Pre-adoption anxiety

[ChiarinaL]

Hello, I am new to the forum. I found you through a link about post-adoption anxiety/kitty-blues, where I found the most thoughtful and supportive responses. So I decided to post this question here and see what you think. Well, in my case, I have incredible pre-adoption anxiety to the point of analysis-paralysis and non-action. I already "missed" out on an incredible cat as someone else adopted him when I "froze". It is now 3 weeks later and I found and fell in love with another cat (local shelter again), even got stuff for him to adopt him, and then panicked the night before and didn't. This can't be normal, can it? I've had cats before, my family had cats, but they were all kittens when we got them. I now want an adult cat, a companion since I live alone, and am scared of potential problems that I actually haven't experienced in the past. But I have no history on this cat except that he was found on the streets (probably abandoned on purpose), so I am envisioning all sorts of problems in advance that will only contribute to my anxiety. I am naturally anxious so I also worry that I will make my cat anxious unless I can find the "right" personality, a chill cat who will be "in my face" no matter what's going on inside me. I feel illogical, and I'm not 20 or even 30. I'm older and paralyzed by fear of what may go wrong after the adoption. Anyways, I can't seem to make a decision either way. My question is - is this pre-adoption anxiety normal? Or does it mean that I simply should not adopt. Thank you for any comments.

 

[Kris107]

I'd say that making sure you decision is right is what will make you a good cat parent. I'd rather have someone search for just the right kitty than jump in without thinking. The right cat will speak to you. If you want a cat who will be all up in your face all the time - those exist! There are some relaxed unflappable cats too! Try not to put too much of a timetable on adopting. Just keep hitting up those shelters and visiting with whoever you want to meet! Keep us posted!

 

[misty8723]

I think when you find "the one" you'll know. At least that was my experience.

All I really wanted to do was go to adopt a thons and play with cats until I got over our neighbors leaving with their cat who I was very attached to. I was not ready to adopt, but one place we went there was a cat I just couldn't pass by. My husband looked at me and said "we're getting him, aren't we." Had to scramble around and get litter boxes, bowls, etc.

I volunteer at a rescue and they take time to try to get the know the personality of the cats so they can match them with potential adopters. If you are looking for only one cat, there are many who don't like other cats and want to be the only one in the house.

I think you're doing the right thing if you aren't sure, take your time, go to a rescue where they let you spend time with the cats. Also, see if the rescue has a return policy. I know a lot of people frown on that, but where I volunteer, they encourage it if the cat isn't working out. Before I became a volunteer, my husband had picked a cat who ended up bullying our other cat to the point he was afraid to come out of the closet. There was no way I was going to let that happen, particulary since the main reason for getting another cat was because he was a very social boy and we had lost his best friend/girlfriend to cancer. Reluctantly, we took her back. They were so nice to us and introduced us to a cat who was very laid back and sweet. And she was, but we lost her to FIP.

Good luck. If it is meant to be, you will find the right one. Let us know when you do!

 

[misty8723]

I'd say that making sure you decision is right is what will make you a good cat parent. I'd rather have someone search for just the right kitty than jump in without thinking. The right cat will speak to you. If you want a cat who will be all up in your face all the time - those exist! There are some relaxed unflappable cats too! Try not to put too much of a timetable on adopting. Just keep hitting up those shelters and visiting with whoever you want to meet! Keep us posted!

I just want to say, sometimes the right one comes along and you do jump in without thinking...and it works out perfectly. (However, before that happened, we did go meet a lot of other cats).

 

[neely]

Hello, I am new to the forum. I found you through a link about post-adoption anxiety/kitty-blues, where I found the most thoughtful and supportive responses.

Welcome to TCS! You're absolutely right, our members are very supportive and helpful. I'm glad you want to adopt an adult cat since it's usually easier to tell their personality and if you have anxiety a kitten may be more than you bargained for since they are a bundle of energy. You may want to consider looking into a foster group because the cats generally live in someone's home and they will know more about the cat's background. As far as making the right choice there's never any guarantees but I believe in going with your gut.

After we lost our last cat I wanted to wait before adopting again to get over my grief. My husband, on the other hand, was lonely without a cat in the house. Long story short, our daughter saw a cat on a shelter website and I agreed to meet him. It was love at first sight and I never looked back. I just knew he was the one for us. Personally I feel if you don't take a chance you might miss out on the company of a four-legged furry friend. You said you live alone so this could be a perfect companion for you. However, if you are hesitant and unsure this might tell you you're not ready yet and that's okay. Best of luck and please know that if you adopt you can always come here and get helpful tips and advice.

 

[ChiarinaL]

Thank you, but how will I know if this is the "right" cat? I already saw/met a few that seemed that way. This most recent one, I've been going to see (through the glass) several times, finally met him inside his room and he was just so starved for affection. Kept rubbing agains me (and my purse that had treats!), purring, even licked my face, tried to bite my forearm (?strange), but gently because he has very few teeth left and possibly only because he may have still be in pain post-surgery. The reality of meeting a cat in the shelter is that it is really hard to judge their personality under these circumstances. Anyways, he could be the perfect cat, I have no idea what to look for.

 

[neely]

The reality of meeting a cat in the shelter is that it is really hard to judge their personality under these circumstances. Anyways, he could be the perfect cat, I have no idea what to look for.

I agree it's always difficult to meet a cat in a shelter and know their personality right off the bat but if, as you said, he was starved for affection, kept rubbing up against you, purring and licked you face that's a good sign. Only you can make this decision. Sometimes it takes awhile for a cat's true personality to come out but you'll never know if you don't try. It just takes time and patience. Please don't feel you have to rush into anything, there are many adoptable cats looking for a good home.

 

[ChiarinaL]

I should also say that I have fears of behaviors I've actually never experienced in the past with the cats I had or my family had. But our cats we got as kittens so we knew we had to teach them things and do the right things (e.g. spay/neuter early not late in life). So I'm suddenly afraid that with an adult cat from the shelter (usually neutered as adults), he may spray, poop/pee in my bed, scratch everything except his scratch post (I don't care that much for furniture, but would prefer not to have to fix the house if I want to move, haha! - I actually had to fix walls in 2 previous houses so I can do that but I'm currently fixing a newel post in my current house which was deeply clawed by previous owners's cat and this one is hard to fix), claw through the window screens and escape, not let me groom him (nails and hair) - bite, etc, the list goes on. Irrational fears maybe but that's how my anxiety manifests.

 

[Kris107]

Those things can happen with ANY cat. Maybe like neely said - you could try fostering? I currently have an adult foster cat and she's really easy to trim her nails. She scratches some on the sofa but trimmed nails helps with potential damage. And I tell her to stop. My cat who is a young cat, who I've worked with extensively on nail trims - he is still horrible about it. It is hard with adults because you never know what "rules/boundaries" they grew up with. But I'd say a lot of cats can adapt and learn some new rules. I'm not sure that all cats ruin walls or wood fixtures - that seems pretty extreme. Everyone here can support if anything pops up with any of your future cats!

 

[neely]

But our cats we got as kittens so we knew we had to teach them things and do the right things (e.g. spay/neuter early not late in life). So I'm suddenly afraid that with an adult cat from the shelter (usually neutered as adults), he may spray, poop/pee in my bed, scratch everything except his scratch post

We have adopted most although not all of our cats as adults and honestly can say the damage was minimal. There is a couch in the family room that has served as a scratching post for the last two cats. I told my husband we can't get rid of it because it's the only thing other than their cat tree they scratch. This is just my opinion but if you truly want to adopt a cat you have to eventually take that leap. If I doesn't work out as misty8723 said there are options. We've had many cats over the years who we've shown love and affection to and in return they have given us unconditional love. There can always be drawbacks but the good outweighs the bad so try to think of it that way. And as I said before, if you're not ready that's okay too.

 

[ChiarinaL]

The boy I wanted to adopt is still available as I am feeling a bit more calm and composed (emotionally) this week. There's so much I don't know about him, like what the last surgery was for. He is only 4. I visited him so many times while waiting for him to become available, always saw him through the glass though, I did the slow blinks, my heart was melting just looking at him. He did return some slow blinks, but then would turn his head the other way. I knew he was also not feeling well, so didn't take it personally. His appetite was very good when they fed the cats. I tried to observe as many things as I could. He is so smart! They feed the cats on paper plates that would slide along the floor so he would put his paws on the plate to hold it in place! Then I met him that one time inside the room, as they let me to do that to see how he'll respond to me, and I was shocked how well it went. Mind you it was in his familiar territory, the room where he lived (alone) for more than a week. He was so staved for affection, kept rubbing against me, purring, and licked my face! And of course went crazy over my purse where I forgot I had some treats. All that to say - I should've adopted him in a heartbeat. My anxiety is all me and not him. I keep looking at his picture. He is so beautiful (a beautiful red tabby), has "freckles" on his nose and mouth (where he's missing some teeth due to extraction for health reasons). And I'm still scared and hoping for some kind of a sign, a sign that will help me go either way but for now I'm just stuck in self torment. He will probably get adopted before I decide, or maybe indecision is a decision. Very strange.

 

[heatherwillard0614]

The boy I wanted to adopt is still available as I am feeling a bit more calm and composed (emotionally) this week. There's so much I don't know about him, like what the last surgery was for. He is only 4. I visited him so many times while waiting for him to become available, always saw him through the glass though, I did the slow blinks, my heart was melting just looking at him. He did return some slow blinks, but then would turn his head the other way. I knew he was also not feeling well, so didn't take it personally. His appetite was very good when they fed the cats. I tried to observe as many things as I could. He is so smart! They feed the cats on paper plates that would slide along the floor so he would put his paws on the plate to hold it in place! Then I met him that one time inside the room, as they let me to do that to see how he'll respond to me, and I was shocked how well it went. Mind you it was in his familiar territory, the room where he lived (alone) for more than a week. He was so staved for affection, kept rubbing against me, purring, and licked my face! And of course went crazy over my purse where I forgot I had some treats. All that to say - I should've adopted him in a heartbeat. My anxiety is all me and not him. I keep looking at his picture. He is so beautiful (a beautiful red tabby), has "freckles" on his nose and mouth (where he's missing some teeth due to extraction for health reasons). And I'm still scared and hoping for some kind of a sign, a sign that will help me go either way but for now I'm just stuck in self torment. He will probably get adopted before I decide, or maybe indecision is a decision. Very strange.

Does this shelter have any way to do an adoption trial period? If you think you found the right kitty but are scared of certain things maybe see if you can bring him home and make sure that he is a good fit for you and your home is a good fit for him.

tried to bite my forearm (?strange

When he tried to bite you were you petting him? If so were you doing full body strokes? If the answer is yes then the reason is more than likely that he became over stimulated. This happens a lot with cats.. so if this is the reason you will learn how much you can pet him (full body stroke pets) before he gets to the point of over stimulation. Then you can stick to his face and head area.

Why don't you go a few days in a row and spend time in the room with him and other kitties to see if you still think it is him. If they do a trial period you could spend time with him at the shelter a few days then do the trial period at home. If they don't do any trial periods then spend the time with him there in the room then make your decision.

I hope you figure it out. If you want to know about his health and surgeries you can ask the shelter to provide all the info they have for him. Also talk to the people at rhe shelter. Tell them exactly what qualities you are looking for in a kitty. Around what age? Hyper? Calm? Cuddly? Or a loner? Etc.. I think you will make the right choice.

It took us a few visits before my girl picked us. Please keep us posted and I hope you find your fur baby soon

 

[ChiarinaL]

They don't have a trial adoption option, which probably makes sense. The last thing these babies need (as my own mother reminds me) is to be taken back. This sweet boy is probably as purrfect as they get! I honestly don't know how is it possible that he hasn't gotten adopted yet! He looked sad in his cage the first time I saw him (when he was in a cage and not a separate room) and so he was not overly friendly though that was dramatically different when I got to interact with him in the room. He was found on the streets so probably abandoned. As for his "bites", no I wasn't petting him, I was just letting him come to me and do whatever he wanted. He kind of did it in passing, between rubbing agains me and trying to get in my purse (treats). This was the day after his surgery (not sure what kind, but his neck was shaved and he had stitches there), so I also read that biting may indicate coping with pain. It does not concern me because it was really "in passing", he did not stop rubbing against me. The shelter does some kind of personality assessment and he falls into the type that is described as very social (which is what I like!) - "thrive on being an involved family member, and will likely want to spend a good chunk of their time with you playing, chatting, training, and snoozing. They can handle alone time if you give them enough to do, and their favourite independent activities usually include exploring tunnels, perching by the window, playing with novel toys, and cozying up for a nap." I think it will all come down to me taking leap of faith. I was not overthinking things like I am now when I was younger! I also lucked out with my previous cats! They were amazing, not angels, but truly amazing.

 

[neely]

This sweet boy is probably as purrfect as they get! I honestly don't know how is it possible that he hasn't gotten adopted yet!

Maybe the reason he hasn't been adopted yet is because he's waiting for you. If you don't mind me saying it sounds like fate. But I wouldn't want you to do anything you're uncertain of so once again you have to make this decision. Think of it this way, how would you feel if you went back to the shelter to visit him and he was gone because someone else adopted him? Yes, there will always be other cats who are in need of a good home but from what you've said it seems like you're smitten!

 

[ChiarinaL]

Awww! I know! I have been smitten and have no explanation! There was another orange cat ( I really want an orange cat now, never had one in my family yet) when I was there last, he was new, and again - pretty amazing! Had a very relaxed energy about him, was curious and playful, and was 7 years old, which is more of an age I'm looking for. But I already developed some feelings (??) for the boy I've been waiting for to become medically cleared. So I kept going between the new boy's cage and my boy's room, and just felt that my heart was already committed. Then I met my boy in person inside the room and felt - yes, he's the one! The new boy got adopted that same day! Later that night I stated panicking really badly and it lasted for 2 days. And my boy is still there, I don't get it, perhaps this is the sign I've been hoping for...but I don't believe in signs. I mean, theoretically, by now several cats gave me a sign/stamp of approval and I didn't adopt anyone yet...

 

[neely]

Then I met my boy in person inside the room and felt - yes, he's the one!

The fact that you're calling him "my boy" should tell you something. Hint, hint.

 

[heatherwillard0614]

I do want to say by the assessment it sounds like he is meant for you. I agree that maybe the reason he is still there is because you two are destined to be together.
Also about you wanting an orange kitty.. I wouldn't focus too much on the looks.. you could find 10 orange kitties that don't tick near the amount of boxes as the boy you are currently looking at.

We only have our baby girl. We have had her almost a year. Rescued her from the local humane society. She picked us.. we went 3 different times and the last time here came this kitty from a hidey hole up on a super highway for cats close to the ceiling. She came down and wouldn't leave us.. when we went out to let the receptionist know we found the one we wanted she came in to see which one. Everyone was shocked that it was her. She had been there for little over a month and was always hiding (I had not seen her before this day). They looked at us and said she must trust something about you guys. She had been abused by previous owners. Even though they said she was skittish and we could tell she was when it came to shoes and walking too fast by her.. we weren't going to leave without her. She picked us so we had to give her a great life. She has blossomed since she has been here with us. She still gets a little scared when it comes to us walking with shoes on but now if we just walk slowly and talk to her she doesn't run and she will even rub up against us.
I just found it crazy she had been there each time we were there and didn't come out til the last day. I'm so glad she did we love her to pieces and spoil her fully.
I explained this to a friend of mine and she said it sounds as if Gabby was studying us.. she never came out of her hidey hole for anyone the whole month she was in the cat room..

I guess I'm telling you this because she didn't tick all my boxes but she is still a great addition to my family.

You have a little boy who really seems to fit exactly what you want.. go with your heart.. if you take this leap of faith I think it will be the most rewarding thing for you as well as him.
It seems like you know he is meant for you calling him "my boy" I understand being nervous about it but sometimes you have to jump blindly and trust everything will work out for the best.

I wish you the best please keep us posted. We will all be happy for you once you decide which kitty is right for you, weather it is him or not.

 

[ChiarinaL]

Oh wow, what a story heatherwillard0614 ! Gabby clearly picked you! I don't know about my boy, he was not looking too "inviting" in his cage (and the picture on the website), yet I was very drawn to him from the first time I saw him. There was sadness to him, I wanted to comfort him. And he was/is so beautiful (in my eyes). I don't really have any boxes to tick, I do want an orange and older kitty, male for sure, and the rest is about the feeling I get. That's the hard part. I remember he made a strange sound (like a bark! except he's not a dog!) that first time I saw him, maybe because i came from around the corner and startled him, I remember apologizing to him back then for disturbing him. I didn't think he liked me very much, but I still talked to him and the second time I gave him a few treats (when he was in cage not in the room behind glass). But because of how "unapproachable" and "uninterested" in visitors he looked, I was never sure. So I was really surprised/shocked and comforted by how affectionate he was when we finally met in his room. Maybe it is because he was in his space (by now it is his space), so he felt confident. Also by now he is so starved for attention and physical touch I think. He will be ready (medically) to go home tomorrow and I hope that either I come to my senses and go get him or that he gets adopted by the best possible person for him.

 

[heatherwillard0614]

I just want to say don't rush into it If you're not sure. Every kitty is special and unique in their own way. I think you will make the right choice for you and whoever you wind up bringing home. Try not to think about the things you don't want or do want.. go by how the interactions are.

The shelter where you are looking, do they not have cats out all the time in a cat room?

The local shelter here does and it is for cats that have been there longer than most and have been looked over. They all start out in the caged room.. Then if no one picks them after a while they go to the cat room..

 

[ChiarinaL]

I have seen kittens together in a cat room, with various sorts of interactive toys/trees, etc, but not adults. Local Humane Society is where I am looking for cat. The adults are in cages or separate rooms, not sure how that's determined, or foster homes. There may be some kind of interactive things that they're doing with the adults but I have never seen them together in a room.