My one week old neonatal kitten died and I know it's my fault. My heart is breaking.

[SSLangford0529]

A week ago I found 5 kittens, that looked to be about a day old, in an abandoned house in Virginia. Momma cat was nowhere in sight but I thought she may have gotten spooked and ran off. Surely she will be back. So I left them there. The weather dropped to freezing overnight, so the next morning I quietly went to check on them to be sure Mom came back but she had not and they were frozen. I felt so horrible! I scooped them up and brought them home, placed in front of a heater and to my surprise 2 of them woke up. I put them in a baby crib with an electric blanket and a regular blanket. Gave them eye droppers of water to hydrate and bought kitten formula and a bottle. I nursed and cared for them day and night. Sadly one of them passed after 2 days but the other was really pulling through. Eating well, moving well and going to the bathroom with my help.

I had to go back to Florida a few days later and took her with me. All the way home I kept her in my sweater, feeding her along the way, she was really thriving. When I arrived home, the weather was significantly warmer. I put her in a pet carrier with a blanket. I considered using the electric blanket but was concerned it was too warm here for that. (First mistake.) She was fine all day, crawling and energetic. I decided to leave her in the carrier but covered the carrier with another blanket overnight. She woke up at 2am for feeding, and I noticed her fur felt cool. I went to find the electric blanket but could not find the cord anywhere. However, she sucked down her bottle and I put her on my chest for a while still thinking it may be too warm for an electric blanket anyway. I put her back in the crate wrapped in the blanket. (Big time 2nd mistake.) I woke up to her squeaking around 7am and noticed she was very lethargic and cool again. I went into panic mode trying to warm her, both on me and in front of a heater. I then went to look for the cord for the blanket and, of course, I found it in 2 seconds. (UGH!) I put her in the blanket, massaging her but she kept fading out and she passed away. I noticed a pink color on her toes and around her mouth and I think I may have warmed her too fast. I also think I stressed her out with all the movement around.

Either way, I am beside myself with grief. I killed her while trying to save her. I should have just let her warm up on her own like the first time. I feel so stupid and ashamed and I should have known better. I used poor judgment not using the electric blanket from the start or at the very least, at the 2am feeding. Why didn't I take the 2 seconds to find the cord? Why didn't I just set her up here the way she was in Virginia??? I just can't believe my recklessness. I worked on her so diligently for almost a week and she was doing great, so obviously I knew better and knew what to do. So why did I change things? Did I take for granted that she was doing ok? She depended on me and I let her down. She had such a fighting chance and I KNOW she would have made it if I would have just thought things through. What is wrong with me? I had already dealt with the guilt of not checking on the kittens before they froze. And the guilt of the first one that passed because I thought I overfed him and he may have asphyxiated since it looked like he couldn't breathe. But this one really hurts because she didn't have to die. But she did die at my hands. This is going to haunt me forever and I can't forgive myself for this. I can't stop crying.

 

[Caspers Human]

When I was a kid, my father bred hunting dogs. We had a litter of puppies in our basement almost every season for as far back as I can remember.

No matter how well we took care of the mother and her pups, there was almost always one or two that didn't make it. I remember a couple of pups (from different litters) that had to be tube fed because they wouldn't eat on their own. We eventually did nurse one back to health but the other didn't survive. The vet said it was "Failure to Thrive." Basically, it was just to weak to keep living.

The same goes for kittens. Some kittens just fail to thrive and there isn't much of anything that anybody can do.

I'm sure that you took the best care of the kittens that you knew how. I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly but sometimes kittens just die. There probably wasn't thing one you could have done about it.

It's really sad when kittens die. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I know it doesn't feel very nice. However, you have the rest of the litter to take care of and that's where you should focus your energy.

Just do your best and don't worry if you don't "know everything." Do what you know. Ask questions, here, on this forum and we'll all help you the best we can. It would be wise if you could take the kittens to the vet to have them looked over.

Also... Remember one more thing. If you hadn't found those kittens when you did, all of them would probably be dead, by now.

Every kitten that survives is because you saved them. You should count every kitten that lives to grow up and find a good home as a win for yourself.

 

[SSLangford0529]

Unfortunately, she was the sole survivor. The other 4 kittens had passed the first day. That's what makes this so hard. She was the strongest and she was surviving until I used poor judgment that proved to be fatal for her. It would have been a very simple thing for me to have just kept her warm in the electric blanket and taken the few minutes to set that up. But I didn't. And I really regret it. But I do thank you for your kind words of support.

 

[fionasmom]

Day old kittens present an almost insurmountable risk. It is very standard advice to leave them to see if the mother comes back, so you were not wrong in attempting that. Had you taken them all in immediately, there may not have been a different outcome. Please don’t blame yourself as you did everything that you could for the remaining kitten.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Tiny Soul, dream you deep. Your precious pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Oh, my Very Dear, I am so sorry. However, this was a motherless, day old kitten when you found her. And they are incredibly fragile at that age, without a mama. I am going to bet that something other than temperature was the culprit here, and that her cooler temp was a symptom of that, rather than a "thing" in and of itself. What matters, in the end, is that you did everything you possibly could for this baby, and that she fought right alongside you. She was yours, and you were hers, in every way, and she took that with her to That Place Where All Things Are Known. She entered That Place knowing that she was Somebody's Cat. Now, from That Place, she blesses you for your love, for your trying, for your willingness, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[Furballsmom]

She entered That Place knowing that she was Somebody's Cat. Now, from That Place, she blesses you for your love, for your trying, for your willingness, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days.

This, over and over, and again and again for your heart and soul to heal.

 

[Meowmee]

So very sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs

I know this is something you’re probably gonna play out in your heart and your head forever.

I think you did everything and what you thought was best at the time. Even if you had taken all of the kittens right away, they still could have died without the mother at that age.

I see this happening a lot with kittens without their mom, very young kittens, on Instagram, with people who try to save them. And a lot of them do pass away even though they did every possible thing they could do. They had the kitten incubators and everything possible, and the kittens still passed away, which is so heartbreaking and tragic.

I’m very sorry for your pain, nothing makes it less painful, and I understand on some level what you’re going through here.

 

[di and bob]

I am so very sorry for your loss, and your guilt, which always seems to come along when we lose something precious. I can tell you from 60 years experience with having cats die, that sometimes, and it happens more than I would like to think, we lose them no matter what we do. Or don't do. I have had cats die that I tried so hard on, and I can tell you too that the guilt you feel when the hindsight comes and we feel that we missed something, or didn't do something, is always present and it is something that fades over the years but never goes away. you learn to deal with the sadness and guilt, by focusing on those you DID save, and remembering that you did what you could at the time with what you had. These bad experiences seem to overshadow the good very quickly and strongly. These bad experiences we have want to make us give up, make us feel we failed, until we see the next little one needing our help.......I want you to remember one thing, not ONE of us is perfect. Not one of us can say we saved every little soul that was entrusted to us. I know there were so many times over my life that I wanted to give up, to say it wasn't worth it. My husband tells me all the time, "You can't save them all!" But we want to, and later, when we see our mistakes in hindsight, that is what hurts.
In my experiences, a litter that is abandoned, and especially one that you don't know for how long, or what the circumstances were, was abandoned by instinct or because it was not meant to be. There may have been something seriously wrong with those kittens, either through disease or genetics. But they knew you tried. They knew they had you helping them, caring for and concerned for them. And that was everything to them. They will not be forgotten, for a few short minutes they had someone who cared. They will be at peace.......
I will pray for you and those little angels. Thanks to you now they will have many thinking of them, concerned for them. Grieve for a while, it is only right. Know we are all here for you, having stood in those same shoes. The world will go on, and with the new dawn comes hope, and a fresh day to perhaps make a difference in another little soul's life, or death. Don't give up, you are too needed in this sad world. You do make a difference, no matter what the outcome. The ones you do save are the most precious rewards we have in this life. It IS worth it; even the smallest chance of life is worth it........RIP precious tiny girl. (and littermates) You will always be remembered, you will alway have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[SSLangford0529]

I am so very sorry for your loss, and your guilt, which always seems to come along when we lose something precious. I can tell you from 60 years experience with having cats die, that sometimes, and it happens more than I would like to think, we lose them no matter what we do. Or don't do. I have had cats die that I tried so hard on, and I can tell you too that the guilt you feel when the hindsight comes and we feel that we missed something, or didn't do something, is always present and it is something that fades over the years but never goes away. you learn to deal with the sadness and guilt, by focusing on those you DID save, and remembering that you did what you could at the time with what you had. These bad experiences seem to overshadow the good very quickly and strongly. These bad experiences we have want to make us give up, make us feel we failed, until we see the next little one needing our help.......I want you to remember one thing, not ONE of us is perfect. Not one of us can say we saved every little soul that was entrusted to us. I know there were so many times over my life that I wanted to give up, to say it wasn't worth it. My husband tells me all the time, "You can't save them all!" But we want to, and later, when we see our mistakes in hindsight, that is what hurts.
In my experiences, a litter that is abandoned, and especially one that you don't know for how long, or what the circumstances were, was abandoned by instinct or because it was not meant to be. There may have been something seriously wrong with those kittens, either through disease or genetics. But they knew you tried. They knew they had you helping them, caring for and concerned for them. And that was everything to them. They will not be forgotten, for a few short minutes they had someone who cared. They will be at peace.......
I will pray for you and those little angels. Thanks to you now they will have many thinking of them, concerned for them. Grieve for a while, it is only right. Know we are all here for you, having stood in those same shoes. The world will go on, and with the new dawn comes hope, and a fresh day to perhaps make a difference in another little soul's life, or death. Don't give up, you are too needed in this sad world. You do make a difference, no matter what the outcome. The ones you do save are the most precious rewards we have in this life. It IS worth it; even the smallest chance of life is worth it........RIP precious tiny girl. (and littermates) You will always be remembered, you will alway have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

Thank you so much for this. It's so hard for some people to truly understand how this feels, but I can tell that you know exactly how I'm feeling. Your words have meant a lot to me and I will keep them with me as I process this incredible grief. Thank you again and for all that you do for those sweet little souls.

 

[SSLangford0529]

So very sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs

I know this is something you’re probably gonna play out in your heart and your head forever.

I think you did everything and what you thought was best at the time. Even if you had taken all of the kittens right away, they still could have died without the mother at that age.

I see this happening a lot with kittens without their mom, very young kittens, on Instagram, with people who try to save them. And a lot of them do pass away even though they did every possible thing they could do. They had the kitten incubators and everything possible, and the kittens still passed away, which is so heartbreaking and tragic.

I’m very sorry for your pain, nothing makes it less painful, and I understand on some level what you’re going through here.

Yes, it is like a replay over and over with new scenarios of what I could have done. Ugh...I'm driving myself crazy. Thank you so much for your support. There's not a lot of people around me that understand like you and others in forum do.

 

[SSLangford0529]

Rest you gentle, Tiny Soul, dream you deep. Your precious pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Oh, my Very Dear, I am so sorry. However, this was a motherless, day old kitten when you found her. And they are incredibly fragile at that age, without a mama. I am going to bet that something other than temperature was the culprit here, and that her cooler temp was a symptom of that, rather than a "thing" in and of itself. What matters, in the end, is that you did everything you possibly could for this baby, and that she fought right alongside you. She was yours, and you were hers, in every way, and she took that with her to That Place Where All Things Are Known. She entered That Place knowing that she was Somebody's Cat. Now, from That Place, she blesses you for your love, for your trying, for your willingness, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

Thank you so much. Those words are so special and I will keep them with me. I really appreciate your kind support.

 

[SSLangford0529]

Day old kittens present an almost insurmountable risk. It is very standard advice to leave them to see if the mother comes back, so you were not wrong in attempting that. Had you taken them all in immediately, there may not have been a different outcome. Please don’t blame yourself as you did everything that you could for the remaining kitten.

Thank you...I know you are probably right but it's just so hard wondering what could have been. I really appreciate your kind support for me.

 

[di and bob]

I just wanted to come back and say, Thank you for caring! Thank you for trying, even though it hurts so bad when you lose. You will be blessed for your kindness..,,,,,

 

[Mptom72]

A week ago I found 5 kittens, that looked to be about a day old, in an abandoned house in Virginia. Momma cat was nowhere in sight but I thought she may have gotten spooked and ran off. Surely she will be back. So I left them there. The weather dropped to freezing overnight, so the next morning I quietly went to check on them to be sure Mom came back but she had not and they were frozen. I felt so horrible! I scooped them up and brought them home, placed in front of a heater and to my surprise 2 of them woke up. I put them in a baby crib with an electric blanket and a regular blanket. Gave them eye droppers of water to hydrate and bought kitten formula and a bottle. I nursed and cared for them day and night. Sadly one of them passed after 2 days but the other was really pulling through. Eating well, moving well and going to the bathroom with my help.

I had to go back to Florida a few days later and took her with me. All the way home I kept her in my sweater, feeding her along the way, she was really thriving. When I arrived home, the weather was significantly warmer. I put her in a pet carrier with a blanket. I considered using the electric blanket but was concerned it was too warm here for that. (First mistake.) She was fine all day, crawling and energetic. I decided to leave her in the carrier but covered the carrier with another blanket overnight. She woke up at 2am for feeding, and I noticed her fur felt cool. I went to find the electric blanket but could not find the cord anywhere. However, she sucked down her bottle and I put her on my chest for a while still thinking it may be too warm for an electric blanket anyway. I put her back in the crate wrapped in the blanket. (Big time 2nd mistake.) I woke up to her squeaking around 7am and noticed she was very lethargic and cool again. I went into panic mode trying to warm her, both on me and in front of a heater. I then went to look for the cord for the blanket and, of course, I found it in 2 seconds. (UGH!) I put her in the blanket, massaging her but she kept fading out and she passed away. I noticed a pink color on her toes and around her mouth and I think I may have warmed her too fast. I also think I stressed her out with all the movement around.

Either way, I am beside myself with grief. I killed her while trying to save her. I should have just let her warm up on her own like the first time. I feel so stupid and ashamed and I should have known better. I used poor judgment not using the electric blanket from the start or at the very least, at the 2am feeding. Why didn't I take the 2 seconds to find the cord? Why didn't I just set her up here the way she was in Virginia??? I just can't believe my recklessness. I worked on her so diligently for almost a week and she was doing great, so obviously I knew better and knew what to do. So why did I change things? Did I take for granted that she was doing ok? She depended on me and I let her down. She had such a fighting chance and I KNOW she would have made it if I would have just thought things through. What is wrong with me? I had already dealt with the guilt of not checking on the kittens before they froze. And the guilt of the first one that passed because I thought I overfed him and he may have asphyxiated since it looked like he couldn't breathe. But this one really hurts because she didn't have to die. But she did die at my hands. This is going to haunt me forever and I can't forgive myself for this. I can't stop crying.

Mother Nature sees directly into your loving compassionate heart my friend. That’s a precious one for her. While you feel guilty your divine creator already knows your heart did the best it knew. It is simply the law of nature!! Keep doing what you are doing and that’s all that matters!! Feeling crushed out of guilt is OK but realize when it’s beyond your powers and the ultimate power of nature KNOWS you did your best!!