Chris, you'll deal with it because you have no other choice. Regardless of what anyone else has said or done, this was your Dad and you loved him. Having your family with you will be a tremendous help. And please, remember that all of us will be with you in spirit. I wish I could actually offer you a shoulder to lean on. You'll get thru it, and as time goes on it will get easier.
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My Week from he** July 15-23rd.Very sensitive topic (trigger for some). Long and sad.
- Thread starter snake_lady
- Start Date
I am so sorry and don't know exactly what to say, but do have experience with being lashed out on by my mother. I've lived with her my entire life and still at the age of 28, do (due to my father leaving half the house to me) We've learned each others buttons, and she lashed out at me a lot when I was a child. A LOT.
When she does it now, or apologizes in such a way that makes me want to point out it wasn't an apology at all (or just plain poke her in the eye), I just try to remember that, this is the way she is, and it is usually stress that makes her act this way. It's been a long time doing it, but I've finally come to a point where I can ignore certain things, because that's the way she is, things come out the wrong way and she doesn't realize it sounds so badly, etc. I find apologizing for upsetting her regardless of the situation, immediately as it comes up, usually calms the entire situation down right then, and she frowns and apologizes for snapping and we go about our day. But not everyone is the same.
I am just so sorry that all of those horrible, awful things had to happen to you, and then to have them happen one after another, I cannot imagine. Thinking of you and yours
When she does it now, or apologizes in such a way that makes me want to point out it wasn't an apology at all (or just plain poke her in the eye), I just try to remember that, this is the way she is, and it is usually stress that makes her act this way. It's been a long time doing it, but I've finally come to a point where I can ignore certain things, because that's the way she is, things come out the wrong way and she doesn't realize it sounds so badly, etc. I find apologizing for upsetting her regardless of the situation, immediately as it comes up, usually calms the entire situation down right then, and she frowns and apologizes for snapping and we go about our day. But not everyone is the same.
I am just so sorry that all of those horrible, awful things had to happen to you, and then to have them happen one after another, I cannot imagine. Thinking of you and yours
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #63
The short of this post is:
My Dad came home today, and is resting with his own father and a brother that predeceased him.
My mom is doing very well, though she is having issues with leaving him here, and no longer having him with her. But she is going back tomorrow, and starts a new job. This is great for her, she's continuing to fight, and she is one of the strongest women I know.
She did apologise to me over the last month or so, and no matter what, I was going to let it go for today.
My sister, who is 22 and just had her first baby, a daughter, 3 days after his death....is not doing so well. For the most part she is ok, but it is a huge blow for her. In his right mind, Dad was soooooooooo looking forward to her having the baby...She went over her due date bu a few days. Dad died on July 15, and Addy came into the world on the 18th.
I spent the time with my sister, holding her as she broke down. My husband held our kids. My mom was on the other side of me taking care of my brothers.
I had to reach out to my sister. I KNOW how she felt....her spouse could not come, so she was alone....Like I was when I went there. Its hard when your partner is not there. Again, I chose to look after others rather than myself, but this time it was a concious choice. My husband stood behind me.
My hubbys parents, and an aunt/uncle came as well. I was so glad for that. They are amazing ppl. (These would be the ppl that my mom accused me of loving more than her and RIP Dad..... yet they came because they had met him, cared, and wanted to support my mom)
The Minister was wonderful. He explained what happened so great...so understandable and made it clear that my father was not in his right mind, and should not be judged for commiting suicide.
It went well, up untill bout 6pm. Then my brother who spazzed on me when I was at my moms, did it again
I just, I can't fatholm it. I did nothing to deserve his rudeness and anger. I find it incredibly heartless that he could not respect the man who raised us enough to keep his temper under control.
I did. I didn't say a darn thing to him after he snarled a sarcastic, angry remark at me and pushed right past me when I was caring for my sister.
It broke my heart. My faith in humanity, in any chance of associating with the only sibling local, is gone. I didn't hold it high anyways, but this just drove the stake in soooooo deep.
I am just soooo thankfull that my husband, my children were there. Yes I supported my sister(s), mom, even my younger brothers...... this brother in question is the older one. I am beyond done with that side of the family. I had thought about giving them another chance, but after this BS, I am done.
My husband and I saw our therapist on umm Wed. and he asked how I was preparing for today....I said simply that I wasn't
He did understand it.
A friend once called me "compartmentalized". Its true....everything has its own compartment, and this one, is sitting on the shelf.
Even tho he was not in his right mind, I still cannot grasp how the man who chased me, stopped me from ending my life, could end his. Logically I get it, I truly do. I haven't even begun to accept that, Nor have I begun to deal with it.
The whole thing is on a shelf, and my therapist and I will deal with it as this is beyond my scope of what I can deal with.
Bottom line is: the service was excellent, the reception was good, a slideshow was played, his brother said a speach, and my daughter did as well.
It was soooo crowded. He wasn't from a huge town, but well known, loved, lots of relatives.
Anyone who had the honour of knowing him, was touched by him. He was truly one of the very few kind ppl left, the ones that would give a stranger a helping hand, give a loved one the shirt off his back, make everyone laugh, make everyone feel welcome. To know him was to love him.
RIP Daddy: November 16, 1961 - July 15, 2010
My Dad came home today, and is resting with his own father and a brother that predeceased him.
My mom is doing very well, though she is having issues with leaving him here, and no longer having him with her. But she is going back tomorrow, and starts a new job. This is great for her, she's continuing to fight, and she is one of the strongest women I know.
She did apologise to me over the last month or so, and no matter what, I was going to let it go for today.
My sister, who is 22 and just had her first baby, a daughter, 3 days after his death....is not doing so well. For the most part she is ok, but it is a huge blow for her. In his right mind, Dad was soooooooooo looking forward to her having the baby...She went over her due date bu a few days. Dad died on July 15, and Addy came into the world on the 18th.
I spent the time with my sister, holding her as she broke down. My husband held our kids. My mom was on the other side of me taking care of my brothers.
I had to reach out to my sister. I KNOW how she felt....her spouse could not come, so she was alone....Like I was when I went there. Its hard when your partner is not there. Again, I chose to look after others rather than myself, but this time it was a concious choice. My husband stood behind me.
My hubbys parents, and an aunt/uncle came as well. I was so glad for that. They are amazing ppl. (These would be the ppl that my mom accused me of loving more than her and RIP Dad..... yet they came because they had met him, cared, and wanted to support my mom)
The Minister was wonderful. He explained what happened so great...so understandable and made it clear that my father was not in his right mind, and should not be judged for commiting suicide.
It went well, up untill bout 6pm. Then my brother who spazzed on me when I was at my moms, did it again
I just, I can't fatholm it. I did nothing to deserve his rudeness and anger. I find it incredibly heartless that he could not respect the man who raised us enough to keep his temper under control.
I did. I didn't say a darn thing to him after he snarled a sarcastic, angry remark at me and pushed right past me when I was caring for my sister.
It broke my heart. My faith in humanity, in any chance of associating with the only sibling local, is gone. I didn't hold it high anyways, but this just drove the stake in soooooo deep.
I am just soooo thankfull that my husband, my children were there. Yes I supported my sister(s), mom, even my younger brothers...... this brother in question is the older one. I am beyond done with that side of the family. I had thought about giving them another chance, but after this BS, I am done.
My husband and I saw our therapist on umm Wed. and he asked how I was preparing for today....I said simply that I wasn't
A friend once called me "compartmentalized". Its true....everything has its own compartment, and this one, is sitting on the shelf.
Even tho he was not in his right mind, I still cannot grasp how the man who chased me, stopped me from ending my life, could end his. Logically I get it, I truly do. I haven't even begun to accept that, Nor have I begun to deal with it.
The whole thing is on a shelf, and my therapist and I will deal with it as this is beyond my scope of what I can deal with.
Bottom line is: the service was excellent, the reception was good, a slideshow was played, his brother said a speach, and my daughter did as well.
It was soooo crowded. He wasn't from a huge town, but well known, loved, lots of relatives.
Anyone who had the honour of knowing him, was touched by him. He was truly one of the very few kind ppl left, the ones that would give a stranger a helping hand, give a loved one the shirt off his back, make everyone laugh, make everyone feel welcome. To know him was to love him.
RIP Daddy: November 16, 1961 - July 15, 2010
Chris, I applaud you for dealing so well with all htis when you must be breaking inside. I know it helps that you do have family who support you, and whom you support, but it must be so difficult. I can only say welldone.
I think it is wonderful that so many people came to say good bye to your Dad. it will leave you with some really good memories and feelings about him to know he was loved and respected on a wide level.
I think it is wonderful that so many people came to say good bye to your Dad. it will leave you with some really good memories and feelings about him to know he was loved and respected on a wide level.
I wish i had half of your strength Chirs
Chris, as my dear Dad would have said 'you handled it like a lady.'
You were so lucky to have a Dad like that; it's obvious that you adored him. Family can be so stupid, so cruel sometimes. All you can do is wait for your brother to get his head out of his rear end. If that day comes and you can mend fences, great. If not, it's his loss.
I don't think you ever get over the loss of a beloved parent. It's been 17 years for me, and I still grieve for my own Dad. The pain will lessen, but that little piece of your heart never really heals.
It sounds as if you were a rock for your sister (been there, done that, too). You're much stronger than you realize.
Please take care of yourself and never lose sight of the fact that your Dad loved you and wouldn't want you to be in pain.
You were so lucky to have a Dad like that; it's obvious that you adored him. Family can be so stupid, so cruel sometimes. All you can do is wait for your brother to get his head out of his rear end. If that day comes and you can mend fences, great. If not, it's his loss.
I don't think you ever get over the loss of a beloved parent. It's been 17 years for me, and I still grieve for my own Dad. The pain will lessen, but that little piece of your heart never really heals.
It sounds as if you were a rock for your sister (been there, done that, too). You're much stronger than you realize.
Please take care of yourself and never lose sight of the fact that your Dad loved you and wouldn't want you to be in pain.
Oh Chris
You are such a strong woman.
It's very heartbreaking the whole bit about your sister and the baby
Hang in there.
It's very heartbreaking the whole bit about your sister and the baby
Hang in there.
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Chris, since I last posted in this thread, I lost a 43 year old friend to suicide and another friend just the night before last to brain cancer. They were both far too young, and they were both back in Massachusetts, and I wasn't able to go say goodbye to either of them.
I compartmentalize, too, and truly, it's a coping skill that NOT enough people possess. It sure as heck isn't a negative.
Sending you
and understanding. Your brother is an *ss and the heck with him. Surround yourself with people that treat you right, and forget those that don't. Kin or not, they are not worth your energy. But YOU ARE.
Hang in there, woman. It sounds to me like the healing has begun for you, and that you are going to be ok. Take babysteps if you need to, but you're dealing with it the right way, IMO. If I can be here for you in any way, just let me know.
I compartmentalize, too, and truly, it's a coping skill that NOT enough people possess. It sure as heck isn't a negative.
Sending you
Hang in there, woman. It sounds to me like the healing has begun for you, and that you are going to be ok. Take babysteps if you need to, but you're dealing with it the right way, IMO. If I can be here for you in any way, just let me know.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #70
So this is horribly hard, even just to write.
I know I'm not the only one to have lost a father this year, and Sabrina my thoughts are with you
Since I last posted, I'm still compartmentalizing this. I can't deal with it. How the heck can someone come to terms with it I don't know. I had another severe issue arise on Aug.31 that few know about, but that issue has been the one on the front burner.....all I'm going to say was it was just as shocking and devastating as finding out my dad's suicide tho it was not a death in that sense of the word.
My family has been awful. My sister I mentioned previously, told me shortly after the service that I had no right to be upset about Dad's death since he wasn't my blood father and a bunch of other very hurtful things. I did not point out that he had been my father longer than he had been hers and she is blood. I was in too much shock over the venom spewing for her mouth. What started it was the way my brother treated me and me being hurt by it (apparantly he's a saint and I have no right to be hurt).
I have not talked to any of them aside from my mom who only cares about the younger kids, and she's quite happy that her younger kids are there together for Christmas.
There's always been a distinct line between the 5 younger kids, and me and my older brother. When my mom says "the kids" she means the 5 younger ones, me and my brother are added to the sentence by name.
My mom sent me a facebook message saying Merry Christmas and Happy New Year early this week. I replied and tried to talk to her, but she is of the "sweep it under the rug" mentality when it comes to family squabbles, and as I said, she's focused of the 5 younger kids and my sisters daughter.
I am happy that she has people there for her, that the baby occupies her mind a lot, and that she's doing fairly well considering she lost her partner of 20-whatever years.
I've been thinking, and I might actually go visit his grave tomorrow. I don't know yet. It's not too far from my home. I don't know even if cemetaries open their gates on Christmas.
Last year was technically my first Christmas without him (and my mom) as they moved out west summer of 2009. But he dressed up and held up a sign saying Merry Christmas Ontario, and posted a pic of that on facebook last year.....plus I talked on the phone with him.
This year....... I won't hear his voice, and I miss that.
My kids won't talk to their Grampa.
I know I'm not the only one to have lost a father this year, and Sabrina my thoughts are with you
Since I last posted, I'm still compartmentalizing this. I can't deal with it. How the heck can someone come to terms with it I don't know. I had another severe issue arise on Aug.31 that few know about, but that issue has been the one on the front burner.....all I'm going to say was it was just as shocking and devastating as finding out my dad's suicide tho it was not a death in that sense of the word.
My family has been awful. My sister I mentioned previously, told me shortly after the service that I had no right to be upset about Dad's death since he wasn't my blood father and a bunch of other very hurtful things. I did not point out that he had been my father longer than he had been hers and she is blood. I was in too much shock over the venom spewing for her mouth. What started it was the way my brother treated me and me being hurt by it (apparantly he's a saint and I have no right to be hurt).
I have not talked to any of them aside from my mom who only cares about the younger kids, and she's quite happy that her younger kids are there together for Christmas.
There's always been a distinct line between the 5 younger kids, and me and my older brother. When my mom says "the kids" she means the 5 younger ones, me and my brother are added to the sentence by name.
My mom sent me a facebook message saying Merry Christmas and Happy New Year early this week. I replied and tried to talk to her, but she is of the "sweep it under the rug" mentality when it comes to family squabbles, and as I said, she's focused of the 5 younger kids and my sisters daughter.
I am happy that she has people there for her, that the baby occupies her mind a lot, and that she's doing fairly well considering she lost her partner of 20-whatever years.
I've been thinking, and I might actually go visit his grave tomorrow. I don't know yet. It's not too far from my home. I don't know even if cemetaries open their gates on Christmas.
Last year was technically my first Christmas without him (and my mom) as they moved out west summer of 2009. But he dressed up and held up a sign saying Merry Christmas Ontario, and posted a pic of that on facebook last year.....plus I talked on the phone with him.
This year....... I won't hear his voice, and I miss that.
My kids won't talk to their Grampa.
I'm so sorry your family has been so terrible and hurtful to you about this. All I can really do is offer many many
and lend an ear.
Yes, Chris, cemeteries do open their gates on Christmas---for people like you and me. The year we lost him, I visited my Dad's grave 4 times the week before Christmas. I talked to him, I cried, and I felt better afterwards. By all means, visit your Dad's grave; it will do you a world of good.
As for your extended family---it's their problem. I know how hurtful and selfish family can be (I've had a bit of drama myself this year
), but you can't let it ruin your time with YOUR family. In time you may be able to forgive them. If you can't, then you need to put them behind you and focus on the people who love you unconditionally. Family problems seem so much bigger this time of year, don't they? I wish I could make it easier for you.
Sending you a big Christmas (((hug))).
As for your extended family---it's their problem. I know how hurtful and selfish family can be (I've had a bit of drama myself this year
Sending you a big Christmas (((hug))).
awww hun im so sorry, your such a strong woman!! Im so sorry about it all but you know that already im always here be it by email text or phone or once my lottery comes up by plane
my love to you mark and the girls hun
my love to you mark and the girls hun
Originally Posted by libby74
Yes, Chris, cemeteries do open their gates on Christmas---for people like you and me. The year we lost him, I visited my Dad's grave 4 times the week before Christmas. I talked to him, I cried, and I felt better afterwards. By all means, visit your Dad's grave; it will do you a world of good.
As for your extended family---it's their problem. I know how hurtful and selfish family can be (I've had a bit of drama myself this year), but you can't let it ruin your time with YOUR family. In time you may be able to forgive them. If you can't, then you need to put them behind you and focus on the people who love you unconditionally. Family problems seem so much bigger this time of year, don't they? I wish I could make it easier for you.
Sending you a big Christmas (((hug))).
Maybe you should go as a family to visit your Dad to say Merry Christmas? You could make it part of your Christmas tradition.
I'm just so sorry families can be so cruel.
