Need advice on a friend issue

[rone]

A good friend left work in May. Ever since she left I've sent her voice mails, emails & text msgs, she respond none of them. While the emails & text msgs are mainly jokes or things like 'I saw a hot guy' so I don't expect her to respond; however some VMs I specifically said to call since I haven't heard from her. It's not like I called 10x a day; about once or twice a month.

I happen to know she talks to another friend (all 3 of us work in the same dept) at least once a week. I'm fine with that. That friend (not the one that left work) is getting married in Oct & both of us are her bridesmaids. Today I got an email from her telling me how to throw a bridal shower @ work. Okay, I guess I'm fine with that as well. However I have problem w/ her not calling, and when I finally hear from her instead of 'what's up' or 'how ya doing', it's tasks XYZ.

It really hurts me that she never called. We've been friends for 7 yrs and I've always been there for her during harsh times. I feel I should talk to her but on the other hand I feel stupid because it's going to sound like "you only talk to A but how come you never talk to me". What should I do?

 

[carolpetunia]

Well... just to cover all the bases -- is it possible she's not receiving your messages? Could they be blocked by her anti-spam program, perhaps? Maybe she's been wondering why you haven't contacted her!

But I admit that's unlikely, and in any case, she obviously has your email address and could have gotten in touch herself. So the only other "excuse" I can think of is... if she left the company under unpleasant circumstances, she might be embarrassed to have contact with anyone who works there.

Those possibilities aside, it does seem thoughtless and inappropriate for her to just assign you a chore without so much as the proverbial howdedoo. I think I might just reply with something like... "It's good to hear from you. I admit I've been mystified by your silence, but I trust you have your reasons. Thank you for the information -- I'll be happy to arrange an office shower for Sally." If she has any grace at all, she will be humbled by your self-restraint in not showing anger or demanding an explanation.

It seems awkward, though, that you should have to deal with her in setting up the shower -- is that what's expected here? Unless this former friend somehow makes amends, I think you should work with the bride directly instead.

 

[strange_wings]

What's she like personality wise? Chances are either she doesn't consider you a friend in the same way you consider her one - merely an acquaintance instead or her personality type is just more of a reserved one.

As one of those types that can disappear for months then turn up like nothing happened (as far as contact with others) I can understand that maybe her personality type is just very different from what most people could be used to.

I think my online friends have figured me out by now. I can disappear for 3-4 months, not a peep out of me. Come back and pick right up where I left off - it confuses them a bit but I do this when busy/engrossed in something or just when I have nothing to say.

 

[calico2222]

I would just suck it up and plan a party for your mutual friend. The party is about her, not your relationship with your other friend.

I know it's hard, but you don't know what is going on with her. She may have had to work things out that had nothing to do with you.

I'm kind of like strange_wings where there are times I don't want to talk to anyone. Just give her space and wait until you are face to face and see how things go. Sometimes life gets so busy it's hard to keep in touch with everyone.

 

[natalie_ca]

It's a one sided friendship. Time to call it a day and move on.

I've had some "friends" like that over the course of my life, and some that would only call me if they wanted to borrow something, or needed a favour.

I don't have time for people like that in my life. Everyone gets busy and sometimes even health gets in the way. But there comes a point where you just have to write it off and move on.

You are the one initiating all of the contact, therefore you are doing all of the work in trying to maintain a friendship with this girl. She's putting in zero effort and not responding to your effort. Who needs friends like that?

Erase her from your address book and be done with it.

 

[addiebee]

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

It's a one sided friendship. Time to call it a day and move on.

I've had some "friends" like that over the course of my life, and some that would only call me if they wanted to borrow something, or needed a favour.

I don't have time for people like that in my life. Everyone gets busy and sometimes even health gets in the way. But there comes a point where you just have to write it off and move on.

You are the one initiating all of the contact, therefore you are doing all of the work in trying to maintain a friendship with this girl. She's putting in zero effort and not responding to your effort. Who needs friends like that?

Erase her from your address book and be done with it.

Stop and think about the nature of your relationship with this woman. Was she a "user", and you the "usee", as Natalie_ca proposes? I also jettison people like that b/c life is too short to have have strong mutual relationships.

 

[strange_wings]

I don't see how a person can be a "user" if they're not having any contact with another person. That would be referred to as distant.

Who knows, maybe she didn't want to plan the party because she'd bad at it? Obviously being social isn't her strong point..

 

[belongstoevie]

Hmm... Could be any number of things, everything that the others have mentioned could be the case. I've had friends that I've fallen out of contact with for various reasons. My husband had a friend who they hadn't spoken in ages, we had written him off (hubby had called and written and messaged and no response), and out of no where, the friend called my husband! And no, not for using him for anything, just to chat and catch up. I do that, too, sometimes (though not too too long, I hope!).

My only additional thought is, have you asked your mutual friend? Maybe she knows if something is going on you're unaware of. Maybe phone issues, boyfriend issues, work issues, just busy and distracted, or even if she's upset with you for some reason. I don't mean in a gossipy way, but if you're worried about her, it wouldn't hurt to ask. You did say they talk. Just a thought, it's what I would do!

 

[gailuvscats]

How are she and the other friend communucating? Who is doing the initiating? is it via email or on the phone.

I understand how you feel. I always expect more from my friends. Actually, I expect them to be as good a friend to me as I am to them. Perhaps I am too needy.It really bothers me when someone takes a week to return my call, or doesn't call me when they have returned from vacation, and when I finally call them, they have been home for two weeks but didn't bother to call me. But we still get together and have a good time, so it isn't that they don't like me, it is just different expectations from a friendship. I don't bring it up, because I feel it will damage rather than enhance the relationship, so I accept them the way they are.
You might not improve the relationship by calling her on it, and I don't suggest you dump her because she isn't meeting your expectations. She has just changed her situation, so your relationship is changing as well. give it some time and see what it settles into.

 

[swampwitch]

I'd just give her some space, since that's what she seems to want. Maybe she will come around to you again, maybe not; but that's in her hands right now. I'd back off but not do anything to end the friendship.

When people act like this it is usually all about them and what's going on in their lives. We tend to think we did something to cause the behavior but many times people are reacting to their lives and we just happen to be nearby. Good luck.

 

[yosemite]

Your definition of friend and mine are very different. I don't consider someone like this to be a friend. An acquaintance yes, but certainly not a friend.

 

[dixie_darlin]

I have been that friend before

I didn't mean to but I was going through a really rough time in life and didn't really want to associate with anyone.
Maybe she's having some problems in life and is dealing with them?

I did at least let everyone know I was still alive and kicking though.

 

[rone]

Thank you everyone for advice/suggestions. I was upset when posting but I'm calmer now.

Since she's one of the 'tell it like it is' person, I decide to just tell her how I feel. She apologize profusely & explain her hectic life (sending daughter to college, helping mom, & her uncle has only 1 week to live). Now I feel bad for being so demanding. Lesson learned & I will try to be more patient next time.