RANT about absentee pathetic Father

[ginger's mum]

It's RANT time, can't hold it in any longer.

My &%$^% father called yesterday, all chirpy and how are ya, blah blah blah.
Haven't heard from the guy for almost 4 years
He's all ..
-I found your ph # in my wallet and thought I'd see if it worked

(4yrs and this is the first time he saw it gimme a break)
- Heard you're coming over to NZ soon, thought we could see each other. Ok so my sister has gone to Oz now you've no-one to take pity on you and where were you the 2times I went to NZ? Not a word about Manu (my newborn son died last Nov)
I pretty much disowned the guy after no word from him last year.
- You're Mum and I have been talking, can you come out to see me? NO!

Hello, no car!
Besides you can make an effort AND I am pregnant so not driving but you've been talking to Mum so you would know this!
- I've sent you stuff over the last 4 years for birthdays and xmas and never got a thankyou or anything. Japan Post is really good about returning things sent to the wrong address and have even got things with a completely wrong address so BULL! IF he DID send anything at all he probably didn't put the return address on it like the last letter (2001) I got from him.
I mean he's moved twice in the last 4 years and has never let me know his new address or ph number.
I just know that if/when I see him I'm gonna blow my stack at him. Had to be civil on the ph cause Isaac was listening. BTW I'm leaving it up to Isaac to make up his own mind about his Poppa.
Isaac handed me the phone and said "It's you're father, Alan." Note: he didn't say Poppa

After 25 years of half-hearted interest by this guy what do I do. You get mad with him then it's your fault or Mum's fault, he accepts no blame.
My younger brother refuses to talk to him, my sister (the peacemaker) has tried (He spent a week with them last year, mostly at the Pub) and I have refused to make any effort unless he puts in a decent one.
DH reckons its time to call it a day and just tell him to "P*ss off"
What should I do?

 

[dawnofsierra]

Wow, this must be so upsetting for you. I had no idea about your little baby, Manu. I'm so sorry you lost your little angel. Your father calling like this must be bringing up a huge number of emotions you just weren't prepared to deal with right now.

 

[ollyextra05]

I cant imagine how hard this must be for you. I've been fortunate to have relatively sane parents who, 99% of the time, have done a great job of parenting me and my sister. Occasionally they drive me a bit batty, but that's to be expected.
I am a firm believer that there are some people in this life that are just toxic. I've had a number of friends like this, it took me many years to realize that people who do nothing but take and take, and give nothing back in return, sap you of your positive energy. I know it must be hard to consider it, but maybe cutting off communication with your father, at least temporarily, might be the best thing. Someday he may learn how to give back to you and have a relationship built on mutual care and respect...or he may not. Only you can know what's best for you--no matter what your DH or other family members say. Remember, his actions don't reflect an inadequacy in you as a daughter, but rather his inadequacies as a parent, and, it sounds like, as a person.

 

[ginger's mum]

I think for now (until I actually see him (as if)) I will let him lead the way.

The last thing I need is to stress out about him and ruining my trip to NZ.

This is the man that Mum kicked out when I was 8 (she still loved him) and gave him the choice of putting food on the table for his family or spending his life at the pub. Easy choice don't you think?!
His family (who don't speak to us either) apparently don't talk to him because of the way he has ignored his kids (& now G'kids)

I refuse to make any effort and expect nothing from him. Can only be pleasantly suprised aye

PS I last saw him at the airport 5 yrs ago when he moaning about losing another job and asked if we could give him some $ for the parking fee

Thanks for listening guys

 

[sharky]

you poor dear ... sending a

 

[katl8e]

Sweetie, I haven't seen my father, in 33 years. His choice, his loss. I am lucky to have a stepfather (who I refer to as "my dad"), who has been here for me.

Sometimes, you just have to let go. It appears that this guy doesn't give a hoot, for you. You have to accept that and be grateful for the people who DO love and support you.

 

[ugaimes]

I am so, so sorry

. I am just getting off of a 9-month stint of not seeing or talking to my father. I can imagine how difficult the last 25 years have been for you

. Also, I am so terribly sorry about the loss of your baby. How horrible that your father was not with you to help you through your grief

.

I've been in therapy the past 3 months working on my father issues. If you have access to it, it may help. You don't have to ever see him again or even forgive him, but it would be great if you can find peace within yourself

.