I think I need help

[trillcat]

Originally Posted by Blast-Off-Girl

Hi Laura,
I hope you're doing okay. I just stumbled upon this thread and everyone has given you some very good advice. I really hope you decide to make the necessary changes to improve your situation. Obviously AA does not work for you and that's perfectly fine. However, you mentioned that you struggle with depression and anxiety and those need to be targeted with the psychological and possibly psychiatric interventions. It seems that you are self-medicating with the aid of substances and it's clearly not working. I think you need to work on your underlying issues before you can ween yourself off the alcohol.

Rehab is not always a good option because they focus on the superficial problem of abuse while ignoring the root of the behavior (depends on the program, of course).

At the very least, I hope you can commit to meeting with a psychologist and then take it from there.

Hi everyone, still doing OK. Not great, just Ok. But thats Ok. Eating a lot, I mean a lot, Compensation? Yup. gaining a lot of weight, oh you betcha, so much for that diet. That doesn't really bother me though. Well it does, but not really that much. I can loose weight a lot easier that I can loose this addiction. I do have to tone down the over eating though. (should be glad I can eat, been there done that before not being able to eat for a few weeks while detoxing, just the sight and, urp, the smell of food would make me sick)

I quoted you Blast Off Girl because I have been through everything you have said. Learned a lot, about myself and why I do what I do, I know all the pscyobabble and tech talk about brain chemistry. I know it all (well, not really) I in no way mean to dimish your post, not in the least, and I thank you for responding to me. It's just I have tried it all already, the counslers, drugs to combat depresion, anxiety, all of it and still here I am.
I am going the way of my heart now, and see were it will lead me. I am not afraid of this on my own, because I am not alone. To others it may seem so, and by my writing I want to do this on my own, well, that just drives that home, doesn't it! It is hard to explain.
Anyway, I am OK. Altough, it's......
Bucky Badger Day here in the land of cheese! (Wisconsin) and all Madison is dresed in red and and out to party out the summer. Joy.
Eh, being from Chicago, let them have their fun, I will be one of the few who wakes up tomorrow without feeling like grim death wondering who the person I just woke up next to is! College town, they all just came back from summer break, do the math.

 

[krazy kat2]

I am so glad you are still hanging in there.
I know first hand how hard gaining control of an addiction can be. I have been clean and out of the methadone clinic for almost 18 months now, and it is getting easier every day. I still have the urge occasionally, but all I have to do is think about how miserable detoxing was, and the urge passes. I detoxed myself, at home, mostly alone. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, and I am quite sure if I can do it, you can.
Please continue to let us know how you are doing and know that we are all cheering for you to be happy and healthy.

 

[trillcat]

I have gone numb. Completly numb. I cant feel anything anymore. No empathy, no grief, no happiness, no anything. I know its my brain trying to compensate for all the crazy, but this disturbs me.
Part of who I am is what I am loosing.
I wrote in another thread in response to a story about survivors of 9/11, and my brain went to an emotional place then stopped. I sit here stone faced, I should be crying.
I started drinking to stop all the emotions, now I realize I drank to actually feel them.
Now, its gone. My facade is broken.
I want myself back.
I will have me back, now that I know what I am running away from I can face that demon.

 

[otto]

You won't stay numb forever. I know that sounds trite but...hang in there, okay. Your journey is giving me hope that someday my sisters will come to this point, and be able to do what you are doing now.

Hugs from me and headbump kisses from my cats.

 

[trillcat]

Originally Posted by otto

You won't stay numb forever. I know that sounds trite but...hang in there, okay. Your journey is giving me hope that someday my sisters will come to this point, and be able to do what you are doing now.

Hugs from me and headbump kisses from my cats.

That did not sound trite at all.
I am not sure what I am dong here really, baring my soul. Play by play of what it is like to do this. It sucks. But it sucks less knowing there are people there, even if over the internet, here to listen, and be helped, or just listen to me bitch.
Your sisters are not lost,
If still feel nothing, but I know I will

 

[sk_pacer]

It DOES get better, one day at a time. I know. 26 years this year for me.
Me 'n' da Kat Klan are pullin' for ya.

 

[calico2222]

Originally Posted by Trillcat

I have gone numb. Completly numb. I cant feel anything anymore. No empathy, no grief, no happiness, no anything. I know its my brain trying to compensate for all the crazy, but this disturbs me.
Part of who I am is what I am loosing.
I wrote in another thread in response to a story about survivors of 9/11, and my brain went to an emotional place then stopped. I sit here stone faced, I should be crying.
I started drinking to stop all the emotions, now I realize I drank to actually feel them.
Now, its gone. My facade is broken.
I want myself back.
I will have me back, now that I know what I am running away from I can face that demon.

Honey, you are getting yourself back...you just have to reaquaint yourself with who you are. I started drinking heavily after my mom died, not to hide from the pain, but to actually cry. I couldn't cry w/out it, and I NEEDED to. It was weird after I tried to stop every night...I just felt like a shell because I wasn't emotional. I was just....there. You're right, it will take your brain a little while to readjust. It will just take time.

 

[zorana_dragonky]

I have missed out on this thread, and I'm sorry for it. I just wanted to add my support for you.

My dad is a recovering alcoholic (sober twenty years this year, wow!) and my mom is a recovering addict (she will be at 7 years this year) and I have dealt with a lot of addiction in my family. I have always been careful (I don't drink often, and I have never done any type of drug) because I am paranoid that I will become an addict, too. I just wanted to give you my support. I know you can do it. Both of my parents did.

Many for you.

 

[trillcat]

Back again, doing a little better, kind of. Watching all the 9/11 stuff yesterday, well, wow, got my emotions back. Eeek. Cried for hours.
I still cant sleep
Really all I have to report about me.

 

[otto]

Thanks for checking in with us. We care about you.

xo

 

[trillcat]

I have been posting on other threads, started a new one, and I feel weird about that.
I feel like I am not fun silly Trillcat anymore, I am Trillcat the needy. I have the big ADDICTION hanging over me now, and now that I admitied it, it seems it overshadowes me.
I am still the same trill aka Laura. Still me.
I think maybe I will take a break from this board.
Maybe a month or so, not forever.
I am too, I dont know how to phrase this, not really me to be me now is the best I can do.
I will see ya all in a while, I will be fine, you KNOW that!

When all seems lost, when all fails, and you have no hope, hope appears. It is not on the outside, it is in you. It is there if you look and be still and listen.

 

[kluchetta]

Originally Posted by Trillcat

I have been posting on other threads, started a new one, and I feel weird about that.
I feel like I am not fun silly Trillcat anymore, I am Trillcat the needy. I have the big ADDICTION hanging over me now, and now that I admitied it, it seems it overshadowes me.
I am still the same trill aka Laura. Still me.
I think maybe I will take a break from this board.
Maybe a month or so, not forever.
I am too, I dont know how to phrase this, not really me to be me now is the best I can do.
I will see ya all in a while, I will be fine, you KNOW that!

Please take care, and you can always PM people if you need to talk in a less public place.

 

[otto]

Do what feels right for you Laura. I don't know you very well, in fact this may be the only thread of yours I've seen. I'll make a point of searching out your other threads to get to know more about you, Laura, the person and cat mama.

xo

 

[bcbc mom]

O.K. Baby girl! Been there-done that--it STINKS!!! PLEASE P.M. me! Maybe we can talk-maybe I can help you-don't know-would like to try b/c you break my heart! I'm a good listener & I think you need someone to talk to. Like I said-BEEN THERE. PLEASE P.M. me-o.k.? luv, bc

 

[snake_lady]

Originally Posted by Trillcat

When all seems lost, when all fails, and you have no hope, hope appears. It is not on the outside, it is in you. It is there if you look and be still and listen.

Laura, Do what you NEED to do. If that means taking a break from here, go for it.

I hope it works for you, and that you can truly conquer this demon and come back when you are ready.

For what its worth: You will always be the same Laura to me. We all have our problems....some people admit em, some people hide em, some people blame others, etc.... but deep down, no matter if you have an addiction, bad habit, nagging qualities, you are still the same person.

 

[krazy kat2]

We will miss you!

If you can, though, please just pop in occasionally just to let us know you are ok.

 

[trillcat]

Originally Posted by krazy kat2

We will miss you!

If you can, though, please just pop in occasionally just to let us know you are ok.

Popping in.
I am OK. I had to post again, so that you all know that I am OK. Also to be more clear why I will leave the board for a bit.
I said reasons of embarassment, not being me anymore, but that is not true, well, it is to a point.
I have become dependant on message board like this, and one other, as my sole life line into the world to make friends. I consider you all friends and from all the PMs I know you are my friends here. I have to make friends in the non internet world, and that throws me a bit. Im not good at that. I Have to go now.
At my request mods, could this thread be locked now?
I Know there are people who look at this, but maybe another thread can be started about addiction. Please?

 

[binkyhoo]

Sorry Sweets. One last hugg for you.

 

[northernglow]

I have to add this to this thread: I used to know a person who was an alcoholic. Not drunk all the time, but most of the time, yes. Then she got pregnant.. The doctors put some antabuse capsules under her skin and she couldn't drink alcohol anymore (while the capsules were 'active'). Have you heard about those?
I found a link about similar products: http://www.indianrxpharmaceuticals.c...lism-drug.html

Good luck! And lots of vibes

 

[sarahp]

Locked as per trillcat's request.