My Sweet Flapjack Is Gone Now

[SweetiePie1]

FlapJack's Mom, I am soooo proud of you! So strong. The only reason he didn't want to go was because of how wonderful you made his life. What a gift you have given. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I think a good, solid cry is absolutely in order. And then we pick up the pieces and move forward but never forget!

 

[di and bob]

May God bless youy both, my heart cries for your pain......

 

[Flapjack's Mom]

I think I've made myself get a chest cold from all the crying fits
My chest hurts (especially above my right breast) with any sort of movement. It hurts to even cry, but tears still come out. I cried myself to sleep last night because I don't have my sleeping buddy with me anymore.
Everytime I look at all the medications, supplements, and needles I get angry . Because I feel like it was all for nothing, I was REALLY hoping he would make it to his 2nd birthday.

 

[danteshuman]

It wasn’t for nothing. It was for those few precious extra days you got. They were you trying to save him and him giving you time to say goodbye. I’m sorry he didn’t live to a ripe old age! Heck, if I got to choose cats would live as long as we do.

I know you want him back and are angry/upset. I wish could take your pain away!

 

[di and bob]

It helps to make something good out of all that bad. Donate those extra needles, medications, etc. to someone who needs them. Call your vet, your local shelter, or a local TNR chapter. I paid for our shelter's longest resident cat's adoption in my angel's name. Somehow seeing something good come out of bad helps.
It's a losing battle for me NOT to cry, even 7 years later if I let my mind wander back to that last day. I laid in bed this morning and thought back to all the little graves we have dug over the last ten years,I remember vividly every single one of them. It brings such pain I got up early to distract myself. Physical pain, such as your chest, and the feeling of a cold, can come from mental and spiritual pain. I'm sure you are using muscles you have never used before with the sobbing. all I can comfort you with I that it does get better, but it takes time, and lots of it. You will never get over it, you learn to live with it. You gave that precious boy what he wanted most in life, your love, and he is at peace with that in his heart. To be remembered and loved is the greatest gift of all......

 

[Leomc123]

i know how it feels when you mention looking at the medications, its the same way i feel when i went to the vet for answers and spent money for xrays, pain meds etc which all didnt show anything and time to get hardly any information as to how to help Leo and mc. All the trips making them stressed out to come back with little to no information except to have a cat suffering and less money in my pocket which i should have used to see another vet. It makes me angry and i know it wasnt all for nothing because i did my best with what i had.

 

[Rhall]

I am so sorry. The absolute hardest thing of pet ownership. They are family and you want to do all you can for them and you did. Hugs

 

[di and bob]

All anyone can do is to do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes all the money in the world won't help any better, won't change the outcome. Part of grieving is looking back and hurting because we didn't do this or that. Our minds always think of different appraoches when we are not so filled with anxiety and horror. Even the quietest, most peaceful deaths bring regret and wanting to change something. It is a part of being human........

 

[Flapjack's Mom]

I want my son back. I've been calling the crematory services that the clinic had been set up with often to make sure everything is in order and STRESSING that I want a private cremation for him. Not seperated-private. By himself.Only him in the chamber. Turns out the staff that does the pick ups for the cremation hasn't even picked up Flapjack yet.
I knew I should've taken him, myself to the crematory. It would've given me some extra time to hold him even though my boyfriend doesn't think that's a good idea.
I'm also getting a cuddle clones of him with a zipper pocket so I can place some of his ashes, fur, and whiskers inside. The status says "final touches" I'm honestly worried that they'll make him look like a generic tabby some of their plushies are hit and miss IMO.

 

[danteshuman]

Nothing can replace your son; he was to special and unique!

I never would have sought a kitten after my Bud Dante died. However some of the best advice I got was to talk to Dante as I pet or held another case (in my case a foster fail named Jackie.) I like to think my Bud passed the punk torch to my LittleDude Jackie. My avatar pic is of them together.

Perhaps in a month or two you can foster a cat or kittens so you can love on someone alive ...... but not have to commit to a lifelong relationship.

The thing I treasure most is not his ashes but his pawprint on a plaque with his name on it, the vet made for me. Since your son has not been delivered to his funeral home yet perhaps you or the vet could do something similar? Or a paw print in clay that you can later frame? If he hadn’t been cremated yet you could beg the vet to let you burry him (they have health/safety rules, so the vet may say no.) Or perhaps you could be there for his cremation (maybe bribe them) just to put your mind at ease? Besides memorial jewelry, you can have his ashes turned into a diamond.

I strongly believe our bodies are just the container for our souls.

 

[di and bob]

The cuddle clone will seem generic, just as his body did when his 'essence' left. But that precious spirit will be with you always, and all you need is to hold that clone tight, call him, and talk to him. He will be there, forever as close as your thoughts and prayers......

 

[cefacat]

I'm not entirely sure where to put this, so forgive me in advance.

I think it's time to let Flapjack go. He's fighting throughout his renal failure and FELV for 4 months. Just recently (last Friday) I took him to the vet because I noticed his chest was having this exaggerated, abdominal movements as he breathed and when I held him up to my ear his chest had a weird whooshing, fluidity sound.
Sure enough my worst fears were confirmed, he had fluid buildup in his chest ,so much to the point that his lungs were pushed up against his spine because he was trying to breathe. The doctor said it's most likely could be tumors caused by the Leukemia and has offered to remove some of the fluid to help him feel better. I took the offer and the doc had removed 5 vials worth of mucousy looking fluid. And he warned me that the fluid build up would be a continous thing and just to make him comfortable and give him meds called 'lasix' to ease the fluid amount.

That's when I was considering letting him go the following Saturday. But when we brought him home he went straight for his wet food and started gobbling it up. Which made me confused because it's like Flapjack doesn't wanna go. He's still eating, drinking, and using the litter box just fine. He even cuddled with me during the A.M. hours. So now I'm thinking "OK, he's not ready yet. He'll let me know when it's time." And I've kept him around for the weekend to see how he faired, and he did.

Sunday, I've noticed him acting off... he was moving slowly and his pupils were huge like he was terrified. My heart sunk as I did a little eye test on him, and he didn't react as he normally would. My boy has gone blind. Basically over the weekend. Took him to the vet yesterday (Monday) and they confirmed that he has gone blind, I wanted them to check his blood pressure since hypertension is common in CRF cats and it can cause blindness. I wanted to see if I could get meds to help the blood pressure and hopefully reverse the blindness, but Flapjack's heartbeat was to erratic for the vet tech to get a proper reading.

It hit me that day that my cat is rapidly deteriorating. Ofc cats can adapt to being blind, but I can sense that he's not happy. He doesn't even wanna play with toys that jingle or rattle anymore. He can't watch the birds, squirrels, and lizards on his kitty sill no longer. He still eats, but he doesn't lick his bowl clean like he used to. He still drinks and use the litter box just fine. He huddles up and lies in his cubby hole. He doesn't want to eat temptations treats anymore...that was his kitty-crack.

Part of me honestly feels that he's hanging on for me. Like he senses that I need him. And I do. But the other part of me knows it's selfish to keep him around in his condition just for my own happiness. He still responds and cuddles with me after all. And I always tell him that if he needs to go, then go. But he doesn't. It's torture on both sides. I want him to be happy and this isn't it. He wants me to be happy it seems by doing minimally what he can to show me he's still have some life in him (if that makes sense)

I'm was planning to let him go Saturday, but idk...

 

[Flapjack's Mom]

My boy was in my dream last night, I was holding him and he was purring. He never had a deep, throaty purr. It's one of those purrs where you have to place your fingers underneath the chin to feel for.
My boyfriend said he would find me no matter
where I'm at because we're so intertwined . I'm glad he did.
I felt sorry today. Sorry that I couldn't help him any longer. I donated all of the unused medical supplies and renal food to my vet today and got a copy of his medical records to remind myself we fought damn hard.

 

[di and bob]

It's so hard those first few days. Thoughts of him will consume you, and they are usually not happy ones, it is a part of grieving. Of course your sweet boy will find you, he is linked to your very soul through love. He will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers......