Natalie_ca;2387366 said:She said she lives 18 hours from Toronto now.
They are supposed to come over on Thursday, but I am thinking of telling them to hold off… Its just such a bad situation.
This statement threw me off. I guess I just don't think 18 hours of driving is like "coming over" especially as I did it last week - 20 hours there and 20 back.
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I caused family drama last night. (Very loooonnnggg)
- Thread starter baloneysmom
- Start Date
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia
You did not "cause a family drama" -- they did. I cannot believe the utter disregard with which they've treated you and your belongings. I'm just stunned that anyone would do such a thing and not at least call and ask you what you wanted done with your books, give you a chance to have them ship everything to you, something!
Taken together with the fact that they think it's okay to give your sister a house, yet fail to so much as rent a storage unit on your behalf... there's something profoundly wrong here.
Having said that, though... they are family, and family is about forgiveness. You can't disown them. But they should be made to see the situation from your point of view! I would encourage you to write a clear, concise, non-emotional letter explaining your viewpoint, and send copies to all three of them.
And then go on about life as usual. Maybe they'll see the error of their ways, maybe they'll apologize, maybe they'll even decide to change the arrangement... maybe not. At least you will have said your piece.
I'm so sorry for their blindness, hon.
Please don't apologize. You have every right to feel the way you do.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with such a situation.
~KK~
#1, you didn't cause the family drama, it was thrust on you.
#2, your family had no right to throw out anything that belongs to you without your permission.
#3, just because your father donates to all these strangers doesn't mean what he is putting you through right now is not abuse. It is mental and verbal abuse and he has no right to do it.
#4, get EVERYTHING in writing regarding the house. Make sure your name is on the deed until your sister buys you out. Make sure the buy out agreement is in writing for the market value of the house.
#5, do some research on the value of the book collection that was thrown out. It sounds like you owned some really valuable books that I would value at more than $1000.
I would then include the value of those books in the amount of money your sister owes you.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself just because they are family. You need to take care of yourself!!!
#2, your family had no right to throw out anything that belongs to you without your permission.
#3, just because your father donates to all these strangers doesn't mean what he is putting you through right now is not abuse. It is mental and verbal abuse and he has no right to do it.
#4, get EVERYTHING in writing regarding the house. Make sure your name is on the deed until your sister buys you out. Make sure the buy out agreement is in writing for the market value of the house.
#5, do some research on the value of the book collection that was thrown out. It sounds like you owned some really valuable books that I would value at more than $1000.
I would then include the value of those books in the amount of money your sister owes you.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself just because they are family. You need to take care of yourself!!!
Your sister sounds exactly like mine, and your situation is eerily similar to me. I moved to Alberta from Toronto in 2006 to work on a graduate degree. I moved out here with my airplane luggage and thats it. I left my other belongings at my parents house because it IS my home. Im getting that the only thing you are really upset about is the loss of your precious collection, as you understand that your sister still needs the hand holding and financial support you have long since outgrown (re: needing to live in the house despite being previously VERY well off with a supportive hubby to boot!). Frustrating yes, but being outspoken-angry about it really will only keep problems and avoid peace in your family. You know who you are, and you know who she is, and you also know which one of those people you would rather be (even if you arent being handed everything on a silver platter). This is what matters most, so I think you should "apologize" to your family. Apologize that you made anything into a bigger issue about the house, and then justify why. Drip with passive aggressiveness, so they cant do anything but feel like crap for their horrid mistreatment of you (and it is horrid mistreatment to throw away your belongings, your collected belongings, without consultation). Be very specific that it was a grief reaction to the loss of your collection. Say you understand how sis might not get the meaning of your books, you thought Mom, who knows you so well, not only knew, but wouldnt ever throw them away, and would contact you ASAP before doing anything with them. Say you never thought, and they never made it clear, that you were not allowed to leave some belongings at home. And make sure to call it home. I am close with my family too, and because of that, any place they choose to live is also my home. Then also say that while you arent flat broke, you dont have enough money to replace that collection, and the idea of rent-free living would really make life easier for you as well. Say that the reasonable thing to do would have been to calm down, and then explain your loss to your mother and sis, requesting them to replace your collection. Tell your father that it wasnt your fault the books were thrown out, and that mom and/or sis failed to meet their obligation to contact you about them. Because it is their fault for your loss, you feel they should have to replace the missing books. You can say this with no anger, demands, defensiveness, or sense of entitlement, because you know you can trust your family to do things right and fair as you continually state. You did not cause this drama, but you did keep the ball rolling (I would have at least done the same thing, but the major difference for me is that I CANT trust my family to ultimately be fair. They WOULD gift a house to my sister 100%. But they would never ever in a million years discard my belongings in doing so).
I dunno. Good luck, but dont give up your "share". You are 100% right that it would just transfer over to sis, and then youd be out all your belongings plus a lot of money that will really help you out whenever you do get it.
This is getting too long, but I really think the mistake your parents made was in "giving" away the house when neither of you really needed it (your in a different province, sis is married with a prev. high income and was obv. living somewhere else before). They should have sold the house and split the proceeds between you. This WHOLE ISSUE would have been avoided that way, and the $$ would have given your sister enough to put a VERY SIZABLE downpayment on her own place. blah. boo to childish adults.
I dunno. Good luck, but dont give up your "share". You are 100% right that it would just transfer over to sis, and then youd be out all your belongings plus a lot of money that will really help you out whenever you do get it.
This is getting too long, but I really think the mistake your parents made was in "giving" away the house when neither of you really needed it (your in a different province, sis is married with a prev. high income and was obv. living somewhere else before). They should have sold the house and split the proceeds between you. This WHOLE ISSUE would have been avoided that way, and the $$ would have given your sister enough to put a VERY SIZABLE downpayment on her own place. blah. boo to childish adults.
My thought exactly; a verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
Your sister sounds like my brother-in-law---selfish, spoiled, always taking from his parents, etc. Years ago he cleaned out his Dad's house to have a yard sale (because HE needed money) and was selling some of my DH's childhood items. We actually had to buy DH's property from his brother! I won't even get into what happened when their Dad passed away.
Ok, enough about my in-laws. Sweetie, unless you take a stand you are going to get scr*wed. I know this is your family, and I realize you want everyone to play nice but it's obvious that isn't what's happening. You're under no obligation to wait 2 years to be paid for your half of the house, especially since your sister will be living there rent free. Why can't she pay you now? If she was buying a house she'd be making mortgage payments. I"m speaking from experience--if you wait to get paid for your half of the house, odds are you'll never see a penny. The only truly fair thing is for your parents to sell the house and split the cash between you two. Assuming that won't happen, I don't think I"d hold my breath waiting for payment.
I'm truly sorry about the loss of your beloved books; I'm a book lover, also, and would be devestated if someone just threw my collection away. I do hope you can find some peace somewhere in this sad situation.
You never really know someone until money enters the picture.
i told her what stuff i still wanted, what stuff i didn't care about anymore. she packed up the stuff i wanted & i picked it up the next time i visited.
this is how a mature, adult person would've done things.
Who's name is the house in right now? Did they transfer the title to her name, on her promise she is going to give you half? How is she going to do that just graduating from school?
Do they REALLY want you to have half of this house? If they did, they would do it legally when the deed is transferred, and no, if it is both your names, sis doesn't live there for free. Being 18 hours away doesn't help, you need someone there to look out for your interests.
You can hire a lawyer in that area, but if your parents are making no effort and just allowing your sister to live there, no questions asked, then I am afraid they just gave the house to your sister, and there is nothing you can do about it, I don't think. They are alive and Ig uess they can give their stuff to whomever they want.
AS far as throwing away your personal belongings, that stinks. They could have offered to put it in storage for you, or maybe put it in the basement, or at least give you a chance to pick it up. sorry for you. Don't know what you can do.
Do they REALLY want you to have half of this house? If they did, they would do it legally when the deed is transferred, and no, if it is both your names, sis doesn't live there for free. Being 18 hours away doesn't help, you need someone there to look out for your interests.
You can hire a lawyer in that area, but if your parents are making no effort and just allowing your sister to live there, no questions asked, then I am afraid they just gave the house to your sister, and there is nothing you can do about it, I don't think. They are alive and Ig uess they can give their stuff to whomever they want.
AS far as throwing away your personal belongings, that stinks. They could have offered to put it in storage for you, or maybe put it in the basement, or at least give you a chance to pick it up. sorry for you. Don't know what you can do.
Now, please don't take offense to this, but I have to give you my honest opinion. I have been in a similar situation...
I know you don't want it in writing because it's "family", but what happens if say, your father passes away in the next two years? What if your sister just decides that she "remembers" the agreement differently? I'm sorry, but getting something documented is not unreasonable. This is a really cooky situation and you know the others involved are not (from what you describe) completely predictable.
I'm sorry, but I predict you'll get nothing out of this. I think the situation with the books is pretty much emblematic. A resonable person would have at least called you and asked what you wanted to do before just tossing it out. It sounds like you'll get no respect because you're not being a brat. The fact that you think you caused the drama (instead of seeing how silly everyone is being) tells me that they have been playing this game for a long time and you have bought into it.
Good luck. I hope I'm wrong.
I know you don't want it in writing because it's "family", but what happens if say, your father passes away in the next two years? What if your sister just decides that she "remembers" the agreement differently? I'm sorry, but getting something documented is not unreasonable. This is a really cooky situation and you know the others involved are not (from what you describe) completely predictable.
I'm sorry, but I predict you'll get nothing out of this. I think the situation with the books is pretty much emblematic. A resonable person would have at least called you and asked what you wanted to do before just tossing it out. It sounds like you'll get no respect because you're not being a brat. The fact that you think you caused the drama (instead of seeing how silly everyone is being) tells me that they have been playing this game for a long time and you have bought into it.
Good luck. I hope I'm wrong.
Thank you!
I hope I don't offend you here but 'I feel' you really need to put your emotions aside and get a lawyer. Verbal agreements don't hold water. PERIOD. The house is an asset and you were 'told' you got half of that asset. If you don't get it in writing I predict you will NEVER get your half. You say money isn't a big deal - to YOU maybe, what about if you have a child????? That could pay for college~!
When you through an asset into the mix, it's no longer about family - it's about making it legit. It doesn't sound like you are going to change anyone's opinion or actions anytime soon so apologizing and then moving on sounds like the best course of action.
BUT, you have to stick up for yourself and your interests. If you aren't going to fight for your childhood possessions, what makes you think you'll be able to fight for your due asset? If they have no care for possessions of yours, what makes you think they'll care that you 'possess' half that asset?
WRITING WRITING
WRITING WRITING
It's protecting THEM and YOU
Your books are gone, they shouldn't have thrown them. They don't care. You don't have a written inventory of what you had, you'll never get them back. You DO have a chance though to get their worth AND more with this other asset.
And I agree with others. Intimidation is abuse when it is used from a source of power. The other things you describe your father doing are other forms of emotional abuse. You can 'respect' the man all you want but intimidating people so they don't feel they can speak their minds is AWFUL.
Is it possible you could have mis-heard or misinterpreted what was said about the house? Because right now - everything is verbal. You need clarification before you get a lawyer.
And if you don't get a lawyer. You'll NEVER get half of that asset. That's worth money in retirement, college, living, vacations. It's worth a LOT>
I just looked at your profile and you are much older than what your post sounds. I thought you were a college student or just finished. At your age, you need to take this seriously, you will need that money. I am surprised at your naivetÃ[emoji]169[/emoji] considering your age. We all have to learn sometime, sorry this lesson is coming so late in your life. Now is the time to act, you most likely will not have another chance at this money. Your parents must be getting on, I would not fool around if I were you.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #32
Look guys, I really appreciate your concern but this post wasnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t about money. I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know if I mentioned this but the house is in my mother and fathers name until my sister pays. Not only that my father made it so that if he dies it can not be transferred over to my sister unless 3 trustees of his will go over it and sign it. As with all his assets everything is split equally and decided by three people.
Money is not an issue here, my father is a smart guy who has ALWAYS ALWAYS been fair with his girls. He loves us all equally and would never let one of us have more (other then my Mother of course)
I have a great family who would do anything for each other. BUT we also clash a lot. Even though my sister is a spoiled B word I would bet my life that if I was down and out she would take me in.
I do appreciate all of your words and support. Thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s why you guys are so awesome. You always there for the members.
The house is not an issue for me. Nothing bad will come out of the house, there is absolutely no way in hell my sister could ever get the house 100%. To do that she would have to go through my Mom, Dad and three lawyers.
I have concluded what I am going to do though. I have decided I am going to be the better person and apologize. My Father called me last night and talked to me about everything. He apologized for making fun of me and said he didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know I was so upset. I apologized to my Mother as well for yelling at her and told her I loved her no matter what, those books were important to me but nothing is more important then my family… As for my sister I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know. She obviously knows I have been saying things about her (nothing is secret in my family) but I am thinking of apologizing to her as well for saying mean things so that this doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t cause a rift between us for family functions.
I think doing all of the above will help me… My heart feels so heavy and I feel so depressed. I just want it over with. I feel right now I need to let by gones be gone and make my head feel better.
Thanks again all.
Money is not an issue here, my father is a smart guy who has ALWAYS ALWAYS been fair with his girls. He loves us all equally and would never let one of us have more (other then my Mother of course)
I have a great family who would do anything for each other. BUT we also clash a lot. Even though my sister is a spoiled B word I would bet my life that if I was down and out she would take me in.
I do appreciate all of your words and support. Thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s why you guys are so awesome. You always there for the members.
The house is not an issue for me. Nothing bad will come out of the house, there is absolutely no way in hell my sister could ever get the house 100%. To do that she would have to go through my Mom, Dad and three lawyers.
I have concluded what I am going to do though. I have decided I am going to be the better person and apologize. My Father called me last night and talked to me about everything. He apologized for making fun of me and said he didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know I was so upset. I apologized to my Mother as well for yelling at her and told her I loved her no matter what, those books were important to me but nothing is more important then my family… As for my sister I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know. She obviously knows I have been saying things about her (nothing is secret in my family) but I am thinking of apologizing to her as well for saying mean things so that this doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t cause a rift between us for family functions.
I think doing all of the above will help me… My heart feels so heavy and I feel so depressed. I just want it over with. I feel right now I need to let by gones be gone and make my head feel better.
Thanks again all.
I agree that you should hire a lawyer and have everything in writing. When my parents died, my sister took everything because it was left to my daughter and she was at the time my daughter's guardian, temporarily. I got my daddy's cane, and that was it out of a house I grew up in. I found out later the house was sold anyway, even though it was to my daughter's when she turned 25. It needed some work, but she could have put, a new roof on it with the money my grandfather left her. My sister spent most of that, too.
OH MY GOSH!!! I would be
I can't believe how unfair all of that is?! First of all what the heck! Your parents give her the house and throw out all your stuff?! How is that right, why couldn't they put your stuff at their house till you got back?!
I can see why you would be so upset! I'm not the best person to take advice from, but I wouldn't apologize for anything until they apologize first.
I can see why you would be so upset! I'm not the best person to take advice from, but I wouldn't apologize for anything until they apologize first.
I hope your family knows how lucky they are to have you! I don't know that I could apologize the way you have but I suppose in the end I would, just to keep the peace. You're a good person, and I hope they appreciate you.
That sounds great. Your original post did sound as if you were going to get sacked. I am glad your dad is so protective of his money and making sure you both share in it when he is gone. I think you are doing the right thing, and if it makes you feel better, that is the most important. In a few weeks all will be forgotten. good luck
I'm glad you and your parents have settled things.
kick your sister in the arse and tell her to grow the hell up! god she needs a rude awakening to be treating you like that...
In my opinion I would say like everyone else and talk to a lawyer about everything that is going on. Even if you don't go ahead and hire them they can advise you on what you should and shouldn't do in this situation.
I'm sorry to hear your having such a rough time but always keep in mind that karma always gives the hardest kicks the arse to the worst of people and know that you are in the right in feeling how you do and that your family needs to rethink how they treat you
In my opinion I would say like everyone else and talk to a lawyer about everything that is going on. Even if you don't go ahead and hire them they can advise you on what you should and shouldn't do in this situation.
I'm sorry to hear your having such a rough time but always keep in mind that karma always gives the hardest kicks the arse to the worst of people and know that you are in the right in feeling how you do and that your family needs to rethink how they treat you
As you can easily see from most of the posts, money is almost always an issue with most folks - it's wonderful to see that it is not the motivation for you. Often when issues come down to money in families, normally nice people turn into blood-suckers. Who gets what and/or how much should never be an issue. I never understood why anyone should feel they are "entitled" to what others have left behind. Nobody owes us anything and we shouldn't be expecting it.
You are a very kind and thoughtful person and I can't help but think that you would have to have been raised by fairly nice people to be the way you are. It's wonderful that you can forgive and forget and it seems as though your family does as well. We all need to vent once in awhile so I hope it helped to lower your stress level by venting to us.
You are a very kind and thoughtful person and I can't help but think that you would have to have been raised by fairly nice people to be the way you are. It's wonderful that you can forgive and forget and it seems as though your family does as well. We all need to vent once in awhile so I hope it helped to lower your stress level by venting to us.
