Question for those of you who don't have fur-less kids

[KittenKrazy]

I know that some of you don't have children either, and I wanted to put a question to you, but first a little background on what's going through my mind. Most of you know that my MIL passed away last week. I found myself surrounded by her neices, nephews, grandkids and such. It's a pretty nice-sized family, and very, very, close. I on the other hand grew up in a small family, on both sides, and neither side is really close. Now, I don't have children....when we were younger, we didn't want any, and a few years ago the decision was taken out of my hands, so that I cannot have any. I've been thinking, was I selfish in not haveing a child, to raise up in my beliefs, to pass my musical talents on to, to be around when I'm leaving this earth, even though I don't particularuly like children? When I pass on, there'll probably be more of Charlie's family there than my own, I know that there were when we married! I guess I'm just wondering ladies, do you ever get this feeling of guilt and sadness for not having kids? does it just show up sometimes out of the blue? THanks!

 

[rockcat]

I get depressed about it sometimes too. My 1st husband would have been a very bad father. My second and I wanted kids, but planned on getting settled first. I had cancer spent our 1st anniversary getting a hystorectomy and had to deal with never having kids. It was a drag.

Now, 11 years later, I have accepted it and have a wonderful boyfriend who would have been an excellent dad. I still feel sad every once in awhile, but its ok. My BF is the love of my life and we have 2 purrfect fur babies.

I can't imagine having kids and having something terrible happen to them. I know I couldn't have handled that. Maybe God was protecting me.

 

[kittylover4ever]

Well Cindy, I do know where your coming from. When I was married the first time, oh so many years ago, it just never seemed the right time to have kids for us. I'm glad we didn't, since our marraige didn't work out. Then it took me 13 years to find my Jerry, and by this time I was 37 on our wedding day. Well, as I aged, although I do have the natural maternal instincts, I didn't have the desire to have children. I was set in my ways, wasn't used to being around children, so when I was for extended periods of time, I would want to run and scream! Jerry didnt' want any children either, so it was perfect. We are very happy together, but I sometimes wonder, when my siblings, Mom passes on, who will be my family? Do you know what I mean? I think I would have made a terrific Mom had I ever had children, but now that I"m 41 and am purrfectly content with my furbabies, I think I will leave bringing children into the world for other people. Children in my eyes are a blessing, and I love them, but I'm happy to let other people have that job. IMO.

 

[coolcat]

Originally Posted by kittylover4ever

Well Cindy, I do know where your coming from. When I was married the first time, oh so many years ago, it just never seemed the right time to have kids for us. I'm glad we didn't, since our marraige didn't work out. Then it took me 13 years to find my Jerry, and by this time I was 37 on our wedding day. Well, as I aged, although I do have the natural maternal instincts, I didn't have the desire to have children. I was set in my ways, wasn't used to being around children, so when I was for extended periods of time, I would want to run and scream! Jerry didnt' want any children either, so it was perfect. We are very happy together, but I sometimes wonder, when my siblings, Mom passes on, who will be my family? Do you know what I mean? I think I would have made a terrific Mom had I ever had children, but now that I"m 41 and am purrfectly content with my furbabies, I think I will leave bringing children into the world for other people. Children in my eyes are a blessing, and I love them, but I'm happy to let other people have that job. IMO.

Cindy Believe me I have no words for this, Thank you so much for open your hearts for us....

Oh Susie God Bless you I´m tears after read your post...

Thank you for share this...

Thank you friends....

***(really, I have to go the bathroom to clean my eyes...)

 

[mamacat]

A whole bunch of my friends just had babies--I guess it's the age I'm at (30)--so I've actually been thinking about the kids question quite a lot. I've never particularly wanted kids. While my fiance and I haven't definitely decided that we won't, we are inclined not to. I like kids fine when they are someone else's. But mostly I just think that if you have kids it's so important to raise them right. To me that means that when you become a parent you have to sacrifice a lot of your own desires and goals, and I don't want to do that. Some people think THAT'S selfish. But I think it would be selfish of me if I DID have kids, because I would just be doing it because I thought I was supposed to, which is totally the wrong reason. And I think people have to be honest with themselves and decide whether they are cut out to be a parent and whether they can care for their child they way they should. Not enough people do that I think.

I don't think it's ever selfish not to have children, regardless of what your reason is, even if it's just that you don't really like them. Think about it--if you don't like kids, how good a parent would you be?

I don't usually feel guilt or sadness about not wanting kids. I do feel isolated though, because there seem to be more people who want kids than who don't, and with all my friends having babies, their lives have become very different than mine, and they often don't have time for our friendship anymore. I also sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me for not wanting kids, and I end up getting defensive, mostly because half the people seem to just take for granted that I'll have a baby at some point ("You'll see when you have your own kids.") or, if I say I don't want kids they'll say something like, "Oh you don't mean that."

I guess I do worry sometimes about being alone in the future, but somehow it just doesn't seem right to bring a life into the world just so I'll have company when I'm old...

 

[kittylover4ever]

Rigel..

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by KittenKrazy

I guess I'm just wondering ladies, do you ever get this feeling of guilt and sadness for not having kids? does it just show up sometimes out of the blue? THanks!

YES! usually out of the blue... one of the reasons i chose to teach school was for the surrogate children, kids i can pass stuff on to, even tho they're not mine. i've never married, no kids, past childbearing age... they aren't going to come! i like kids, so it's even harder to deal with at times... but since i'm a generally happy person, the baby blues pass pretty quickly - & seeing the problems my sister & brothers deal with help me be grateful for the advantages to being both single & childless... there are advantages both ways!

 

[rapunzel47]

I always wanted kids. But it took a lot of years of relationships that went nowhere, before I finally found the guy I wanted to spend my life with. I think he would (in the partnership that WE have) have been a good father. By that time, though, he had already been married once and had a son, and had not lived up to the expectations of his first wife regarding fatherhood, so he decided that regardless where the rest of his life was headed, he would not be responsibile for bringing another child into the world. You'd never know from seeing him and his son together now that he "wasn't a good father" -- but we won't go there. The point is that between his decision, and the fact that I was already into my 40s by the time we could have had a child, it just wasn't on. I was sad about it for a while, but I've come to know that if we had tried parenthood at that point in our lives, it might not have been such a good thing. We were already set in our own ways, and in that climate learning how to be together and give up some of our own ways -- we didn't need to be having the further adjustment of little people and two o'clock feedings and whatnot.

I'm happy to spend my maternal instincts on my furbabies, and other people's kids when appropriate, and I have a bunch of nieces and nephews and they have a bunch of kids, too, so I only feel just a tiny bit cheated now.

Is it selfish not to have kids? Nope. I don't think so. The first thing a person needs to consider is what kind of life they are going to give a child -- and many circumstances and attitudes go into the answer, and they're different for each individual. I think Rob didn't need to take the step he did, but it was his decision -- and why would a person want to add to this already overpopulated world, in a situation where they couldn't have confidence in their ability to be a good parent?? I think it's irresponsible to have kids just because that's what a couple does.

My only regret now about not having kids is that I didn't get to give my Dad more grandkids -- he's such an awesome grandfather, and would have been tickled to death -- but he understands.

Ok I'll stop rambling.

 

[coolcat]

Frannie, thank´s for share....

 

[fwan]

I sometimes think i will never be able to have children and that makes me sad. But im still 18 and i feel like as if my life is limited. I did have a thought since im not close to any of my family and have no brothers or sisters that i will be very isolated when im older.
I want to give my parents atleast 1 grandchild before they go, although they arent the best people at this point of my life. My mother is very supportive of me and i told her i would like to have a child at any time soon.
My mother used to dislike children and had her own life, But she didnt mind looking after other peoples children except when she wanted to do her own thing. She ended up having cancer and they told her she would never be able to have a child. She didnt mind about it one bit.. But then she met my dad and with in 3 months she was pregnant, it was a miracle. My Mum was 35 when she had me and she says she regrets having one so late because she would like to have more.. she sometimes thinks about my other's... i was a septuplet but because of what she had none of them made it except for me.
Despite her being an alcoholic when she is sober she is one of the best women i know that i have come accross to, everybody i know loves her when she is sober. Maybe this is why we always forgive her

Just remember, on the news in the past couple of weeks 2 women have been pregnant and given birth at 50+

 

[ttmom]

I just had a child, but when I was younger I did not want one. Having the baby around, if you don't really like children that much then you did the right thing by not having one. A baby can be very rewarding, but also very frustrating. Everything is no longer your own (and since I'm breast feeding, my body is also no longer my own). I wouldn't trade the experience, but it's not something you want to do if you're not enamoured with the idea of having children.

 

[flisssweetpea]

Aww Cindy - does it matter if more of Charlie's family were there at a ceremony for you - not all children are nice! Parents and children don't always get on. But you have such a warm heart and surrounded by people who love you and choose to be around you, rather than feeling obligated to be there.

Rockcat

When we first got together, hubby didn't want more kids. He had one son from a previous marriage. I accepted that we wouldn't have children, and whilst I was ok with that, I would have chosen children if things were different. After we got married, I think hubby was more confident about relationships this time round

and decided that one of our own wouldn't be so bad after all.

My daughter was born and we wouldn't be without her. But we didn't want any more - despite much pressure from my mother (as my brother shows no interest in producing!) who likes babies. We're happy with that decision.

I would have lived without children, some of our friends have. I fully respect any one who makes that decision. I fully agree that having children is a decision that should only be made because it's what the person/couple really want - not because it's expected of them.

Older people who don't have children don't need to worry about being alone - they have friends! (oh and furbabies of course)

 

[KittenKrazy]

Originally Posted by fwan

Just remember, on the news in the past couple of weeks 2 women have been pregnant and given birth at 50+

I still think that's a scary thought!!! Nonetheless, I'm 36, had a hysterectomy in 2003, so a surprise pregnacy isn't on the books. (If it does, I'm going to have a looooooong discussion with my ob/gyn!)

 

[hopehacker]

Actually, I really don't want children. I'd be a terrible mother. So, it wouldn't be fair to any child to be stuck with a mother like me. I don't have the patience for children. I don't mind them, as long as they belong to someone else. However, if I'm asked to babysit, I'd rather be doing just about anything than babysitting. I have several nieces and nephews, and I love them, but I wouldn't want to be responsible for them. I know I sound like a terrible person, but I just don't have what it takes to deal with children. Maybe I'd feel differently if I had my own child, but I don't think so.

 

[lenaorie]

fwan-
oh my gosh.. you were a septuplet(sp?), thats amazing to me.. and im sorry to hear about your brothers/sisters.. im glad your here though!

I am 19 and, i want children... badly.. i want to be able to be the best mother to them.. becuase, my mom was soo great to me, although we didnt have the best life... when i was 9 my dad passed away, and even before that he wasnt around much. My mom had a few miscarages.. and that was very disapointing to her.. although she always only wanted a boy, and a girl.. and that s what she has.. she said they dont make another kind, and until they do.. i wont have another child.. although she would have accepted any child into this world.. in 2001, she had a tubal pregancy, and we almost lost her.. and that was a huge scare... i want my mom to have grandchildren.. because i know she will fit the part as a wonderful grandmother...

one reason i would choose NOT to have children is.. because of my career.. i want to be a daycare owner. and it might be somewhat hard to manage my own kids. and everyone elses.. i think that im going to make it work... no matter what.. because a baby means, happiness!

 

[fwan]

aw lenaorie, i think you would be a great mother whether you would be a owner of a daycare or not, you will still be able to care for your own children while looking after everyone elses

If everyone on this site can be a great meomy why not a great mummy?
i still respect everyones choice of not having children. But for me
i would like to have 3, unless i couldnt under money circumstances

 

[pat]

Originally Posted by KittenKrazy

I guess I'm just wondering ladies, do you ever get this feeling of guilt and sadness for not having kids? does it just show up sometimes out of the blue? THanks!

Yes, it is probably the most painful disappointment of my life. The pain of it does pop up out of the blue and just sock me good.

I am married to truly wonderful human being, who is much younger than I. He *should* have children, he *should* have the chance to pass on a part of himself, and he would be a wonderful father. He is the oldest son where on his father's side, the oldest son has been given the same name for generations, an old Swedish family. I wish I could have helped him continue the line, and I would have loved to have seen what our mix of Italian, Swedish, Czech, Scots, English and Irish genes (and I suspect some viking behind me since my family are blond/red haired, blue-eyed Sicilians) would have produced.

 

[annabelle33]

the older i get the more i can't decide. When you are a young woman it is just put into your head that you will one day have children. But I just don't know. There are moments when I think it would be all I want in the world and other times I think I'd rather cut my own eyes out. Of course there are many other feelings in between those two stages. I think that a lot the guilt is due to the expectations set on us as women by society.

 

[flisssweetpea]

Originally Posted by annabelle33

the older i get the more i can't decide. When you are a young woman it is just put into your head that you will one day have children. But I just don't know. There are moments when I think it would be all I want in the world and other times I think I'd rather cut my own eyes out. Of course there are many other feelings in between those two stages. I think that a lot the guilt is due to the expectations set on us as women by society.

Oh I agree totally. My parents wouldn't let me go to University because "women get married and have babies". I did get married and have a baby - but when my daughter was 18 months old hubby encouraged me to go to Uni. I was so lucky to have a supportive husband. But my parents (my mother mainly) had such outdated notions - and we're talking in the mid 1980s here

. Even when I did go back to University I was accused of abandoning my children! Although I couldn't imagine a closer, more wonderful relationship with my daughter than the one we have.

 

[fwan]

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

Yes, it is probably the most painful disappointment of my life. The pain of it does pop up out of the blue and just sock me good.

I am married to truly wonderful human being, who is much younger than I. He *should* have children, he *should* have the chance to pass on a part of himself, and he would be a wonderful father. He is the oldest son where on his father's side, the oldest son has been given the same name for generations, an old Swedish family. I wish I could have helped him continue the line, and I would have loved to have seen what our mix of Italian, Swedish, Czech, Scots, English and Irish genes (and I suspect some viking behind me since my family are blond/red haired, blue-eyed Sicilians) would have produced.

You do know that we sicilians are naturally bad tempered dont you

unfortunately i had to take my dads side with the black hair and brown eyes that turn green on occasions