My Week from he** July 15-23rd.Very sensitive topic (trigger for some). Long and sad.

[libby74]

OH Chris, I am so very sorry. I've been so caught up in my own life's dramas lately that I missed this thread.
I lost my Dad in 1993, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and miss him and wish I could get some words of advice from him.

I truly don't know what to say. Just know that you and you're family are in my thoughts and prayers. Eventually the pain will lessen, but it will take time---lots and lots of time. It sounds as if you were the family "rock", as I was at my Dad's wake and funeral. Everyone leaned on me; no one seemed to realize I was in as much pain as they were. Luckily, no one turned on me or accused me of anything; your Mom is going thru her own hell right now. Someday you will mend fences with her but for now, grieve in your own way and in your own time.

You were lucky to have such a wonderful Dad---hold onto that. I think you're right about the April stroke affecting him. When my sweet, mild mannered Grandpa had a stroke his personality changed completely. Unfortunately, it happens. Keep remembering the good times you and your Dad had together, and never forget that he loved you.

 

[Ms. Freya]

Chris, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I wish I could be more eloquent, but I really don't know what to say. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[snake_lady]

3 weeks today.

It still has not gotten easier, I still have not gotten past the shock, or accepted anything. I don't know....I really don't.

The nightmares come slightly less, only when I'm alone or stressed.
I'm not crying myself to sleep as much, again, only when I'm alone or stressed.

I wish there was something, some closure...A funeral, a memorial service, something.

But it is an issue of finances. My dads ashes will be placed in the family plot here, but that requires my mom and siblings to fly here which cannot be afforded right now, and I can't help any more....I absorbed the cost of my sister flying out there, and in turn, we have to be quite careful with our spending now.

Maybe I do need to share some happier times...right now the memory I have driven in my head is that of:

When I was 13, angry/depressed/suicidal, my parents along with the school psychologist and family doctor decided to place me in a hospital psychiatric ward. I was to ride with my parents to the hospital. As soon as we got to the door, I bolted. Dad was the one to chase after me, and put me in the car. He saved my life for the first time that day, which is something I will never forget.

That was 20yrs ago.

Tis bittersweet.

 

[snake_lady]

I'm sorry its taking me some time to work my way thru this post, but please know how much everyone means to me, your kindness during this time does help

Originally Posted by Ms. Freya

Chris, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I wish I could be more eloquent, but I really don't know what to say. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you, I understand that it is not an easy situation to word, but I appreciate every thought I've been given...it does help

Originally Posted by libby74

OH Chris, I am so very sorry. I've been so caught up in my own life's dramas lately that I missed this thread.
I lost my Dad in 1993, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and miss him and wish I could get some words of advice from him.

I truly don't know what to say. Just know that you and you're family are in my thoughts and prayers. Eventually the pain will lessen, but it will take time---lots and lots of time. It sounds as if you were the family "rock", as I was at my Dad's wake and funeral. Everyone leaned on me; no one seemed to realize I was in as much pain as they were. Luckily, no one turned on me or accused me of anything; your Mom is going thru her own hell right now. Someday you will mend fences with her but for now, grieve in your own way and in your own time.

You were lucky to have such a wonderful Dad---hold onto that. I think you're right about the April stroke affecting him. When my sweet, mild mannered Grandpa had a stroke his personality changed completely. Unfortunately, it happens. Keep remembering the good times you and your Dad had together, and never forget that he loved you.

Thank you so much for sharing about your Dad and Grampa. It does help knowing that others have had similiar experiences with strokes changing people I mean.... it helps to make it a little more accepting

I truly appreciate your kind thoughts

My are also with you during your rough times too.

Originally Posted by AmberThe Bobcat

Hello Chris, lots of

to you because I know you need them right now. Wish there was a LOT more that I could do

Thank you John.

Originally Posted by AlleyGirl

So sorry for your loss Chris and the way that this has all happened.

You are in my thoughts

Thank you very much, I do appreciate it.

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

Life is always full of regrets. I understand your thoughts. Wishing him to leave during his stroke instead of being in mental anguish and putting you guys through the pain of his suicide, is not a selfish thought. Let me see if I can put this in some persepctive. I'm not trying to detract from your pain. Your posts made me cry, because I empathize. I have been through a lot of grief. In 5 years I lost 11 family members, and before then I didn't even keep track.

When my father passed away three years ago, my mom called me up and said, "Dad's dead". I thought she said, "the dog's dead," so I asked her to repeat what she said. She obviously wasn't taking her bipolar meds or they just weren't working right because she screamed at me, "YOU HEARD ME!" I collapsed into the floor. My husband was there. I was getting ready for work and standing in my underwear. I couldn't even figure out how to function buttons or zippers. I had to wear skirts and shirts for a week, and my husband had to help me with my bras. But the first thing I said as soon as I got off the phone was, "Why wasn't it my mom?"

I felt so incredibly guilty for feeling that way. But you have to understand, my dad was my superhero, and saved me from polar bears, rattle snakes, sids, and I thought he would always be there for me. My mom however at that point had been battling with her bipolar disorder and congestive heart failure for 14 years. They had first thought she was going through menopause. She had died three time on the hospital table in Green Bay before the [insert expletive here]-heads figured out it was her heart and not her going through menopause. When I said that, I didn't realize why dad had died. My dad had died in his sleep of congestive heart failure. We thought he had a cold for two weeks, but he was dying. We just didn't realize how sick he was because there was a recall on my mother's pacemaker/defibulator and she almost died the day before. Instead of going to Green Bay again, they decided to go home. My brother found his body in the basement in the morning.

Since then I have told my mom how I felt, and she has forgiven me. But your thought is similar to my thought. It's just a different case. My mom and I are now best friends when in high school when she wasn't medicated she would throw me down the stairs and tear out chunks of my hair. Medication for the people who need it is VITAL. Mental issues are NOT a joke.

But also since my dad died, it was like the last straw. Before then I had lost my step-daughter which I thought would be the hardest thing ever, and a few other people, but dad was the last straw. I started smoking and haven't been able to stop. Losing my father shook my whole entire foundation. There's so many questions, and so many regrets. I keep saying I'm going to quit smoking, but then someone else dies.

I'm sorry for the long post. But I know what it's like to deal with family members going through emotional trauma, mental disorders, etc.,. and am just learning how to deal with my own. I guess what I want to say is you shouldn't feel guilty for your emotions. Take as much time as you need to hole yourself away, or spill your guts as much as you want. I'm here for you, either way.

This is obviously something they should have taught in school. Dealing with grief. I would have used that a heck of a lot more than I have EVER used algebra or my four years of foreign languages.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace.

 

[jenwales]

I'm just reading this today. I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you've been through.

I always hesitate to give advice when it comes to feelings because the only person who truly knows how you feel is you. Our histories color our reactions and shape our decisions.

I've lost many people throughout my life and have faced hardships just like everyone else. I'm not religious, but a long time ago I learned to meditate and appreciate Eastern (mainly Buddhist) philosophy. Learning to let go and be in the moment is the key to inner peace. Give meditation a serious try and see if it helps. I'm betting it will. I also think support groups are a great idea because it is important to connect with people who are walking the same road.

 

[libby74]

Chris, I wanted to let you know that you and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers. In the grand scheme of things, 3 weeks isn't much time. I still grieve for my Dad after 17 years, and I assume I always will. All you can do is take it one day at a time. I promise you--it will get easier. I can still remember the first time I laughed after my Dad's death. It took me a solid month to get to that place, and I remember being amazed that I actually could laugh again. And then I felt guilty. Everyone grieves differently, and I do feel that you need some sort of closure now-not when it's convenient for everyone else. Why not have your own private ceremony, in a park, on a beach, in your backyard, wherever. Remember your Dad, talk to him and about him, all by yourself or with the people you love. Drink a toast to him, plant a tree in his honor, whatever will make you feel better.

I wish I could give you a (((BIG HUG))) right now.

 

[cheshirecat]

Could you have a memorial service of your own? Would it help?

If you are affiliated with any kind of church I'm sure they would be willing to help. It doesn't have to involve religion if you don't want it.

It could even be something as simple as you, husband and your kids sitting in a park or whatever makes you comfortable. And just sharing good memories that you all have.

I have a friend who lives in another state. She has only her son left as family. When her husband died he was cremated. In place of a service just she and her son went to the park where they had spent the happiest times together and scattered his ashes.

It doesn't have to be big just something to help you heal.

 

[pollyanna]

I am so sorry about your dad and so sorry that you had to go through all this.

 

[snake_lady]

4 weeks tomorrow.
I wish I could say I was doing better, but I'm not. Doc says I'm still in shock and not ready to deal with it. I'm not surprised, have too much other poop going on in my life right now.

The "internment" will be held on Sat. Sept. 11 at the cemetary (he was cremated) and then a visit to the legion afterwards. I just found this out today, hence the revival of this topic.

Maybe that will help.

 

[libby74]

Chris, 4 weeks isn't much time at all. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve and heal. (((big hugs)))

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

You're absolutely right, Libby. 4 weeks is absolutely no time in the time of a soul for grieving.

Take as much time as you need to grieve. There is no set time requirement for when you should be "over it". You may never get over it, but in time, and with help, I hope you will find ways for it to not be quite so painful and fresh in your heart.

 

[mbjerkness]

Originally Posted by libby74

Chris, 4 weeks isn't much time at all. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve and heal. (((big hugs)))

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

You're absolutely right, Libby. 4 weeks is absolutely no time in the time of a soul for grieving.

Take as much time as you need to grieve. There is no set time requirement for when you should be "over it". You may never get over it, but in time, and with help, I hope you will find ways for it to not be quite so painful and fresh in your heart.

Sweetie, there is no set time for dealing with grief. Just try and deal with life one day at a time.

 

[snake_lady]

Thanks to all 3 of you (Libby, LadyHitchhiker, and Marianne).

I think its because I've always been the strong one, always had to be. Which is why I'm still "fighting" to deal with it and thinking that I should be dealing with it already.

It doesn't help when more hurts are added either.

Just this past weekend, there was a fundraiser baseball game and a get-together at his sisters house (local to me) which NOONE told me about. I only know about it after the fact because someone posted something on someone elses facebook. (think it was my mom thanking those for raising some money to help her fly here to have the service)

I was so upset and hurt by that

I would have gone and put a little money in (yes I can still offer my mom money but she won't take it anyways, and feels bad that noone helped me pay the $800 for my sisters tickets back in July, so she won't take anymore money).

But the point is, noone told me about it, so I never had the chance to go. I would have loved to be at the get together with relatives, talk and share positive stories about Dad, and just get some nice memories n such.

 

[gingersmom]

Originally Posted by LDG

Chris.....

And much more. Everyone deals with grief SO differently, and anger is one of the first heavy emotions associated with such loss.

It seems to me, from just reading your chronology, that your family members, without thinking, and only because they were filled with emotions THEY couldn't deal with, all took it out on you, the LAST person who needed it.

I commend you for being the rock that you were. I've been that rock following an unexpected death, and I know the detachment involved. So in a small way, I understand what you went through during that week.

Definitely keep a journal of your feelings, if possible, for that may help you to process, and HANG IN THERE.

All the feelings you are having, good, bad or indifferent, are all OKAY to experience. It's part of the process, and unfortunately, there really isn't any way to get through it except to get through it.

If I can be there for you at all, I'd like to be. Just send me a PM or facebook me. And please let me know how you're doing, because I do care.

And Chris, THIS BOOK helped me a great deal. It just might help you, too. Please give it a looksee.

 

[mbjerkness]

I am sorry you have more pain to deal with. Unfortunately a death in the family can bring out the worst in people. I think sometimes people get caught up in their own grief, and forget that others around them are also hurting. To be left out of a family gathering, is just plain hurtful.

healing vibes for you and your family

 

[ldg]

Oh Chris................................

I can't post as many hugs as I'm sending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[snake_lady]

Originally Posted by GingersMom

And Chris, THIS BOOK helped me a great deal. It just might help you, too. Please give it a looksee.

Thank you so much, I have been looking for any book recommendations :nods: There's a bookstore nearby that I can look and see if they have that book, then order it online if its something that works for me. ( the same store, is cheaper online, but at least at the store I can read through it a bit and see if it works, rather than pay for it and find its not exactly what I need ).

If you ( or anyone ) have anymore recommendations, I sure would appreciate them. I'm asking my therapist for recommendations too, unfortunately he has been on holidays for 3wks

and I missed my last session with him as it was during the time I was at my moms dealing with this.

I don't know how to prep myself for Sept. 11th..... its just a small service at the cemetary at 3, then meet at the legion at 4. So I'll be surrounded by all these ppl who hurt me, and not sure how I'll deal with it. BUT, the difference this time is that I will have MY family, husband and kids with me instead of being alone...I'm sure that will help some.

Thanks to those who continue to read this thread, I do so appreciate it, and value all posts. Thank you very much

 

[-_aj_-]

Originally Posted by LDG

Oh Chris................................

I can't post as many hugs as I'm sending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im just sorry i cant help anymore

 

[ladyhitchhiker]

I remember after we had the viewing of my father we all went home, my sisters, their husbands, my husband, my brother, my mom.. and Hans - my sister Aimee's husband - was looking around the house where my father died and we had all grown up in, saying, "well we can really redo the cabinets, and fix up the walkway so it's all one set piece before we sell it." He's TALKING ABOUT REDOING THE PLACE AND SELLING IT WHEN DAD'S BODY IS BARELY COLD AND HASN'T BEEN CREMATED YET?!?!?!?!? Then he turned around and badgered me about when I was going to have kids. Okay, maybe death turns him on and makes him want to have more kids, but it certainly wasn't in my thoughts at the time. I just wanted to be able to keep breathing. Keep breathing.

Or when we lost my step-daughter to meningitis, people would tell me, "well she wasn't really your daughter so why should it matter?" or "The only way you'll get over her is to have another kid", like she's replaceable like a pair of pants?!?!?

Seriously, sometimes, in grief, people just don't think. They forget important things and other people's important feelings or hold grudges, or they think they're saying something comforting when they're saying exactly the opposite and just being morons like they usually are. If in normal conversation, you are a moron, then don't talk to me when I'm grieving, I want to tell them...

Sorry, not to imply that all people are morons, but a lot of them are. And that's because they're too lazy or too uncaring to truly find out a nice way of helping someone else out their time of grief. That's the kind of stupidity I can't tolerate. Just because someone's too lazy or uncaring. Bleh...

But as with your family, I'm sure they're in shock too. They're overwhelmed and don't have to deal with things. Just take the comfort in your husband and your children right now, because right now, unfortunately, the rest of your family is probably hurting so much right now that they can't support themselves, let alone be supportive of you. It's probably not out of spite, just out of pain. Then as things settle, and perhaps some peace comes to them, hopefully they will come to their senses.

Sorry so long... just a lot of triggers, like you warned me. *hugs*

Remember, just keep breathing... just keep breathing...