Cin, I've been in this position, and really understand your feeling of being "numb". Your mom will be in my thoughts.
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Mum diagnosed with Cancer...
- Thread starter loveysmummy
- Start Date
My Mom chose to stay close to home for her treatment, although I wanted her to go to a large city with a teaching hospital so she could get the best care. But as a nurse, she wanted to be treated by a doctor she knew, and she ended up getting very good care. If your Mom wants to come to Winnipeg, she should do it. Maybe her doctor in Vancouver can give her a referral to a good oncologist (cancer doc) in Winnipeg.
Be sure she brings copies of all the tests that have been run so far. Mom's docs often wanted to compare earlier scans to later scans.
You will know soon enough. And you will find you still have a million questions!
I agree 100%! Wait until you know what you are looking for, Cindy!
Do be strong and brave for your Mom. But also share your feelings with her honestly. Let her know she is free to grieve this diagnosis with you. But do remind her there is hope!Originally Posted by Loveysmummy
Although, what someone said here about attitude is right I think. I did read an online essay by a Harvard Prof. who was diagnosed with a fatal kind of cancer where his prognosis was only 8 months. He researched the disease thoroughly and said that he would beat this thing mainly on attitude alone, as in "I WON'T GIVE UP". And I think it was years later and he is still alive.
Thanks to all who said that NUMB was "normal"
I feel that I can scream and yell on my own time and when my mum is around, that this attitude may be more helpful. I really want to give her the impression that we will get over this.
I will be watching for updates. Ongoing prayers for your Mom, Cindy, and for Journey and Yasmine's Moms!
Cin, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your Mum and family. Be strong for her, but don't forget to look after you, too.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #44
Thanks all once again, and no cyberkitten, that made things alot easier to understand..
I am trying to realize that each case is individual as I have been told and that yes, it depends on the stage, demographics, etc...so I am trying not to be too depressed by the stats.
I just feel so exhausted the last couple of days, both mentally and physically and that isn't like me at all..
Another sad thing is that my daughter (12) was having a summer vacation with her when she had to go into the hospital after a week of having fun with her there..She has been a little trooper not whining about having to go to the hospital every day...Her Dad and I decided to fly her home whenever my mum gave the word (she said not to at first) but she is now coming home today...
We haven't told her yet and I ABSOLUTELY dread it as she is so close to her Nanny..
I don't know what to say to her or how much info. to impart (her best friend just lost her grandmother to cancer --but this was after being diagnosed 20 years ago)...
If anyone has any suggestions in how or what I should tell her, I would love to hear them..
Tx again all!
Hugs to all of you
I am trying to realize that each case is individual as I have been told and that yes, it depends on the stage, demographics, etc...so I am trying not to be too depressed by the stats.
I just feel so exhausted the last couple of days, both mentally and physically and that isn't like me at all..
Another sad thing is that my daughter (12) was having a summer vacation with her when she had to go into the hospital after a week of having fun with her there..She has been a little trooper not whining about having to go to the hospital every day...Her Dad and I decided to fly her home whenever my mum gave the word (she said not to at first) but she is now coming home today...
We haven't told her yet and I ABSOLUTELY dread it as she is so close to her Nanny..
I don't know what to say to her or how much info. to impart (her best friend just lost her grandmother to cancer --but this was after being diagnosed 20 years ago)...
If anyone has any suggestions in how or what I should tell her, I would love to hear them..
Tx again all!
Hugs to all of you
Cin,
I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt.
I would start out with the basics of what you know. She already knows that something is going on. Kids are too observant. Then find out what she wants to know. Be optimistic but honest. Also, try to figure out what she's thinking so that she isn't filling in blanks and blaming herself for anything.
Maybe she can start a journal to record how she's feeling. Another thing I've heard about is a thought jar. She records any thoughts or issues she is feeling and at a time of the day, the two of you can go over them and address them.
Also, see if there is anything she would like to do for her Nanny to help cheer her up. Maybe write poems or drawings, etc.
Good luck and let me know how you're doing, Cin.
Jana
I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt.
I would start out with the basics of what you know. She already knows that something is going on. Kids are too observant. Then find out what she wants to know. Be optimistic but honest. Also, try to figure out what she's thinking so that she isn't filling in blanks and blaming herself for anything.
Maybe she can start a journal to record how she's feeling. Another thing I've heard about is a thought jar. She records any thoughts or issues she is feeling and at a time of the day, the two of you can go over them and address them.
Also, see if there is anything she would like to do for her Nanny to help cheer her up. Maybe write poems or drawings, etc.
Good luck and let me know how you're doing, Cin.
Jana
Hope this is not too long!! I agree with the above and would add:
When cancer strikes a family, children sense that something is wrong, even if they don't know what it is. Talking it over with them, in words they can understand, is always better than hiding it. If you keep things from them, children think that things are worse than they really are.
When a child's life is touched by cancer, it can cause a great deal of emotional trauma [font=Arial, Helvetica]–[/font] mostly because any kind of serious illness is scary to a child. Fortunately, as a parent, you can help your child overcome many of his or her fears by simply explaining the situation in a calm, reassuring way.
http://cc.ucsf.edu/crc/hm_talking_with_children.html
When cancer strikes a family, children sense that something is wrong, even if they don't know what it is. Talking it over with them, in words they can understand, is always better than hiding it. If you keep things from them, children think that things are worse than they really are.
When a child's life is touched by cancer, it can cause a great deal of emotional trauma [font=Arial, Helvetica]–[/font] mostly because any kind of serious illness is scary to a child. Fortunately, as a parent, you can help your child overcome many of his or her fears by simply explaining the situation in a calm, reassuring way.
- Tell them about the illness. Although cancer is complicated, there are appropriate ways of discussing it with children of any age. "Nanny is very sick, so she has to go to the hospital to get well again," is usually enough for very young children; for older children, a more detailed explanation is better. The more they can know, the less helpless and afraid they will feel.
- Practice your explanation beforehand. It will be a great help to your child if you can be as calm and objective as possible when you discuss cancer, especially if you are the one who is ill. You should practice the conversation with your spouse or a friend, so that you can focus on your child's fears and put aside your own for the time being.
- Avoid blame. The younger children are, the more they think the world revolves around them, and the more likely they are to feel responsible for a parent or sibling's illness. Assure them by saying that nothing they or anyone else did caused the cancer.
- Explain to them that cancer is not contagious. Most children first experience sickness when they get a cold, measles, or some other childhood disease that might have been fairly contagious. It is important that you explain to them that cancer is not contagious. They will probably already be afraid that someone else in the family will get it. Assure them that this is not true.
- Try to balance optimism with pessimism. Telling your child that someone will be "all better" will only make him or her more confused and upset if it is not true. On the other hand, being very pessimistic can scare them needlessly. It is usually best to try to offer a realistic but hopeful assessment of the situation.
- Take your children's feelings seriously. It is common for children to have many different reactions when they learn that a parent or sibling has cancer. These can include anger, sadness, guilt, fear, confusion, and even frustration. All of these responses are normal. Let them know that it is OK for them to have lots of different feelings and that you have many of them, too.
- Answer questions honestly. Discussing cancer with a child can be difficult, especially when there are so many questions that adults or even doctors cannot answer. It is best for you to be as honest as you can with your child, and not be afraid to say, "I don't know" if you don't. For children, the amount of information you give them is usually less important than making them feel comfortable with what you say.
- Help children understand treatment. Children often fear the unknown. They can think that a situation is worse than it really is. Explain the treatment process in a way that is appropriate for their age, but don't forget, it is easy for a child to imagine something like chemotherapy or radiation therapy as bad because it can cause hair loss, nausea, and other unpleasant side effects.
- Prepare your children for the effects of treatment. Cancer and cancer treatment can often dramatically affect someone's appearance. Physical changes such as hair or weight loss can sometimes frighten them, or make them think a person has changed or is different. It is best to explain this to them beforehand so they are prepared. For example, you can say, "When Nanny was sick in the hospital, she lost weight, and her hair fell out [font=Arial, Helvetica]–[/font] but don't worry, it will grow back. She is still the same Nanny on the inside."
- Let children help but don't burden them with responsibility. It is important to let children know that they can help their parent feel better; it will make them feel less helpless if you let them run an errand, fetch a glass of orange juice, or perform some other task that is appropriate for their age. But be careful not to burden them with too much. The stress of having someone ill in the family can be great. They will need lots of time to just play, relax, and be children.
- Regardless of your child's age, when discussing death, remember three things:
- Try to use very clear, specific terms. Being vague will only confuse your child.
- Do not use terms like "sleeping forever" or "put to sleep," because children will think sleeping is like death, or be afraid that if they sleep, they might die.
- Finally, be patient. It will take a long time for a child to fully understand, and to accept, any type of loss. They certainly will not understand the first time you try to tell them.
http://cc.ucsf.edu/crc/hm_talking_with_children.html
Wow, that was amazing Cyberkitten.
I have to totally agree. When I was 14 and my mom got cancer, no one told me anything. I KNEW something was up, and finally I found some cancer pamphlets on the coffee table. I confronted my mom with them and she finally admitted she had cancer. I remember the thing I was most curious and angry about at that moment was that she didn't tell me! I kept asking her, why didn't you tell me, why didn't you tell me?
I think the worst part about being a teenager in general was that I had so many questions about everything in the world, and no one to ask, no one to give me answers.......
I also remember after my mom's transplant while she was still in the hospital a hospital counselor came to talk to me. That was probably the best day of my teenage life. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I was finally paid attention to and my feelings mattered.
Just my thoughts.......
Hi
I am really sorry to hear about your mothers diagnosis, and I do wish her well with her treatment. The next few months will be hard for all of you, but at least now she is in good hands. My dad had cancer 3 years ago (bladder & prostate) after a few lengthly operations and heavy treatment he is now doing fine thankfully. I do understand the feelings that you are going through atm, so if you ever need to talk, please pm me.
Take care, and get well vibes for your mum!
Gilly x
I am really sorry to hear about your mothers diagnosis, and I do wish her well with her treatment. The next few months will be hard for all of you, but at least now she is in good hands. My dad had cancer 3 years ago (bladder & prostate) after a few lengthly operations and heavy treatment he is now doing fine thankfully. I do understand the feelings that you are going through atm, so if you ever need to talk, please pm me.
Take care, and get well vibes for your mum!
Gilly x
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #49
Thanks all
Cyberkitten: thanks so much for those great tips.. I really appreciate them and will keep in mind each point (and have printed it out beforehand) to talk to her...
They really are very close..
Journey: I so feel for you..Its hard when adults think they are doing "their best" when keeping children in the dark. I felt the same as you when my parents divorced and I was very angry then..
This is why I want to be up front but not burden her with too much that will confuse her..Her dad and I have decided not to tell her for a couple days. We are going to talk to her on Tuesday.
I just want her to have a rest from worrying about Nanny for a couple days and have the chance to have a good time with friends and family and to settle in here before she is told.
She just got back at noon and we had a great afternoon together so this was a nice escape
And thanks, Gilly, your kind words are appreciated.
I love TCS for its invaluable support system
Cheers to all....
I will keep you updated
Cyberkitten: thanks so much for those great tips.. I really appreciate them and will keep in mind each point (and have printed it out beforehand) to talk to her...
They really are very close..
Journey: I so feel for you..Its hard when adults think they are doing "their best" when keeping children in the dark. I felt the same as you when my parents divorced and I was very angry then..
This is why I want to be up front but not burden her with too much that will confuse her..Her dad and I have decided not to tell her for a couple days. We are going to talk to her on Tuesday.
I just want her to have a rest from worrying about Nanny for a couple days and have the chance to have a good time with friends and family and to settle in here before she is told.
She just got back at noon and we had a great afternoon together so this was a nice escape
And thanks, Gilly, your kind words are appreciated.
I love TCS for its invaluable support system
Cheers to all....
I will keep you updated
Hi,
Im so sad to hear about your mom--Ive been going through something similar the past few weeks. My sister started having seizures over the holiday weekend and when they did a cat scan they found a tumor the size of a small tangerine in her brain. When they removed it, it was found to be a aggressive malignant kind of cancer called glioblastoma multiforme. After two emergency surgeries she is doing well but is now completely blind. Radiation and six months of chemo are lined up for her, and we are also on the cancer roller-coaster as well. We never though we would be a cancer/blindness family and dealing with a new set of challenges and vocabulary is really daunting.
You are concerned about how to tell your daughter--I think you have gotten some good advice. The whole "I somehow caused this" thing is NOT limited to kids! I am 28, my sister is 30 and I am struggling with that as well. My sister and I were not close, and I couldnt help but think "maybe if we were closer and better sisters, this would not have happened." Every family member might have some kind of internal drama like that. I know my mom thinks that she should have connected the dots earlier, and my dad just feels helpless--like the world he created for his family wasnt secure enough.
(FYI--blood is thicker than water, and the hospital bed conversations and unconditional love on both our parts has been redemptive and we are closer and tighter than I had ever let myself dream we might be.)
Just be prepared, because as you get deeper into this you will realize that everyone has something to work through. Be prepared to be tired and fatigued beyond belief. When friends and family ask "can I do something?" say YES! Ask them to bring prepared foods, sit in the hospital with your mother, clean your house/do laundry--just in general take care of things so that you can get rest and concentrate on being with your mother.
And that numbness can be a great help. If your mind would let you really experience the scariness of the situation all the time, you would just never stop crying, and that wouldnt be a help to anyone!
Our family is only three weeks into this, and Sarah is just now in the rehab floor, learning how to walk and move by herself--but there is a long road ahead. Please feel free to PM me anytime--I am new at this stuff too.
Much love and prayers to you,
xoxoxoxo
Hannah
Im so sad to hear about your mom--Ive been going through something similar the past few weeks. My sister started having seizures over the holiday weekend and when they did a cat scan they found a tumor the size of a small tangerine in her brain. When they removed it, it was found to be a aggressive malignant kind of cancer called glioblastoma multiforme. After two emergency surgeries she is doing well but is now completely blind. Radiation and six months of chemo are lined up for her, and we are also on the cancer roller-coaster as well. We never though we would be a cancer/blindness family and dealing with a new set of challenges and vocabulary is really daunting.
You are concerned about how to tell your daughter--I think you have gotten some good advice. The whole "I somehow caused this" thing is NOT limited to kids! I am 28, my sister is 30 and I am struggling with that as well. My sister and I were not close, and I couldnt help but think "maybe if we were closer and better sisters, this would not have happened." Every family member might have some kind of internal drama like that. I know my mom thinks that she should have connected the dots earlier, and my dad just feels helpless--like the world he created for his family wasnt secure enough.
(FYI--blood is thicker than water, and the hospital bed conversations and unconditional love on both our parts has been redemptive and we are closer and tighter than I had ever let myself dream we might be.)
Just be prepared, because as you get deeper into this you will realize that everyone has something to work through. Be prepared to be tired and fatigued beyond belief. When friends and family ask "can I do something?" say YES! Ask them to bring prepared foods, sit in the hospital with your mother, clean your house/do laundry--just in general take care of things so that you can get rest and concentrate on being with your mother.
And that numbness can be a great help. If your mind would let you really experience the scariness of the situation all the time, you would just never stop crying, and that wouldnt be a help to anyone!
Our family is only three weeks into this, and Sarah is just now in the rehab floor, learning how to walk and move by herself--but there is a long road ahead. Please feel free to PM me anytime--I am new at this stuff too.
Much love and prayers to you,
xoxoxoxo
Hannah
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #51
Oh Hannah, my eyes are welling up at work as I read this.
My heart goes out to you and your sister and family...She is still so young.
I say to myself often "but my mum is only 63!".
I guess Cancer is not ageist by any means but we all think illness only happens to the old.
I also think its funny how sickness and tragedy in a family can bring a family so much closer together.. My sister who is generally known to be a bit of a drama queen has been very stoic and strong...I am not doing the best right now in talking to my family.
In fact, I prefer not to talk about it at all the past 2 days with family and friends and have guiltily avoided my siblings phone calls..I just needed a rest from it and I feel weak for that.
I will be back on the horse today and will call them all and see where we are all at in this..
Thanks for the words.
Our situations do sound so similar in that we are both so new to this.
I am so glad to hear that your sister is learning to walk again. That sounds like real progress. Do they give you some kind of guideline as to when she will be home?
I may take you up on your pm offer
My heart goes out to you and your sister and family...She is still so young.
I say to myself often "but my mum is only 63!".
I guess Cancer is not ageist by any means but we all think illness only happens to the old.
I also think its funny how sickness and tragedy in a family can bring a family so much closer together.. My sister who is generally known to be a bit of a drama queen has been very stoic and strong...I am not doing the best right now in talking to my family.
In fact, I prefer not to talk about it at all the past 2 days with family and friends and have guiltily avoided my siblings phone calls..I just needed a rest from it and I feel weak for that.
I will be back on the horse today and will call them all and see where we are all at in this..
Thanks for the words.
Our situations do sound so similar in that we are both so new to this.
I am so glad to hear that your sister is learning to walk again. That sounds like real progress. Do they give you some kind of guideline as to when she will be home?
I may take you up on your pm offer
Hi,
No cancer is not ageist, by any means! The docs are great, and the people on this site who are cancer docs are also great--but it is so hard to learn the vocabulary, spoken and unspoken, that they are using. Like when they say "a brain issue" or "an event" they really meant "a lesion on the brain that we didnt expect" or "a seizure that we can't explain."
Sarah is walking now, with a sighted lead person. She can take a shower by herself in a special chair--I call it her "pee in the shower chair" because it looks like an open toilet. We are all jealous! She can feed herself, if you put the food in front of her, all cut up (try feeding yourself with your eyes shut! Its hard!). The basic spark of her personality is the same, but she is much softer and more tender. She has NO short term memory. She is much the same, only very different--as Im sure you are experiencing with your mum.
Don't beat yourself up for needing a break from it. When your world suddenly turns on its ear, its impossible to adapt without missing a beat. You've done great so far and I'll know you'll be there for your mom. If you need some time to recover from the news yourself--just take it. It is a shocker, for sure. Im still in shock and denial.
Definitely PM me any time. We can get through the newness of it together.
Love to you and your family
xoxoxo
Hannah
No cancer is not ageist, by any means! The docs are great, and the people on this site who are cancer docs are also great--but it is so hard to learn the vocabulary, spoken and unspoken, that they are using. Like when they say "a brain issue" or "an event" they really meant "a lesion on the brain that we didnt expect" or "a seizure that we can't explain."
Sarah is walking now, with a sighted lead person. She can take a shower by herself in a special chair--I call it her "pee in the shower chair" because it looks like an open toilet. We are all jealous! She can feed herself, if you put the food in front of her, all cut up (try feeding yourself with your eyes shut! Its hard!). The basic spark of her personality is the same, but she is much softer and more tender. She has NO short term memory. She is much the same, only very different--as Im sure you are experiencing with your mum.
Don't beat yourself up for needing a break from it. When your world suddenly turns on its ear, its impossible to adapt without missing a beat. You've done great so far and I'll know you'll be there for your mom. If you need some time to recover from the news yourself--just take it. It is a shocker, for sure. Im still in shock and denial.
Definitely PM me any time. We can get through the newness of it together.
Love to you and your family
xoxoxo
Hannah
oh! I didnt answer you before! The docs are starting her radiation next week as an in-patient. Then they are asking her to decide whether she just wants enough rehab to get home quickly and do at-home rehab or if she wants to stay in and get high-functioning in the hospital. So, 2-8 weeks before she can come home. We've practically turned her hospital room into a living room!
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Something else to think about. Cancer is a tough subject for people to talk about, so sometimes they just won't say anything. And they really don't know what to do to help. So if you can take the lead, that helps out a lot. For example, if someone says, let me know if I can do anything to help, or says, I wish I could help, you can suggest specific things. Like, go for a visit, bring over food for dinner, take turns driving, whatever takes the pressure off you.
And if you feel like talking about the treatment, or just how tired you are from all of this, then go ahead and tell people. They won't know whether to ask, so you need to tell them.
I had a friend give me wonderful advice years ago when they were dealing with a baby with cancer. She said, just ask, how are you doing. And if we feel like talking about it, we wll. And if we can't talk, then we will just say, fine, or whatever. Just follow our lead.
That was great advice, and you could tell your close friends the same thing, because they won't know what to say, or what to do.
And if you feel like talking about the treatment, or just how tired you are from all of this, then go ahead and tell people. They won't know whether to ask, so you need to tell them.
I had a friend give me wonderful advice years ago when they were dealing with a baby with cancer. She said, just ask, how are you doing. And if we feel like talking about it, we wll. And if we can't talk, then we will just say, fine, or whatever. Just follow our lead.
That was great advice, and you could tell your close friends the same thing, because they won't know what to say, or what to do.
