I Lost My Baby Boy Suddenly Yesterday Morning. I Can't Cope.

[Neo_23]

I don't even know how to write this, I just wanted somewhere for my boy to be remembered. I can't stop crying as I type this. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

Some of you have followed my posts on here, my boy was often sick and struggling with digestion issues. We had him on antibiotics three times for bugs, but we never anticipated what would happen yesterday morning. An hour before it happened he was snuggling with us in bed. I even got up to give him his food and he gobbled it up -- I went back to sleep. Then, I was woken by the sound of his cries. I ran out to the living room - he was lying on the couch crying and struggling to catch a breath. We panicked, picked him up to take him to the emergency, but he had already passed away before we could get out of the house. I just don't understand, one minute he's normal and with us in bed, the next I'm sitting at the emergency clinic holding his dead body in my arms. They said he had heart failure. I don't understand - he was fine. He had no symptoms of heart problems. I can't handle this. Why did this have to happen to him? He was only 9 months old, just a baby. I miss him so much.

We adopted him in the summer time - I was going through a deep depression, had no motivation for anything. When I saw him at the shelter we made a connection. I named him "Neo," it means "gift" in Tswana. He was my gift. He saved me. He pulled me out the darkness and he was the only one who knew how to brighten my day. He was the sweetest little boy - loved to snuggle and get belly rubs.

I just can't believe this is happening. The house feels so empty and wrong without him. I can't be here without him. I don't know how to cope. I keep remembering him crying, struggling to breathe. I couldn't help him. I didn't want him to be in pain, I didn't want him to struggle. I couldn't save him. I failed him.

I just don't want to let him go. He was my baby, my best friend, my light in the dark. I feel like a part of me is gone.

Please come back to me.

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. He was a beautiful young cat.

It is hard to lose one, but harder when it is so sudden. In time, your memories will be sweet and you will remember all the good things and good times. In the meantime, take care of yourself. You mentioned your struggle with depression. Reach out to others who love you and let them hug you and help you. When I lost my soul mate cat, I wrote his life story. I printed it out, included pictures and put it in a folder where I could read it over and over again. I didn't want to ever forget any of his cute antics. Writing it was therapy for me. Thirteen years later, I still get it out from time to time and read it. I am so thankful I wrote it all down as when I read it now, it brings back to my memory things I might have forgotten. I urge you to think of doing this too. It might be just what you need now to help you and down the road, it will be a blessing.

 

[Lari]

Oh my gosh, poor baby! I did see your posts around asking about health questions, but I didn't think they would end like this with him so young!

I'm so sorry to read about this. I don't know how to make some of the beautiful tribute posts other members can do, but he was a beautiful, wonderful boy and my heart hurts for you.

 

[orange&white]

Oh, I am so sorry you lost Neo. You certainly did not fail him, but gave him a wonderful life, though it was so short. Anyone reading could tell you loved him deeply and cared for him in the best way any cat could ever ask for. He was very lucky to have you, and you him.

You cry and grieve as long as you need to. Know that Neo is a peace now and watching over you.

Warm light coming from far below,
Twinkling, sparkling is the candle's glow.
All is well up on the ridge,
The place we know as Rainbow Bridge.

Furbabies sleeping in heaven's light,
Tended by candles in the night.
Peaceful dreams be theirs to keep,
As they slumber in this night so deep.

Hearts on earth that miss them so,
Take comfort in the candle's glow.
Watching for them in skies above,
Bound eternally by a cord of love.
- (Author unknown)

 

[Columbine]

Oh my goodness! I am so, SO sorry

Such a shock (I'm tearing up as I type this). He was such a special, precious little boy, and I can only begin to imagine how much you're hurting right now Sudden loss is always hard, and is especially heartbreaking in one so young

I know no words can possibly ease the pain you're feeling right now. I hope you can take some small comfort from the knowledge that you gave him a truly wonderful life, and he knew just how much he was loved, and loved you back even more. Heart failure is so cruel, and doesn't always present with symptoms in young cats and kittens. Know this for certain - you did NOT fail him. Not in any way. He couldn't have hoped for a more loving home or a more attentive mom than you. It's natural to question and doubt yourself after any loss, but especially such a sudden one, but those questions and doubts are unfounded. Don't torture yourself with 'what ifs'. I am so incredibly sorry that he's gone, and my heart is breaking for you right now.

I know what it is to have an animal come into your life at the darkest moment and save you, and how much more it hurts when they pass. I am so, so sorry. You are not alone. Neo will never be forgotten. You are in my thoughts and heart

Rest in peace, Neo, you sweet, special, darling boy. Your time here was short, but full of love
​

 

[Furballsmom]

You DID NOT fail him. He absolutely would NOT want you to beat yourself up like that. What he would want is for you to remain in love with him, and not torn apart.

 

[Ardina]

I'm so so sorry. I have no words, but know that I'm thinking of you.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I am so sorry. I know it's not much comfort now; but my experience is the same as I've read from others on here who have also lost cats to heart failure unexpectedly. It is quick and often unexpected. It can come at any age and there isn't anything that you've done or could have done. My Glory sprinted across the house like she did every day, multiple times a day jumping on her chair in my bedroom. She let out one cry and that was it. Neo had your love even if it wasn't as long as we'd like. He will always be your gift.

 

[les26]

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious little boy, you had a special bond with him as I do with Sylvester who also came and rescued me as I did him in a very dark time for both of us so I understand how you must be feeling, if I'd lose him I would crumble, but for some reason God needed a young Angel cat, perhaps for a young child who died and needs a friend in Heaven, I don't know why these things happen but they do. And as much as it hurts to lose him, maybe it was best it was done quickly; what I mean is, what if he would have had a serious problem that they would have found out about, and maybe you would have had to have given him so much special medical care and I KNOW that you would have done it, but what if he lived but his quality of life was not good, perhaps it is better he moved on and is healthy again rather than stay here and be a shell of himself, but this I know doesn't help you much as you wanted him to stay healthy and with you for a long time, but for some reason it wasn't meant to be. I am so sorry this happened, and when stressed I learned to take Holy Basil, an herb that really helps you adapt physically and mentally to stress, I took it after Sebastian died in my arms and it helped, then 3 months later Sylvester and I found each other, in the darkness, so I know how you are feeling, so sad, so so sad to read this news.

Please stay on here and visit often, the people are wonderful and can help you even just in thoughts, and I hope that you are able to cope with this terrible tragedy somehow.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you, stay strong.....

 

[gareth]

I don't even know how to write this, I just wanted somewhere for my boy to be remembered. I can't stop crying as I type this. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

Some of you have followed my posts on here, my boy was often sick and struggling with digestion issues. We had him on antibiotics three times for bugs, but we never anticipated what would happen yesterday morning. An hour before it happened he was snuggling with us in bed. I even got up to give him his food and he gobbled it up -- I went back to sleep. Then, I was woken by the sound of his cries. I ran out to the living room - he was lying on the couch crying and struggling to catch a breath. We panicked, picked him up to take him to the emergency, but he had already passed away before we could get out of the house. I just don't understand, one minute he's normal and with us in bed, the next I'm sitting at the emergency clinic holding his dead body in my arms. They said he had heart failure. I don't understand - he was fine. He had no symptoms of heart problems. I can't handle this. Why did this have to happen to him? He was only 9 months old, just a baby. I miss him so much.

We adopted him in the summer time - I was going through a deep depression, had no motivation for anything. When I saw him at the shelter we made a connection. I named him "Neo," it means "gift" in Tswana. He was my gift. He saved me. He pulled me out the darkness and he was the only one who knew how to brighten my day. He was the sweetest little boy - loved to snuggle and get belly rubs.

I just can't believe this is happening. The house feels so empty and wrong without him. I can't be here without him. I don't know how to cope. I keep remembering him crying, struggling to breathe. I couldn't help him. I didn't want him to be in pain, I didn't want him to struggle. I couldn't save him. I failed him.

I just don't want to let him go. He was my baby, my best friend, my light in the dark. I feel like a part of me is gone.

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Please come back to me.

A few years ago I was sitting on the floor of my spare bedroom with a razor crying and trying to work up the guts to end my own life. My marriage was failing and my life had fallen apart. I was in a terribly dark place.

What stopped me was a little brown cat called Eva, who refused to leave me alone despite me pushing her away, and just kept head butting me until me attention was forced upon her. This broke my funk. Six months later I was holding her two year old dead body in my arms and screaming at the sky in fury. She was my best friend, too. I genuinely believe she saved my life.

I get it. I've been to a dark place, and been pulled out of it by a cat. I believe those of us that experience that sort of thing end up with a bond that is indescribable. When that bond is broken the pain is beyond words. Beyond description. It's all encompassing. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

Permit me to share with you a few things I learned on my journey to healing.

Firstly, he wasn't fine. If he had a heart failure then he had a weakness or a problem that was just unrecognised. That means every day he had with you was a blessing, for both him and you. Eventually you will smile and be grateful for those days. But not yet.

Secondly, you didn't fail him. You gave him a loving life and then did everything you realistically could at the end. He was ripped from you in a terribly traumatic manner and I see nothing I would have done differently. I can, tragically, just imagine how you felt holding him, and it bring tears to my eyes for you.

His pain was transient. It looked awful and the memory will stay with you, but his pain was temporary. He clearly wasn't in pain throughout his life or someone that loved him like you did would have picked up on it. He is not in pain now. There was an unpleasant bit in the middle, but your pet is now free from pain and at peace. Your pain will last longer than his, and is a reflection of how important he was to you.

You don't need to post on here for your boy to be remembered - You'll remember him the same way I remember Eva. with gratitude, and a love that will be with you for the rest of your life. He lives now in your heart. however, I wanted to thank you for posting pictures of him. I see a cat free from pain, happy and loved. That will be how you see him in time, when the pain of his passing diminishes.

Again, I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Grieving is a very real trauma, and you need to do whatever you need to help manage the process. If that means posting stories of life with him on here, or pictures, or whatever, then great. We never tire of hearing about cats that were loved and loved back, and your little fella sounds very special indeed.

The final thing i learned is this. YOU pulled yourself out of your depression, just like I pulled myself out of mine. Our cats just reminded us that it was worth the effort. Even though they are no longer with us, we can be grateful for that immense gift.

A loss like this is nothing short of traumatic, and that means you need to be gentle with yourself. There is no right or wrong to healing, do whatever you need to minimise your pain. I'm sorry we cannot share the pain between us all and take some of it from you, but I hope it helps to know you are amongst kindred spirits.

EDIT: Sorry I should have said. He was a really good looking cat, and looks like he was full of personality !

 

[duckpond]

I am so sorry for your loss! It hurts to loose a loved one. Be kind to yourself, you didn't fail him. None of us is guaranteed a certain amount of time, we take what we are given, but it always seems more tragic with the young. You gave him love, security and care, a family, while he was with you. That is a gift, and you gave it to him, hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing that he knew he was loved while he was with you. He cant come back, but maybe someday, when you are ready, you can bring another kitten into your home to give a family to, to show love and kindness. Not to replace this lovely boy Neo, but to honor him, by gifting another kitten or two, with a chance for a loving home. I am sorry this happened and i will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Gizmobius]

I was so shocked to see this post. I am so very sorry for your loss. I've known your username, we posted in many of the same threads, it was a comfort to know that there was somebody else out there trying their damnedest to figure out why their boy had such unexplained digestive issues. And that is how I know you didn't fail your boy. With every problem that arose in him, you were always trying to figure out the what and why and, most importantly, the how of making sure he got better. I don't know much about heart failure but I do know, like others have said, it's something that happens so suddenly you can't possibly prepare. I also know you gave Neo the best life he could've had. Think of who else at the shelter might've adopted him. Who could've given him the care and attention and desire to figuring out how to give him the best life possible other than you?

You and Neo are in my thoughts.

 

[di and bob]

You did not fail him, his frail body did. You gave him everything he ever wanted, a wonderful home and your love, he would not ask for more. In one so young, heart problems are in the distant future and would not be looked for. With his sudden death, a heart problem he most likely was born with is the most likely cause of this horrible, untimely passing.
Please, try to not beat yourself up over what could not be prevented. There was absolutely no way of predicting something like this happening. Your precious boy would be the last one to want you to be so filled with grief because of him. Try to celebrate having him in your life, he was there for a reason...... To show you what true love is and to bring joy and order into your life. You save his life, he saved yours. Now he follows a new path, but that path will always be tied to your soul, it is eternal because it is forged from spiritual love. He will follow this path alongside you, until the day it crosses once more. He will always be near, he is a part of you now. Use that bond and your precious memories of happier times to bring your poor heart comfort.
Remember what he brought into your life, and when you are ready, pass on that legacy of love to another, because that is what love is. It needs to flourish and grow, not be hidden and hoarded because of grief. Like a mother with several children we learn to love and open our heart again. It is a welcome distraction and brings meaning to our lives once more.
You gave that sweet little boy a life and love, it helps so much to know he thanks you for it. We cannot change the past, no matter how much we would like to. So go forward into the future as he would want, with your beautiful memories and the promise of more, you will always have his....... RIP precious little boy, you will never be forgotten, forever held secure in a loving heart that misses you so dearly. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again. Goodnight, sleep tight little Prince!

 

[Neo_23]

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your kind words, support, and wisdom. Reading your posts has really helped me in my darkest moments.

I am still having a lot of trouble accepting the loss of my poor baby. It’s hard for me to wake up in the morning without him next to me. I immediately start crying because I wish he would jump on the bed as he usually does, start purring, and cuddling on my chest. Everything I do around the house reminds me of him. We put photos of him around the house and it comforts me to see him there. But the anguish I feel from losing him is sometimes very difficult to bear. I’m just having a hard time dealing with him being gone. I wish we had more time together. I don’t understand if it was a heart defect he was born with why the vet didn’t notice anything when they did x-rays at 4 months. Or why they never noticed an irregular heartbeat every time they checked his heart. It makes me sad to think that he was destined to live a short life. He deserved so much more than that.

 

[Neo_23]

I am breaking down every time I look at the couch that he died on. All I can see is him struggling and taking his last breath. I am a mess.

 

[Lari]

You're going to be a mess and that's okay. Be one as long as you need.

I don't know if it will help but I was thinking of you earlier and feeling that it was good that you were there. He was going through this terrible trauma but you heard him and were able to surround him with your love, rather than if this had happened while you were out or working.

Even from afar I could tell how much you love him. He knew it too.

 

[les26]

I am breaking down every time I look at the couch that he died on. All I can see is him struggling and taking his last breath. I am a mess.

November 23rd 2015 when I came home from work Sebastian who had been sick was tangled in the mini blinds, and when I untangled him he died in my arms 15 seconds later; those mini blinds haunted me for quite awhile, just like this couch is doing to you, I had a hard time even being near them for a long time, but as time went on I could stand there and look at them again and the sting was not so bad anymore. It will take a long time but you will get past this too, it is very normal, like feeling weird when you are near an area that you saw an accident happen.

God Bless......

 

[di and bob]

You'll NEVER accept that your baby is gone. You learn to live with it. The hurt subsides with time, as you let your happy memories override the bad. We never have enough time with them no matter how long it is. You WERE cheated, that sweet little one deserved more in this life. But we are never guaranteed a tomorrow, that is why each and every moment we have in this life is precious. Why each memory needs to be tucked away and hoarded,they become our treasure.
You feel so lost and hurt because you loved so much. A broken heart takes a long time to heal, and it always leaves a scar. Even though it doesn't seem like it now, you can and will love again. Loss should never close our hearts, it should open it to soothe the hurt, to fully live once again, just like our precious little ones want.

 

[Neo_23]

November 23rd 2015 when I came home from work Sebastian who had been sick was tangled in the mini blinds, and when I untangled him he died in my arms 15 seconds later; those mini blinds haunted me for quite awhile, just like this couch is doing to you, I had a hard time even being near them for a long time, but as time went on I could stand there and look at them again and the sting was not so bad anymore. It will take a long time but you will get past this too, it is very normal, like feeling weird when you are near an area that you saw an accident happen.

God Bless......

That is awful, I'm so sorry that happened to Sebastian. I am doing my best to remember the good memories we had on the couch rather than his last moments. I guess you are right that the only thing that will make it better now is time.

 

[Neo_23]

You'll NEVER accept that your baby is gone. You learn to live with it. The hurt subsides with time, as you let your happy memories override the bad. We never have enough time with them no matter how long it is. You WERE cheated, that sweet little one deserved more in this life. But we are never guaranteed a tomorrow, that is why each and every moment we have in this life is precious. Why each memory needs to be tucked away and hoarded,they become our treasure.
You feel so lost and hurt because you loved so much. A broken heart takes a long time to heal, and it always leaves a scar. Even though it doesn't seem like it now, you can and will love again. Loss should never close our hearts, it should open it to soothe the hurt, to fully live once again, just like our precious little ones want.

Thank you. Neo taught us to never take a moment for granted. I want to keep all the memories of him close to my heart.