Moving in with fiancee and she wants to get rid of my cat?

[tavia'smom]

Originally Posted by churchi4cubs

Your fiancee sounds like a real piece of work. Your cat "startles" her? Give me a break. Can't live with the hair/smell? Whatever. Buy a vacuum and keep the litter box clean. If she was "allergic" to cats, it wouldn't take getting hair in her eyes.

Like other people have said, there seems to be some real control issues from what you have told us. If she can't handle a cat that you had before she came along, good luck making decisions in the future.

I'm a guy and will compromise on a variety of issues, but I wouldn't get steamrolled over my cats.

My 2 cents..

Only I am a girl

 

[tavia'smom]

Please don't take it that we are attacking your fiance but we tend to be a very outspoken bunch and we speak the truth as we see it and I guess its good in a way because you won't find a soul on this site that would advice you in a direction that they wouldn't take theirselves. So please take to heart all we have said and understand that all of us are speaking for what we would do or in some cases have done.

 

[esrgirl]

Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

The compromise is that she learns how to deal with it. If you really wanted to get a cat, and she didn't, it would be a different story. But she knew you had a cat already, already said she would be okay with it, so IMO she doesn't have a leg to stand on when now suddenly saying she doesn't want your cat in the house that the two of you share.

Most of the people on the board are going to say the same thing-- we wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't live with our cat... after all, the cat came first.

In a more general scale, it sounds like maybe there are some control issues going on, so maybe the compromise can be that you get your cat, inside as it has been, but she gets to do something else that you wouldn't necessarily want. Like a pink bathroom, or whatever the equivalent is. If she was previously okay with your cat, and now isn't, it probably isn't actually about the cat.

Exactly what she said! This probably isn't even about the cat. I made sure my husband liked cats from the very beginning, likewise he made sure I like dogs. Neither of us could ever trust a non-animal lover. Dislike for animals for a non-serious reason is a huge warning sign, as is flipfloping. The cat was there first- she knew about it. Put your foot down and get some good pre-marital counseling. This probably isn't the only thing she will change her mind about. Hopefully you can convert her!

 

[cubbie]

Originally Posted by Tavia'smom

Only I am a girl

That's funny. I was going to quote your first post on this thread but then I read a bunch of posts that all had good stuff. LOL

 

[fwan]

Well, No one is allowed to come into my apartment unless they like cats, if they are allergic then... too bad!

I could care less about other people.

My cats are here and they live the way they like it.

 

[katachtig]

First of all, there is a big red flag flying here. I would recommend some sort of couple's counseling. I suspect there are deeper issues here than the cat. Your marriage will be affected by these issues.

Secondly, since your cat has been an indoor cat, I don't like the idea of banishing her to the garage and outside. If you and your fiancee are not able to work this out, please rehome the cat somewhere she can continue to live indoors with love and attention. You are not doing her any favors by keeping her and then subjecting her to an uncomfortable existence.

 

[lsulover]

Originally Posted by catmongler

Hello,

My fiancee and I just bought a hosue and will be moving in together shortly. She is not a 'cat person', but does think my cat is very cute/lovable. She said she was OK with the cat living with us, but now has changed her mind. She claims that the cat startles her, cannot live with the hair/smell, and is mildly alergic (when she gets hair in her eyes).

I really do not want to give up my cat under any circumstances and am trying to come up with some sort of comprimise. She is an indoor cat who's spent her whole live inside (but looking out the window). The house has an enclosed back yard and I'm thinking about getting an electric fence and letting her roam out there. My financee said to let her do that + 'live' in the garage. I would really like to give her some sort of access to the house, but me fiancee really is opposed to it.

Does anybody have any ideas? comments? similar experiences or stories they can share with me? I'm trying to find a compromise here

thank you!

Can I ask you how old you are?

 

[emily_325]

I have to say agree with all of the other posters here, especially Zissou's Mom.

I don't know what the layout of the house is or how big it is, but perhaps a room or two could be the kitty's domain, and when you're home alone kitty can roam free. I don't know, I'm very hesitant to suggest a cat be limited to such a small space. I mean, you'd go stir crazy if limited to that right?

I'm also hesitant to say the half outside and garage is okay. Your cat is used to being inside and isn't accustomed to severe temperature changes. Also, garages are full of chemicals and toxins that if ingested by a cat are deadly.

I'd say if you don't give your fiancee the heave ho, it is your responsibility to find your cat a new indoor home with a loving and responsible owner. When you took in this cat some years ago you made the promise to take care of it until the end.

I hope you find a solution, and I know that being torn between two loves is hard, but I'm sure you will figure it out. Good luck, and welcome to TCS.

 

[pami]

I would seriously question your fiances whole outlook on your future together. To ask someone you love to give up a loved pet is just heartless to me. Not something that would happen from someone who loves you.

Then even contemplating leaving this poor cat outside. Again, totally selfish and heartless.

There is something about her accepting and then "changing her mind" that doesnt sit right with me.

Keep the cat, find another fiance.

 

[lsulover]

Originally Posted by Pami

I would seriously question your fiances whole outlook on your future together. To ask someone you love to give up a loved pet is just heartless to me. Not something that would happen from someone who loves you.

Then even contemplating leaving this poor cat outside. Again, totally selfish and heartless.

There is something about her accepting and then "changing her mind" that doesnt sit right with me.

Keep the cat, find another fiance.

Yep, that is just what I was thinking.

 

[jugen]

I wonder if we ran him off?
If it were me, I'd talk to my fiancee and tell her how much the cat means to me and that I don't agree with letting my indoor cat live outside because it could become a meal for a roaming animal, or be attacked by other cats, or any number of things could happen to him/her. I would let her know that since we agreed that the cat could be there in the beginning, I'd like him to be there for the rest of his life. She is not understanding your feelings and that's not fair. I'd never give my huaband that kind of ultimatium, that's not fair, to me it's like telling me "it's me or the kids" because to me, my cats are my kids and I'd never give up my cats on any condition. I've made a comitment to them and I plan to honor it.
I hope that your fiancee realizes that she is not allergic to the cat, getting any type of hair in your eyes will cause them to water, and I have 4 litter boxes in my one story ranch house and new people that come to the house don't realize that I have 4 cats because they can't smell the litter boxes because I scoop them twice a day and change them out once a week. (and two of my cats hide when people come over because they are people shy)
I think you should talk to your fiancee and tell her you will not put out your cat. That's not a fair thing to ask of you and you're not willing to do it.
If it comes down to it though, I'd honestly rather see you giving up the cat to someone who will give him a good home indoors for the rest of his life.

 

[lakeriedog]

Originally Posted by catmongler

Hello,

My fiancee and I just bought a hosue and will be moving in together shortly. She is not a 'cat person', but does think my cat is very cute/lovable. She said she was OK with the cat living with us, but now has changed her mind. She claims that the cat startles her, cannot live with the hair/smell, and is mildly alergic (when she gets hair in her eyes).

I really do not want to give up my cat under any circumstances and am trying to come up with some sort of comprimise. She is an indoor cat who's spent her whole live inside (but looking out the window). The house has an enclosed back yard and I'm thinking about getting an electric fence and letting her roam out there. My financee said to let her do that + 'live' in the garage. I would really like to give her some sort of access to the house, but me fiancee really is opposed to it.

Does anybody have any ideas? comments? similar experiences or stories they can share with me? I'm trying to find a compromise here

thank you!

So many of the others have given you good advice. If I were you, I would put off the wedding until you get this straightened out. I hope you can afford the payments on your own, because this could be what Dr. Laura calls a Deal Breaker. It would be for me.

Now, if your first thought after reading this is "It's just a cat!", maybe this isn't a deal breaker and you will want to just go along with whatever your fiancee wants. But be advised, this will not be the only decision in your marriage where your opinions and desires are going to be ignored or disregarded.

 

[jcat]

Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

In a more general scale, it sounds like maybe there are some control issues going on, so maybe the compromise can be that you get your cat, inside as it has been, but she gets to do something else that you wouldn't necessarily want. Like a pink bathroom, or whatever the equivalent is. If she was previously okay with your cat, and now isn't, it probably isn't actually about the cat.

Originally Posted by churchi4cubs

Like other people have said, there seems to be some real control issues from what you have told us. If she can't handle a cat that you had before she came along, good luck making decisions in the future.

That was precisely my reaction: control issues. Could your fiancee be jealous of your cat, and "testing" whether you love her as much, or more, than your cat? If so, prepare yourself for further demands/tests if you don't put your foot down and say, "The cat stays (inside)." You are responsible for your pet, and she's demanding that you shirk that responsibility.
What is she going to do if you refuse to give up your cat? She's the one who is reneging. Why should you be the one searching for compromises?
Sorry, but I married somebody with no experience with pets, and brought two large dogs and a cat into the marriage. He knew that, and while there were some complaints when the number grew to five large dogs and a cat within a year, they were part of the "package". In other words, "Love me, love my cat (dogs, rats, etc.)."

 

[lsulover]

There are some excellant posts on this thread.

 

[mooficat]

love me love my pets - yep

love me love my clothes - yep

love me love my family - yep

love me love my tubby butt - yep - of course

love me love my cooking - yep

love me love my car - yep

oh yeah, its a complete package..............

 

[wickedkitten]

Tell her she can go sleep out in the garage.

 

[dusty's mom]

Originally Posted by Wickedkitten

Tell her she can go sleep out in the garage.

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by catmongler

Hello,

My fiancee and I just bought a hosue and will be moving in together shortly. She is not a 'cat person', but does think my cat is very cute/lovable. She said she was OK with the cat living with us, but now has changed her mind. She claims that the cat startles her, cannot live with the hair/smell, and is mildly alergic (when she gets hair in her eyes).

I really do not want to give up my cat under any circumstances and am trying to come up with some sort of comprimise. She is an indoor cat who's spent her whole live inside (but looking out the window). The house has an enclosed back yard and I'm thinking about getting an electric fence and letting her roam out there. My financee said to let her do that + 'live' in the garage. I would really like to give her some sort of access to the house, but me fiancee really is opposed to it.

Does anybody have any ideas? comments? similar experiences or stories they can share with me? I'm trying to find a compromise here

thank you!

She is your fiance which means she's known you for quite a while. So she obviously was aware of your cat.

Personally it sounds to me like a control tactic. She has a ring on her finger and she's trying to make you choose between her and an animal that you love: one that she knew about when she started dating you, accepted your proposal and agreed to move in with you!

She's already going back on vows and promises and you haven't even moved in together, let alone gotten married!!!

I say stand your ground and don't let this woman manipulate you.

As for the electric fence, that's cruel! It shocks the animal. Would you like to be electricuted when you reached a boundary? Your cat is an indoor cat and shoving it outside to live in the garage is cruel! Your cat has been a loyal and loving companion for you. She trusts you and depends on you for love, food and interaction.

This woman isn't interested in a compromise. She wants it her way and she expects for you to give into her in order to prove to her how much you love her. That's manipulation!

Tell her you are a package deal. If she wants you then she accepts your cat as part of you, just like when you first started to date her. If she doesn't like cats then why did she continue to date you in the first place? What she's doing sounds to me no different than a man getting involved with a woman who has kids and then telling her that he's ok with her moving in but that her kids can't.

I don't like snakes and I sure wouldn't be dating someone who had a 20 foot python living in his house! And I sure wouldn't lead the guy on claiming I was ok with the snake and then tell him to get rid of it when we moved in together. That would make me a liar.

Another thing, the way a person is around animals is a good indicator of how they will be with children. A little cat startles her? What is she going to do when an infant starts to wail in the middle of the night?

Sounds to me like you don't really know this woman as well as you might think you do.

Sorry, but if I were in your shoes, judging by what you posted, I'd tell her to hit the road. I sure wouldn't want to marry someone who had the gaul to try and make me choose between her and someone or something that I loved. Personally you might want to rethink your involvement with this one. Doesn't sound like she's the one for you.

 

[lsulover]

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

She is your fiance which means she's known you for quite a while. So she obviously was aware of your cat.

Personally it sounds to me like a control tactic. She has a ring on her finger and she's trying to make you choose between her and an animal that you love: one that she knew about when she started dating you, accepted your proposal and agreed to move in with you!

She's already going back on vows and promises and you haven't even moved in together, let alone gotten married!!!

I say stand your ground and don't let this woman manipulate you.

Tell her you are a package deal. If she wants you then she accepts your cat as part of you, just like when you first started to date her. What she's doing sounds to me no different than a man getting involved with a woman who has kids and telling her that he's ok with her moving in but that her kids can't.

I was thinking the same thing. I do hope that he comes back here and sees all the good advice that he is getting.

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by catmongler

I really do not want to give up my cat under any circumstances and am trying to come up with some sort of comprimise.

I wanted to add something to my earlier response.

What is there to compromise about? Based on everything you posted, this woman is a liar.

As I said before, when you started dating you had a cat. When you got engaged you still had the cat. When you agreed to buy a house and move in together you still had the cat!

During all of this she has obviously seen how much that cat means to you and how much you love it.

During all of these times she told you she was fine with the cat, and now after your signatures are on a house mortgage, suddenly she isn't!? She's been lying to you all of this time! That's not the basis of a good and sound relationship.

So far as I can see there is nothing to compromise about. You were a package deal when you started to date, and you are still the same package deal now. If she can't accept that, then really you need to re-evaluate this woman and your relationship with her.