, so it isn't an optimum time to adopt, anyway.
I have been with loved ones when they have passed, and I know that it is journey every one must make alone; but I also know that the soul IS eternal and that it leaves the physical structure behind as it is not needed any longer.
In the past I've been able to adopt quickly, to share that love and caring with another deserving cat in need, which to me is the greatest tribute and memorial it's possible to give. I've also planted trees or ornamental plants on the resting places of some when that was appropriate, and donated to charities that rescue and help cats. Alley Cat Allies is my favorite.
Bottom line, each of us has to make our own decisions as to what we are comfortable with, because each life experience is unique.
I'm glad that writing helps you. It also helps me in times of pain and grief.

 

[Meekie]

Thank you. It will be an ongoing process, I guess. Some days good, some days bad.

People are trying to get me out of the house. But I think it's important that I come to terms with dealing with not having him around here anymore. When I go out, coming home to nothing is always hard.

I'm hoping that kitten sitting for Maple will help distract me. I have been kitten proofing all day and cleaning out the extra bedroom where she will be staying until she is comfortable.

As an added bonus, if I can handle her, then there's no reason I can't get a younger -- maybe much younger -- cat when I'm ready. I'm already kitten proofed so why not!

I feel a lot better now that I got that out. Grief can be like a late day summer thunderstorm: it's all nice and sunny, then suddenly the clouds roll in and it storms. Five minutes later, it's sunny again.