Please Help Me With My Insensitive Husband

[ladyhitchhiker]

My cat Linus passed away August 24, 2009. We put him to sleep due to complications with tooth resorption. (Kidneys and heart failing.) Losing him was like losing a limb. I miss him every day. I mean it's not like I spend every day crying uncontrollably, but there are still things that trigger me. I've experienced a lot of grief in my life the last few years, including my step-daughter and my father-in-law and my father to begin with. But Linus's has been the hardest for me in some aspects. How can you not miss someone who loves you unconditionally?

The other day I told my husband I was still having a hard time getting used to Linus not helping me cook - Linus would always be in the kitchen with me when I was cooking in hopes he would get some, and he would talk to me - and my husband said, "Well you need to get over it and it's about time you were used to it. It's been over a year." Yeah, sure, I had Linus with me for almost 9 years, and it should take me a year to get over that? I almost cried.

So what, if Wally left me, only a year would be acceptable mourning period for losing my husband, as well? Linus was a part of my family. My husband is a part of my family. I should think he should know by now that most people can't just shut off grief. And I'm one of those "most" people. I would hope it would take Wally would let it take over a year to "get over me" and just not think about me anymore and for it not to hurt when he missed me if he needed that long to recover. I know it would take me over a year to recover from the loss of him..

LeAnn - my stepdaughter - has been gone for over 5 years now. It is now most of the time that I don't miss her, but I still recognize the loss of her and I still remember her, and there isn't a day that I don't think about her. But there are times it is still painful and that I still miss her. I don't expect to be able to get through my life without it being painful at times to miss loved ones I have lost. Some of my losses are just more manageable than others, and not as fresh. And some losses there are less regrets.

How do I talk to someone that thinks that way???? I love him don't get me wrong, but we honestly are not on the same page obviously when it comes to our emotions...

Rarrr...

 

[keycube]

I would think a good start would be saying this to him, verbatim:

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

LeAnn - my stepdaughter - has been gone for over 5 years now. It is now most of the time that I don't miss her, but I still recognize the loss of her and I still remember her, and there isn't a day that I don't think about her. But there are times it is still painful and that I still miss her. I don't expect to be able to get through my life without it being painful at times to miss loved ones I have lost. Some of my losses are just more manageable than others, and not as fresh. And some losses there are less regrets.

Actually, if that doesn't have an effect, I don't know what would.

 

[strange_wings]

Sometimes people will say stuff that sounds insensitive because they're upset themselves or frustrated that they simply can't fix the situation.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

I just figure of all people in the world I should be able to share my joys and sorrows of Linus with my husband who shared more time with Linus than anyone else - besides Mandarin and I - in our lives together.

Instead of making me feel weird or bad for experiencing grief the way I do. He says that he's over his daughter's death. Well then what's wrong with me that I don't feel "over" it?

 

[keycube]

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

He says that he's over his daughter's death.

I'm hoping he's just REALLY bad at expressing himself, because if those are his exact words, well...that's just not right.

Has he changed at all in recent years...particularly since his daughter's death?

 

[strange_wings]

Maybe he's just accepted it. Everyone grieves differently, you cannot use your feelings and experiences to dictate how someone else should behave and feel in that situation - likewise, he can't do that to you.

If you can't talk to him about emotional stuff then talk to someone you can. If you keep pressing him he'll likely only get mad at you, you'll get more upset, and then everyone is unhappy.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

I think accepting and being over things are two entirely different things. Accepting is learning how to live with the loss, not expecting them to show up some day. Being over well then the grief doesn't affect you at all. The grief is not important. The grief is gone. You have moved on and don't let the past of them influencing your life affect you. Perhaps he doesn't see it that way, but when it had been two years since LeAnn was gone it was exceptionally hard, and he told me he was "over" it. His words, not mine.

I have accepted LeAnn's death, but I don't know if I'll ever be "over" it. Linus, well, I'm still working on acceptance since I still dream of him and so I still expect to see him. As for being over him, again, I don't know if I'll ever be over him. But I do expect with time to accept his loss.

 

[larussa]

I know how you feel, I lost my darling Misty almost two years ago and haven't gotten over it yet. There are times when I will just sit and cry because she has come into my mind, I want nothing more than to have her back with me. Of course no one has ever said 'get over it' unless they were asking for trouble. Your husband may be hurting as much as you but doesn't want to show it so he lashes out at you. Don't let it bother you, grieve as much and as long as you need to, it could take many years. My Misty was with me for almost 16 years and it's going to take a very long time to get over this.

 

[lauren_miller]

My chinchilla Chloe passed away last year in September, it's been almost a year and I am not even near "over it". My family just thought she was a stupid rodent but she and I had a real connection. She was my baby and she passed away in my arms after having a complicated tooth procedure... The vets think she had some kind of reaction to the pain medication. I still cry for her. I think about her every single day and I miss her every day.

Sometimes people just don't get what you're going through. They've never had a real connection with an animal or person.. They just don't get it. It's best to talk to people who do understand.

 

[tavia'smom]

I am sorry first for your loss, I lost my Tavia two years ago and I am not over her it took me two years to get to a place were I was able to have a cat again and now I find myself stopping from calling Pixie by Tavia's name. But Tavia was my heart cat and she will always be in my heart as your baby will be in your heart. The day Tavia did I held her in my arms as she died, and maybe it hurt more because it was unexpected she had been laying on my chest and she jumped off the bed and I cannot describe the sound of her hitting the floor but I knew something was wrong and she started crying out and I carried her into the living room and within minutes she died. And I sat beside her in the basement (my dad put her there so he could dig her a grave but there was ice on the ground so he had to wait for a day) and I was crying and dad told me to stop crying because I was grown now and I think that hurt the most that someone could say that with me hurting so much. And so I know when you miss him and your husband says to get over it that hurts the most that it makes you feel like you are wrong for hurting so. So if you need to talk there is always TCS. I left tcs for nearly two years during my grief for Tavia and I think if I would have stayed my grief would not have been as hard.

 

[pookie-poo]

Everyone grieves on their own schedule. My soul-mate kitty, Spooky, died 10 years ago, and I still miss her. I'm not actively mourning anymore, but I can, and do, become weepy if I think about her too much.

Have you thought about looking into grief counseling? It could be very helpful to have someone empathetic to discuss Linus's passing with. A grief counselor might also be able to help you better deal with your husband's impatience, intolerance and lack of understanding of what you're going through.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

 

[trouts mom]

Men are insensitive by nature. DH says that all the time

But really, alot of times what they are saying, isn't really what they mean (or what we think they mean)

It was not a nice thing to say, but just let him know that men and women grieve differently and that you'd appreciate the time you need.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

I went to grief counseling for a while but we only have group grief counseling around here that I have found and that's not as effective. For one thing, in one hour there's not enough time to get therapy for a group of peole. But I also didn't find the sympathy and wisdom I needed. Especially when I was grieving my step-daughter and I had scathing looks from other people because she wasn't "even my daughter" so why should I care? Go out and have another kid. Like she was replaceable, like a pair of pants. I imagine they would be even less sympathetic of my loss in my beloved cat Linus.

I'm trying to find the right place locally to speak of my feelings, but sometimes it's easier to talk to people who understand - like you guys - about the losses that I am experiencing.

I am sorry for all of your losses. And I wanted to say that I am sorry Tavia, but, at least your sweet baby got to be with you when she passed away. And your father's response wasn't right at all. Grow up? So it's mature to just bottle everything up? You'll end up hurting yourself mentally and physically from the pain when you bottle things up. I've learned that from my mass experience with grief. I lost 8 members in less than 3 years and then, after a two year break, this last year I've lost two (my Aunt Janie and Linus). Before those 8 members, I didn't keep track, but after people and animals started dying left and right I started counting. People keep saying problems come in threes, well they were wrong. Mine came in much larger numbers.

It's especially hard because Linus was such a nurturer. To not have a nurturer in my home.. well I never knew until the last two years I had him that I needed him so badly. I never knew that I needed to give to him as much as he needed to give to me until then. He was my wunderkind. My soulmate. My best friend. When I was sad, he would touch my face, to try and wipe away the tears, or he would hold my hand. If I tried to pull my hand away or let it go lax, he would curl his hand tighter around mine. He liked to hold my hand and for me hold it back. When I was sick he would perch on my shoulder and pet my face - even if I was leaned over the side of the couch barfing - and when I spent too much time in the bathroom, he would come running, screaming and touch my face. If I felt like dancing, he would dance with me. If I watched Star Trek, he liked to watch the ships and stars go by but the people bored him. If I was cooking, he was there to help me. If I was reading, he was there. He was always there. I think to explain him to someone who doesn't understand this kind of love: it was like losing a piece of furniture. How do you live without that couch there? Even years later, you will still miss having a couch. Or perhaps a bed. As you're curled up on the couch, you may still miss that bed.

I make videos, I write songs, poetry all lately inspired by Linus, and I've written a book about his life and his disease I am working to get published. It is entitled "Linus's Blanket". I named Linus after Linus van Pelt when I got him. My aunt told me he would take care of me - and she was right - and so he was Linus and I was his blue blankie. I am trying to find a literary agent, but no bites. I can't imagine that this story doesn't need to be out there. Perhaps, I should publishing it on the internet, and then look for an agent. Get the story popular enough and then maybe people will want to buy it to have it in their hands? I'm not sure. I just know his life was too beautiful not to share.

About my publishing, my husband doesn't see the point. He said it would be a nice memoir to print out for doctor's offices but he doesn't think there's a large enough market for my book. I hope to prove him wrong.

I still think I should be able to talk to my husband about emotional stuff. And I need to now more than ever. I don't have Linus's patient ears to speak to.

 

[threecatowner]

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

About my publishing, my husband doesn't see the point. He said it would be a nice memoir to print out for doctor's offices but he doesn't think there's a large enough market for my book. I hope to prove him wrong.

You go, girl. Write that book. And talk to us - anytime. We understand. I think it's got to be incredibly cathartic to write this book, and I'm pulling for you. I'll even buy a copy when it's published!

When I lose a kitty, my husband is "kind" for the rest of that day. Then I'm on my own. Some people just don't have it in them, God help them. I still miss Sandy, who I lost a week before my 10th birthday. He'd have me committed if he knew how much I miss all my kitties...

 

[lauren_miller]

When Chloe passed away, I got this book and it really helped to read it.. I open it up now and then whenever I'm sad...

http://www.amazon.com/Saying-Goodbye...3229328&sr=1-1

 

[milk maid]

I was in tears reading your post I know exactly how you feel in your loss of Linus as I think a lot of other people on here do. I dont think greef as a time limit, our feelings just dont work that way. I lost my Fozzie dog last november, and I am still often in tears, that little dog helped me through the very sudden death of my first husband, if it hadent been for Fozzie I dont think I would have had the strenth to go on, he was my little man

. I then lost Fozzie suddnley in a routeen castration op at the vets. My new husband knows when I am sad and just tends to leave me to get on with it, I dont think most men can deal with greef and just block it out.
You have people on here that understand, so here is the place to be.

 

[swampwitch]

I don't believe that we ever truly "get over" the loss of a loved one. In time we can learn to live with the losses, but that can take years and years. NO ONE has the knowledge or the right to us when we should be finished grieving.

I'm so sorry for your losses. When you are dealing with more than one, it seems to make the grief increase exponentially. I believe the toughest thing about life is learning how to live again after such devastating losses, I think it affects us in every possible way. Please continue what you are doing to cope and know that there are many people here who understand what you are going through. Take care of yourself, grief is really tough on our minds and bodies.

Sorry I don't have any advice about your husband.

 

[libby74]

Originally Posted by LaRussa

Your husband may be hurting as much as you but doesn't want to show it so he lashes out at you. Don't let it bother you, grieve as much and as long as you need to, it could take many years. My Misty was with me for almost 16 years and it's going to take a very long time to get over this.

I have to agree, and give your husband the benefit of the doubt. Some people feel loss very deeply (I'm including myself in that group) and are able to express their grief. Others seem to be almost indifferent in the face of loss. There have been times in my life when I wanted nothing more than for my DH to put his arms around me to comfort me. He's not comfortable letting his emotions show, and I've learned to live with that, for the most part. There are. however, times that I go up to him, look him straight in the eye and say, "I need a hug." (sometimes you just have to beat them over the head with it)

You grieve just as long and as hard as you need to. I lost my Grandmother in 1969, and I still cry, wishing I'd had more time with her. I cry for the Sheltie we lost in 1988 and I miss her terribly. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over your grief; IMO, it just shows how much you truly loved the one you're grieving for.

 

[zohdee]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. Some people just don't understand grieving.

The day I had to pick up Boomer's ashes was awful. I went to work and didn't say one word to anyone...very strange behavior on my part. I didn't want to talk about with them at all. I was offered and accepted the rest of the day off.

His passing is relatively fresh so I find myself blubbering all the time. I wish I could turn back the clock so I could make a different decision. Not that the one I made was wrong, he was 17 and had difficulties eating, getting around and going to the litter box. I just wish he was still with me.

 

[2furgirls]

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

About my publishing, my husband doesn't see the point. He said it would be a nice memoir to print out for doctor's offices but he doesn't think there's a large enough market for my book. I hope to prove him wrong.

I still think I should be able to talk to my husband about emotional stuff. And I need to now more than ever. I don't have Linus's patient ears to speak to.

Good luck with the book, it would be of great value to so many in these times where loss is everywhere. I wonder if you would consider dedicating it to your husband, from you and Linus, with compassion and joy. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, he likely had too much grief, is emotionally very fragile on that level, has not really processed it through, and may have closed the heart center down on that level. So he will talk roughly, so he doesn't get "opened up". Watching you grieve healthily may be a threat to him... Good luck with this very important issue all of us face .