Please Help Me With My Insensitive Husband

[libby74]

Your post about Linus was absolutely amazing; what a bond the two of you shared! You were so lucky to have him in your life. IMO, you will grieve for him and miss him for the rest of your life. It will get easier, and you will learn to live with it, but the loss of Linus is something that will always affect you. And considering the bond you obviously had with him, I would be surprised if you weren't still grieving for him. It's obvious that you and he adored each other.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

Sorry been working crazy hours lately so I haven't been able to get on lately. Thank you guys for being so incredibly supportive. It means a lot.

Yes, I would be surprised if someone wasn't grieving someone who was obviously such a positive influence in their life. I don't think you just shut it off. It doesn't make sense. It is the most complicated, sneaky, and subversive and painful of emotions.

It has been incredibly cathartic to speak of Linus and talk of Linus. But there are times where I don't want to. The less I speak of him - I know this doesn't make sense but this is manipulative grief is - the more I feel like he'll come back.

And perhaps 2furgirls you are right. Maybe he's just grieving harder than I am, and doesn't know how to express it. It's possible. But if he doesn't communicate his emotions, how am I supposed to know that?

 

[tara g]

I'm sorry to hear about the tough times you are having with your husband understanding your grief. I don't know what I'd feel if mine did the same, but it could be that he is having a tough time with it as well and wants to put on a strong facade. While what he said was wrong, it could be his way of dealing.

My husband was the first to break down crying when his 15 year old cat Tigger passed away suddenly after an I-131 treatment 9/11/2007. I was offered the rest of the day off work by my co-workers, but he tried to tough it out and stay at work while the guy he was working for/with told him "its just a stupid cat, there are plenty out there." He cried for about a week and a half at night just missing her, and feeling his pain made me cry as well. I'd only had Tigger in my life for 2 years, but I am welling up as I type about her. She wasn't a fan of me to begin with because I took her person's attention away. As I spent more time there, I didn't have a job for 7 months, so she and I bonded A LOT. We both still miss her and her ashes are in a cat-shaped urn next to me, along with Monte, who we lost in 2008.

Monte and his sister Katina (who we still have, she lives with her "grandparents" next door) were adopted 2 weeks after we lost Tigger, as there was a void in our lives. They were there for me when I lost my grandpa near the end of September 2007, so when Monte was hit by a car in 2008, I grieved very hard for him, even though I only had him in my life for 11 months. Rob cried as well when he went to confirm that it was in fact Monte his parents found. He again toughed it out and went to work, but at night would openly cry about him, for a good 2 weeks or so.

It took some time before we could have pictures around the house or talk about them without crying, and to this day I can still cry over my 14 year old German Shepherd who died in 1999, my two childhood cats I'd do ANYTHING to have back - Battery (died in 2003) and Mag (died in 2004), if I think about them a lot. I've accepted their deaths, and moved on with life to other cats, but I still think about and miss them every day. I dream about Battery and Mag quite often, that they are still alive (they'd be 17 this year), and in my dreams I'm usually worried about them dying soon.

You deal with things your own way and the bond you had with Linus will always be in your heart no matter how long it's been, hopefully your husband will be able to understand that and let you feel how you need to feel and do things on your own time, while being supportive of you.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

Thanks so much for all the support. I really think I should be able to talk to my husband about emotional stuff but maybe it's him and him not being ready to talk about it and not me?

 

[libby74]

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

Thanks so much for all the support. I really think I should be able to talk to my husband about emotional stuff but maybe it's him and him not being ready to talk about it and not me?

Believe me, it's not you. I'm married to one of those non-emotional guys, too.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

Is he non-emotional or too emotional and can't express it so he jars it up?

Hmmm...

 

[libby74]

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

Is he non-emotional or too emotional and can't express it so he jars it up?

Hmmm...

Non-emotional. He had a very rough childhood---emotionally and psychologically speaking---and keeps most things bottled up because he really doesn't know how to express "normal" feelings. The only true emotion I've ever seen him fully express is anger, and that's after it's built up over a period of time.

 

[trimph1]

Originally Posted by libby74

Non-emotional. He had a very rough childhood---emotionally and psychologically speaking---and keeps most things bottled up because he really doesn't know how to express "normal" feelings. The only true emotion I've ever seen him fully express is anger, and that's after it's built up over a period of time.

I would not say he is non-emotional. I'd be saying he is emotional--he just might not want to show it--it might be too much for him so he bottles it up inside. I am one of those types of guys too. I am seen quite frequently as being unemotional but I find a lot of the time that I am overtaken by these emotions--hence I stuff them inside---which really is not good for the heart or much else besides---that is why I work on it--

 

[libby74]

I would not say he is non-emotional. I'd be saying he is emotional--he just might not want to show it--it might be too much for him so he bottles it up inside.QUOTE]

I don't know; we've been togethr 36 years, so I think I know him pretty well.

I think it's really a good thing that you recognize this in yourself and are trying to work on it.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

I don't think my husband had a rough childhood... or at least not the way he explains it. I'm thinking he's depressed. He's so not into doing anything. Or maybe he's a secretly anxious person like I am, and it leads him to not want to do things?