I think I need help

[trillcat]

I am so afraid, This is the only way of life I know. Your words mean a lot to me, and yet scare me, I have to be sober now. I am afraid, for my life. My heart is doing strang things.
If I get off the booze, I will not need drugs. I dont want another drug to get me off a drug.

 

[snake_lady]

It is scary...emotionally, physically, in every way imaginable. You yourself know how hard it will be physically.... That IMO is the easy part...detoxing... once its out and over, its done. The emotional part, the life you are used to, that is the hardest part to deal with. You will be changing everything about you, people you hang with, places you go, how you live even in the most basic of meanings. I won't lie and say it is not terrifying, because it is, and facing that is a part of dealing with the demon.

BUT, You CAN do it, if you want to. If you truly are ready, if you can look deep in your heart and say you are ready to learn how to live again without your demon, then anything that I can do, I will do. If you would like to hear personal experiences, I will happily tell you about the years I was institutionalised, the detoxes I've been through, the battles I've fought. I have no shame in what I've been through, as it has only made me stronger. I wouldn't be half the person I am now if I hadn't gone through what I have.

You can do this Laura, if you are ready to. I can feel your strength through your voice.

Stand strong Laura, stand proud. You can do this.

 

[carolina]

Laura... I am so sorry for what I am about to say, but I can't just sit here lying, pretending it to be a good thing to call you honey and send you virtual little hug drawings... when what I am feeling inside is not this at all.

Yes, I do feel like calling you honey, and sending you hugs, but sorry - I KNOW you can NOT do this alone. Reason why you are 42, and this is all you know on your life. If you could do this on your own, you would have done it already.
The thing is, here you are, with a bottle on your hand, feeling like a super woman, and not going through any of the hell you are going through during detox.
There is nothing wrong with admitting you can not do it alone.
The reason why you are still going through this after all these years is this belief that you must do it on your own or else you failed. NOT TRUE. Addiction is a powerful disease, and one should not be expected to go through it without medical help... just like any other disease... Would you try to fight cancer on your own??? Addiction is a DISEASE.
Please please... if you really really want to get out of this.... put this bottle down RIGHT NOW and call someone - call a friend, a hotline, whatever... Go into a rehab... now... while you are in the state of mind that you need help and are willing to accept it... Seek professional help.
You have tried for many many many years to get out of it on your own - you can not do it alone, and IT IS OK - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE because of it.
Please. Put the bottle down now and call someone. NOW.

 

[trillcat]

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

It is scary...emotionally, physically, in every way imaginable. You yourself know how hard it will be physically.... That IMO is the easy part...detoxing... once its out and over, its done. The emotional part, the life you are used to, that is the hardest part to deal with. You will be changing everything about you, people you hang with, places you go, how you live even in the most basic of meanings. I won't lie and say it is not terrifying, because it is, and facing that is a part of dealing with the demon.

BUT, You CAN do it, if you want to. If you truly are ready, if you can look deep in your heart and say you are ready to learn how to live again without your demon, then anything that I can do, I will do. If you would like to hear personal experiences, I will happily tell you about the years I was institutionalised, the detoxes I've been through, the battles I've fought. I have no shame in what I've been through, as it has only made me stronger. I wouldn't be half the person I am now if I hadn't gone through what I have.

You can do this Laura, if you are ready to. I can feel your strength through your voice.

Stand strong Laura, stand proud. You can do this.

i know I have this strength. I know. I have this in me, I just need to get it back.
The booze wants to kick my ass, I am trying to kick back but it wins every time.
I am strong, it is stronger.
Pm me with your story, you sound a lot like me.

 

[trillcat]

Originally Posted by carolinalima

Laura... I am so sorry for what I am about to say, but I can't just sit here lying, pretending it to be a good thing to call you honey and send you virtual little hug drawings... when what I am feeling inside is not this at all.

Yes, I do feel like calling you honey, and sending you hugs, but sorry - I KNOW you can NOT do this alone. Reason why you are 42, and this is all you know on your life. If you could do this on your own, you would have done it already.
The thing is, here you are, with a bottle on your hand, feeling like a super woman, and not going through any of the hell you are going through during detox.
There is nothing wrong with admitting you can not do it alone.
The reason why you are still going through this after all these years is this belief that you must do it on your own or else you failed. NOT TRUE. Addiction is a powerful disease, and one should not be expected to go through it without medical help... just like any other disease... Would you try to fight cancer on your own??? Addiction is a DISEASE.
Please please... if you really really want to get out of this.... put this bottle down RIGHT NOW and call someone - call a friend, a hotline, whatever... Go into a rehab... now... while you are in the state of mind that you need help and are willing to accept it... Seek professional help.
You have tried for many many many years to get out of it on your own - you can not do it alone, and IT IS OK - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE because of it.
Please. Put the bottle down now and call someone. NOW.

Yes It is my fault. All of it is.
Im a drunk, got some pills for that, I wil be an addict .

 

[carolina]

It is Not your fault Laura... It really isn't....
There is nothing in alcoholism that makes it your fault... it is a disease like any other...
I hope, really hope you can see that soon

 

[nekomania]

I don't believe in the 12 step program because it is basically telling you to give yourself over to a deity that you may or may not believe in.

I know that the courts will fource people to attend a 12 step program and I don't believe in forcing religion down peoples throats.

Perhaps that is where you went wrong in seeking help. You need to know that you need help, you need to want to get help, and then you need to find it. It's a battle of willpower, but I think you need to see a doctor as well as they can perscribe you medication that will make drinking less appealing.

Have you considered hypnosis or therapy? You can beat this. You just have to really really want it and to learn to replace the comfort of alcohol with something else.

 

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by Nekomania

I don't believe in the 12 step program because it is basically telling you to give yourself over to a deity that you may or may not believe in.

No, it doesn't have to be a diety. Just something that is bigger than you. Your addiction is bigger than you are, why not believe in something- anything good that is also bigger than you? I went to NA with many agnostics and athiests and the program works for them too. For one woman her higher power was her desire to get her children back.

Hi Trillcat, I'm Bookworm, and I'm an alcoholic/addict. With several years clean and sober behind me.

Originally Posted by Trillcat

No not more abuse. I have to take care of my self, I am 42 years freakin old, I have to be able to do this on my own!!!

That's what I thought at one time, the end result was a 21 month "vacation" provided by the state, and it wasn't in rehab, although it did get me cleaned up, the hard way. I was one of those who not only had to hit bottom I used my fingernails to dig a deeper hole when I hit.

Some things we can't do on our own. It just gets too big for one person to deal with.

Please find someone you trust and get help before something awful happens. If we are to be that help, it looks like you'll get plenty of support here. It's difficult but not impossible. And it gets easier the longer you go too.

I actually went through it all twice. The first time in my twenties, that time I did it all on my own. After 13 years I made the mistake of thinking I was "cured" and it was ok to have a drink.

While attending 12 step meetings in the county jail (at first just to get out of my cell and hoping it would look god to the judge) I discoverd that many of the things I had done to get clean the first time were part of it. I have never completed all 12 steps, but have been clean since March 7 2003. You can tailor it to suit your personality to some degree. The biggest help to me was the One day at a time. You don't have to stay sober the rest of your life, that's too overwhelming to consider. Just stay sober today, and then do it again tomorrow.

 

[jcat]

People are correct when they say there are AA members who don't believe in a deity. I have a family member like that - for him, the helpful part is having the personal support of people who have similar addiction problems and can help him pick himself up when he backslides or is in danger of doing so. He's said that some meetings, i.e., groups, have been preferable to others.

There should be a local hotline you could call that will point you in the direction of help. There are non-12-step treatment programs out there, and also online forums for people with addictions that you might want to look into.

Alternative Support Programs (Non-AA)
Bright Eye Support Forum For Alcohol Problems (UK-based, non-AA)
S.M.A.R.T. Recovery
S.M.A.R.T. Recovery Message Board
Moderation Management

 

[carolina]

Laura, how are you today?

 

[swampwitch]

Please go to your library or bookstore and pick out a bunch of books on what you are going through ("self-help" section). There are many books on every subject; lots people have gone through what you are going through, and have changed their lives or turned them around! It can be very inspiring to read how other people have found what we are looking for. It really, really helps, and it's super-easy to do, reading...

In my darkest times I've always reached for books and I've found so many answers in them. I know you will find answers, too.

 

[ut0pia]

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Please go to your library or bookstore and pick out a bunch of books on what you are going through ("self-help" section). There are many books on every subject; lots people have gone through what you are going through, and have changed their lives or turned them around! It can be very inspiring to read how other people have found what we are looking for. It really, really helps, and it's super-easy to do, reading...

In my darkest times I've always reached for books and I've found so many answers in them. I know you will find answers, too.

That's some great advice. I've pulled myself out of depression through books like this..I was in therapy because depression was not the only thing I had, I'm still not feeling like I can share and it's possible that I never will, but reading self help books helps. Even if it's not self help, like I was reading just random novels too, but some of them can be very powerful and characters from books can be great role models...The books I was reading all had a mentally strong female role model with some strong morals and values that she follows..that made me go wow I want to be like that ..it motivated me to be strong..
I mean, it's not like a small thing like this will be the solution. There is no one simple solution to addictions. It's a combination of doing many things...you already have one thing going for you, you have acknowledged the problem and you want to change. The more positive realizations and steps that you take, the closer you will get, even though it may not feel like it at the time...Eventually it adds up and at one point you will feel the strength, your willingness and your NEED to get better will be stronger than the petty illusion of temporary euphoria that drinking can give you. You will realize that you need your body and your mind too much for more important things, such as being in control of your life, and you can't let them get impaired..But these incredible thoughts and feelings don't come out of nowhere you have to fight and struggle first..and it may feel like you're not getting anywhere, like you're back at day 1 ...but believe me, as long as you are fighting and you don't give up, you will get there..
It probably already shows from my post that I've been through something similar..but I still won't (can't) say what it was...it wasn't alcohol though.

 

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by ut0pia

It probably already shows from my post that I've been through something similar..but I still won't (can't) say what it was...it wasn't alcohol though.

The time will come, the above post was the first time I went public about it all. Other than the quarter page the arrest got in our local paper that is. Not voluntary publicity.

I think a lot more people than the OP dreamed have been there done that. All addiction is pretty much the same thing, whether it be chemical or behavioural.
One of my kids has an eating disorder, and while I watch her get smaller and sicker I recognize the signs of addiction. I'm as powerless to help her as I was my self, don't even understand what is addictive about it, but I see it's the same thing.

 

[mrblanche]

Just acknowledging that you have a problem and publicly saying so is a big step. An important step. A brave step. Hopefully, the first of many steps, of course.

I'm not a big fan of any of the actual "programs," because I don't think the program is the key. It's the support of others who care about you that is most important.

Have you seen Joe Walsh's song about his problem? He says he spent 20 years drunk, but finally climbed out of the bottle in 1995.

Joe Walsh -- One Day at a Time

 

[fifi1puss]

Sometimes it takes trying again and again. My Mom is an alchoholic. She is 3 months sober yesterday. She had tried programs before and would do okay than slide back. Her guilt over sliding back kept her from asking for help. But it got really bad and she had to. Her life had ceased to exist as she had known it to be, she was losing her marriage also.

The program she went into was intense. She was in hospital for a week detoxing and getting help and than went to outpatient clinics 4 times a week and AA twice on weekends for two months. It was intense but completely necessary.

I just am concerned because you say you don't want to give over your will. But you already have. You gave it over to the drink and in order to get healthy you need to first transfer over that will to a healthy place in order to experiance what it could be like to stand on your own two feet. But you need to be supported and healthy before you can do that. Crawl before you can walk.

 

[nes]

I wish some of our friends and family were as strong and brave as you

.

for your recovery.

 

[catkiki]

My DH is an alcoholic but has been sober now for 3 weeks. He also hasnt smoked in just over 2 weeks. He gave me permission to share his story.

Mike is disabled and doesn't work. He will be 58 next Friday. I work and everytime I would call on my breaks and lunch, he would already be drunk. Because of his medication, he should NOT drink!

3 weeks ago today, he decided to stop drinking, period. That was his last beer. He also would drink vodka, tequila, or anything we had in the house.

The reason he quit drinking was Jesus Christ. He had started reading those blue Bible Story books and then started reading the Bible. Once he dedicated his life to Christ, HE took the booze out of his life. Sometimes you can't do it on your own. You need the help of a Higher Power.

He has no desire for drinking now. His desire for smoking has greatly diminished (he still chews though, yuck) He started drinking when he was a late teen, stopped awhile and then started again. He had been smoking since he was a teen also. Off and on.

I don't want to come across as preachy, but just wanted to share his story. Bottom line is you CANNOT do it alone.

 

[alleygirl]

Detoxing without medical supervision can be DANGEROUS and DEADLY. Please see a doctor before you do this. They can give you medication to help prevent seizures, DT's etc. If you are unable to check into an in-patient rehab, please see your doctor.

 

[carolina]

I don't think Trillcat will be back

 

[fifi1puss]

Originally Posted by carolinalima

I don't think Trillcat will be back

What makes you say that?