Ok, I feel strange asking this but I need female input.

[catsarebetter]

Originally Posted by Mirinae

I do a few things to keep myself "feeling" attractive and to put myself in the mood. First off, I tell myself that I am sexy and attractive and smokin' hot. Whether or not it's actually physically true is irrelevant; I find, in a lot of cases, that if you behave as though you think you're hot, people will treat you like you're hot -- and you'll start to believe it yourself.

Another thing I do is to find music that empowers me. It doesn't matter what the song is, so long as listening to it, singing along to it, and dancing to it makes me feel sexy, attractive and powerful. Dancing and singing are two things that make me feel good, about myself and about my body (even though I'm not particularly good at dancing or singing -- I just enjoy doing it), and feeling good about myself translates into me feeling "in the mood."

Finally, sometimes when I'm not feeling sexy or at all interested in being intimate with my partner, I'll do it anyway. Studies suggest that the more frequently you do it, the more frequently you'll want to do it. I'm not saying get it on when you feel sick or in pain, but if you're just feeling apathetic about it, give it a try because that might be all the boost you need. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it can't hurt to try!

*takes off Dr. Ruth hat and resumes her work day*

This is precisely correct. Tell yourself something positive about yourself ... look in the mirror and pick out one thing in the morning, and actually *admire* it.. and then find something different every day. But do it daily (and it wouldn't hurt to tell yourself whatever it was for the day throughout the day and before bed too).. Fake it, you'll start believing it and other people really do pick up on that.

I also found that meditation (and probably yoga or tai chi.. things of that nature) really help to focus too. They're extremely relaxing, especially meditation, and honestly, I'm not huge on new age stuff, but that really helped to completely make my outlook positive, get rid of all the negative stuff, and to energize me.

I found that when I want to feel slinky or sexy, music does it... I'll go "all out" for a date, though.. I'll put on music that makes me feel that way and play it while I get ready.. take a nice long hot bath, with bath salts, scrub yourself down with the smell good fancy "salt scrub". Moisturize afterwards, especially if you have a perfume that you can layer.. like I have bath powder, body wash, perfume and lotion in most of my scents..deep condition and fix up your hair, give yourself a pedicure/manicure.. wear your favorite slinky clothing,.. lingerie and outerwear, maybe even do something slightly "naughty" (and if you need suggestions on that PM me).. doing something that is slightly naughty really makes you feel sexy, especially when you can't tell the DH because it will spoil the fun of him discovering it.

 

[trouts mom]

Awww, I wish I could help you but I have the same problem

My ex thought I was the hottest thing, but I never felt that way. I really don't see what others see. I guess thats the result of a negative self body image.

Its no fun..I try to use positive self talk to helps things feel more positive. I am a complete gymrat, and try to eat healthy. I workout more than anyone I know, and still can't get rid of the things on my body that I don't like.

Its definately hard to be intimate and uninhibited when your always thinking about how you look...I am terrified to meet a new guy and him to see me naked

Lights off please!!

I need help in this department too...People tell me I look great..but I just feel like they have no idea because they have never seen me nekkid!

Anyway, best of luck to you on your journey for confidence

I hope some of the suggestions work here for you..maybe I'll try them too.

 

[carolpetunia]

I am actually a little teary-eyed from the pure beauty of nearly all the responses you've gotten here. What an amazing, caring group of people we have on this site!

Just a few things to mention...

1. Size 12 is perfectly lovely! You're a woman now, not just a girl... there's more substance to you, both inside and out. That's a good and natural thing.

2. Stress leads to depression, which leads to self-loathing, which leads to sexual withdrawal. Some of what's happening to you might be hard to turn around without treatment for the emotional toll of caring for your mom. Please see if your doctor thinks you could benefit from a gentle antidepressant... and also, if you can add more physical activity to your days (in spite of the sit-down job), it's well-known that exercise helps your brain overcome the effects of depression. Can you stand up at your desk, pace a little, stretch your legs?

3. Fundamental principle: In lovemaking, the bodies are only a means of expression for something that happens between two spirits... and that experience is far more powerful than a couple of dress sizes. However "big" you may feel you are... the magical combination of love and sex is 'way, 'way bigger.

4. From the spiritual to the practical: although I've been alone for a long, long time, I don't want to lose a sense of myself as a sexual being, y'know? So whenever I get some privacy, I put on music and dance. If anyone saw me, "sexy" is NOT the word that would come to mind!

But I can feel sexy, and that's a very healthy thing. So dance! Maybe even take a dance class.

If you're really courageous, take bellydancing!

Bless your brave heart for sharing this and giving us all a chance to talk about this feeling.

 

[swampwitch]

This thread is another example of why I love this site. There's so much honesty and helpfulness here!

Since everyone's sharing their stories, here's my story why I had to learn to love myself.

All of my childhood, and young adulthood (and even to this day) my mother has told me I'm "not good enough." When I made straight A's, they should have been A+'s. When I earned medals and awards for my music, I was told they must be giving them to everybody. Even when I won first (in the state of Texas) in an art contest (all-expenses paid vacation for my family of six) at age 13 she turned it around by teasing me. She still does it. The contest was sponsored by Rath Weiners and I could never count the number of times she has chanted "You're a Rath weenie-winner!"

She told my husband a few years ago I won a contest because I could "color within the lines." (!) A few years ago I got my scrapbook out of storage and the newspaper article about it said that my mother had picked up the winning entry form! There was no mention of art and it sounded like all I had done was sent it in.

I've never been pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough; she's never liked my friends, my career choices, my hair, the way I dress, my apartment, etc. etc.

At some point in my life I started liking myself, and started seeing how my mother was wrong. Whenever I would think something negative about myself I would make it stop and think of good things. Eventually I stopped the negative thinking and I am happy with myself, warts and all. (I'm not perfect by a long shot but I try to work on things instead of beating myself up about them.)

And about beauty... my mother was strikingly beautiful. I mean head-turning; she had the whole package. She was also very proud, haughty, and vain. When she started losing her looks in her 60s, she started hating herself because there was nothing else there of value (she felt). She's a miserable, negative, difficult, hypercritical person now in her 80s.

My mother taught me three very important lessons: how not to marry, how not to treat your children, and how not to put importance on physical appearance. Thanks for listening.

 

[carolpetunia]

Oh, SW...

 

[lunasmom]

I think as long as you are still eating healthy (i.e. taking your stess eating out on a carrot), then you're still doing good. However if you're stressing out on a donut or cream filled puff something or other 15x a day, buy carrots, celery, apples, oranges etc.

You'd be amazed at the difference you feel about yourself by ingesting vitamins and calcium rather than non-pronouncable ingredients.

Also I stress chew on gum. I don't know how well that will work in a call center, but if I feel snackish, I just pop in a piece of gum. I know its not the best thing for my teeth, but its better then smoking or stress eating.

Also try yoga or pilates. The breathing exercises alone are fantastic for stress.

 

[catsarebetter]

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

1. Size 12 is perfectly lovely! You're a woman now, not just a girl... there's more substance to you, both inside and out. That's a good and natural thing.

The responses here have been so lovely and honest..

I just wanted to say that how you feel about yourself has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance. When I was thinner and younger (in my teens and very early 20s) I had no self-confidence. Models, by the way, are some of the most insecure people I know.. beauty queens, hawaiin tropic girls, girls that have been offered centerfolds for playboy and some of the other mags.. I've known quite a few of them, and the problems that all of these beautiful girls with perfect bodies faced was entirely psychological. Self-confidence in yourself, and particularly projecting self-confidence has everything to do with your state of mind. Having been in the 'oh my god no one will accept me.. I'm too fat... I'm not pretty enough.. I'm not popular enough.." I had to build my self-confidence, and honestly, every once in a great while it wanes. But, the way I did that was pretending that I had self-confidence. Whenever I felt nervous, I just put my shoulders back and chin up and thought well, repeatedly told myself for every one person who doesn't like me... three others will. And that's pretty much how I built my self-confidence. I faked it, and eventually I believed it. Now, in my later years, I'm a size 22, I'm 250 pounds, and I can walk into a room and people see me as thinner than I am, taller than I am, and as many people will talk to me as they will to my thin friends... I'm never at a loss for dance partner.. it's all due to self-confidence. Certainly, I am not thin, or in shape, or even remotely close, and occasionally I *will* look at myself in the mirror and think, "lordy, girl, you have seriously got to knock that weight off, you're a fatty", but that's so few and far between the times that I look in the mirror and think.. you look pretty good.

Anyway, the point here is... as they said on "the apprentice" you have to fake it till you make it. It's true. While what everyone here said is true... it won't make the least bit of difference if you don't believe it yourself. You'll just think, oh, they're probably just being nice to me..they don't want to hurt my feelings.. you'll just wonder if they're fibbing to you, and what you really look like.. at least... that's what I thought. I never believed them until I believed it myself.

I'm sure you are a lovely person, and I'm certainly sure that your DH thinks so.. they only thing left to do with that is make yourself believe it. It's not an easy process and it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen. Do things for yourself that make you feel pretty.

 

[bonnie1965]

I think the term is "fake it 'til you make it"

 

[EnzoLeya]

I gained a lot of weight when I switched jobs!!! 30lbs in 6 months. Tell me how much that sucked. I'm only 20 and I have stretch marks and cottage cheese legs!!! I was feeling pretty ashamed of my body for a long time because of my young age and the weight I've gained. Size 7 to a size 11, barely.... I'm finally fitting back into size 9s but it took a year. I just had to find something I love doing that's good for my body. I walk a lot and ride my bike, but my favorite thing to do is ride horses....I live an hour from my horse right now so more than once a week is out of the question with gas prices. College....I suppose it's worth a lot more than getting to ride my horse all the time....maybe

I watched the Tyra Banks show a month ago and it was called "So What!" The show talked about everyone having flaws and you shouldn't care what people think or say because they aren't perfect either. So, on wednesday I actually went swimming in a 2 piece bathing suit and I told my mom and everyone I was with. So what if I have stretch marks, so what if I eat three good meals a day and look like it, at least I'm happy and I don't have to kill myself to try and look like a starving model. Oh, and so what if my skin is so white it's see through!!!!

 

[roimata]

I also used to be really small, and now I wear 9-11, which is odd because I only weigh 115lbs and im 5'0, I dont really like my body...but I didnt either when I was small, I was TOO small. My fiance loves my body though, he doesnt want me to change and I believe it. He tells me to see myself through his eyes and I do. He says "your for me, and I love how you look, so you dont need to worry about if you like it or not, because your for me to look at", and now I could care less about how I look lol I know he loves my body and see's no flaw in it, so I dont flip out or worry about those vain things anymore.

and hey, im only 18 and I have stretch marks and cellulite lol, but I dont care, my fiance loves it. Its very liberating when you know those things dont matter anymore.

 

[whiskerynature]

I think that exercise would be good. I mean, not just in terms of physical appearance. You'll really feel better, and be making an investment in yourself for the future -- healthwise.

It's great that you walk. Your knees are bad, so running is not best, but maybe you can hike or do interval training run/walk. If you can, try going to a gym & getting a few sessions of personal training -- or borrow/buy a video/dvd for pilates, yoga, aerobics, dance, or weights that you can do at home. You'll feel better, and your body will thank you later. Plus, you'll stave off any further weight gain & feelings of sluggishness, and protect your body as it ages (think longterm, like post-menopausal brittle bones & muscle loss, etc.)

P.S. You probably look fine now

, but maybe a bit of exercise will just squash that self-doubt

...or maybe it'll make you a bit frisky

, as it has been rumored to do!

P.P.S. If you can afford it, I'd recommend the Apple iPod nano & the nike+iPod attachment -- it'll help you keep track of how far you walk, calories burned, and motivational messages pop up every now and then. It's great -- every time, you can challenge yourself to walk longer, 1 more song or something. Plus, there's a voice that will tell you your pace, how far you've gone, how much left, etc. Also, it uploads your info to a website so that you can track your progress -- it's great to see how far you'll improve. Oh, and you don't need special Nike shoes. Just get the shoepouch accessory (from shoepouch.com) -- it's like $7 + $3 shipping.

 

[bonnie1965]

Originally Posted by Roimata

and hey, im only 18 and I have stretch marks and cellulite lol, but I dont care, my fiance loves it. Its very liberating when you know those things dont matter anymore.

Stretch marks are part of the growing process. Many women get them when they go through growth spurts as young teens. Young men get them, too.

Cellulite is hereditary. Its in the genes

You are right, they do not matter. We absorb so much from the media telling us we should have the body of a pre-pubescent child. It breaks my heart to see healthy men and women hating their bodies because they aren't some advertisers/designers idea of perfection. Personally, I believe many of those advertisers/designers suffer from retarded growth in many ways.

 

[catsarebetter]

Originally Posted by whiskerynature

I think that exercise would be good. I mean, not just in terms of physical appearance. You'll really feel better, and be making an investment in yourself for the future -- healthwise.

I think exercise is a potential way to work off your stress, and honestly, it is the one thing I miss about my younger, thinner, in shape body (although, that being said, when I was "in shape" I was 180lbs and a size 12)... but I was very solidly muscled..

Anyway..that and I really do suggest meditation.. there are some online websites that give you free short audio meditation sessions. Just have to search a little on meditation audio or something like that to find them.

 

[roimata]

Originally Posted by Bonnie1965

Stretch marks are part of the growing process. Many women get them when they go through growth spurts as young teens. Young men get them, too.

Cellulite is hereditary. Its in the genes

You are right, they do not matter. We absorb so much from the media telling us we should have the body of a pre-pubescent child. It breaks my heart to see healthy men and women hating their bodies because they aren't some advertisers/designers idea of perfection. Personally, I believe many of those advertisers/designers suffer from retarded growth in many ways.

Yeah, I used to be a stick. Then I hit puberty and got stretch marks all over...more than the average person I think...my inner and outer thighs, my hips, my breasts....and cellulite on my..bottom lol, and thighs lol I just ballooned. I look fat without clothes HAHA, everyones like "your so thin!" and im like "yeah, see me without clothes" HAHA. But its a good thing it doesnt bother me, it shouldnt bother anyone. But I admit, i'd feel self concious if I had to be in a bathingsuit in front of anyone but my fiance.

 

[lunasmom]

Originally Posted by CatsAreBetter

I just wanted to say that how you feel about yourself has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance. When I was thinner and younger (in my teens and very early 20s) I had no self-confidence. Models, by the way, are some of the most insecure people I know...

What you said Heather does ring true. I use to weight 160 (I'm 5'9) while I was still within my "normal" weight (what is normal anymore?!) I hated my body...it seemed all my weight was in my hips, stomach and thighs. I would actually cry taking a bath.

About 5 years ago I decided to do something about it. I quit smoking (which oddly enough helped lose weight), started exercising, and cut out a lot of take-out food.

Now I'm 133, still 5'9, but I'm SOOOOO worried about gaining again that I freak out if I eat too much food. I don't think I have an eating disorder, but I definitely do watch what I eat, how much I eat, and after finishing that pint of Soy Dreams Chocolate brownie last night, I'm DEFINITELY hitting the gym today. I'm now insecure about gaining again.

The point is just like everyone else hear has talked about: LOVE THYSELF. You're body will never be "perfect" so you just need to learn to accept that fact. This can be done either by focusing on the qualities you do love or by "lying" to yourself. Either one works

 

[katl8e]

After having a 10 lb baby, 30+ years ago, I've got stretch marks on my stretch marks

If a man can't see beyond that, to the warm, witty, affectionate and VERY sensuous woman that I am, then he's isn't right for me. Considering the ages of the men that I date (50+), if I can overlook love handles, gray hair and bald spots, THEY can overlook a bit of belly flab.

 

[catsarebetter]

I think if you're comfortable with yourself, you'll be comfortable with yourself at any weight, body type, with ..well, with maybe a few extreme exceptions..with any flaws.