My mom has cancer...

[terestrife]

Im  turning to this forum, as this is a place where i always go to when i need help, and have met many wonderful people here.

NOTE: this post is jumbled as my thoughts as a mess right now.

My mom (68 years old) is going through the hardest battle of her life. Just got sent home from the hospital, and was told she has stage 4 cancer. we are waiting for the biopsy report to see where it originates from. but they see tumors in the liver (almost the entire liver) and pancreas. i feel so lost, and devastated. my mom is the closest person to me. i have family and siblings i am close to, but they all have their own families. 

ive made a lot of mistakes in my life, im 30 years old, and i dont have a drivers license, and quit college a couple of years ago. Ive been making money by my brother paying me to take care of my niece. i know that makes me sound awful, ive been so lost all of my life. i want to be a stronger person for my mom and for myself. im the one caring for her during the day and night. my brother helps in the afternoons, and my sister will cover the day on weekends.

ive been desperately searching for information but everything is so contradictory. people saying to do chemo, to NOT do chemo (that its a death sentence). people saying that diet can cure you. i feel so confused and lost and feel like such a disappointment to my mom and to myself.

 

[margd]

I am so sorry to hear about your mom.  I remember like yesterday the day I got the news that mine had cancer.  If you are anything like me, your head and heart are just a mass of emotion, confusion and shock right now.   About the only positive aspect of it was that at least I had time to say goodbye.

Since you're going to be one of her main caregivers, this will give you a chance to grow very close to her and to resolve old baggage between the two of you.  It can be a very beautiful time, one that makes precious memories for you to remember in the years to come.   Try not to be so hard on yourself and just treasure the moments you have left with her.   This is going to be a very difficult and emotionally draining time, but at the same time there is something spiritually intense and beautiful in spending this time with our mothers.    This can provide a balance to the terrible pain from impending loss you feel.

 My heart goes out to you right now for what you are going through.  I know how confusing it is.  The medical aspect of it all is especially confusing - if you are worried about the recommended treatment, get a second opinion.  It's very hard to know what the best thing is with chemotherapy.    In my mother's case, I believe it shortened her life, but I have seen it give others years longer.  This is something you will have to decide based on your mother's physical condition and the cancer itself.  In the end, it is her choice and all you can really do is respect that.  

Try not to feel like such a disappointment to yourself and to your mom right now. I know that is easier said than done but being too hard on yourself can actually erode your strength at a time when you need it the most. Sure, there are things you could have done differently - that's true of everyone - but that's in the past.  All that really counts is the present and what you do from here on out.   It's a cliche but true.  You love your mom and she loves you.  Make this time count and I think you will find all those disappointments just drift away.

Sending you blessings.  

 

[oldgloryrags88]

My words probably won't mean much, but I just wanted to come on over and say I am so sorry for you and your mom. I wish I could give you some advice, but I really have no experience with this, so if this sounds stupid I'm sorry. I don't know you at all but treasure the good times, don't beat yourself up (cancer is awful but certainly not your fault). I cannot offer any advice, but I am certainly here if you need someone to talk to. (((Hugs))).

 

[louann jude]

It's amazing how young your parents are when faced with a situation like this. My Daddy found out at 54 and passed at 59 of Melanoma. What I learned from him during that last year was incredible.

My Daddy was human. He had hopes and dreams like me. He also had fears and regrets. He had a tremendous amount of faith and believed he was going to beat 'this'. She needs that right now. She needs hope. 

Your mom is an adult and can make the decision of treatment herself, your job is to support her decision. If she want's chemo and fight be there if she doesn't and want to live peaceably allow it. In the end it's her choice.

Forget the past, I know it's hard but what matters is now. Spend time with her laugh, joke, cry do it all. All she wants is you and your siblings. You are her babies it doesn't matter what you did before. All she wants to know is you love her.

I am sorry your going through this. Be there that is all you can really do.   

 

[Loving Mickey]

terestrife

My heart truly broke reading your post. I have much experience (too much) dealing with a loved one's cancer diagnosis. Sadly, there are times you are just not sure about treatment. Sometimes, the doctors can not even be sure. Every case is different. In regards to my Mom, her cancer returned after 5 years. At that time, doctors advised against chemo and did radiation only. First cancer she had, only did surgery. Doctors said she was terminal. She passed only 4 months later. Truly devastating! She was my world, still cry over the loss,5 years later.
My husband also diagnosed with cancer at the same time as Mom, stage 3, two huge tumors in his throat. Poor prognosis. He is very strong, though. He told doctors he wanted both chemo and radiation at the same time. He said he could handle it, and I respected that. Five years later, he is still here and doing well. Doctors call him a miracle, they didn't have much hope. I often wonder if the chemo would have helped my Mom. I will never know. The point is, you just never know. Doctors don't know either as every person and case is so different. You just never know the outcome. Chemo can help but it can also do other damage. My husband did have a stent implant a year after the chemo ended, as chemo is so strong and can damage your heart. You do need to be very strong in order to tolerate the chemo at all.
My prayers are with both you and your Mom, as I know how heartbreaking this all is. My heart goes out to you in having to deal with this sad diagnosis.
I only wish the best for you both. I am here for you, if you ever need to talk, or just need someone to listen. I felt very alone when I was dealing with the possibility of losing both my Mom and my husband. I would never want you to feel like I did!
Hugs to you and your Mom!

 

[verna davies]

This is a difficult thread to read for so many people who have and are going through what you are.
I have no experience in this area but can only say that make every day count. Be strong for her and just be there for her. Talk lots and try to make every day special.
My thoughts and good wishes are with you.

 

[Winchester]

I'm very sorry about your mom.I have no experience with cancer, but just want to wish your mother the best. I hope things go well for her.

 

[jcat]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis and can only offer virtual .

 

[terestrife]

thank you everyone, im sorry that im not responding to everyone personally. im trying to keep myself distracted, everytime i allow myself to think about this i just fall apart. im still hoping that this is a horrible nightmare that ill wake up from. =(

but all your responses meant a lot to me.

also, my heart goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one. all i can do is be strong, and hope for mom to live for as long as she can. my mom is very strong, and i will do my best to stand by her and help her fight this.

 

[terestrife]

i feel like im teetering between sadness and anger. suddenly seeing everyone caring and coming to see her. especially one of my brothers that was always too busy to come see her. it makes me so angry that they wait until something like this to invest so much love and attention on her. my siblings and i have always been close to my mom. but they were always busy with their own lives and would come by irregularly. they would use the excuse my mom has anger issues to not come by so much.

my oldest brother was like a father to me when i was younger, my dad was around, but not so much. but he got married, and had kids. now i rarely speak to him. just when i go to see him, or the rare times he shows up to our house. now all of the sudden he is worried about me and calling everyday. and it just feels fake. it feels fake that he suddenly cares and suddenly worries about me. suddenly he wants to be kind to our mom and buy her things and take care of her. dont get me wrong, im glad everyone is taking care of her. i KNOW in my heart they all love her. but i just feel so angry all of the sudden. 

i know being angry is not healthy, my mom and i are similar in that way. i feel angry at my dad for suddenly caring about my mom. after all the pain he has caused her and us.

my sister is religious and keeps telling my mom that if she believed god will save her. and im scared shell give my mom false hope. i believe in god and have faith, i just dont know the right way to handle this is. 

i feel so lost about what i will do if i lose her. All my siblings have their own families and lives. and i dont want to be a burden on them. my sister and one of my brothers told me im always welcome with them. but i cant bear to be a burden on anyone else. im so scared to be alone. i always thought that whatever may happened i would have my mom by my side. and i know its selfish and disgusting to think of myself. my mind is going in a million miles and i cant find any answers.

im sorry to be complaining here, i just dont want to burden my family with my thoughts. in real life im very private and would never share everything im thinking with my family. the only person i ever freely speak with is my mother, and i dont want to burden her anymore than i have. or to scare her, or put her down with my thoughts.

 

[louann jude]

 
i feel like im teetering between sadness and anger. suddenly seeing everyone caring and coming to see her. especially one of my brothers that was always too busy to come see her. it makes me so angry that they wait until something like this to invest so much love and attention on her. my siblings and i have always been close to my mom. but they were always busy with their own lives and would come by irregularly. they would use the excuse my mom has anger issues to not come by so much.

my oldest brother was like a father to me when i was younger, my dad was around, but not so much. but he got married, and had kids. now i rarely speak to him. just when i go to see him, or the rare times he shows up to our house. now all of the sudden he is worried about me and calling everyday. and it just feels fake. it feels fake that he suddenly cares and suddenly worries about me. suddenly he wants to be kind to our mom and buy her things and take care of her. dont get me wrong, im glad everyone is taking care of her. i KNOW in my heart they all love her. but i just feel so angry all of the sudden. 

i know being angry is not healthy, my mom and i are similar in that way. i feel angry at my dad for suddenly caring about my mom. after all the pain he has caused her and us.

my sister is religious and keeps telling my mom that if she believed god will save her. and im scared shell give my mom false hope. i believe in god and have faith, i just dont know the right way to handle this is. 

i feel so lost about what i will do if i lose her. All my siblings have their own families and lives. and i dont want to be a burden on them. my sister and one of my brothers told me im always welcome with them. but i cant bear to be a burden on anyone else. im so scared to be alone. i always thought that whatever may happened i would have my mom by my side. and i know its selfish and disgusting to think of myself. my mind is going in a million miles and i cant find any answers.

im sorry to be complaining here, i just dont want to burden my family with my thoughts. in real life im very private and would never share everything im thinking with my family. the only person i ever freely speak with is my mother, and i dont want to burden her anymore than i have. or to scare her, or put her down with my thoughts.

You know what it is completely ok for you to feel anger. It's actually normal. So is sadness, hope, shock, denial. You will feel many emotions right now and it will feel like a roller coaster. The thing is please don't keep it bottled up because if you do you will explode. I have seen families fall apart during these times because of not properly dealing with things. 

It is also easy to reflect your anger towards people that aren't even the problem. After my fiancee's dad died his sisters decided I was the scapegoat. I was called a ***** and one sister of his threatened to whip my ass. It was just the hurt talking and they needed someone to be angry with. 

I was mad at God when my dad died. I mean God could have healed him if he wanted to. I was upset he didn't. I was also mad at my sister. When my daddy was sick he would cry wondering why my sister wouldn't call him or come over. I still have times I get upset three years later. But that is when I look at the lessons that my dad taught me. 'You don't have to like a person but you have to love them. He would also tell me to pray for them. That was the biggest help ever it's hard to stay mad at someone that you are praying for. 

Don't let the anger still the time you have. Enjoy her and this time. It is really hard because of the fear. 

Have an open dialog with your family if you are the main care giver ask for help. It doesn't have to be often just getting out for me time a few hours a week helps a lot. 

And your sister may not be talking about this life. She may be talking about a personal relationship with God. To show her to be saved. Right now she is worried if your mom is eternally saved. I am not trying to press religious issues but that is what it sounds like to me. 

You know maybe some therapy may help. If you need to talk it's fine you can message me. I may not know what to say but just will listen or read. 

 

[AbbysMom]

I'm so sorry about your mother.

 

[terestrife]

 
You know what it is completely ok for you to feel anger. It's actually normal. So is sadness, hope, shock, denial. You will feel many emotions right now and it will feel like a roller coaster. The thing is please don't keep it bottled up because if you do you will explode. I have seen families fall apart during these times because of not properly dealing with things. 

It is also easy to reflect your anger towards people that aren't even the problem. After my fiancee's dad died his sisters decided I was the scapegoat. I was called a ***** and one sister of his threatened to whip my ass. It was just the hurt talking and they needed someone to be angry with. 

I was mad at God when my dad died. I mean God could have healed him if he wanted to. I was upset he didn't. I was also mad at my sister. When my daddy was sick he would cry wondering why my sister wouldn't call him or come over. I still have times I get upset three years later. But that is when I look at the lessons that my dad taught me. 'You don't have to like a person but you have to love them. He would also tell me to pray for them. That was the biggest help ever it's hard to stay mad at someone that you are praying for. 

Don't let the anger still the time you have. Enjoy her and this time. It is really hard because of the fear. 

Have an open dialog with your family if you are the main care giver ask for help. It doesn't have to be often just getting out for me time a few hours a week helps a lot. 

And your sister may not be talking about this life. She may be talking about a personal relationship with God. To show her to be saved. Right now she is worried if your mom is eternally saved. I am not trying to press religious issues but that is what it sounds like to me. 

You know maybe some therapy may help. If you need to talk it's fine you can message me. I may not know what to say but just will listen or read. 

sorry for not responding before now. its been a hectic few weeks. i read your post a few weeks ago, and ended up doing what you suggested i should  NOT do. keep things bottled up. lol I ended up exploding on my brother.

Anyone know how i can deal with my anger and frustrations without involving other people? i lost it today and got into a fight with my brother. my mom overheard us. which i didnt want to happen. im dealing with enough as it is, and having to hear my brother whine and bitch for weeks (more like years) on end, i finally lost it. my brother alex has always been really obsessive and loves irritating people. i had hoped he had changed after spending 3 years in jail, but he still as annoying as ever. 

ive been holding in my frustration, but i finally exploded today. my mom being latina, of course freaks out on me. thats the only thing i regret. not that i told my brother off. but upsetting my mom. 

some latin parents believe that boys can do no wrong, and the girls need to be perfect. who cares if my brother is a convict, the fact that i actually dared to curse at a man, makes me the one that is wrong. my mom has never criticized my brother for the awful things he has done (he was accused of stealing and money laundering) . or made him own up to his mistakes. im not perfect, and dont judge him. but i resent always trying to make me the person she wants me to be. always judging the way i act, think, and feel.

i know right now, what i feel or think doesnt matter. i want the house to be peaceful for my moms sake. but i am human, and cannot shut off how i am feeling.

does anyone know any ways i can release my anger so i can put a positive face in front of my family?

EDIT: Sorry to have gotten so personal. i feel like right now, im not even allowed to be honest, and be myself. like im wearing a mask to keep the peace. its not that normally i argue a lot with people. but i also make sure to stand up for myself with my siblings. as the youngest, i dont get a whole lot of respect. i dont want to burden my family with my thoughts, so im trying to deal with things on my own.

 

[AbbysMom]

Can you get in any type of exercise? When my father was in the nursing home right before he died, going for a long walk really helped me clear my head.

 

[artiemom]

I am so sorry to hear about your mom...and the situation(s) it has put you in...

Please do not blame yourself.. things happen in our life. It is a part of life, of living and learning..

As far as you anger; it is not unreasonable to have anger directed at people or things. It is one of the stages of grieving.. Yes, you are grieving.. it is normal to feel this way..

Can you take some time for yourself, to just get away from things? for at least an hour or two? Spend some quiet time, just not doing anything, letting your mind wander..

Can you write?  A journal has helped me a lot , in the past.. It put my feelings down on paper.. kind of validates it..

I wrote volumes about stuff..

Can you get out for a walk? 

I know you are the primary caregiver, but you need to take sometime for YOU, because if YOU are not healthy, both physically and emotionally, you cannot provide your mom with what she needs.

Of course you are mad! I had the same feelings towards family members who never came over to visit my dad, but once the word "hospice" came out, they all came over... I was furious, but I had to remember, that this was not a time for anger at them. I accepted them, for my Dad's sake.. but I will remember...

This is also a time for you to get closer to your mom... please view this time of taking care of her as a gift. Yes, a gift.. a gift to get to know her as a person.. not just a mom.. I cherish the memories of the times I spent just chatting with my dad.. listening to his stories.. yes, and caring for him at the same time.. It is a gift, that not many people are able to realize...

You need to also ask your family, brother and sister to chip in and help out.. WITHOUT arguing or preaching.. This is what your mom needs.. She needs to see her kids. No matter what happened in the past, they are still her children.. 

If they are not willing to help, could you find some help elsewhere?  any friends? 

I know hospice at home is not all that you would think it would be, however they do provide a respite for the primary caregiver. Please take advantage of it.... even it is only one night, or an hour or 2 during the day.....You would be surprised how much that can help you...

I do not know if this helps at all, but I remember the times with my mom.. I was really scared and mad... It took me many years to get over these feelings.. I remember the hurt, the scariness, the anger, the sadness... not a good thing to go through, but it was necessary...

With my dad, it was different. I appreciated the time I had with him.. I have absolutely no regrets at all.

I am an only child and my dad lived with me.. I was younger when my mom passed. I always felt I should have done more, but I understand now that under the circumstances, I did the best I could at the time...

Always remember the love.. LOVE will really get you through this.. 

If you sister's preaching is causing your mom to be upset--tell her to discontinue doing it because it is upsetting to YOUR MOM... Ask them to just try to keep your mom calm and at peace during this time.. As the primary caregiver, you have a right to voice your opinion, but keep in mind that this is THEIR mom also.. they are grieving also....

I do not know if anything I said made any sense at all. I am just writing off the cuff...

all I can say is;   ((((HUGS)))))  and try to be good to yourself  also....no blame at all, no guilt...

 

[natalie_ca]

I'm so sorry  

You said she has stage IV cancer, but you didn't say what kind. Before I went off work for my health, I was working in a cancer treatment centre.

My prayers are with you.

 

[misty8723]

When I found out my mom had cancer and how far along it was, I was angry at the doctor for not finding it sooner. I still am 7 years later. If I had had a way to sue him for malpractice, I would have (very long story).

The only thing I can say is love your mom and care for her for as long as she is on this earth, and know that if / when she leaves, she will NOT leave you and you will be together again when you are meant to me.

 

[Margret]

I just happened on this thread.  @terestrife, I am so sorry to hear this.  I've been through much the same thing with my father, who passed in his seventies.  I can give you a few clues:

1. Stage 4 means she's dying.  I'm sorry, but there's no point sugar coating it.  At this point, anything you do is for one of two purposes -- either slowing the cancer down or making your mother more comfortable.  Therefore, judge any treatment that is offered with that in mind.
2. Many cancer patients develop a distorted sense of taste.  Everything seems to taste bad.  I strongly suspect that this is from yeast infection as a result of normal gut bacteria being killed off by chemo, but that is just my opinion, and I'm not a doctor.  However, a good probiotic supplement is worth trying.  There's one available OTC for a reasonable price from most grocery store pharmacies named "Align."  My doctor recommended this brand after my most recent round of antibiotics.
3. Hospice is a wonderful resource, even if your mother wants to die at home.  They can send nurses to help tend her, get in touch with a doctor in the middle of the night when a stronger pain med is needed and have it delivered to your door, everything possible to make her more comfortable.
4. Many cancer patients have trouble swallowing near the end, which leads to dehydration.  There are three ways that I've heard of to deal with this: An I.V. is the most obvious one.  A lot of cancer patients end up with a glycerine swab that they can use to swab their mouths to reduce the feelings of thirst.  And then there's what we did with my father.  Even when he couldn't swallow water easily, he could still handle sherbet, so we fed him sherbet.  He'd just let it melt in his mouth and swallow it slowly.  It kept him hydrated all the way to the end.
5. Cancer frequently kills by cachexia, also known as wasting syndrome.  Get as many calories into your mother as possible.  {IMO, this is one of the best arguments for the legalization of medical marijuana -- anything that stimulates appetite is extremely useful for either cancer or AIDS patients.}  Also, Ensure is an excellent balanced supplement that can supply extra calories.
6. Take care of yourself!   When you're a primary caregiver it's incredibly easy to run yourself into the ground.  Do whatever you need to to get enough sleep, don't skip meals or exercise, and get in plenty of purr time with your fur babies.  And check online to see whether there's a care giver support group in your area.  I found that to be extremely helpful.
7. And always remember that we're here for you.  Anything we can do to help, we will.

Margret

 

[terestrife]

i know this is a few months old, but just needed to vent and didnt see the point in creating a new thread.

Its been a couple of months since Mami passed. Its been hard, im trying so hard to improve my life. I even got my drivers license (i put a thread here a few years ago about being scared of driving) at 32 years old. lol I'm volunteering at my sisters job and hoping it will lead me to a job that will be available soon.

But im not going to lie, im doing all of this only because i promised my mom on her death bed that i would better my life. But the truth is that i dont care. I cant force myself to care. I keep imagining my life and it scared me that for the first time in my life i feel so alone. Its not that i dont have family, i have siblings that i am very close to, my sister helped raise me and is like a mother to me. My brother is financially taking care of me.

What i mean is that all my siblings have their own lives, spouses and children. Their own homes and people that depend on them. I always thought that if i never managed to find love in my life, that i would at least have my mom. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship, but shes the person I've cared about the most in my life. We would bicker all day and annoy each other. I used to think that i wanted to run away to get away from the fighting, but i would do anything to have her back here fighting with me. it gets so quiet in the house now, i am staying at my brothers house, but i was used to having my mom by my side, we would go every where together. My mom and i are a lot alike, which is probably why we got on each others nerves. lol She understood and saw me exactly how i was, and wasnt afraid to tell me when i was wrong. 

I keep wondering what the point of even trying is. But i know i cannot be a burden to my brother, and also my cats need me. I just feel so empty and lost, and the future seems like an empty void.

Some days are better than others and i try to keep myself distracted. Even with my family being there for me, i just feel so alone. i didnt mind it before, because i at least had my moms company. But now being around my family and seeing them with their families makes me feel so empty. I sometimes think that its my destiny to be alone, guys have never been interested in me, and im too shy to change that. Its not even that i feel i need to be with someone to be happy, i just feel like my life has no purpose. I spent the past 4 years helping my brother raise his daughter and that gave me purpose and made me happy.

I've been helping out at my sisters job, and the thought of being stuck in an office sucks. Dont get me wrong, i have no plans to reject any job offers, and will take whatever they give me. I just mean that the thought of filling out papers for the rest of my life terrifies me. But i dont know what it is i could do that would make me happy.

Sorry for the jumbled post, my minds been full with a lot of craziness lately and i cant make any sense of myself. lol

 

[Margret]

Oh, my dear.  I'm so sorry.

You have several things going on:

1. Grief.  This is obviously the really big one.
2. Self image.
3. Fear for the future.

So, number one.  Grieving is extremely important work.  When you lose someone you love, it's a lot like an amputation.  Someone who was a part of you is gone, and they're never coming back.  But amputations can either heal cleanly, or they can fester.  If you allow this to fester, it will cripple you.  If you keep the wound clean, it can heal cleanly.  There will still be a scar, and something missing that's irreplaceable, but you will still be you, the loving and lovable person you always have been.  The most important way to keep this kind of wound clean is to acknowledge it (as you have) and to do your grieving.  I'm sure you've heard all about the stages of grieving -- I won't repeat them here -- but you need to be aware that they aren't the nice, orderly, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 thing that they sound like.  They're more like 1, 2, 5, 1, 3, 2, 4, 1, etc., and they seem to go on forever.  They don't actually, but when you're in the middle the end isn't always in sight.  I find it more useful to hang on to a few rules of thumb:

• It hurts as much as it hurts.  Don't try to avoid the pain; that just makes it try all the harder to get your attention.
• It takes as long as it takes.  Don't let anyone tell you when you "should" be "over" it.  In the first place, depending on your definition of "over it," you will never be over it; that missing part will always be missing, and you will always miss her.  And in the second place, there is no "should" about it.  Healing takes time, and that time lasts as long as is necessary for healing to occur.  Any attempt to cut the grieving process short will simply keep you from actually completing it.
• This is the hardest one:  The only way to the other side is straight through the middle.   There are no shortcuts, and any attempt to detour around it simply means that you will never get to the other side.  "Getting to the other side" is defined as being able to go on with your life as a healthy, happy adult, without constantly being ambushed by overwhelming grief every time something reminds you of your mother

Okay, so those are the important rules of thumb -- how do you use them?  What I have found most helpful is simply to set aside time every day that is devoted totally to grieving.  You turn off your phone, tell everyone you need to spend some time without disturbance, lay in a supply of tissues, and cry.  But beware, this is the kind of healthy behavior that is likely to make the people around you decide that they need to "do something" to lessen your grief, so you have to be prepared to defend your need to grieve.  Also, be aware that you can always do some of your grieving here.  We're here for you, and we're all on your side.  Just for starters, feel free to send me a PM any time you need a shoulder to cry on.

I'll get to numbers two and three later tonight; I'm currently running late on some things that I need to do.  But I just wanted to give you that much to get you started.  Remember, there is nothing wrong with your grief; there is nothing wrong with you, and you have friends who love you.

Margret